Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Seriously, And I Hate vegetables

I know that am over weight and have been TTC for 4 years + now - I did weight watcher's for 9 months and lost 65 lbs a few yrs ago. (and gained it back as soon as i didn't keep to a strict plan) BUT- knowing what i know now, I wish i was aware of the way your body metabolizes/uses different types of foods. I was recently diagnosed with PCOS - and I am reading up on Insulin and how the body stores/disperses/uses this AND what i have discovered is that although I did weight watchers and learned "to count points" I still was eating the wrong types of foods - even though i lost weight. I gained it back - On weight watchers- because my body was still storing the wrong types of foods- it was contributing to my insulin lvls and effecting the way i feel daily and hording the weight around my midsection. I really wish I would have been more educated or aware about PCOS from my DR - but she never once mentioned PCOS to me - she ran all kinds of bloodwork, test, laps, HSG, told me to lose weight, provided me clomid for 2 months and never once did she mention that maybe it was what i was eating and how i was eating.

My primary care physician does a full yearly physical every yr on me (for the past 3 yrs) and never once mentioned that my fasting insulin lvls or any lvls were out of the normal range, she just always stated that i need to lose weight, I'm over weight .,... OF course I need to lose weight, IM TRYING LADY !!!! BUT I go one visit to a fertility specialist and he just states that I have PCOS based on my previous records from my gyn's and primary care Dr offices' and that i need to be watching what types of foods i am eating etc and take Metformin.

I am frustrated that no one figured this out after the miscarriages and bad/weird periods, weight in the midsection .... I just don't understand why it took this long to figure out .. It is a huge setback for me. I don't want to the Fertility Dr to help me "get pregnant" and spend lots of money before tackle my Insulin problem. I really feel like i need to concentrate on my Weight and Insulin lvls .... here I am thinking that since all my chlorestral, and triglycerides and such are all checking out that I was healthy - SERIOUSLY -- I am very frustrated - Its overwhelming and i HATE vegetables ;)

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Sun Rise, Sun Set

February is over today ...... and March is here tomorrow ... Elementary My Dear Watson - I have gone crazy with my eating this week (need i mention girl scout thin mints) in preparation for March 1st.

Ever since my dr. appointment I have been Madly/Wildly
googling (a new fav phrase for my husband is wikipediing) PCOS, PolyCystic, Metformin, Insulin Resistance, Candida et al, et nauseum (sp?) .. You name it, I goggled it. Not only did I google it. I spent $70 at the bookstore tonight.

I went to the book store for a particular book called The Insulin Resistance Diet: How to Turn off your Body's Fat-Making Machine by Cheryle Hart, MD and Mary Kay Grossman, RD. It was recommended on a board/forum I read. Well, while in the health section I found a book called The New Glucose Revolution Guide to Living Well with PCOS by Dr Jennie Brand-Miller. Then a book entitled The Infertility Survival Handbook; Beating the Odds and Surviving by Elizabeth Swire Falker just happened to fall on the floor and beg to come home with me, SO I couldn't just leave it there, Plus I do need a survival plan when i come home to tell my husband that, he too, is going on an Insulin/Candida Resistance Diet and I spent $70 in books to guide us.

Tangent - Also, My sister has been trying to get me to understand and try this Candida Cleansing Diet for about 2 yrs now and I just didn't have the disciple or the knowledge. (until now since i am desperate to just ovulate on my own and not have to spend an obscene amount of money on fertility treatments because we cannot afford it - also since i spent the last 6 months of 2006 spending a fortune in an ClearBlue Easy ovulation monitor, CBE ovulation pee sticks, clomid, provera, and many other medical procedures and labs - that resulted in bad times, weigh gain, daily crys', struggling marriage, severed relationships, sleep lost, I'm sure there is more, I just can't remember it all)

With that said, this whole "too much, sugar, yeast, bad carbs" lingo is all starting to make sense. It goes right along with the Insulin Resistance and how you don't even have to be overweight to experience this attack on our organs. Although I am a bit over weight, my sister is FAR from it and she had too much yeast/Candida in her system- enough to bog her internal system down. I know that many women (big, thin, alil over weight, or Goldilocks' (just the right size) all experience infertility and PCOS. It didn't make sense to me at all at first (about 2 yrs ago) - because I kept rationalizing that we have crack hoes, and malnourished woman getting pregnant all the time and I just couldn't believe that I was the lucky statistic that would "have to watch what I ate in order to get pregnant or lose weight before i got pregnant to only put the weight back on. BUT apparently I am. AND I found a book on that also called Complete CandidaYeast Guidebook by Jeanne Marie Martin. Dr's don't test for how much yeast you have you your system (and they should, because It is a silent factor. I would like to be bold enough to say that I would bet that alot of women with "unexplained fertility" could try this diet it would work for them. - but I don't have the research to back that statement up and It is probably "ignorance" speaking. I just want to solve all of our infertiles' problems.. like blink and twitch my nose and make it all magically work out for all of us.

With all my research my husband said that I have received my Doctoral Degree from the University Of Google - and that now I am an expert in Insulin/Candida Diets. My husband and I are "changing our eating habits" as of March 1. SO I will continue my education further with the above list of book which I am sure will lead to more "educated" posts.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

If you POAS, It will come

Ok, So, Let the rambling begin .... My DR told me to take a pee test before i started the Progesterone Pills to induce my period ....well i had a glimmer of faith this month because I have always said that February would be a great if not perfect time for me to get pregnant because of my work. We have multiple holiday's in November and December so i could make my maternity leave last a few weeks longer and we don't have any immediate family members with birthdays in November/December/January and it would be fun to have a baby in time for the "holidays". I know this may seem selfish - since i am struggling with infertility - but other women "plan" their pregnancy. I just don't really have that luxury. In saying this - I will be happy whenever I get pregnant, Just in my small little mind, I was hanging on to the thought that just maybe February was my magical month.

So no period, it was CD 35 ( saturday, yesterday) I peed on a stick Knowing in my heart that it was going to be false ... so i peed - and left very soon after to go get a pedicure to take my mind off the peeing on a stick part ... I was gone like an hour - came back went to pee again - knocked the stick off the counter and picked it up and there was a + in the window .. i had already taken out the trash on my way to get my toes did therefore I didn't have the directions and i was like hyperventilating and saying NO WAY at the same time - Now i am a veteran in the POAS club so i know that some stick results are negated after so many minutes but i also know that other sticks say that if a + shows up after a certain amount of time you are really + and I didn't know which type of stick this was because I was so sure that it was -. Well i called My sister and 2 other people to get second opinions and was all advised to POAS again - so this morning> i did .. it was - . My heart knew that , but ..... but .. i was hoping .. I know that sounds really desperate and unstable. (hopefully I am not all alone in my craziness) I don't have any excuses for my poor behavior and today I do believe that I feel my period arriving. (which i am glad about since i am not pregnant). It will not hold up my plan any further and I do not think I will have to take the pills. Moral of the story -if infertile and period is late - pee on a stick to get it to come ;)

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

And we're back in the Race ...

I really think this should not be called infertility testing – I think that someone is feeding all the vampires with my blood – I had to give 15 tubes of blood at The Institute of Vampyric Research. It went well. He had all my testing and such from the OB/GYN and he actually had read it before we got there and was prepared. I was a little in shock and taken back, because he started off about talking about my “3rd ovary”. He said that in all his practice he had never actually seen that and is concerned that there may be a congenital defect on/around/near/in my fallopian tubes and wants to take a look himself. Who knew I am such a medical phenomenon !?!?! He also said that after researching my test, labs, numbers etc, he and the gyn think that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).

On to the more important stuff – he wants to do another Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). He wants to do it next cycle. And of course AF is late again and I told myself that I should have peed on a stick Monday but I didn’t have any tests and I was “going to stop by the store and get some on Monday night” but I “accidentally” forgot . *have I even mentioned how I hate peeing on sticks* So when he asked me what cycle day I was on I squirmishly answered 33 and quickly followed that with I don’t believe I am pregnant and I didn’t pee on a stick. He wasn’t as harsh about that as I thought he would be. He told me that I should pee on a stick tonight, and then he would give me a prescription of Progesterone to induce my favorite monthly visitor. Then he told me that after I do the HSG and my fal tubes are ok, he has 2 options for me: First option- 500 mg of Metformin (he said 3 pills a day) and followed with 150 mg Clomid CD 5-10. He stated that couple have a 70% success rate (meaning – they ovulate) after the first 3 months. But because I have already taken Clomid and it didn’t work, it doesn’t think that is my “best” option, although he says it is the “most economical”. Second Option is an Injectible know as Bravelle (urofollitropin) on days 3-7, then day 8-9 ultrasound (u/s) and blood test, then some scribble I can read about ovidul → ovulation → sex …. He stated that couples have a 99.9% success rate ( meaning ovulation) immediately if the treatment will work or not. There is a 25% chance of twins, and a 1% chance of more than 2. This treatment should run us about $1000 a month. So we will have to decide after they check under the hood again when I get the results from my HSG. They said I could be awake for it and I could watch on the monitor – that sounds soo cool – lets hope insurance will cover at least the HSG *fingers crossed*

Friday, February 16, 2007

..... bang on the drum all day

Ooooooo DEAR GAWD – the first post I wrote was accidentally Erased ….

So what was I saying … hererrrm.

I believe I was explaining how my biological clock as has started ticking so loudly in February and I was wondering if anyone found the volume control … I’d like to mute mine for a few months … because I was SUPPOSED to be on a break

I wanted a break from Peeing on Sticks (POAS) Club. (not all pregnant stick, ovulations sticks too) In fact I have twitches and anxiety when it comes to POAS. I freak out cry and act all 2 year old like, stop breathing and do the “I don’t wanna” dance. Well. I told my husband in January I wanted a break and that I would let him know when I was ready to join the Medically TTC Club. After my intense fertility boot camp since June, I was emotionally drained and becoming this alarming unfamiliar monster.

I know, I know I said take a break and now I’m talking biological clocks and hearing that damn drum yammering away every minute of every day … can you imagine me at Best Buy “Excuse me, Can you lead me to the remote control department, I need to see if you have a Universal Remote for a 30 yr old Infertile NutJob?”

Ok so since I could not find a remote, I made an appointment to see a Reproductive Specialist. I have seen this Dr before because he is also a GYN, I was not thrilled with him. But he is close and this is a whole new ball of wax and I may like him and his opinion this time around. I did not like him the first time because I thought he was getting a little ahead of my situation – although I am going back there, I am very happy that I did not take his route because his route did not include “exploring my nether regions or taking a gander inside”. So I found an OB/GYN who would. .. SO we will if he has any opinions or advice I like this time. My appointment is Feb 21. Like in 5 days – So now I need to rally up some GOOD questions for him.. I have done all labs, laps, HSG, and stuffs (which are being faxed or mailed to his office as we speak) and I know that I want to ask about what my chances are for him to help me ovulate (since I believe that is hopefully my only problem) Help me …Please .. what else do I want to ask him ..other than how soon can he get he pregnant w/o selling everything I own and becoming homeless …. (just a consult is $315 – and my insurance will not cover it)

Ooh also, before I forget, I am not sure if this is for real but I am reposting (just incase it is) I want to pass it along. If anyone has any real information on this petition let me know. If it not real I will take it down off my post .. happy weekend everyone

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

60 BFN's ..And other mushy stuff

WOW, i never really thought about how many BPN's i have had in my journey. ... .... WOW is all I can say. It's a wonder that I still have any glimpse of hope .... It's not always rainbows and butterflies ... I need to stay out of Myspace Chat rooms .......

How does this make me feel ............. Like a Failure .... My closetest friend is 11 weeks pregnant and has starting telling people at work and i thought that I would not be bothered by this and I thought I'd be excited about it for her .......... and I am...... and even though i know that in 33 weeks she will have a baby, just hearing her excitement in her voice and having others be joyful with her - makes me very uncomfortable - and werided out ..... "this too shall pass"

On a funnier note - My most awesome and amazing husband got me a pick Ipod .... I know that yall do not know how much my husband is opposed to APPLE (some conspiracy I do not really understand) ... but he put his hatred for Apple away just long enough to make my valentine's day SOOo very exciting .... (and with this gift comes a very hilarious story) Since you do not know my husband, you do not realize how incredibly shy and quiet he is.. (unlike myself ..he really is the polar opposite to me -

Ok so, I got a phone call from my husband yesterday and it went something like this:
DH- "do you know what your cat did?"
Me- "well since you saidm "your cat" it's bad
DH- " Yes remember the gift your parents gave me to replace the one your cat chewed up?
Me- "Yes your headset, walkie-talkie for your computer game"
DH- "Welp she ate another one, she chewed the cord right at the base where you plug it into the computer AGAIN"
Me- "Hey I know what i can get you for valentine's day Now"

So i had to run to Target to get a peace offering and i got this stuff that you spray on stuff to deter pets from chewing ..lets hope it works - if not he said "kitty is gone"

But i get home with my peace offering and he hands me a gift ... i open it to find a "Strip Armband for an IPOD ...... OMG im totally excited but yet very confused ... i asked what i was going to do with that ... and then he pulls his other hand out from around his back........ A PINK IPOD .. weeeeeeeee

then he told me that he bought the IPOD and the sales clerk told him that he needed to get a case and asked what Kind I would like .. and w/o thinking ... he states "a strap on one" he said he immediately turned BEET RED and the sales clerk ( w/o missing a beat says , Sir, you are in the wrng store for that" ....

Hope all have a very Happy Valentine's Day!!! - i forgot to mention that we celebrated it yesterday because my husband works tonight --- 2 more days til he is done working 3-midnight Yeah mE

he tells me this story AFTER he gives me "the gift"

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

It's Not a Bad Day !!!!

It's not a bad day ... Have you ever felt or said "This must just be a bad day!"...... Reality of people suffering/coping with infertility - 1-CONTROL - (or lack there of) ...It's your body and it should work like the science books teach you in 5th grade. I can completely relate to this. That feeling of out of control-ness makes me way more crazy and feeling out of the sorts and just plain NOT NORMAL ... I was advised to find something (postive and healthy) that I can control - Something that allowed me to regain confidence and control over my own life with I am at the mercy of all the Dr's and treatments. (Including all our real life people that we interact with that all happen to be pregnant or are getting pregnant easily). It's serioulsy a hourly struggle for me - I was offered relaxation tapes - they are based on your menstration cycles - I took them at first not realizing how stressed I allow myself to get and thought I would never really get that relaxed with them, but i tell you - It's strange how it helps my mind relax when this lady talks to me and tells me what to do - it's just instructions to let yourself relax - and it has worked at times for me and It helps me feel more "in control". It's weird that in our "fast lane" society, we are never taught how to relax but told to relax ...... I am glad that I have times of relaxation .... just wish i can figure out how to bottleit up and take it with me all day so I don't have the urge to Kill those that piss me off. Anybody come up with a cure for the uncontrolled feeling that is legal ?

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

So ......

Today I realized that at my work, we have meetings to discuss how we can be more "standardized and efficient" ....... (How Oxymoronic . *new word*) ... MORE Efficient would not take me AWAY from my WORK ....... If I am in a meeting for like what feels to be forever *which equates to about 1 hour*, but this said meeting is to start at 11:15 which no one starts showing up to til 11:30 - HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO TO LUNCH ..I can not think about being more effective w/o LUNCH ?!?!?!?! And secondly, I still stand on my first observation that having a meeting about efficiency ISN'T EFFICIENT! Its Bitch Fest 2007. And even though the meeting will be adjourned, we will all scatter to our holes and commence the email/phone bashing of whomever's idea it was to have a meeting about being more efficient.

The "I've been doing it this way for (fill in the blank) years" club will revolt because a new era is upon them -They will NOT do it that way because that is NOT how its always been done - therefore .. more LESS efficient work and talk will be had all over the office - because us young whippersnappers think that being more efficient looks like equal work for all and with new technology we could do way more work than we are performing now - BUT ..... the meeting thoughts and ideas will eventually Fade into the place good ideas are kept.... and the universe will go back to not being efficient and we will have another deja veux meeting next month - It's much Like Groundhog's Day (the Movie)

Monday, February 5, 2007

Why people need education on Infertility ...

Setting up the stage : January 3rd on our way to the gym I asked DH to stop at Books-a Million … I had found a few books on the Internet and wanted to look at them before I bought them and my husband wanted a book for Christmas that He didn’t get, I promised him it would only take approx 10 mins … ….

Enter stage right : we enter the book store, I go to the health section of the store and I'm looking for this book on infertility/coping/options/procedures blah blah ….. cant find anything in the health section .. so I walk back to the parenting/pregnancy section .. and I’M looking up and down the isle .. (*enters what looks like a 16 yr old girl and her 16 yr old boyfriend wearing matching high school jackets) and she is trying to find a what to expect when you are expecting book and I'm just still looking for the books I want to look at … My husband walks over and says that they don’t have a Stephen king book he is looking for .. and I tell him that I cant find my books either and I must be looking in the wrong section or something – so he convinced me to ask for help and he walks back over to the magazines – which I knew was a bad idea (asking for help) but appeased him because my approx 10 mins was running close … so I ask some lil old lady if she can maybe direct me to her infertility section, I proceed to tell her that I looked in the health section and it wasn’t there .. so she says that they have a huge selection and brings me back to the pregnancy isle where I just left ….. and says I know we have to have some .. blah blah …I tell her that I am looking for one in particular and she says that she will find some .. and then she walks up and down the isle telling me that I can just buy a what to expect when expecting book or a pre-pregnancy book and it will tell me how to get pregnant in any of the conception books… and I’m now getting embarrassed, angry, frustrated and over the fact I am looking for books …… so I tell her nevermind I will just buy them online and start to walk away ..I hear her ask the 16 yr girl if she saw any infertility books and I keep walking cuz at this time she is kinda loud and I am more angry and steam is starting to come out of my ears .. she YELLS .. “HONEY HONEY HONEY we found one on Fertility, Come back, Come BACK”, My husband is on the other side of the store and he comes running over to me because he knows that she was yelling at me and he knows that I may hit her, or just drop on the floor and melt, or become a raging lunatic at any moment (yeah hormones - i should have prefaced this story with - i was on my second month of clomid at a high dosage) …. And she proceeds to announce to the store that she and the 16yr old have found a “taking charge of your fertility” book .. My husband (who works well under pressure) calmly tells her that we have that one and we start to head out .. but she looks at the 16yr old and she announces to her "O she already has that one"

…… then I went to the gym and had the best workout ever !!!I swear.... I can not make this stuff up !!!

Sunday, February 4, 2007

TIVO .... I love you

Well, I am very unsure how to work all this in land of Blogger. It took me forever to figure out how to post a new post. I had to create a new blog in order to get to my dashboard. Well, hopefully I will figure out what I did to make this work for the next post.

Well lets get to my Favorite Subject: TV.

Shows I am watching: (thank God for the invention of TIVO)

Desparate Housewive's (which better start getting good or Im through with our relationship) - there is much useful space on my TIVO harddrive - C'Mon bring back dirt and quality entertainment from the first session

Brother's and Sisters -

Rome - ( history geek, I cant help it)

Grease, You're the One that I want - yes I should be ashamed of myself - labeled as guilty pleasures - and I think it ends really soon

Studio 60 - I dont know why But I am in love with this show - I just am

What about Brian - Yes I know again, I should be ashamed of myself - but its like a trainwreck ... you just cant stop watching and hoping and dreaming about a life like this

Gilmore Girls - I have to say I love this show the best- This show has gotten me through 6 Seasons - but lately I'd rather just not watch anymore - which makes me sad and feel like I am cheating on Lorilea or Rory - but I cant take the Luke has a daughter and she REALLY pisses me off - and Lane having sex one time on a beach in Mexico and now is having Twins - i mena C'MON REALLY - just drives up bad energy frommy psyche

Veronica Mars - (yeah yeah I'm stuck on cliche teenybopper shows) Believe it or Not, Im soooooo much better than last year. Which I am too ashamed to mention what shows I was watching ................................. (Laguna Beach, The Hills, One Tree Hill) - oh I should be mortified

Dirt-(a few episodes behind but WOW, what a killer show, I feel very "dirty" after watching

Friday Night Lights - If you missed this, you should be ashamed of yourself .... I mean seriously - Texas and Football - is there anything else In Texas (hahahaha)

Grey's Anatomy - Lately should be known as "Sob Fest"

Shows that I miss and wonder what happened to them: They are MIA - sent out the search party ....

6th Degress - man i was totally into this show and now what .. Its gone, with out saying goodbye and I can not find any info on it

Big Love - They were supposed to start back in January , Its February ....

What else is an infertile woman supposed to do to escape reality .... bring my show back ..... I need them .... my prrecious

Saturday, February 3, 2007


I have been toying with the idea that I blog about "As My World Turns" for many months. I have been introduced to many blogs and they have inspired me for many times in my 30 years of being an alien on planet Earth. As like many on the Internet looking for advice and support, I too, am medically diagnosed as "Infertile". dun dun duuuun

My husband and I have been losing this battle of infertility for over 4 years now. I have seen many Infertility Blogs and Communities and I am envious of their support, so I decided that I am going to give this a whirl and see if It saves me money in therapy. (and little to no jail time - because hitting pregnant women is a felony)

Things that a reader may need to know: (or not need to know)

1- I have 2 cats which do not act like Cats at all but tend to be dog like and demanding
2- I live like 7 miles from where I grew up and where my parents are still living ( yes small town America)
3- I have a small family 1 younger sister who is studying to be a psychologist
4- My Husband is the oldest 1 of 8 - yes that's right folks ... they range for age 28-2.
5- There are many things else to post .. but lets start slow ... and see how it goes.