Thursday, January 31, 2008

What Might Have Been

I haven’t had a real post in months – I have been too afraid to say much, I have been trying to deal with my anxiety rationally. I am still working on dealing with my irrational and anxious thoughts. After dealing with some family stuff a few years ago, I am now convinced that this is a family trait. Worry, Doom/gloom, anxiety and etc. I am a some what of a people-pleaser and I know that some will judge me on this post about how after yrs of IF i should just be grateful -well, Life is life and that's all i gotta say about that ...

Warning – a real hard emotional post for me to admit/type (please do not throw daggers).

Pre-Pregnant Me – had all of these lofty ideas about pregnancy, pregnant women, and life. Now, 18 weeks pregnant me, has new theories: ( i won't bore you with them yet)

I should back this up a bit – I work in a job in which I have talked myself into staying at for quite some time now (i should state i love my job tasks) its the agency that is the problem)– because of great retirement plans and job security. ( I have wanted to leave several times, but kept telling myself that my earned time will help out during maternity leave – because I could use it as paid leave) I also talked myself into staying because looking/starting a new job while seeking treatments/testings/procedures would just be “harder” to explain and request/ask for time off.

Before the whole Infertility Treatment Realization: I stayed at my job because I knew that when I got pregnant, this would not be “hard job” to manage with a family, I earn time off, I have good benefits, and It’s flexible somewhat. It would be easy to work while being pregnant and then would be suitable for raising a child and daycare schedules and managing family duties.

Then things became more and more difficult to get/stay pregnant. I have suffered through 3 m/c at this job (not because of this job) – and I was able to take as much time as I needed to deal with my body/mind. (Remember time earned- and understanding Supervisors) This was/is a huge blessing for me because I do not Love my job. It pays bills – I am here because it pays bills

I had some family hardship a few yrs ago and had to take ~ 3.5 month of my time earned to help out with that situation (not consecutively but roughly) basically – it wiped out 80% of my time earned left. That time is time I had set aside for my maternity leave – but Life happens and you have to deal. I am a planner. It sucked having to watch what I thought was going to be my maternity leave used for other family matters. Then I was bitter and thought I would never need it for maternity leave anyway. Taking that time was necessary and I’d do it again in a heartbeat – No regrets. (Just consequences)

I have also had to take leave for testings/treatments/procedures. My earned leave has not had much time to build itself back up from all of this activity. Over the past 2 yrs.

Once again, it seems my perfect plan that I had, did not work out the way I thought it would. It has worked out This way but not how I intended it – and I can’t do anything about that. I now feel like an extra pressure has been placed upon me. (or maybe it’s myself adding extra pressure on myself) because my earned leave time is pathetic. Coming to work has been very difficult, I won’t lie. There have been work things going on that just purely suck the ever loving life out of me and make me want to infect harm to some. This also makes it hard to come to work. I have stayed at my job thus far because it pays bills and has allowed me to take time off when needed, help finance our fertility treatments ..etc But I have always wanted to leave. (i should state i love my job, it's the agency that is the problem) I have a college education, it’s not like I can’t go apply elsewhere. But now, I am pregnant, and wanting to take time off- It’s not the best time/opportunity to go look for a new job. And with little leave, I can not take much time off (I have to save for the dr’s appointments/materunity leave – my work will not let me go on leave w/o pay w/o a few consequences) My husband and I have a nightly discussion about how I dislike my job, and it has only gotten worse the more weeks pass and I realize less weeks remain until my due date. (I will receive ~12 more paychecks before my due date- please know that we are not completely living paycheck to paycheck- it’s just a realization/time measurement tool for me)

I am the praying type and I have asked for some perspective and guidance in this area of my life now because, In the county that I live in only has ~3 available daycares – they are all ~$1000 a month. Only 1 is close to my house. It has a ~11 month waiting list. Which means If I sign up and pay my deposit now, I will get childcare in December 08 or Jan 09. I am having a hard time with this idea. I have to put a deposit on something NOW that will affect me in 11 months. It’s mind blowing. Even for a planner, That’s just so long to plan for many variables. (due date, maternity leave, husband job schedule, insert bad thoughts here, my work, our financial state, Do I really want Daycare?, how long will i take off, will i take off, what will be best for us, etc)

I have so many thoughts going through my mind, it’s hard to focus and get real clarity and real thoughts that will be helpful. I keep going over the thought that I stayed in this job for convenience. I know I am not alone in that realization – But reading
Alison’s post today – I realized I missed the boat on some things that I shouldn’t have. I do not really have regrets, Just realizations that I am working through .. Life will go on

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I carried a Watermelon and Vacation highlights

We are back from a fantastic trip to the Keys. It’s a long drive but worth every penny. I enjoyed spending time with my parents in a 8 hour car ride – and I enjoyed not being on a major schedule. The wedding was actually in a n area of the main Key that I have never been to before. My Aunt rented an electric golf cart (limo style-picture below) that E and I got to shuttle people around on taking them to see all the different tourist/landmark locations. E had never been to the keys so I was excited to show him around. We didn’t make it to the sunset shows. I do highly suggest that you go to the pier off du.val street if you are ever down there during sunset. They have street vendors and different types of street entertainments – but the sunsets are the best.




p-word mentioned

42% of your pregnancy has passed, there is 58% left to go.

I am 18 weeks today. I am still feeling movements and flutters and kicks and rolls. YAH, this makes my mind so much at peace. (not 100% of the time but more so then before) . Mini is the size of a Cantaloupe and I feel like the Dirty Dancin line "i Carried a watermelon" Except I said "I am carrying a watermelon). I am feeling a bet more "stuff, weight, pressure down there. I think lil Mini was tangled in my lower ribs his weekend quite a bit. I feel like a weird pinchy feeling in my lower ribs at times.

My cousin had my name tag at the reception with Mini-Vann on it!! ( it was awesome and made my night)
Yesterday I had a bad nose bleed and I probably should have called the Dr’s office – but I am alil upset with them at the moment. I called last week (Wednesday to be exact) and asked about why I hadn’t heard from the MFM Dr’s office yet. Friday on our way out of town, My cell phone message alert went off to notify me that I had a voicemail. I called my voicemail and it was the OB Nurse, I don’t know how I missed her call – but she left a message letting me know that the MFM Dr is reviewing my files, I should be expecting a call this week – they aren’t sure they will be able to get me in before my OB appointment on the 7th. I was ,at first, really bent out of shape about this news. I have now calmed down a bit and am trying to go with the flow (TRYING!) I thought about why I was so upset about this – it’s really about expectations. They tell me X is going to happen this way – and X doesn’t seem to be happening the way they instructed me it would– I except it to happen that way (they have done this to me in a few of my appointments now) – I need to learn to be more flexible. It’s just one more of my flaws. I like structure and reliability. I was going to call back this week and ask if I could schedule an U/S at their office – but after talking with E, as long as we hear the heartbeat on the Doppler, I will be ok waiting until the MFM Dr’s office calls me to schedule. I hope everyone had a good week – I have caught up on my blog reading but did not comment much – hopefully I will be back in the swing of things soon.

I have a few posts brewing in my head - one is work related, one is pregnancy related. Hopefully I can get them out of my head so they stop torturing me soon.

Melissa (smells like Mel) - Apparently you have gone to invite only- If possible I'd like to be invited.

Thursday, January 24, 2008


Ever Had a day like this?

I have been this angry this week - but thanks for the good thoughts, prayers, vibes, and whatever else - I seem to be out of my funk! I really thought, for a while, there was going to be causalities.

Please , if you haven't yet, Stop by JJ's blog, she received another craptastic BFN - and I am just heart broken for them.

p-word mentioned
I have noticed today that my belly is shifting shapes. I noticed it because I have been wearing the same maternity pants with over the belly paneling, this paneling is bothernig my belly yesterdsay and more so today. I am glad that I ordered some under the belly panels from j.cpe.nneys. I hope they provide more comfort.

I am still waiting for the MFM Dr's office to call me for an appointment. (because I REALLY would like an U/S - mainly - and to ease some of my anxiety a little longer)

I am starting to feel more frequent, stronger movements. I am still unsure if it is "kicks". I do however believe that I was kicked in the lower ribs 2 times monday. The first one caught me off guard the second happened and I thought maybe, just maybe it is the lil mini in there preforming. I have seemed to have gained 1.5 more lbs. (total of 6.5lbs) I hope this is ok. I haven't increased my eatting. Maybe I need more exercise.

Well, I am off to the keys for the weekend.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


Lately my mood has been quite sour. And it doesn’t take much to push me over the edge. (not like it did before) just seems more recently my fuse has shortened. I am working on this because it really frustrates me to be like this. It’s over little things that set off bigger things – and it just makes me more frustrated with myself.
This is probably the reason of my last post about store bashing – although I still find those return policies quite uncalled for.

Random question for the week – Does anyone’s husband, boyfriend, male sleeping partner radiate heat of 10000 degrees when you sleep with them? (I assume this is a male thing – or is it a human thing and not just male) My husband is on a different shift and home at night with me for the first time in 8 months. The only problem now is that his body temperature is SO UNGODLY HOT that I insist on him not touching me while I sleep. (tmi alert) I woke up all weekend just sticky and sweaty from him. I had to change my pj’s every night (This could get costly buying pj’s and doing laundry) Is this due to the P-word?

We are going to this weekend for a wedding. I have family down there and I am looking forward getting out of work for a day and spending time with my family and friends. I need to get away from work in a big way – it is usually were the majority of my frustration lies.

p-word mentioned (for documentation purposes)

39% of your pregnancy has passed, there is 61% left to go

I am 17 (119 days) weeks today and I could not be excited about this. Before I have been feeling air bubbles and weird shifty feelings, now I feel more of those and stronger feelings/sensations. It really is just so amazing and I am so glad that I am experiencing this. I have noticed that tata’s are aching still – it comes in waves. I am ex.perie.ncing r.ound lig.ament pa.ins.

I love that my baby is referred to as a size of a pomegranate:Your baby is anywhere from 4.4 to 5.5 inches by pregnancy week 17 and weighs almost 3 ½ -5 ounces! If you were to hold your baby at 17 weeks pregnant, she would fit snuggly in the palm of your hand. Your baby is about the size of a small pomegranate by pregnancy 17 weeks. At 17 weeks pregnant your uterus will start changing shape as your pregnancy progresses, to resemble a large egg instead of a round ball. It will gradually grow to inhabit most of your pelvis and abdomen. While this happens your organs, including your intestines get pushed to the sides. By this point in time you will likely be showing a little bit, though some women are still able to hide their pregnancies for many weeks to come.

Here is my favorite part (being that I work in a la.te.nt section):And here's some proof that your baby is truly one of a kind (as if you needed any!). Within the next week or so, the pads on your baby's fingertips and toes will become adorned with completely individual swirls and creases (aka fingerprints)”

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Department Store bashing

Normally I am a retail shop defender - but lately I want to cause bodily harm where there is lack of customer service. I worked retail through High School and College. I managed a Ha.llm.ark and worked at The G.ap and Ol.d Na.vy. So I have many years of retail experience.

* i know that both of these bad experiences could have been avoided if I actually READ the return policy - but really do you think about that much before purchases at these stores? Or maybe I am the only idiot...

A few months ago, I had to return something at Target and discovered they have a new HORRIBLE return policy. Basically - you get 2 returns w/o receipts a year. The store will give you current price and credit on a gift card. If you have a gift receipt, they do not have prices on them - they will have to look up the original receipt in order to help you. And be ware paying with cash is not good at all. If you lose your receipt and you pay with a credit card, sometimes, if you take that credit card back up to the target you purchased from, they may be able to pull up your itemized receipt. If it is past 90 days, they will tell you they can't help you. Here is another explanation here and here. Maybe there are other stores do this and I haven't had troubles with them yet. But I wanted to beat the crap out of the punk that would not let me return 2 maternity shirts I received for Christmas because they were not in their system. My extended family lives in NC and I am sure it was bought sometime before thanksgiving in a store in NC because my aunt is always on top of her Christmas buying. I am sure I could call her and ask for the receipt but I think that is a bit tacky and I'd just rather not. Plus knowing her - it probably has been close to or over 90 days.

SO - as of Right now I am pissed off at Target. Plus I do not want others to get bit by the 2 returns a year policy (w/o an original receipt). (and mostly why i started a registry at that baby mega store only)

The other store that I am bent out of shape about is Motherhood. Their exchange policy is even crappier. I went in and bought a bra in a larger cup size because I was tired of trying to stuff the girls in my regular bras. I grabbed one 1 cup size bigger. Um apparently I am 2 or 3 cup sizes bigger and they do not sell that size (i bought it at 8:30pm and tried to return it the very next day around lunch time) ... LARGE JUGS.... OK on to their return policy:

Regular merchandise can be exchanged within 10 days with an original receipt from other merchandise or store credit.

All merchandise must be unworn and undamaged and must have original tickets attached.

All sale merchandise, intimate apparel, swimwear and special occasion items are final sale

There are no cash refunds or credit card refund.

YES i know i should have read the fine print - I should never assume. I know what that does to people - just thought I would pass along my mistakes.

After that negative post - I should state that I heart JcPenney's and Old Navy for their return policies and maternity clothes.

I got the results of my glu.cose and A.FP testing - I passed both with flying colors. I forgot the # that they gave me about my glucose result. I work it down at work and now am not at work. I am STILL (un)patiently waiting for the M.FM dr's office to call me with my appointment date. I may call Tuesday and set it up myself. Here is me and mini vann at 2 days shy of 17 weeks:

Ok off to prepare for my game. I heart him very much so!!!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Round Ligament Pains

*p-word mentioned (scroll to the red to avoid p-word stuffs)

First off - anyone got any real descriptions of round ligament pain? I am having this pretty dull/achy/throbby/pully feeling to the lower right of my belly button (maybe groin area) . It isn't constant, it comes and goes and in no real pattern. I assume round ligament pains?(i am not all that worried about it - it is not intense - just thought I'd ask the experts

Secondly- I wanted to clarify that I had a mental breakthrough. It was like all of a sudden, I just felt very confident in my Dr's, Tests, situation, condition, ..etc. I just sort of had this epiphany (if you will) that I am going to have this baby regardless of all the bad thoughts,odd, and statistics. I know bad things happen - but like fertility testings and treatments, I can not do a thing about them - except Accept them and progress. And this weekend was that acceptance in order to progress. I didn't drink a magical drink or have a revelation. I just woke up on Saturday with this overwhelming joy and confidence. (this could bite me in the butt later on but for now..I am going to enjoy it)

I was so confident that I actually registered my husband and I on a baby registry at a store that is all about babies are them. There is not much on this registry at all . But this was/is a big big big step for me. We still have not bought anything baby related and probably won't. But it felt good to take that leap. It got me excited for once. I will not lie, after 5 minutes I got this overwhelmingly panic-y feeling. Even discussing this with E after about 5-10 minutes, I found myself all paranoid, like i was going to jinx something. AND THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO STOP!!!! I want to stop myself from feeling like a jinx. I do not believe in jinx's for myself.

*p-word Not Mentioned

I wanted to note that I am commenting less, but still reading. The holiday Lull at my work seems to be over and I seem to be very busy most of the days. But I am still thinking/praying for all of you. You can always email me! I appreciate all of the support you guys give me.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

4 Months = 112 days or 16 weeks

*p word mentioned

Today is my half birthday! But there is better reasons to celebrate, I am also (as the title states) 4 months/16 weeks today. 37% of your pregnancy has passed, there is 63% left to go.

I am still trying to squeeze into my non-elastic waist band clothes. I have outgrown all my tops. They are either too short and/or can not be buttoned. I really thought that since I was larger, my clothes would last longer than they seem to be.

I received an email today about how little bones are forming in Mini Vann's ears and s/he is now able to hear voices. How cool is that!!

I had a huge mental breakthrough this weekend and I plan on posting about it when i have more time to gather my thoughts and come to terms with some things. But for now - Know All is well and we are trucking along. I am waiting for my Dr's office to call and set up my MFM dr appointment.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Having Babies with help from Science and Third Parties

Having a Baby … When the Old-Fashioned Way Isn’t working By Cindy Margolis

I think this book is incredibly insightful for someone going (or getting ready to go) through assisted reproductive treatments. I have 3 pages of notes. (yes I am a note taker, I don’t write in my books, haha) I do highly suggest this book to anyone seeking , start to seek, or are considering reproductive assistance of any kind. Run out and read this book. I also suggest that you buy an extra copy for your family members to read. It will open the lines up for communication and support that you will need/deserve.(which is a big reason Cindy wrote the book) It will (hopefully) open their eyes and heart to understand that "just relax" and "just adopt" are not "Justs", nor are they completely helpful or scientific.

This book is written in such a fashion that combines the clinical world with the emotional aspects and side effects that are Infertility and it's Treatments. It is written in the most open and honest dialect. Cindy explains many options for treatments with plenty of extra resources and sitings to allow the reader to do plenty of their own research. In fact, that is one of the messages through out the entire book. Research, research research. In the words of Cindy “Good information empowers women and couples to make wiser and more informed decisions and helps removed the social stigma and secrecy surrounding infertility.” I could not agree with this statement more!

I thought the personal stories of others was very helpful and insightful for me. It allowed me to take a ride through different types of treatment that we have never considered before. There were quite a few options I never knew existed. Plus I love learning about this topic.

I was amazed at some of the Stats and Procedures (because I am a numbers/science junkie):

In 2006 – 9 million women used fertility services. (Then why do we feel so alone?)

Some RE Clinic’s can only give a 23% success rate for IVF- so research and know your clinic.

1 out of 5 women/couples have trouble conceiving (again why do we feel so ashamed and alone?)

There is a new procedure being conducted referred to as the Mini-IVF. It works with natural cycles.

Ovary Transplant … enough Said … I almost fell on the floor!

Quotes from the book I found EXTREMELY relevant and helpful: *there are so many more, I just listed a few

“Lesson 1- You are not in control” – I am still trying to learn that

“In a lot of ways seeing an infertility specialist is like going to an AA meeting. You have to admit you have a problem before you can get the help you need.”

“Information helped, but gave a false sense of control”

“Going through Infertility, you will wonder daily how much of yourself you can lose before you’ve gone beyond the point of no return”

“You will probably surprise yourself at how strong you can be when you need to be”

“A diagnosis of Infertility can knock you right on your butt, the process is an emotional, physical, and financial roller coaster that you fear you’ll never be able to get off.”

“Please do whatever it takes not to feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit that you need help.”

Things I found very helpful:

All of the procedure explanations

Every Chapter Every Personal Story

All of the added resources and websites

The Male Perspective

Being one that did a few IUI’s, I was glad to see that she acknowledged that the IUI procedure was for her “where making love became making a baby” and that she really felt her life being turned over to science at that defining moment.

The Marriage/Sex relationship Ups and Downs

The Letter to your State Representative that she gave permission to copy and send

Things I wish the book explained a little better:

Preliminary Testing and why it’s important - I think I mention this because I am truly passionate about testings for myself. I want to know anything and everything possible. I think testing is more important that alot of people realize. I think the medical community has the knowledge these days to prevent things if testings are done and done properly ( not just IF related)
Adoption- This book is definitely treatment orientated. It does not leave you with a warm fuzzy feeling for this topic. I think that would have made the book a little more well-rounded. But in this books defense, as stated several times, adoption was not an avenue she explored greatly - therefore she does not have any knowledge in that area. But she does mention that family members did adopt, maybe they should have written a piece?

There is SO much information packed very nicely in this book. I did not want to give away much of the goods. Like she encouraged me, I encourage you to read it and let’s start talking openly about our Infertility. Let’s stop making it a dirty little secret.

Friday, January 11, 2008

15w 3d appointment

I am back, the appointment went well, not like scheduled but well.
They decided that if they could get a heartbeat on a Doppler, then they would not do the U/S and wait until my appointment with the MFM (which they are scheduling in 2-3 weeks) to do the anatomy scan. I was disappointed to say the least. (but now am rethinking and glad that they were confident enough for me not to need a scan -silver lining) (and I didn't get yelled at or a lecture for gaining 4 lbs thus far)

My next appointment at the OB's is Feb 7th. I asked if they would do an U/S then if I hadn't had one with the MFM, they assure me that the MFM will get in me and have the scan done before then. Let's hope. I really could use another face to face with my baby. (I am trying to remember that I am already blessed with the many u/s that I have already had, because there is this thing called a normal pregnancy that never gets this many u/s to begin with)

I was asked to do an early glu.cos.e test (because of my P.CO.S) and the A.FP. I have heard how awful the glucose testing can be. I have to admit, the hard part is the not being able to eat for 6-12 hours prior to the test. This blood draw was much easier than any of my other blood draws ever, is this because of the My blood just looked so much more abundant, red and liquidy today.

Thank you for all the votes on the sex, I guess we will have to hold off for a few weeks to see which is right.

My husband and I are very glad about our decision to not order a Doppler. I do have extra fluff, as the dr says. So maybe that affects my experience, but the baby does not like the Doppler at all. The nurse had such a hard time getting the baby to stay in one location long enough to even get somewhat of an accurate read off the Doppler. Every time she would think she found the baby's heart beat, the baby would move away. It literally took her 2 (very long) minutes to get it on the Doppler so that it was recognizable as a heartbeat. When she did get it, she was pressing down so hard that I thought I was going to pee all over the place. My husband said she had to pin the baby in the corner to get it to work .

All in All, not a bad appointment really, Informative, Now i just want to get into see the MFM Dr as soon as possible.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Random Tidbits

  • I got a check back from my RE's office . .... WHAT? Um neeedless to say how excited were we! Every little bit helps.
  • My FIL (who we have a really coocky relationship with to say the least) Hand wrote and mailed us a christmas card himself. My husband was SO EXITED. I am just thrilled
  • Thank you all for the Wonderful Christmas and New years Cards I received from all of you Braces Bunch!!! Made my mailbox much more festive
  • If you have any good movie reccommendation Luck Doesn't happen Twice is on bedrest and could use something to entertain her.
  • My father called yesterday to inform me that I had angels watching over me. I laughed and told him thank you. He went on to explain that in our both of our family (self portrait/timer) pictures this christmas, My sister's Angel Tree topper was over my shoulder. Something I never noticed until he told me to look at the pictures. I know it's cheesy - But i needed that yesterday. a funny story about these pics: We didn't have an extra person to take the pic, so i used my self timer and stacked the camera on a few plates and books to get in postioned right, then would hit the button and run - so it was definately not planned. See look:



  • To answer a few questions, we are hoping the baby cooperates and we are able to see the boy/girl parts tomorrow.
  • I have one more chapter to go in "Having a Baby.... when the old fashioned way isn't working: hope and help for everyone facing infertility" by Cindy Margolis. I can not express to you how much I love this book. Review coming in the next few days.
  • I am feeling less nervous about tomorrow- thank you for the good vibes, prayers et al. it looks like the votes agree with my feelings 50/50! Keep the prayers (and votes coming-but only vote onces -- hehehe)

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

House Cleaning

Ok So, I am alil upset at wi.kipe.dia for leading me astray on the's and's Show. NOW according to my googling skills, It will be on this sunday night at 10 pm. So I dunno what is going on with that show and the scheduling with the network. (just thought i'd clarify since i also lead a few others astray)

*p-word mentioned

About this post: 5 weeks (and some change) has passed since this post. I am not mentally all that different. I am finding myself starting to research: bottles and strollers. (yes only those 2 things) I have started to have those "air bubble" feelings and a few people (that have permission) have place their hand on my belly and felt where the baby was sitting/laying and felt it move away. Which eases my mind immencely. even if they are lying to me. Some days i feel much more confident than when seeing hte 2 lines, other days i feel just as freaked out as when seeing those 2 lines knowing that not all 2 lines=THB (take home baby) Just like having no control over your cycles, you control to have no control this either. I never really grapsed that during cycles, So I am having a hard time putting that into practice now.

I have alot of support and alot of prayers and I thank everyone that is contributing to this. ( I am talking about YOU, yes YOU!) You are keeping me off zoloft (for now). I am getting excited about my appointment on Friday. If you haven't noticed yet, I did add the guess what I'm having poll. I still am very neutral. I do not have a clue what it is. I have always loved guessing what others are having, but with me, It just doesn't seem like I know what to guess or have any intuition/insite. By having y'all guess, It is helping with my dr's appointment anxiety that I get about 8 days before each appointment. (Like I stated in a previous post). I am trying to conquer my (irrational) fears - so Let's have some fun, Guess away.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Answers and Questions

A few weeks back an anonymous commenter asked for info regarding the Ta.mpa Reso.lve Group. Here ya go, since you are anon, I have no real way of making sure you get this:

"Hello from Res.olve. It's the New Year and we are very excited to remind you of our guest speaker for January's meeting being held this Wednesday night, 7pm, in the Auditorium at Memorial hospital in So.uth Ta.mpa. The.resa Ta.pp will be discussing benefits of exercise and a special, unique workout. Its called the T-Ta.pp workout, designed specifically for Fertility patients. We look forward to her discussion and have a special evening planned for all.

As always, we look forward to seeing everyone and hearing about you and your individual journeys.
Please feel free to respond to this email with any questions and/or directions, etc.
Sincerely, Tampa Facilitators"

*email or leave a comment for me (with a way to get back to you) if you want the leader's email address

I am sleeping way too much, is this normal? Aren't I supposed to not be tired in the second tri-mester? Or is this because I wasn't tired in the first tri-mester? I think I could sleep 24 hours a day and be fine with it ...

Someone asked if I was going to allow my child to goto my inlaws house - i answer that with a yes when we visit. (unless there are known allergies) We don't visit often, only like 2 times a year (even though it's only 2.5 hours away) Our schedules are always conflicting and such. So most of the time is spent emailing and phone time.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Alil Filtering

Well, We made it back. In one piece. It was quite a trip. I tried to come up with stories that I could share that people would actually believe, because my husbands family is nothing but interesting.

We opened ch.ris.tmas presents and everyone enjoyed that. I believe everyone was very happy with what they received. We all sat around and talked for a while, until was opened. Then we lost the boys. (i should clarify that my husband is the oldest of 8 ranging in age from 29-3 in a house with 11 animals (4 yippy dogs and 7 cats) and not the most healthy,ideal circumstances/environment) So lets just say it is the opposite environment that I am familiar with w/o going into too much judgemental-ness/history.

The best story I think that I could get away with posting is:
They are now onto c.ats. (n.ew way to ge.t r.ic.h q.uick.) And the cats are beautiful but have s.e.x everywhere. On tables, chairs, patio ....ETC and the 3 yr old says 'they are making babies'................. I can't tell you how much I find that very um, what's the word....inappropriate.

Ok i have to stop before I get all caught up and start off key.

Here is a pic of the cats though, they are pretty:

I had to stay home today. I dunno if it was the detox from all the animals and chaos or what but I got a migraine that was I had to keep a cold washcloth in it for about 12 hours and finally got some relief. does nothing for me and it did nothing for this awful headache. I hope that one never comes back.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Christmas Again?

Thanks for the many encouraging words and unfailing support yesterday. I do feel a difference. Just putting my feelings out there gives them less satisfaction. If I am not afraid to acknowledge them, they do not feel so victorious over me.

I receieved some of the coolest gifts this year. Anyone familiar with This website? I have never seen it before, but i now am intrigued and think it's just the bee's knees. We received gift certificates through this website. it makes giving restaurant gift cards so much easier now.

Also, visiting my sister, We were walking downtown where she lives and I saw two of the greatest signs ever and of course, I posted them for you to see also:




We are going out of town tonight to do w/ E's family this weekend. Rest assured there will be good stories and pictures when we get back.

New Year, Resolution

Here is a post that needs to get out of my head: I do not apologize for this post but I do ask that if you are compelled to leave a nasty comment – email me instead – this is a Fearful Pregnancy Post. It was inspired by a few people. One being my husband another being a great friend to me.

The last few days, I have been plagued with fear. I have tried warding it off, meditating, baking, reading, sleeping, praying, etc. you name it.

I feel that since I am on the “other side of the fence”, I have an obligation to remember my audience and remember where I came from. I am reluctant to write about things are that aren’t all rainbows and butterflies. I don’t know if it’s because:

I haven’t seen a Dr in 21 days, and I will not see one for another 7 days. That’s a month!!! I know that I am supposed to carry on like a “normal” pregnant woman, but I have NO IDEA what that feels like. I had u/s at ~5, ~6, ~7, ~9, ~11 weeks. Now I am going on 15 weeks I have stopped my M.etfo.rmin, and, and down to ½ a pill of prednisone every other day until my next appointment.

I still feel like I am on the IF side of the fence. Yes I have a baby in utero, there has been a heartbeat confirmed, but I am only 32% of the way there. And on the other hand HOLY CANOLY I only have 68% left to go … This is the most pregnant I have ever been ( I say that every week) and this is the more pregnant than I ever thought I would be! And I am 1000000 % feeling blessed in awe of every day I wake up.

My next door neighbor has had 4 pregnancies and they all end about 20-26 weeks. She is now 24 weeks and has been in and out of the hospital this past week trying to stop contractions. They sewed her cervix closed (at 13 weeks) but the cervix funneled a few days ago and now the contractions are under control (under 4 an hour) but she is back in the hospital and I am scared for her, she is scared for her, our familes are scared for us. I have called her every day for the past week because I just want this for her just as much as I want this for me. Her family is like my family. I call her grandmother Memaw! I mean we are close. And we are there for eachother, ya know! I wish she was closer. She is 400 miles away and all I can do is call and tell her funny jokes and listen to the worry and anxiety in her voice. She will be fine. I just know it. I know it in my heart that we will both be fine. It just takes getting the cobwebs and the haunting thoughts out that cloud and loom over the good thoughts.

I went out New Years Eve to one of E’s co-workers house. I had the best time I have had in ages and I was up the latest I have been in about 6 yrs on NYE. We danced and had a blast. Ever since Jan 1 (when we got home – Fear creped in and crippled me. It is taunting me with irrational and rational fears - reminding me of my past experiences and robbing me of the capability to think positively and look forward to great things. I sat on the couch and cried most of the day Dec 31 and Jan 1. I am not going to let fear take hold of me – I am ending it here. Today starts a new day for me. I am not going to be afraid to blog about this anymore. I will blog my thoughts, experiences on this journey. I will not be afraid.