Thursday, July 12, 2007

Resolve and The Rambling's of my head

I went to my very first resolve meeting last night. We addressed an issue in great lengths, Secondary Infertility- I ashamedly admit, in the past, I was on the "you have 1 kid you should be grateful" bandwagon. But recently, I have found strength in numbers and encouraging energy from those that crossed over from Primary Infertility to Infertility after baby 1. Infertility is Infertility regardless. There are some women that have never seen a positive pregnancy test and there are some that have experienced many miscarriages. All of our stories are not exactly alike, but our emotions are. It's all a journey and we all need each other’s strengths, hopes, stories for encouragement and to help provide a glimmer of hope on a very lonely and depressing time. It is much better to support each other through all of this and use this situation as an opportunity for healing, learning and education. We all have "different" parts that make the struggles and journeys different that play into the big picture but there is something to learn from everyone. Since we are all suffering from Infertility, we all know that you have to be open to options. Because, frankly, that is what "this" is all about. Options ... and through all these options, I have allowed myself to learn patience and tolerance, and walk softer and have my ears more open. It doesn't mean that I do not "hurt" less. I now think about Infertility this way: Depression(or fill in the blank with any sickness/disease/medical phenomenon) - there are MANY numerous causes/treatments of depression. The common bond between 2 people that have depression isn't want gets them to the depression diagnosis – it’s the actual diagnosis. IF is exactly like this ... we are all struggling with the same diagnosis, not the same journey. As tough of a message as that was for me, it allowed me to be more open and honest with myself and my feelings, instead of always turning it into bitter and jealousy. I just want some peace in the very painful situation.

First impressions are rough and the Resolve meeting didn't make me feel less sad or meet new like-minded people (like i had hoped it would). Maybe I am at a different place. I am going to go back for one more meeting. I am hoping that people open up (more for some and less for others) and treat it like the real world and seek coping skills it will be fantastic. It's ok that someone else has had a baby - No i have not had a baby, yes i want one with all my heart. But knowing that they got to the other side of the fence provides me hope and encouragement. They can relate to my emotions. They, now that they have crossed over, still can't just decide to have another baby and pee on a stick and see a positive mark. .. It's still very raw for them ..I imagine it's not any easier ... it's like riding a bike i assume. I wish our meeting could have been more zen like - like a shelter from the IF storm. I wish i could have not been so insanely timid and recluse. I did not make a good impression of myself... Gosh - i hate when i do that to myself. I dunno why I clam up - it gets old .....The next meeting is going to be better- I am going to try and meet 1 new person


KarenO said...

Just see it like blogging. Your first post won't get loads of comments on the first day you posted it if you're new in the neighbourhood. The more you reach out to other bloggers the more friends you make - it's really strange to compare blogging to real life and not the other way around! Most of the other women probably feels exactly the same as you do after the meeting. :) Next time it will go better!

Princess Peach said...

No worries...your next meeting will be better. The very issue of secondary infertility has been bothering me as I read blogs suggesting that my infertility is is less painful because I already have a child.

I was a little upset by this yesterday because I didn't think this was a contest. I started a blog and deleted it because it was very negative and I didn't want to offend anyone.

Bottomline is that we all have the same goal: having healthy babies. We all have the same struggle: infertility. And our journeys are all different. Therefore, we should all support one another. I'll get off my soap box - sorry for the long post.

Wishing you the best!

Leah said...

Good for you for going, hopefully it does get better and more fulfulling as you attend more meetings.

Secondary infertility sucks pond scum. Especially when it's preceeded by primary infertility. There's no doubt that having my daughter makes it a little easier this time around, but let's make sure we put emphasis on the "little easier" part of that statement. It sucked the first time, it sucks worse the 2nd (thanks to 2 miscarriages and progressively more aggressive treatments).

The bottom line is that we want another child. And we can't have one. It's not like having 1 already magically fills up the gaping, vast emptiness we feel inside when longing for a new child. The hole is still there, big and black and empty as ever.

I'm very glad that this amazing blogging community is so accepting of secondary infertility people like me. I didn't start a blog for a long time because I was afraid people would discount my anguish and fears simply because I have Megan. Quite the opposite -- as you already know, it's been a never-ending stream of support and love.

Which is what we'll all give to you too.

Courtney said...

Reading this post and all of the related comments makes me quite happy that this is a place where people can be honest with their thoughts.

Kudos to you for really examining the struggle and making peace with the all encompassing world of IF and all of those dealing with this issue. You serve as an excellent example to myself and many others...

Diana said...

So glad you went to a meeting and tried it. It sounds like you still got a lot out of it. I hope you meet someone new next time!

Pamela Jeanne said...

Your post is very topical. Ann has a similar thread today: http://theunlucky20percent.blogspot

At the risk of looking lazy and unoriginal I'll repeat what I wrote about her post:

When it comes to secondary Infertility, I've had to remind myself on a regular basis that there's nothing to be gained by comparing who has more reason to claim pain or suffering than another. In the end, it's all suffering.

I'm sure you'll feel more comfortable in the next session. This is not an easy subject to open up about with new people face to face...

Stacy said...

I was just thinking about secondary infertility yesterday and was going to post on my blog but I know it would my views would be offensive. Now that I have a son after 5 years of IF with 4 IUI's, 2 IVF's, 1 MC it's not a heart wrenching desire to have a second. I would love to have a second kid but if it doesn't happen I would be okay with that. Knowing that I have him makes it so much less painful. Before I had him I thought that 2ndary IF was just as painful as pimary but now I don't. Sorry, I know that's offensive to some but I am talking about secondary as it aplies to me!! I think it's that the desire is less and the deisre is less because I have my son. I know that for many the desire remains as intense to ahve the second child as it did for the first. Like someone posted above it's not about comparing pain.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry....but can anyone tell me how I can find a RESOLVE meeting in my area? I cant find anything about about it online