Thursday, September 22, 2011

Ripple Effect

 The Ripple Effect.

The other day, I had a conversation that reminded me of the Ripple Effect. I am stuck in a situation that seems to have effected every aspect of my life and seems like it may linger around for a while longer.  You would think that I am referring to Infertility.  Because we all know the ripple effect that is caused by IF, but actually I am not kicking IF in the shins for this one. Also, You would think that IF would have prepared me a bit better in handling the Ripple Effect, but apparently I am a slow learner.

My housing situation.  When the news broke that things were not going to work out to where we would be able to stay where we were renting, the timing could not have been worse.  It was a week before my oldest birthday party, the party was going to be at the house.  It was the week my husband worked 5 -12 hour days, and it was only 4 days until our lease was up and We would have to be completely out of the location. 

I was trying to figure out How in the world I was going to pack an entire house and continue to take care of 2 toddlers.  I was heartsick. AND I needed help.  I do not ask for help. I don't know How to ask for help.  I also don't know Who to ask for help from. Then a thought sparked and a ripple began.  I remembered that I was offered help.  A family friend extended her help over and over and I never understood what she was offering, Until THAT moment.  

My landlord and I attend the same church and apparently there were people aware that this event was going to take place - They did not Know to what extend but they Knew something was going to happen.  THIS is why my friend kept extending herself to me.  I sat in her living room and I sobbed while explaining what was going on and how I needed help packing up and how vulnerable and violated I felt.  We were wronged for No real reason.  I have a insecurity to being wronged.  It turns me to a blubbering mess.   She extended help to me and she brought help.  The next day, 4 of the most beautiful, kindhearted women showed up on my doorstep and we cleaned out, de-cluttered and packed up room after room. One of those moments you remember in time forever.  This act of kindness and generosity that was extended to me, jump started my heart.  They stayed with me until the move was done.  They are still trying to help us find a place to rent or buy and help us figure out what it is that we are supposed to be doing to move forward

This act put a few other things in motion:  It gave me the push we needed to try to get approved to buy a house* that I thought would be ours (which right now is not looking so hot for now, But will eventually work out), It also helped me decide to take over our MOPS group at church.  It gave me women to call for when I need motherly advice (which is what I longed for).  It brought me closer to understanding what a Church/Community is for.  It gave me a chance to understand that people are not perfect, can make mistake and can still be used for good.  This lesson was the one that allowed me to see that I was capable to lead a MOPS group, this most.  I was under the interpretation that there were perfect people running on the planet and only THOSE people were capable of leading a Bible Study. Not me.  Who knew.

Parenting.  The learning curve.  Oh 3 yr old tantrums.  They are bizarre.  a few days ago, a light bulb came on and now I and trying to be an alkaline in our 3 yr old tantrums acidity.  We tend to walk on eggshells around these parts wondering what will set the beast off.  And Once the beast ( the 3 rd old tantrums - NOT the 3 yr old) is in effect and going strong - how do we dilute it?!  It's been a good 3/4 months of watching these tantrums erupt and explode because I did not handle myself better.  And in this case, I may be late to this discovery but it is better late than never.  It may mean that we will all survive this less than fun phase.  

Friending. (a word brought on by social media) I am learning that much of life is quite simple and really does boil down to treat people with respect.  You never know what or who your actions will effect negatively or positively.  Sometimes it's by keeping your mouth closed and other times it's by opening your mouth and simply stating a simply hello.  We have opportunities every day to make a difference in the ripple effect.  It's a part of life.  I hope that am able to make more of a difference for the good. I am trying to watch what I say, how i say it and to whom I say it to.  Words hurt people, Feelings get hurt.  I have been a victim and the culprit.  I know that I cannot protect everyone  but I can be aware and compassionate and apologize when I need to.

It seems I am fighting through the current of all these intertwined ripple effects. I wish that I could just embrace and learn to continue on with my life while waiting for the ripples to settle down. I mean that IS what life is about right?  I have not come anywhere close to figuring out how to move forward AND wait ... It seems like a contradiction to me. But, Apparently, It isn't. It's Life.  That's.The.Point.  It's the journey.  

But, Honestly, This is what I suck at. The In between. I guess that sounds like I suck at life.  Which I know is not true, BUT MAN, I really do not like like limbos, and transitions, and waiting, and fighting to survive, and wondering when I will arrive on Easy Street.  I fantasize about life on Easy Street. I know that there is no such address but some days just less to deal with would feel like I am a few blocks closer to Easy Street. And that would give me a break for a bit.  I would really just Love a freakin' break.  It will happen.  I am told, It will happen.   And I know they are right.  It Will. That is what I need to remember.  Be patience, wait, display grace, Live Life Regardless.  Keep Calm and Carry on. That IS the point. Wonder how many more times in life I will have to revisit this lesson before it finally sinks in and I become gracious from it?

*the family friend that helped organize our move, just called me today to tell me that her son is going to try and buy the house that I want - but since we can't get our financing squared away, He heard me talking about it, went and saw it and now is in the works to buy it.  BLAH

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

What I meant

 My last post was supposed to be about how I suck at waiting. But instead it was sideswiped by "poor me" dribble.  This really bothers me that I somehow got railroaded by myself(or emotions) and went on blubbering instead of  staying on point about My Lack of patience.  This may very well be a 35 yr old temper tantrum - and it indeed does demonstrated how poorly I do Wait .... 

I majorly suck at waiting. That is all

Sunday, September 4, 2011


I stumbled upon a Dad blog the other night and sat in front of my computer screen reading and laughing while tears stream down my face.  (another funny post of his) Yes.  Someone that can take the horror and chaos  surrounding my life because of my 22 mon old sound like a stand up routine.  It made me feel good.  I enjoy a dose of perspective.  I always wish I was able to be this funny.

Oh, the 22 month old, He is at that "I do not now what I what but you should be able to read between the lines and make me Happy" all while keeping balance on the happy family/happy life scale. If you get the response wrong  - he throws things and shrieks* until he forgets what he want/thought he needed and moves on.  I have been (not always) Patiently trying to correct this response and teach him how to communicate with us.  and shall I even mention teething... Yes  More Teething.  Still Teething.  Still.  (he has less than favorable reactions to all tylenol/advil/motrin so giving him meds only makes the vicious cycle more vicious) We all just need sleep.  Sleep would help

*Oh the throwing and shrieking - things that my mother say are triggering her into panic attacks and crying spells causing her too much anxiety.

I also have been (not always) patiently waiting on our credit to get fixed,  We are at a point where nothing short of a miracle, substantial amounts of money and time will help. 

E got news that their most likely will be more of a promotion in his near future.  But there are hoops to jump through.  And we have to wait til next year.  As it is a timely process and he has not even begun the process and can't until 2012.  

Common Denominators - Patience.- the thing I am running out of. and  Time - 2012, I need you to hurry up because it looks like we will carry out this suck until you arrive.

A good friend reminded me the other day that praying for patience is diabolical - because just as sure as you pray for those, you get more opportunities to practice your already used up supply of patience.  2011 is proving this to be extremely true.     

All of this waiting and practicing patience has gotten my body is some weird stress place. Last month is was my mouth (and bank account) - I broke a tooth and a few other weird stuff happened.  But Right now, my eyes (and bank account) are suffering.  2 months ago, my left eye started twitching. And It hasn't stopped.  Last week, I noticed not only is it twitching but there is a lump underneath the eyelid.  2 days ago, My right eye now has this weird lump under the eyelid and the one on the right eye is obstructing my vision.  Our Vision insurance coverage starts in October, So I may have to go to a General Practitioner if it goes worse.  I hate to even type "worse" like it's tempting fate to "bring it on" .....  and that is NOT at all what I am doing. I am no longer in Fight mode.  I have fought all I can and I am weary.  Therefore, I am entering Flight mode