First Off - THANK YOU so much for the wonderful birthday wishes. I had such a great time out to dinner 2 nights in a row. It's really been fantastic. On to more serious business:

Well many of you have asked: I pee on a stick Jul 20th. That is 14 dpo. (a day before my mothers bday) I should tell you that I am terrified beyond words. Seriously, I think I just found a new phobia - POASaphobia - First off, I should mention that I am freaked out and completely tortured by those damn sticks. I really really, really despise them. It's like a very sick Chinese water torture device for me. They have been nothing but trouble for me. I do not understand how you women that pee on them regularly have the strength - I'm envious. I just can not bring myself to do that. If I am absolutely ordered by a dr - then I do it unwilling and usually crying. I have gotten 1 bfp is my lifetime (2002) from a stick only to go running to the DR office the very next day for the Dr to look at me like I have 2 or 3 heads. "Honey, your hcg lvl is a (insert insanely low number here), how many days ago was your period?" NEVER a good question especially if your last period was 2 months ago. I was exposed to this lil thing called chemical pregnancy and the word viable and ALOT of crap that comes along for the ride when you first learn that sex + positive pregnancy test does not always = healthy baby in 9 months. My next experience was "crap, I'm 3 weeks late, I should take a test (yea I was a slow learner with all of this ------ actually I wasn't a slow learner, as much as a slow acceptor) .... bfn, and lots more bfn's to follow. Then came alot of stress, weight and depression. Next, I was at work and I had missed my period, but at that point, what's the point on peeing on sticks, they are always negative and make AF slow up minutes upon peeing on them. I started bleeding REALLY bad and heavy and all over the place quite messy, my friend drove me to the ER (2005) and sure enough - another Chemical pregnancy - YES i was still young and completely foolish and at fault for not taking my health more seriously. I was still new and young and naive about all of the world of Infertility. I Should be ashamed of myself for admitting all of this, but I was under the impression that God knew what he was doing and I just had to trust more or have more faith or some how I made God mad at me.. yes once again .. young, foolish, stupid ... I have come ALONG way from that girl(even though its not that far back). Which brings us to present time and there you have it... I'm a COWARD.... I can not stand the thought of even seeing a pregnancy test. The mere thought of only seeing one line ...... It does something terrible to my soul (as many of you can relate). I was/am that person who would rather not know and still have hope, than to know and have no hope. This type of attitude has gotten me in bad situations (as you can tell from the above statements). Regardless, Dr's orders, I have to just DO IT. Many people are POAS-aholics, why do I always have to be difficult???? My father has always told me that I make things So much harder on myself than I should.. Is that a genetic trait..can I at least blame that on family genetics?? Pllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaase ...Well, the day is approaching soon, and I ask that you pray, do a chicken dance, or whatever thing you do for strength. Because I desperately need it. I want to have the courage and strength to pull thru and pee on that stick. It's really embarrassing to admit that this is quite debilitating for me. (please do not think that I do not want to be pregnant - I do ..i really do- I just need to put on my big girl panties and deal)