Saturday, June 30, 2007

For A Good Cause

I Cut my hair . (read:I cut 10 1/2 inches off for a good cause) . I was watching What not to Wear and got inspired to make the leap. I had planed to cut it soon. I just thought I would wait for this cycle to end. I was thinking if the Cl.omid actually works won't I have a reason to celebrate with a new cute hair cut and on the flip side If the doesn't work, won't this be a great way to cheer myself up. Then I decided that it seems like i let everything revolve around my cycles and treatments and I wanted this to be a fun experience, just for the heck of it. So i went today. Had a blast. Met a new hair stylist who actually, odd enough, is the daughter -in -law to my stylist I had in high school AND her husband works with my husband. ( YES i live in a small small town) dun dun dunnnnnnnn the unveiling: (sorry its a blurry self portrait):
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This is how much she cut off:
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Friday, June 29, 2007

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Days 4 and 5

Still holdin' out on being pretty mellow. Those that know me in real life, I will wait for you to pick yourself off the floor because you KNOW that I am nothing but mellow ever. Weird I tell ya. So its day CD9. Last day for the pills and first day my CBE Monitor FINALLY asked for a stick. I thought the damn thing was broken. I thought i bought a box of OTC OPK's but i cannot find them anywhere. So i am heading to the store tonight to buy some of those too. Yes, I am OCD when it comes to POAS looking for the Big-O. I do not Ovulate often (thus my IF suffrage and PCOS). I find reason to celebrate when I get a positive OPK - but I also don't beleive it either because of PCOS (false readings or no readings). I am experiencing alot of bloating in my mid section and still that weird, wet, thick gross-ness i spoke of the other day. I should also mention that my Chesticles are KILLING ME. They are like that Shakira song: Whenever, Wherever: " Lucky that my breasts are small and humble,So you don't confuse them with mountains". Today they could be confused with mountains, they are not only sensitive, they hurt like a mofo!!! I guess in all actuallity, I will take the hurting boobies over the irrational mood, jagged crying, fits I had last time.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Day 2 and 3 Recap

Apparently blogger doesn't see why it is necessary to password protect a certain blog entry. Should have done a lil research, I could have used a different service. Also, I am a proud new member of Resolve. Yah me, I am so very excited about our first meeting in the Tampa Bay Area.
Anyhoo: Clo.mid Kick-Off #4 is very mellow. Uneventful, less stressful. I had more anxiety Friday and Saturday before I started Clo.mid then I have had taking WEIRD but I will embrace it because I was a Raging Sad, miserable lunatic last time.
In a more TMI kind of IF note- Someone mentioned Muce.nix with Clomid?? What days are you supposed to take that. I think I could really benefit from that to say the least. I am experiencing something VERY strangly wet and thick .... ????!!!?!?!
Thank you once again to all the WONDERFUL people behind the Braces Bunch. I received such great encouraging, loving cards from you again the l;ast couple weeks. I don't know what I would do w/o y'all. You guys are truly a blessing.
I Will Be a Mom sent me scripture card that includes my absolute favorite Bible verse. This bible verse has popped up numerous times in my life from many different people of all walks of life. I have held onto these words since I was a little girl sitting on my grandfathers lap. My grandfather is the person that introduced me to the verse way back when I was a wee tot. Seeing it come on a card from far away from a person that doesn't really know my in RL but supports me regardless is more apparent that there is a Plan and a God that listens and loves people. It touched my soul. (I have goosebumps, butterflies in my tummy, chills and a tear- stained face - it really has stirred my soul- such an incredible blessing. I will be a Mom, WOW, thank you ;) The verse is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I share this as a Pass it on/Pay it Forward. I hope this verse encourages all who read it - 1/2 as much as it has impacted my life

Monday, June 25, 2007

help & clomid #4 day 1

can anyone using blogger - point me in the right direction for password protecting a post?

yesterday was day 1 of clomid. It took all of 1.5 hours to give me a MAJOR "wanna ripe my clothes off" hot flash. And if I was home, I totally would have done it ....
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(imagine Dr. Robert Banner becoming The Hulk). The Florida humidity probably didn't help the situation much either. So it might not be all Clom.ids fault but I can still blame it all on it!

Friday, June 22, 2007

Um,,,, I'm alil shocked ..

What's My Blog Rated? From Mingle2 - Online Dating

Mingle2 - Online Dating

I tend to be ALOT more NOT Rated G in reallife ..... hum

We have a plan ... I'ver heard that before

I called The Vampryic Institute. I was worried that they would have forgetton who I was and what the Dr said we were going to do. It's been 3 months since I had seen anyone in his office. He was under the impression that I was going to start Cl.omid that month ... E and I talked it over and decided to wait. Yesterday A.M. I called and left a message with the receptionist that we were ready to start our first month of Clo.mid and I needed to make my appointments. She called me back within 4 hours. I consider that a lucky sign. SO, everyone knows the Clo.mid drill. I am taking 150 mg on CD 5-9 ( June 24-28) ( along with my Metformin) then prescribed(insert romantic) baby makin' CD12, 14, 16, 18, 20. Then I go to the Dr to see if I ovulated on July 9th. I warned them that my cycles have been 36-40 days but she didn't seem to think that a CD21 progestrone test was too soon .. I'm still not convinced ..w'ell see....
Wish me luck I was up WAY too late last night doing the last minute crafts for this baby shower.. IT is NEVER a good idea to substitute royal icing for elmers glue .or vice versa. I thought it would be such a Fabulous idea to make lifesaver pacifers. It was a weak moment I guess. They are a giant PITA!! (but o' so cute)

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

to pee or not to pee that is the question ...

OK Its CD40 - MOST of my periods have been 36-40 days ever since Jan 07. My boobs have been "sore" and get sore - er at night .. i am holding out. I have a baby shower on saturday that I have had to plan (with emotional difficults at times) for my friend .. I am hoping that by Sunday I will be ready to POAS.
I typed the above message at o'dark thirty this morning and then had to walk away from my computer. I am back to posting and it is no longer CD40 ..Yep, you guessed it ... It is CD1 .. I totally jinxed myself .. I had happy thoughts of POAS and seeing bright postive plus signs or flashing "pregnant" displays ! I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad. Of course I am. BUT if my boobs were sore, it should mean that my hormone lvls changed and I can assume I ovulated. Anyone knows that a person with PCOS has difficulty ovulating on their own. I feel like the diet, exercise (ok just alil exercise), and metformin have actually made a difference in my body. My cycles have been long but consistantly long .... I feel like this is positive steps in the right direction. OK Clo.mid .. bring it ON !!! I embrace the Crazy and hotflash raging beotch you made me last time ! This cycle is going to be good and hopefully i will just be a hotflash'n beotch and leave off the side of crazy!! Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Here's a good luck Charm (or a map for the swimmers) for all of us starting a new cycle of Meds.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Farah Needs

  1. needs another brazilian - (WHOA- never had 1 actually - thought about it)
  2. needs a good paying fun job! - ( WAY TOOO TRUE)
  3. needs to talk with a keen

I could only do 4 because I have a weird name and apparently there is a Joseph Farah who is a writer and apparently he pisses people off - so most of the Farah needs was something negative about his writing abilities.

Monday, June 18, 2007

What I do after a post like yesterday

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That's right - a pedicure !! It felt very nice to just sit in a massaging chair and read for 40 mins !

Resolve must have heard my prayers and screams because they are FINALLY starting a group in Tampa in July. Here is the information:
Tampa, FL Peer-Led Support Group meets the second Wednesday of every month from 7PM-9PM beginning July 11. The July meeting will feature Kathy Foundatin, MS, LMHC, on the topic of "Coping with the stress of infertility." For more information or to RSVP, please call 727.612.0573.

THIS IS FABULOUS NEWS. It also just may have saved me $650 because I contacted the leader a few months ago (before i started this blog) and she and another woman lead a mind/body group for infertile couples but my husband and I figured that $650 was alittle out of our price range for therapy. So that is why I started the blog in the first place - to save my sanity and $650 for actual treatments instead eof group therapy.

I also saw that Teamwinks is starting a up a Resolve group in Huntsville, Alabama. Here is that information: The Huntsville, AL Peer-Led Support Group meets the third Wednesday of every month at 6PM to discuss topics on general infertility. For more information or to RSVP, please contact Becky at

THANK YOU!! Thank you very much for the kind and generous comments left on my blog today. I didn't realize that it was the first day for the Commentathon and slightly embarrassed that was a first post for some of you to read. I hope it doesn't run you off. I promise, there is a lot of fun had too. It was very nice tosee all the comments on my blog, I love meeting/reading about new people! Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

CHEERS to getting to new new names/blogs

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Raw Guilt

I had/am having a very difficult weekend. Alot of stuff I do not feel available to share mostly because of not wanting to hurt feelings of people that know me in human form that may be lurking around my blog that I deal with on a daily/semi-daily basis. A few of my friends know that I blog but I didn't purposely give them the address. They know that I read blogs and communicate/email/comment to people via the internet and they aren't real supportive (& probably judgemental when I am not in the room).
If you get to know me and allow me to be myself, I am a very open (and sometimes a TMI) kind of person. I love easily, I trust easily, I am very passionate, I want to help everyone. If I learn something I want to share it with anyone that will let me. I consider myself a strong person with a free spirit. I try not to let life get me down. I like to look on the bright side. I try not to "pretend to be happy" but genuinely be happy. But with every miscarriage I have experienced and all the failed months of medicated TTC or DIY TTC over the last 5 years, I find myself much like a turtle. Hiding in my own shell. Drawing myself up tighter and with more tension. I know that I don't have to tell you that I absolutely HATE this feeling. My weekend was pretty much bloody miserable - which brought out these infertility feelings with avengance.

Friday Night - we went to dinner , like most Friday nights, with a couple that we are very close to. (if you follow my blog- its the girl that got pregnant the same time my last clomid cycle failed on me) She is 27ish weeks pregnant ( approx.) I had a hard time with it at first but decided that I just needed to let it go because it was killing me and eating me from the inside out and It just wasn't worth it. Another couple joined us and they have a 1 yr old. So lots of baby talk - but they both know that we are having a hard time and respect my feelings and I feel like my infertile situation always censors the conversations because they do not want to offend me. I am eternally grateful for this EXCEPT, i feel 1000000% guilt from this. I do not wish to ALWAYS be the Debbie Downer in the group. As much as I wish I could, I do not feel like I can escape from the whole baby talk scene because all my friends have or are having kids and If I want to just escape baby talk, I feel as if I would have to end/escape all current friendships and as much as I would like to at times, that just me being Turtle Like AGAIN and truly irrational and selfish because My friends are as supportive as they can be.

One of the girls' husband said that he had a dream that we had a baby. I laughed it off because my other choice was crying at in public, I try not to choose that option. My husband and I talked about this on Saturday and he said that his first reaction was to ask him: "do you know how we got pregnant in the dream?" ......He wanted to know this because we are on the cusp of choosing our treatment route next month if AF does show up. Clomid again or Injectibles ...

I say all of this to kind of add to My Reality's post. I ,too, feel stuck, trapped, smothered: Mainly with Guilt. I feel as if I defied my body. I gave myself PCOS. Some how, as If, I deserve this. I feel guilt for coveting other peoples babies/children. Guilty for feeling mad, bitter, angry,resentful at friends (or anyone) who got pregant easily. Guilty for not being able to provide E with a family. Guilty for not fulfilling the family with a neice/nephew, grandchild(ren). Guilty for spending money on other peoples children or spending money on anything not a necessity. Guilty for not wanting to plan/attend showers. Guilt for adding "hormonal stress" to our marriage. Guilt from the result of not being a good wife,friend, daughter, sister, employee. ... GUILT of all kind and it tore me down this weekend to a sad wet blob.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Why the Braces Bunch Brightens My Days

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First Off - if you haven't already Run (go now - and return after you read) to
H2H's blog.. (Im soooo excited for you!! congrats)

Thank you - all of you- that sent me such warm and encouraging words. They have ment alot to me these past weeks. It has been comforting to come home to personal smail/electronic mail this week to unwind from my work.

These past few weeks have been very rough at work. I work in a field were there is no room for error EVER. As our Chief says, "we have a zero % error rate". And all we have had lately is, yep you guessed it, ERRORS. Lots of them. The kind that start at the top of a hill and pick up speed as the trickle(read- create an avalache) down. At 6:20 pm tonight (WAY PAST My Shift) , I threw up my hands and told my supervisor that I could not help anymore tonight. I will TRY to come in fresh tomorrow and take one thing at a time. I also wish that I could tell you how calmly I have handled all this "lil snafu's" as my supervisor likes to call them.. Calmly HA, Calmly. I am nothing but Calm lately. All tensed up and strung out. If this persists much longer (been a uphill battle since Feb and seems to get better than worse in cycles) I am going to the Dr. to get on some happy pills. AND I'm not even swollowing or injecting extra hormones into my body these past months ....

So needless to say, Its CD 33 and I am still awaiting the wicked AF. I could have stressed her out so much that she is freakin scared to come for a visit. She is afraid that I may go all Ozzie on her and Bite the head off of her ....Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket The "Ole Bat!!

Monday, June 11, 2007

Weekend Update

I accidentially stumbled on a television show that I absolutely LOVE. Its called Footballer's Wive$. It is on the BBC channel and I fancy it !!! It's like Desparate Housewives meets Sex and the City on cable (has a plot with a point and awesome scenery)

They had a marathon last sunday and I got to tape all the episodes in what i think is season 2. (what i think is) Season 3 started wednesday. They seem to be running season 2 also at midnight on saturday nights as well.. I noticed extra recordings on my tiv.o and they were the same episodes. If anyone is looking for good trash tv... I'm your woman (I should be ashamed of myself I know)

I also saw knocked up yesterday. This movie (although a touchy subject for myself, my husband, and everyone reading) was insanely hilarious. Some could veiw it as a little insensitive and insulting - But for the most part, there is FAR more funny involved. And at the end of the 2 hours, It was a movie which provided my alot of laughter on topic that has a tendency to be The White Elephant in any room I seem to be in lately.

I bought 2 books this weekend: Waiting for Daisy and A Few Good Eggs. I cant' wait to finish them. I started with Waiting for Daisy first.
It is CD31 - I guess i have to hold out 10 more day gauging on past cycles. They are about 36-45 days long the past couple months. I really thought metformi.n was supposed to regulate them... Maybe its ok for them to be 36-45 days apart !?!?

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Random Factoids about Me

Kelly tagged me so is goes

1. I am almost 31 and can not see scary movies. It totally messes with my head and does something to my soul. (one in my profession would think that I could be tougher than a 4 yr old- but ANY type of Scary (not suspense) is WAY too much for me to handle.

2. I have been wanting a tattoo since I was 16 and have not gotten one yet, but already have the design and spot, just need to get the gumption.

3. My dream job would be to own/operate a bakery/cafe. Where people could come and enjoy baked goods, coffee, good books, and shared times with friends/loved ones.

4. I am blessed with an amazingly loving family. My family has been challenged over the past year + and we are struggling (all in different areas) but are all learning the same lesson. It has allowed us to grow in more ways than I could ever imagine. I am truly grateful for every obstacle that we(I) have jumped through. It is a testament of my(our) faith.

5. I grew up in a very small Greek cultured community. I know there is a ,as we referred to it growing up, "American Easter and a Greek Easter". So we got 2 Easters usually. (i dunno why we aren't greek) BUT, I can pronounce Baklava, Spanakopita, Tzatziki sauce, Gyro, Calamari, etc. with the accent - and I have friends that had to eat their Pet for Greek Easter .................. TRAUMATIZING. They taught us the greek language in elementary public school

6. I had 2.75 ovaries. I found that out Sept. 06 while doing my Lap. Still to this day totally wigs me out. The Dr removed .75 of an ovary that was blocking (read-inside the opening of my)right Fal. Tube. I have pictures! She was SURE that I would be pregnant in no time after that ..... It's June 07 and 4 rounds of clomid later with no ovulation

7. I have been to the equator - such an amazing place to visit. I should post pics. In college, I went on a missions trip/vacation all over Equador. I would move there in a moments notice.

8. I never thought I would end up back in the same town I spent years trying to get out of and swore I would never come back ........... never say never

Blog Fun

You Are An ESFP
The Performer
You are a natural performer and happiest when you're entertaining others.A great friend, you are generous, fun-loving and optimistic.You love to laugh - and you like almost all people equally.You accept life as it is, and you do your best to make each day fantastic.
In love, you are a smooth talker and incorrigible flirt.While you get into relationships easily, you don't tend to stick around when times get tough.
At work, you do well in groups. You keep everyone laughing through difficult tasks.You would make a good actor, designer, or counselor.
How you see yourself: Capable, fair, and efficient
When other people don't get you, they see you as: Incompetent, stubborn, and silly

Monday, June 4, 2007

More Pictures as you requested

Favorite Fruit : ( couldn't pick one)
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Yes Another Pet:
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Favorite Pillow ( that I stole from my father-my grandmother, who died way before I was born, made this pillow out of goose feathers and I cherish this pillow greatly)
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Hodge Podge

It's CD 31 ............................................... (long pause)
**edit its cd 24 ( i dunno where my head is ..obviously too frustrated to count, some how i got confused ..easily done in this mood)**
As you see from my previous posts, they are all random, inconsistent, detouring thoughts as I surf through the 2WW. I was aiming for distraction .....I could sit here and write about how I am not getting my hopes up and we are being cautiously pessimistic/optomistic about this DIY cycle, not expecting much ..blah blah blah ... but that's FAR from the truth. I have ALOT of extra emotional ties to this particular cycle. It's a full 3 months on met., I have now lost almost 31 lbs, My eatting habits are extraordinary (they only had room to go up - couldn't get any worse) , I feel much better, I am sleeping 90% of all nights, I haven't wanted to run over any pregnant/fertile women (that I can remember), etc I could probably think of more IF I wasn't so annoyed with myself. I am annoyed that I put too much thought/anticipation/hope into "oh i think my boobs are more tender", "am i going to the bathroom more? or drinking more water?" " I have a headache... huuum wonder if thats a pregnancy headache, should i run out and get some tyle.nol instead of taking"

I guess here is where my rationalization lies: You know that saying from dr's/internet/friends/advice/or whereever else I heard it, "Your body takes 3 months to adjust to meds and any significate changes that alter your bodies intake." ............ welp my 3 months are up and NOW I WANT RESULTS !!! (and by those results, i want my positive BFP and a healthy 9 months and I want it NOW) Why can't I take all the postive changes as results ..... why does a BFP have to be the only result I think is a WIN ....

You see, I am one of THOSE this month ... and THAT is why I am mad at myself. Rationalization is all out the window today .. I need to get a grip, I haven't even gotten a BFN or CD1 to be THIS irrational

In my defense, Yesterday I had an encounter with a childhood friend that I haven't seen in yrs. She was in that store represented by a Bullseye and was happily baby registering. I asked how far along she was ... she had just got her postive pee stick a week ago ..................................... I don't have anything nice to say right now

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Interesting Link.. hope it works

I was reading msn and found this story .. watch after the advertisement

Saturday, June 2, 2007

June 1st in Florida ...let the Crazy begin

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We will be hearing statements such as "hunker down", "Generator sale's", "Bottled Water shortage", "Gas Stations are running out", "ATM's have no $$" .......

I am not making light of any of this ... but It's day 1 and we are already in the B's, the newscasters, weathermen are as giddy as school girls demanding that we stay tuned to weather the storms ...... is this a sign of alot more to come???