Friday, April 27, 2007

Total Eclipse of the Heart

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Wait and See

It's CD 18 and 49 days on Metformin. I am still maintaining the no yeast, lots of organic meats, fruits and veggies diet.

I need to go weigh myself to see if my new prospective on food has helped me loss any more weight. Dare I type this where my ovaries can read, BUT I think I experienced ovulation this month. I was not smart and did not chart temps, or use my Easy Fertility Monitor, or any kind of OTC OPK's, because in the back of my mind, somewhere between reality, faith and despair, I continue to think that "THIS could be it, My Magical Month". I had what I think is CM. I am not completely sure being that it is an unexpected, surprisingly shocking visitor in my world. I have not had CM in years... I'd be willing to bet ~ 5-6 yrs. (That I can recall.)

In college, when I wasn't worried or concerned about all this technical TTC stuff, I remember wishing it away because I had plenty of it and I didn't know it was actually purposeful. (this is why I think I'm being punished - even though I know that's a crazy thought)

The untimely arrival of my pleasantly surprising visitor could not have come at a more worse time. It was the day I spent most of my night in the ER. ... Need I say more. We tried to seize the moment just in case. (not in the ER, but wouldn't that have been a funny story to retell) But man 'o man, after that whole debacle, I wasn't feeling like making Sexy Time. (neither am i completely convinced sure it was CM). I had a few dull achy pains on the left side where my ovary is also, so maybe .. just maybe i did .. we wait and see, if not C.lomid here I come

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

My new body armor

Well for the exciting news first, Ill start backwards:

I went to my primary care physician today and found out that I have drop 14 lbs. I am so freak'n excited. I knew I had lost weight, I could feel it but WHOA 14 lbs ................... That Insulin Book isn't a crapshoot after all.

I know you are thinking ... Dr's appointment, I didn't know she had a Dr. appointment - she would have told us if she had one, I mean what else is a fertility blog about if we aren't informed of ALL medical related information ..... Funny you should be thinking that because when I woke up Tuesday morning, I wasn't planning a trip to see the Dr. but my body had other plans {insert cheesy, ironic, predictable, scary movie music here}

So I am going about my day, noticing that for some reason, "Boy do I have to pee alot", (still not sure why thing is happening, I feel all "bloated or full in the abdomen" when I have to pee and i have to pee often ... (i still do not know why this is happening, I'm assuming a cyst) ..Ok moving on

So 4 pm I am in the bathroom at work and in simple terms "doing #1". I then notice ALOT of bright red in my undergarment .. at first I get mad because AF stopped Saturday and I'm thinking .."CRAP, MORE BLEEDING C'MON" .. then i notice that the blood is WAY too far back to be AF bleeding and I start to get a lil freaked out and test my theory * i know sorry for the bad imagery* But yes it was coming from THAT area and I asked a very good co-worker what she thought and she told me .. its probably fine just a strain from takin care of business, in her words. So I go about my day. I had a meeting after work, So i went to that, went to the bathroom again and noticed alot more ... So i excuse myself from the meeting and drive home to tell my husband. He investigated the situation and insists that we go, without dinner, immediately to the ER. Now, I am starting to feel light headed, hungry, and very anxious. Luckily for me, It must have been a good TV night, because the ER was empty, I was taken back within 20 mins of arriving after the triage nurse telling me, Oh you take aspirin .. thats probably your problem, I inform her that I was instructed to take aspirin and she states that alot of Dr. do that with out real cause ..... Maybe we should all see her for our RE appointments. ..... Lil miss know it all Triage LaDY .. (if I had been dying on any other day I would have had to wait at least 2 hours). Here's where it gets interesting:

OK so I get back in the ER room, the nurse comes in and attempts to start an IV .... why, I dunno... then he states that he needs to draw blood, I explain to the nice nurse that I am a very hard stick and that I require a butterfly .. he confidently responds "I am the BLOOD drawing KING". I advice him that many of his fellow commodores h ave stated the same thing but leave me black and blue .... I'm again reassured of his mad skills .... Long story short .............

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I was stuck by 3 different nurses ... and finally they had to send someone from the lab down to draw it. I have 3 areas on my arm that all look identical to that ... AND i had an allergic reaction to the paper tape they use to hold on the cotton after they remove the needle (notice the blown vein)

OK back to my story ... Dr came in and told me that maybe I was bleeding from that place where AF comes from.... I wanted to respond .......... Don't start with me Jerkface, I KNOW where I am bleeding from .... but I responded calming that I disagreed with that but maybe she know something I didn't. SO she decided to take a peek and do a pelvic examine (YUCK)... then replies that she guesses I was expelling red fluids from other regions that are not related to AF, we must test it to see if it is blood ... WOW genius... lets DO

After $50, a long night, no dinner, and bad TV I was sent home because everything was normal.. YES it's completely NORMAL to expel red fluids out of your other regions. I was instructed to call my Primary Care Physician in the morning for a follow-up. Which explains my very first statement ..... We discussed my new foods/meds and decided that I must have internal hemorrhoids ................ WTF ................. She relates it to my Metformin Moments (which i have very few of) and new foods. The bleeding was related to the fact that I have been taking aspirin which she wants me to stop and instead take a stole softener EVERY DAY .............. Yippeeee fun for me. I will have to call the dr of the vampyric research (my RE) and see what he thinks about this .... Life is always exciting when TTC .. (hey lookie here, I figured out how to post pics)

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Just lettin It all hang out

I have been on the computer ALOT lately .... reading, researching, seeking advice (*or assvice), support and knowledge and all sort of other stuff. I do this when I feel out of control, and I am seeing a pattern. I try to be all cool and collected and go with the flow type of attitude. Just relax, trust your gut, pray, try acupuncture, prop your butt up with pillows, drink lots of water, eat healthy, pray more, , try herbal remedies, breathing exercises, take clomid, try Metformin, etc.. You name it, I have probably tried it at least once if not longer.

I took a break since January now I am ready. Actually I am more than ready, I am anxious, nervous, confused, scared, worried, CONSUMED ... Yes that's it, I am Consumed by this Baby Babble and feelings of inadequacy, failed, and broken.

(I have tried very hard to keep my personal life private but I am going to share a little about me in hopes that my nerves are calmed. I have wanted to post something like this for a while but didn't have the time nor the words and this week, I'm just very burdened by all this TTC shenanigans and looking for a venting avenue.)

I work in the forensics/law enforcement field and so does my husband. Many of my co-workers are and have become great friends and extended family members because we are working together alot on holidays when we should be with our "familes" or just weird hours/times/cases that require support. There are about 150 co workers I deal with daily and believe it or not, most (more than half) are females and about 10 people are pregnant. My co-workers, that are like my closest friends, are also both pregnant (1 is almost due in may and the other which i was the closest to is 5 months). The one that is 5 months was my support while I was going through my surgeries, clomid cycles and miscarriages. We have been friends since college and met back up at the work place and it was wonderful having a friend like her around. She didn't give too much of that assvice, "just relax, it will happen" blah blah ... she was always there for me me, drove to the ER for one of my miscarriages, listened to me freak out and cry over failed clomid cycles, cried over all the other people getting pregnant and just was there for me when I didn't want to discuss baby topics at all. Now that she is pregnant, after like 2 months of trying, (during my last round of failed clomid when the dr wouldn't give me anymore and told me i needed an RE for stronger meds/procedures) I am with out a "friend". I know this is just me being ridiculous but she was the only friend that didn't have a baby or children ... and i am VERY excited for ... but I do not have "that girlfriend that I can talk to". I want her to experience all the goodness and not so goodness that comes with being happy and healthy and able to conceive/pregnant. It's a blessing and I truly feel that way and I don't want to keep repeating myself like a broken record performing my simplified routine of "it makes me feel bad when I see pregnant people".

I went through all that to say that she is picking out daycares, and making decisions, and buying maternity clothes, and eating EVERYTHING that I want to eat, and talking about her future morning schedule - dropping baby off, picking baby up, feeding, painting nursery, taking baby classes, etc... I find myself getting bitter and I will say things that I do mean ..but it comes out wrong ... " She will say, I'm not giving my child a pacifier" and I'll state that you haven't met the child, they may really require a pacifier or something along those lines ....

I do not have kids, but I babysat all growing up ALOT, and I was a nanny 4 yrs in college and I babysit every saturday right now. I watch a 3 yr old, 2 yr old and a 4 month old for a few hours on saturdays. I have been around kids all my life, My husband is the eldest of 9 of a single working mother.. We know what children are like and have raised many at times in our life .... We understand it is not all fairytales and happily ever afters .... i just feel so uneasy and wish that I could make it stop ... some days are easier then others ... Why can't I muster up enough strength, courage, kahunas, or whatever else I need to just go in a fill the Rx for my Clomid. Why am I procrastinating? What am I waiting for ......

Monday, April 16, 2007

Apples, Lettuce, Carrots, Take-Out and Cupakes (not the kind you wanna eat) ...Oh my

Well, It's CD 9 and 40 days on Metformin. I am still attempting to do the no yeast, organic meats, fruits and veggies.

My taste buds have changed !!!! I like apples(even the apple peels), carrots, lettuce, squash, water, steamed cauliflower and broccoli, brussels sprouts .. all things that I attributed as gross and yucky .... And they fill me up and keep me full. That was my hugest argument. The bird food never made me feel "un hungry and satisfied". Now it does .. maybe it's the combination of that and the metformin. Whatever it is, its working! * although, I confess I still can not eat spinach leaf salads ....

My sister came home this weekend and had some plans that involved our whole family to go to church together on Sunday. After church, we were invited to join a few people at a southern buffet restaurant that are known for their very hot, warm yummy YEAST ROLLS with honey butter . UM, need I mention Not diet friendly. I must say that I was extremely proud of myself when leaving the restaurant. I ate salad first, then 1/2 piece of grilled chicken, that was actually quite tasty, then steamed broccoli, corn, brussels sprouts, I snuck in a few fried Okra because i just love them and its hard to find good ones, and 1/2 of a yeast roll with butter. Thank God for my sister - she and I halfed the chicken and the roll. She knew I really wanted one but was too afraid to go get one myself - in fear of eating the whole thing. My sister and I realized that restaurants like this are like feeding troughs for the american family. YUCK

While everyone else was moaning and groaning about eating too much, all i kept thinking of was, "Gosh, I am really very proud of myself. A whole dessert section of the restaurant, all the macaroni and cheese I could eat, friend chicken, sweet tea, ice cream machines, mashed potatoes, biscuits gravy, yeast rolls ....... and I stuck to THE PLAN .... goo me, go me" Cabbage Patch 'n around the parking lot ... Yes I always have had a short coming with food ;) I am learning to not be glutinous in all aspects of my life.

This leads to a story that i wasn't going to share but feel its now necessary. I have been doing this new food plan for like 40 days. I have not weighed myself in months ... maybe even a yr. So i do not know exactly how much i weighed before i started this - but i can tell you that I can pull my jeans (hot from the dryer) on and off without even unbuttoning/unzipping them ... I do not know exactly how much weight that determines .. I have been complaining because I cut out my 4 cokes a day and no chocolates and sugars and I was whining that I had lost nothing .. then BOOM all of a sudden, last week, all my clothes felt looser. (and so did my bra)

The loose in my bra is not anything I am happy about. ITS ONLY in ONE chesticle!!! Yes folks, one ,and only one, is shrinking ............WTF. I am getting rather paranoid that I will be lopsided and people will point or gaulk. It just makes me feel rather uneasy and self concious. (like I need another reason) My husband and I had a talk about "will Plastic surgeons give me a deal because I only need One implant ?" Then he remembered that they sell THIS (takeouts and cleavage cupcakes) .... because one of my very open friends used to swear by these ... I just may to have to invest into these If only one continues to shrink ---- Why can't my body even lose weight in the right areas.... I mean do you really think I was saying to myself "BOY, I gotta diet because these darn boobs are too big ... i need to do someting about this" ................ I think NOT

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Losing my mind ...

I am sorry if yesterdays post was WAY more graphic then anyone wanted to know about me - I don't have any real life infertile friends at all ..... and I OBVIOUSLY need one to two ..... Sorry again for that ... I was just panicking and my degree from the Google University and the University of Common Sense was failing me. *plus I was heavily medicated*

I need to figure out how to link texts to things and post pictures .... I am working on that ....

Ok so I told you way back that I have a tv addiction, Anyone watch Friday Night Light's? Very good show, if you have not seen it, I suggest watching it.

I have been watching October Road on ABC at 10 pm on Thursday nights - love the first like 3 episodes ...... found out tonight that it wont air but some show about "notes from the underbelly" will be playing instead. It is a show about a couple who finds out they are pregnant and weren't trying nor really fully sure they want to be pregnant and the etc. ..... LIKE TV NEEDS ANOTHER SHOW ABOUT THIS .. ........................ I should include it's going to be a comedy sitcom ... oh, boy won't it be a hoot and comic relief .... Unfortunately I'm just bitter - AND will probably watch because I am massacistic.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Moving Right Along ...

Well, It's CD 4 and 35 days on Metformin. Since i am almost done with all my stressful situations at work, should be the end of April, I decided I would hold off this month on the Clomid. I am going on Vacation May 7th - 12th and that would be about the time to find out If the Clomid+ Met worked and I didn't want to be sad, mad, depressed ..or many other emotions that take residence when AF shows up or a cycle fails. So I am still on the "TTC" break.

Honestly, at first, it was nice to not chart temps, pee on sticks for my monitor, BD every other day like a cycled appointment, and pretend to "just relax". NOW, the more I go to work, the more people announce pregnancies. It is freakin spring.. I guess everyone that I surround myself with is a fertile myrtle or in Full Bloom - or "It's just their time".

My first baby shower that I had to plan for my office mate at work was yesterday. As ironic as this may sound...I didn't want to go to work. My cramps were so bad and AF was so heavy and I didn't get much sleep. Some drunk driver went through our parking lot where we live and decided to hit many of the cars in the parking lot - at 2 am - so the cops had to come and identify all the damaged cars - luckily mine nor my husbands were not involved - but we still had to be out there to give a statement. I think it was a boyfriend/girlfriend fight - because one car seemed to be the target - and then that target car just got tossed around the parking lothitting most of the rest of the cars in the lot ---- Dear LORD ... so crazy. SO there were many reasons I wasn't feeling all hostess like for a baby shower. But it went over well and everyone was happy.

WARNING TMI info inc -***not for the weak stomach*** seeking advice -

I have had a few chemical pregnancies in my past and I am wondering if there is anyone else that has had once of these and would be willing to read this and either email or or comment on the following ... My period was like about 9 or 10 days later than most periods in the past - but like my chemical pregnancies - I have been extremely tender, crampy and in a lot of pain in the abdomen/pelvic/vaginal area (more so than my other cycles). Also, this period is very bleedy (extremely large clots that are not dark red - but more of the color that muscle are in textbooks or the color of the inside of your tonsils - like a dull pinkish-purple). This is kinda reminding me of the pain I experienced with my chemical pregnancies that I had in the past, but it's been a while since that and I can't fully remember - that is why I am asking

I have been know to have clots before but they are usually at the start of my period and they are darker red color and not large , just small ones. Is this a symptom of PCOS? I am all new to this diagnosis... just a little confused .

Sunday, April 8, 2007

The Bunny Sucks

Day 32 on Metformin, CD 1 Thank you Easter Bunny!

Hope all the rest of you have a great easter. I will try as soon as I stop licking my wounds.

I woke up at 6 am feeling like I just wanted to throw my guts up and boobs were hurting and I have to tell you , a glimmer of hope ran through my body - "OMG an EASTER MIRACLE, right here and now" - what I thought ..... then I happened to glance at the pink on the tissue?!

I have to tell you, I shouldn't be that upset because yesterday I treated myself to a 55 minute hot stone massage and pedicure. I suggest that if you have never had one of these ----- GO NOW ---- It was 55 minutes of merely bliss. I was not feeling crampy, or crabby like I normally do, but work has really been stressing me out lately and I told my husband that I think maybe i need some help relaxing so that my period will start. Indeed it did, I am not sure if it was directly related to the massage or just a cowinkydink.

DUNDundunnnnnnnnn .. now the big dreaded questions, which I should have already decided upon....... Do I get my prescription for Clomid filled now and take it day 3-9 or do I wait next cycle in hopes the new food plan, less stress at work, and metformin plus Clomid have better chances of working??

DISCLAIMER - I was a psycho-crying, hot flash having, mood swinging, emotional wreck the last time I took clomid. (i blame 1/2 of that on losing my partial 3rd ovary ( i took clomid 3 months after my lap and HSG) - which was hormone producing inside the opening of my fallopian tube, and the other 1/2 on 2 friends (and a few co-workers) getting pregnant w/o much attempt) I tended to find out about pregnant women on days I found out I either didn't ovulate that cycle or days when I started my period.

Yeah I know, It's easter and I should be Miss Suzie Sunshine - I will work on my attitude before I leave my house ;)

On a serious note, thanks for listening, and I really do wish many blessings upon you this easter season

Friday, April 6, 2007

Solving world Peace

Day 30 on Metformin, CD 39

Yes, that means still no period. The other night my stomach felt hot on the inside and crampy. I usually know when I am going to get my period because I feel my lower abdomen on the inside feels like it is on fire. I don't really know howelse to describe it... but with that that feeling as subsided and barely lasted 8 hours

HOORAH - i have to refill my Metformin prescription today - I run out on saturday night- I have gone through 1 month of Met and I survived with very little movie plots for hollywood.

I know that I have confesses before that I should stay out of myspace chat forums - and once again- Today I am reminded that I should follow that bit of my own advice- I am going to post a lil sample of why - this exerpt was written by me responding to another womans post about losing weight and how she felt like it probably wouldn't help since she was 150 lbs in high school and never got a regular period then - why would losing weight help her now .......and here is my response:

{"I would try to think more of getting healthy then losing weight- It will indirectly help you lose weight plus give you longer benefits than a diet - Eatting a well balanced meal plan (notice I didnt say diet) and having some (even if its a little) physical exercise -is better than "dieting" because so many times we as self-conscious horomal females do not diet properly - ( i am included in this catagory) Most of the time for me (and maybe im the only one who does this) But i feel like my life is out of control and I tend to over control the things that i can - BECAUse it makes me "feel better" Or im going to eat THIS because i CAN , or I CAN CHOOSE this - then we intend to cut out "junk" all together - we do well for a while, then it gets overwhelming, and we get upset, then we end up justifying to "just one" (that may lead to binging or not), then we feel guilty - guilt leads to depression - depression leads to eatting more (for most) - and then comes the self-imploding feelings
I know from experience that i am an "all or nothing" type of person - i get motivated, then the pressure starts to build up or i thought i planned better but i didn't - Now, because i labeled this a diet- and next thing you know I have lead myself down a road of a continued cycle of an eatting disorder - whether it be under or over eatting anything really. I did not write this to affend anyone - it has been a big eye opening and soul search for myself- I have read many articles, books, and journals and come to the conclusion that I beleive that PCOS is a direct result of an nutritional imbalance or an eatting disorder . All my life I tended to be "big boned" or taller and larger framed then my "friends". so i yo-yo dieted ALOT. I only weighed 168 at 5'6 when i graduated High school but i was thicker in body mass then alot of my friends and that made me feel self - conscious. I didn't realize it then - but do now , that undereatting (even though i was not throwing it up) or later on in life when i began to over eat - THAT is an eatting disorder. Although I thought i was controling my foods- they were controling me - In the past month have come to grips with all of this and I have been learning how to eat in moderations and begin to give my body the correct nutrients it need to function properly - meaning getting my periods on time, ovulating, improving my eyesight, lowering cohlestral, uping my energy level, kicking PCOS in the butt, all all those other factors that relay on the foods we digest ...I do not have any other ailments now except PCOS, but I intend to keep striving so when i get older I will not suffer from any of this either. "}

Now I feel bad about posting this in a response on myspace - I was meaning to inspire or encourage but after i read and re-read it, i feel like maybe it was a bit much for people who do not understand my passion for people. I want to "help and make everything better". I tend to scare people alot because i am very passionate .... I'm afraid I came acrossed as some "know it all". Or AH HAH a revolation or ephinany or some form of utopia and everyone should be "like me". BUT that was not my point I just dont want it to turn into a "what does she know, she is overweight and doesn't have a kid and can't stay pregnant, why does she think she can come solve world peace on myspace".....

Monday, April 2, 2007

Weekend Update ;)

Day 26 on Metformin, CD 35 ..... Still No sign of AF - wondering what i should do?!? Call the Dr office?, wait a few more days? - It's bizzare, I usually spend hours upon hours casting my prayers so AF does not show up ..... and now it seems odd to me for wishing that she would just come and get it over with already.

Since we know I do not ovulate (result of PCOS) - I was doing the no yeast or Candida Cleanse. I went about 20 days and was doing great - THEN the dreaded work scenario that was not condusive to "weird foods I can eat to keep me full"in the middle of no where. It was then that I realized that I needed to find some type of plan that would work for me. The New and Improved Diet Plan: I am now just trying to stay away from breads as much as possible. If I have to eat breads, I try to stick with whole grain. I still shop at the fresh market and organic food store for fruits and veggies. We are still eatting very lean and organic meats and alot of beans. I TRY to stay away from salad dressings except this awesome low fat greek dressing .

The past two days I have eatten the honey mustard chicken salad from Quiznos. I don't know what it is about that salad but I am HOOKED on it. (and yes i use the honey mustard dressing).

So overall- feeling better than last week, don't hate all pregnant women - but still don't want to "discuss baby topics" with my pregnant friends - I just get the glassed over look - at lunch today it was "talk about maladies and the ho-hums of being pregnant" .... and about a great new movie that is coming out that everyone in my office cant wait to go see ..... called KNOCKED UP ... First thought .....really we should all go run out there and by tickets in advance to boost the ratings. Second thought- In all honesty, its probably a very funny comedy, I just have lost my sense of humor - if anyone finds it wondering around .. contact me so we can arrange for it to be returned.

I took JJ's advice and watched Facing the Giants - it is a very spiritual movie and I was touched by the storyline. I was raised in church all my life and I know, I do not always grasp the concept of the power of prayer. Alot of the time, I just think selfishly or judementally or that no one is hearing my prayers. There are times that we never get to see our prayer requests come to fruition. That's when I get discouraged and lose faith. Instead of praying differently, I just take my bitterness and go home. I am glad I got to watch it. It has challenged me.