Friday, July 20, 2007

The Aftermath

I just wanted to say Thank you BUNCHES for all the supporting comments/emails today - I am sorry If I missed something on any of your blogs today. I wasn't on the Internet much. (and my bloglines is doing something very screwy- anyone else experiencing blogs saying an obscene amount of new entries for some people?)

I took the day off from work since we are starting to move this weekend. (sign the new lease tomorrow) I figured I would get some packing done and just try to lay low. I called my Dr's Office to let them know the results and see what to do now. I actually called to get an appointment for Monday because if no AF, they are going to see me and do something about it. But of course, they insist AF is around the corner and I just need to be more patient.. HA PATIENCE ... I freakin' waited 2 weeks .. Bare with me as I go through the emotions - I know watching this process is cruel and unkind.

I tell ya, I peed on the stick all by myself this morning (ya I know your thinking, who else could have possibly peed on the stick with you) Originally E was going to hold my hand - but he was asleep and I had to pee really bad at 6 am - so I didn't disturb him - until only 1 line came up. I felt strong peeing on that stick. I felt courageous- facing my giants(or fears) or whatever. I just sled back in bed and told him - "only 1 line, lets go back to sleep". I was not eternally sad right then. Yes it hit me, Not Pregnant ......Uuuuuuuuuuugh, but I really think I just shrugged my shoulders. What else can I say? Can I tell you what broke my heart into pieces? The awful, sad, look on E's face when we finally did decide to join the rest of the world at a bright o'le 11 am. This took my breath away WAY more than just seeing one line - E CRIED! First time ever (well about IF cycles). Let me tell you, I know that alot of times, I would get mad at him because he appeared to be so emotionless about the whole topic/failed cycles/discussions and I would get so incredibly frustrated and cry, yell and rant about how he has no feelings invested into this ..blah blah blah. Well Today, I would have giving a trillion dollars to have that fight all over again because this time it melted my soul to a degree that may never fully recover from. THAT made me hurt!! I begged of him to "cheer up, least I ovulated, there is always next month, look at the bright side, {insert cheery encouragement phrase here}. I am SUCH the cheerleader - it's not for my own good at times. Inside I died alittle seeing that .. .... After that, we got ready and went to my
favorite lunch spot. Tomorrow we will be having my favorite coffeeshop and a treat from my favorite ice cream shop. The 10 lbs I lost this month will probably be put back on in one weekend - FOR SHAME- but on Monday, I will put on my big girl panties and deal - I am taking this weekend to be selfish and pitiful! And I'm just fine with that. I was in the shower today and I actually think I cried for 30 seconds. I keep wondering in my head: Is this a good thing that I am sort of OK with this all and deep down I expected this, or is it a bad thing that I am sort of OK with this all and deep down I expected this??? Should I be a big pile of flesh, faced down sobbing my eyes out? Should I at least shed more than 1 tear from each eye? Have I gotten that used to {this} feeling? Is that normal? Gosh, does everyone else talk to themselves? Am I emotionally unattached now? Am I dealing with this or denying how I feel? What is God trying to teach me? Is God trying to teach me? Am I just not listening? What am I doing wrong? Am I doing anythng wrong? Is it time to be more aggressive? Is clomid not going to work for me? If I ovulated and I KNOW we "timed" it right, what else is wrong? Is there something else wrong? Do I think it's possible for my DR to get me to ovulate again next cycle? I need alcohol?! Yes, I think SO! Turn brain off now ..

I assume this is All normal and copacetic ... Wishing all the rest of the 2WW'ers Lots of luck and blessings. Thank you once again for every one's kind thoughts/comments/prayers/chicken dances/emails... We will rinse and repeat next cycle

10 comments:

Diana said...

I am so very sorry. I have not yet seen DH cry about any of this but I can imagine it would break my heart more than any pain I would feel on my own. I too, talk to myself in the shower and wonder why it hurts a little less each cycle. I hope it is not that we are getting hardened. I hope it is so that we can have the biggest surprise of our lives very, very soon.
Enjoy your ice cream and take care of yourself this weekend. Monday pull on the big girl panties and get back at it. Hugs to you.

Baby Blues said...

I'm so sorry. I've seen Mr. Kite cry and it breaks my heart too. Because really, it's a team effort and although they try to be strong for us, they also feel broken every time we get a BFN. Hugs to you both.

Shelby said...

I'm so, so sorry! What a disappointment! It is wierd to see how men deal with IF versus women. My hubby has never showed a shed of emotion about the whole thing. But, I know it's tearing him up inside, just being strong for me so I don't fall apart. I hope you enjoy your coffee and ice cream this weekend.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Such a strong woman you are!! Rinse and repeat--we are all used to that arent we? I wish this had been it, but I know IT isnt far away...

Courtney said...

It sounds like you are coping extremely well, and having very normal thoughts. :) Obviously there are no guarantees with IF, but I truly hope that you receive amazingly wonderful news on the next go round!

Cibele said...

Dear Farah, I have this kind conversation with myself all the time. I am sorry about the BFN, I am right there with you. This cycle I did not cry when AF arrived, but CD2 got to me and I cried on my way to work and on my way back home, and I cried myself to sleep. Next day, cd3, clomid all over again. .. and I keep on cycling
. As for your DH, I am sorry that it hit him too. My DH has managed to stay immune to all of this. He tells me, what do you want? for both of us to be heartbroken? after I read your post, I guess not. Thanks a lot for sharing

KarenO said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. There is no easy way to the other side, and no words will make the journey smoother. Just ride the emotions, cry when you want, and don't hold back or think you HAVE to be strong. Just be in the moment and you both will handle it the way you can best. Thinking of you!

Dreamer4agift said...

Ugh, what a feeling of crap I have for you right now...I'm so sorry. I, too, have had similar convo's with myself about ttc and IF. I cry less and less with every new cycle and I'm not sure if I like that fact or not. I get tired of the emotions sometimes, but other times I wish I felt more...I hope your weekend for you went okay, and tomorrow, well, we'll both put on our big girl panties and continue traveling together (I go to my dr tomorrow--did a blog on it). Take care girl and here's to hangin' in there for another rinse.

T-girl said...

Your feelings are totally normal, I guessed we all feel the same every cycle, but don't give up hope...
What would life be like without hope?
Hugs to you!

Jayleigh said...

-"melted my soul to a degree that may never fully recover from"

My fervent prayer for you, sweet lady, is that one day neither of you will remember that look or those tears that broke your heart.

OK... I hate it when people give me advice about ttc... but here goes, because I am on cycle 1 of clomid with hCG shot.[Stopped going to the RE for 6 years after Clomid for 3 cycles.] I have to wait until next Thursday before POAS and I am quite frankly enjoying not knowing. Because waiting is eternally more wonderful than knowing, and it being a BFN.

My coworker had an IUI back in March. She had 4 cycles of clomid and the 4th is the only time she ovulated. Her sister had 6 cycles of clomid and finally got pg when they had STOP (scheduled time of procreation) every single flipping day from 10 through 18 of her cycle.

So that's what Rob and I did this cycle. I swear to high heaven I have callouses down there. UGH!!!

Anyway, I have no idea if that will help you or just make you roll your eyes, but I felt the need to share.