Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A Whole New Level

When I found out I was pregnant with 2.0, I was shocked beyond shocked beyond shocked. I did not handle myself as graceful as I would have liked. My thoughts/emotions were all over the place. Rocked to the Core. Mad, Sad, Happy, Shocked, excited, scared ... Mostly Scared ... Scared of losing friends, Scared of losing the baby, scared of what would happen to MT, scared of how I would provide for another body, Scared of how will I care for a newborn and a toddler if this pregnancy makes it .... I was scared and tired.
When I gave birth to MT, I told myself that I needed to step up and move on. Remember being pregnant but not expect it to ever happen again. In my mind, I wanted myself to mourn the thoughts of adding to our family.In the hospital, right after his delivery, I had talked to E about mentally preparing myself for never being pregnant again. I was trying to work through all those feelings/desires/dreams. I had MT and I made deals about "if only's" and I was ready to cash in my part of the deal because MT arrived safely,happily and healthy. This is what I asked for .. he was here and I was ready to own up to all those promises and deals I had offered up to the Universe. I was trying to make good on my request or deal per se.

Also, MT was 7 month's old and starting to be mobile and teething, OH the teething .. and the sleepless nights and the adjustment from no babies to 1 baby and learning to lose my selfishness and trying to find time to be that wife/house keeper, daughter, sister I used to be.... Then We found out. I panicked. I FREAKED OUT. I had no idea how to be honest with myself or anyone at that matter. I was Torn up over this. Basically ALL based on Fear. Fear is MEAN and gripping.

Getting pregnant, while breastfeeding, after yrs of infertility was humbling. Frightening, Exciting, Moving, Unsure of where I fit in, Where it meant I fit in ..Etc. I felt like I was going to be "kicked out of the club" .. And to some, I have been kicked out.. That's what makes the world go round. Everyone feels differently about this stuff and I am ok with that.

I say all of this because - Here I am, in a weird predicament Again. Birth Control. Do I need it? Do I want it? What if this is my chance to get pregnant again? What if I don't take measures to prevent it, Will I expect to get pregnant again? What If I do not get pregnant again and we do not prevent it? What if we prevent it and I do not get pregnant after we decided to try again? What if we try to prevent it and we get pregnant anyway? It's flirtatious. A tease. A Taunt. It takes your mind to questions that I NEVER thought I would have to ask/answer. And if I try to avoid my mind, People will ask: "Do you want more kids?" You going for that "girl"? "You need to try for a girl!" "Oh, You need a few more".

So here I am, Trying to ignore these thoughts. Appointment made Friday for an IUD because it is my only option for BC that my dr will give me.

Friday, March 5, 2010


and since i am a terrible blogger - I will sprinkle you with a few phone pics:




Can you Hear it?

Today is a good day - I have it all together, I've had a shower (by myself), My kids slept in late (because we are just getting over Both of them having RSV again and 2.0 adding an ear infection to boot) BUT life is great. I feel rested and put together. What a huge difference it makes. I need to try to have more mornings like this.

I have a question - Intenets, PLEASE HALP!... My ears are ringing from MT;s new found favorite Olympic Sport. Screaming .. Skin Crawling, blood curdling, Ear Percing Screaming. What you didn't know it's an Olympic sport? Tell that to my Child. He is practicing and practicing to perfect it. I am afraid there isn't much more perfecting it I can take. Here I admit it, At first, I yelled back at himto stop yelling ..Fabulous Mothering style right.... I mean I can't imagine Why he continues yelling when his own Mother yells at him to stop yelling .... OY VEY! Parenting Fail 101. I certainly can teach that course. So now, after a few weeks of loosing my mind and trying to ignore it, I have variations of routes I have gone about getting him to stop. BUT NONE are working. Of course, I have stopped yelling (99.9% of the time but there is still .1% of the time that I just loose my cool and yell) I have tried to calming explain that mommie was wrong for yelling and yelling aka screaming is not nice nor a behavior that is acceptable or will be tolerated or will help you get your way in this house.

I mostly try my very best to ignore it because, I have found that ignored behavior for him works best. BUT I can't always just ignore it because he is waking the baby. Yes he is that LOUD. Some times I think he does it to wake the baby - which I have tried to explain to him that it is not beneficial for him to wake the baby it takes away mommie/mt time .....

Any suggestions? What would you do

Monday, March 1, 2010

Giving Her Publicity, Like She wants

I can't even articulate my feelings for this story - but I wanted to share it.