I just wanted to say Thank you BUNCHES for all the supporting comments/emails today - I am sorry If I missed something on any of your blogs today. I wasn't on the Internet much. (and my bloglines is doing something very screwy- anyone else experiencing blogs saying an obscene amount of new entries for some people?)
I took the day off from work since we are starting to move this weekend. (sign the new lease tomorrow) I figured I would get some packing done and just try to lay low. I called my Dr's Office to let them know the results and see what to do now. I actually called to get an appointment for Monday because if no AF, they are going to see me and do something about it. But of course, they insist AF is around the corner and I just need to be more patient.. HA PATIENCE ... I freakin' waited 2 weeks .. Bare with me as I go through the emotions - I know watching this process is cruel and unkind.
I tell ya, I peed on the stick all by myself this morning (ya I know your thinking, who else could have possibly peed on the stick with you) Originally E was going to hold my hand - but he was asleep and I had to pee really bad at 6 am - so I didn't disturb him - until only 1 line came up. I felt strong peeing on that stick. I felt courageous- facing my giants(or fears) or whatever. I just sled back in bed and told him - "only 1 line, lets go back to sleep". I was not eternally sad right then. Yes it hit me, Not Pregnant ......Uuuuuuuuuuugh, but I really think I just shrugged my shoulders. What else can I say? Can I tell you what broke my heart into pieces? The awful, sad, look on E's face when we finally did decide to join the rest of the world at a bright o'le 11 am. This took my breath away WAY more than just seeing one line - E CRIED! First time ever (well about IF cycles). Let me tell you, I know that alot of times, I would get mad at him because he appeared to be so emotionless about the whole topic/failed cycles/discussions and I would get so incredibly frustrated and cry, yell and rant about how he has no feelings invested into this ..blah blah blah. Well Today, I would have giving a trillion dollars to have that fight all over again because this time it melted my soul to a degree that may never fully recover from. THAT made me hurt!! I begged of him to "cheer up, least I ovulated, there is always next month, look at the bright side, {insert cheery encouragement phrase here}. I am SUCH the cheerleader - it's not for my own good at times. Inside I died alittle seeing that .. .... After that, we got ready and went to my favorite lunch spot. Tomorrow we will be having my favorite coffeeshop and a treat from my favorite ice cream shop. The 10 lbs I lost this month will probably be put back on in one weekend - FOR SHAME- but on Monday, I will put on my big girl panties and deal - I am taking this weekend to be selfish and pitiful! And I'm just fine with that. I was in the shower today and I actually think I cried for 30 seconds. I keep wondering in my head: Is this a good thing that I am sort of OK with this all and deep down I expected this, or is it a bad thing that I am sort of OK with this all and deep down I expected this??? Should I be a big pile of flesh, faced down sobbing my eyes out? Should I at least shed more than 1 tear from each eye? Have I gotten that used to {this} feeling? Is that normal? Gosh, does everyone else talk to themselves? Am I emotionally unattached now? Am I dealing with this or denying how I feel? What is God trying to teach me? Is God trying to teach me? Am I just not listening? What am I doing wrong? Am I doing anythng wrong? Is it time to be more aggressive? Is clomid not going to work for me? If I ovulated and I KNOW we "timed" it right, what else is wrong? Is there something else wrong? Do I think it's possible for my DR to get me to ovulate again next cycle? I need alcohol?! Yes, I think SO! Turn brain off now ..
I assume this is All normal and copacetic ... Wishing all the rest of the 2WW'ers Lots of luck and blessings. Thank you once again for every one's kind thoughts/comments/prayers/chicken dances/emails... We will rinse and repeat next cycle
First Off - THANK YOU so much for the wonderful birthday wishes. I had such a great time out to dinner 2 nights in a row. It's really been fantastic. On to more serious business:Well many of you have asked: I pee on a stick Jul 20th. That is 14 dpo. (a day before my mothers bday) I should tell you that I am terrified beyond words. Seriously, I think I just found a new phobia - POASaphobia - 
First off, I should mention that I am freaked out and completely tortured by those damn sticks. I really really, really despise them. It's like a very sick Chinese water torture device for me. They have been nothing but trouble for me. I do not understand how you women that pee on them regularly have the strength - I'm envious. I just can not bring myself to do that. If I am absolutely ordered by a dr - then I do it unwilling and usually crying. I have gotten 1 bfp is my lifetime (2002) from a stick only to go running to the DR office the very next day for the Dr to look at me like I have 2 or 3 heads. "Honey, your hcg lvl is a (insert insanely low number here), how many days ago was your period?" NEVER a good question especially if your last period was 2 months ago. I was exposed to this lil thing called chemical pregnancy and the word viable and ALOT of crap that comes along for the ride when you first learn that sex + positive pregnancy test does not always = healthy baby in 9 months. My next experience was "crap, I'm 3 weeks late, I should take a test (yea I was a slow learner with all of this ------ actually I wasn't a slow learner, as much as a slow acceptor) .... bfn, and lots more bfn's to follow. Then came alot of stress, weight and depression. Next, I was at work and I had missed my period, but at that point, what's the point on peeing on sticks, they are always negative and make AF slow up minutes upon peeing on them. I started bleeding REALLY bad and heavy and all over the place quite messy, my friend drove me to the ER (2005) and sure enough - another Chemical pregnancy - YES i was still young and completely foolish and at fault for not taking my health more seriously. I was still new and young and naive about all of the world of Infertility. I Should be ashamed of myself for admitting all of this, but I was under the impression that God knew what he was doing and I just had to trust more or have more faith or some how I made God mad at me.. yes once again .. young, foolish, stupid ... I have come ALONG way from that girl(even though its not that far back). Which brings us to present time and there you have it... I'm a COWARD.... I can not stand the thought of even seeing a pregnancy test. The mere thought of only seeing one line ...... It does something terrible to my soul (as many of you can relate). I was/am that person who would rather not know and still have hope, than to know and have no hope. This type of attitude has gotten me in bad situations (as you can tell from the above statements). Regardless, Dr's orders, I have to just DO IT. Many people are POAS-aholics, why do I always have to be difficult???? My father has always told me that I make things So much harder on myself than I should.. Is that a genetic trait..can I at least blame that on family genetics?? Pllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaase ...Well, the day is approaching soon, and I ask that you pray, do a chicken dance, or whatever thing you do for strength. Because I desperately need it. I want to have the courage and strength to pull thru and pee on that stick. It's really embarrassing to admit that this is quite debilitating for me. (please do not think that I do not want to be pregnant - I do ..i really do- I just need to put on my big girl panties and deal)
