Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Not a Consolation Prize

*there has been some changes on my sidebar - moving bloggers around because we have had a outpouring of BFP's lately -and that is super fantastic. I also changed my name to fertilize me - since that is what i am ultimately seeking and added a picture - when i chose inconceivable I didn't realize that it was going to show everytime i posted - all new to this a such and i had just finished reading inconceivable by Julia Indichova and was feeling inspired*

Believe it or not, Below is the post I originally starting writing yesterday that ended up on a totally different topic than it was supposed to.
My husband and I did something last night (now Monday night) that we have discussed at great lengths even before we were married. I have always wanted to look into this more, just didn’t know that I would be doing so under these circumstances. We went to a Foster/Adoption Orientation for the state. I signed us up for one a few days after
this Dr.’s appointment. (PLEASE, PLEASE , PLEASE, do not think that this is going to be a “just adopt” info-mercial, its quite the contrary)* i hope not to offend anyone

My husband was very reluctant to go because he was worried that I was feeling that this was my consolation prize. After we discussed this topic at great lengths the past few weeks, I think we both have a better understanding on where each of us stand on the issue and where our concerns lie. I re-assured Him that this not fulfilling a void completely, I do not think adopting and or fostering can fill the longing to be pregnant (I admit that I could be naïve about that?!?!) I also do not think that Infertility will inhibit my ability to love, care, provide for a child(s) in need that is biologically not mine. I do not think it will clout my basic ability to be a parent. (I also admit that this statement may also be naïve but I place pregnancy and parenting in 2 different categories in my head – more on this topic at a MUCH later time). I told Eric that I look at it as a win-win situation. If we go this route, I get to provide shelter and protection for a child(s) in need, and I learn about the child(s) and their needs and my ability to parent and the child(s) gets to be sheltered and protected and have needs met.

Just like fertility treatments, this is not an instantaneous gratification kind of event. It has pros and and it has cons. It has a possibility of being something great and a possibility of failing miserably. It takes alot of time, patience and mounds/forests of paperwork. We will be filling out paperwork upon paperwork, go to classes, trainings, seminars, have a home study, and questioned beyond belief. *funny part is I had to fill out paperwork in order to get the paperwork to fill out to request my interest in the program - HOW inefficient is that??*

After all of the requirements are met, we may decide that this is not the avenue in which we wish to pursue. We may decide that we want to adopt from elsewhere or not at all. We may decide that we want to foster and not worry with adoption at this time. We found out yesterday, to my sadness, that there is no more foster to adopt program (which is what we went into the oreintation wanting). You either foster, or adopt and the plan that you chose determines your training and paperwork, there isn't (as of now) a crossover from either program. This means if we chose foster, it will (most likely - 95%) be very temporary. If we chose adoption, it means that while we are going through training and paperwork, someone else will be fostering and growing a bond with the child(s) that will be placed in our home for adoption. The child(s) with not have any real contact or overnight contact in our house until after the adoption is finalized. That just seems incredible wrong to me. I will be taking the child(s) out of that home from a person who has been caring for them for however long it takes us to finalize the adoption. (like 10-12 monthish after training and lots of paperwork and court dates). So right now, neither choices are ideal to me. I preferred the foster to adopt program they had, but now this is not even offered. This has tarnished my feelings on the issue a little but not as much as making me wish to stop pursuing information and training. This investigation feels good to me. We are still in the early exploration days but I do know that my motives are pure and I just want the best for everyone in this situation. I have also committed to Eric that I am willing to try at least 2 IuI’s and depending on how my shitty ovaries respond, MAYBE a 3rd. But I will not attempt to commit to #3 until after the first one. On that note, I told Eric that in the possibility that an IuI actually result in a pregnancy that last for ~9 months and results in a real live baby that I get to take home from the hospital, I still would like to pursue the foster/adoption training regardless of the outcome. (*as all my posts, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time I need- for I am a woman and I am best at being Fickle - For I am just trying to sort out all these weird scenarios and situations that are rustling in my IF Brain that "normal" people never have to actually think about or answer on a questionaire form - and this post is not ment to offend anyone - if I do so, Please let me know so that I can apologize and be more senstive to others)

a Whoops post - my subconscious took over

The day I found out that my Dr. wants to move to IUI’s, I went into this weird emotional state. I lost hope that it would work naturally (as if cl.omid is natural, so I dunno what my problem is – and I dunno why “natural” seems so important to me and after 4 years +, you think any way that has a chance of getting me pregnant would be very exciting to me) Along with the emotional aspects, I am struggling with the financial aspects. My husband and I do not have an excessive amount of money. We try to live w/in our means and live some what comfortable. We actually do not even own credit cards. I got in some credit card debt out of college (as do a lot of people) and my grandmother offered to pay them off and I pay her back instead of having all that interest accrue and I took her up on that offer a few yrs ago. But in the agreement, I had to stop using credit cards. I am still paying her back and we currently still do not have any credit cards. We have decent jobs, and a decent condo, and decent income, but we also still have a decent amount of car loans and student loans, and etc misc. living expenses each month. I know that I am not in the poor house at all, and I am grateful for where I am. But at the same time, I am having such an internal struggle with spending money on “attempts to make a baby”. I feel like it’s a gamble and quite possibly use of my money based on feelings and irrationality instead of logic and reasonings. As much as I may be irrational with my feelings, I am usually never irrational with my funds. As you can tell from my personality test (or if you know me), I am very literal and tend to make big life decisions based on logic, reasoning and facts. (my internal fight is between logic and feelings) I have had a job since I was 13, and I totally understand the value of the almighty dollar. With the IuI, it’s about $2000 that I may literally piss down a drain. I know that is not EVEN REMOTELY healthy to say before I even attempt to order the meds (which are about $800). I mean why would I go into this feeling ½ part doom and gloom right out of the gate …… What is wrong with me?? Is this even normal to feel just doing IuI’s?? On the Feelings side of me, I should include that in some very weird way, I am extremely excited to be moving to IuI’s!! Yes I know, I am a complete whack job, but doing something like this feels like we are moving in the right direction in order to compensate for my shitty ovaries that refuse to cooperate because they insist on suffering from PCOS. I told Eric that this process is actually very exciting for the science nerd in me. Mixing drugs, learning how all the processes are needed to help each other – that part fascinates me to the nth degree. This post was supposed to be about something TOTALLy unrelated ..i guess now that will be tomorrow’s post – sorry to keep revisiting the same topic OVER and OVER ad nausea

Monday, August 6, 2007

What book am I

i can't get the "what book are you" to post right but i have to share ..It's pretty accurate (except for the brilliant thing and Id like to think i signify something) :

You're The Sound and the Fury!by William Faulkner.Strong-willed but deeply confused, you are trying to come to grips with a major crisis in your life. You can see many different perspectives on the issue, but you're mostly overwhelmed with despair at what you've lost. People often have a hard time understanding you, but they have some vague sense that you must be brilliant anyway. Ultimately, you signify nothing.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Me ..jumping on the bandwagon

Click to view my Personality Profile page

ESTJs live in a world of facts and concrete needs. They live in the present, with their eye constantly scanning their personal environment to make sure that everything is running smoothly and systematically. They honor traditions and laws, and have a clear set of standards and beliefs."
- Portrait of an ESTJ (The Personality Page)"...go by experience and that is what counts, not speculation and experimentation, and certainly not fantasy. They keep their feet firmly on the ground and make sure that those under their supervision do the same..."
- The Portrait of the Supervisor (eStJ) (Keirsey)"responsible, finisher, decisive, norm following, respects authority, punctual, hard working, stiff, self confident"
- Jung Type Descriptions (ESTJ) (similarminds.com)
"ESTJs thrive on order and continuity. Being extraverted, their focus involves organization of people, which translates into supervision. While ENTJs enjoy organizing and mobilizing people according to their own theories and tactically based agendas, ESTJs are content to enforce "the rules," often dictated by tradition or handed down from a higher authority."
- ESTJ Profile (TypeLogic)"ESTJs prefer occupations that require an organized, logical, and practical bent that incorporates an effective use of time and resources. They pay attention to the organization's hierarchy and use policies and procedures to help them to move the tasks along. They like making decisions and dealing with concrete, specific facts."
- ESTJ - The Enforcer (Lifexplore)

ESTJ Career MatchesESTJs are often happy with the following jobs which tend to match well with the Overseer/Protector personality.
Accountant, Auditor, Banker, Business Administrator, Business Analyst, Computer Specialist, Detective, Economist, Editor, Engineer, Financial Officer, Government Worker, Insurance Agent, Judge, Lecturer, Librarian, Manager, Marketer, Military Leader, Nursing Administrator, Police
Researcher, Sales Representative, Scientist, Senior Manager, Teacher
Teacher/Professor, Technical Specialist, Underwriter, Writer

Looks like I am follwong the career path for my personality!

Friday, August 3, 2007

WOW - I feel honored

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Someone found my blog from a go.ogle search: " my husband wants to pee on me"

I don't know how that happened and I have nothing else to say ........ Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Thursday, August 2, 2007

10 things ....

tagged by Cibele I hereby give you 10 things I …

Hate: (in no particular order)

  1. Snakes (Just like Leah) - We drove over a snake one time in a car and i lifted my feet off the floorboard- that's how scared of them I am
  2. Being alone at night - I still have this little girl in me that panics- call me Fraidy Cat
  3. Beer - I really can not stand the taste of it at all
  4. Struggling with my weight
  5. Being Left out
  6. Assvice or Unsolicited assvice from people that I do not know or "think" they know me
  7. People who take advantage or abuse their privileges/power
  8. People with bad work ethics
  9. Failing anything or letting people down
  10. Jello - Any kind, Pudding or regular

Love (in no particular order)

  1. My husband - days w/o him, I am just uneasy - he has this wonderful calming effect on me - He also can have this NOT SO calming effect on me don't get me wrong
  2. Fountain Drinks
  3. Animals of all Kinds (except snakes)
  4. The Ocean
  5. Chic Flicks
  6. Fruity Alcoholic Beverages (sex on the beach and rum runners are my Fav)
  7. Collector B.arbie's - I know, I am sorry that many do not like ba.rbies, But I'm talking about the ones all "prettied up in Bob M.ackie, Caroline He.rrarra, Holid.ay Bar.bies.
  8. Taking Pictures (of fun people/scenery)
  9. The countries Greece,Italy and Australia - I have never been but an really drawn to these countries and Have all intentions of visiting them
  10. being Loved and accepted - the feeling of someone truly loving you for you - it one of the most amazing feelings/experiences you can have. Whether it be romantic or friendship, I just adore and relish this feeling

I tag Chicklet, FattyPants, Courtney, JKH, Trying2007 and all others that wish to join in that haven't already done so ... Tag your it

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Unpacking mentally and physically

It’s CD 10 (or CD9) not completely sure – my CBE Monitor requested me POAS this AM and I decided against it. Maybe tomorrow, but today I just didn’t feel like it.

We are going through adjustment phase at the new Fertilize Me household. I have decided that moving and unpacking has made me a little more nostalgic than I would have liked it to have been. (this is just some history about me - nothing cycle related - you can stop reading if you are looking for cycle related posts) We moved from Tallahassee a few years ago when I got a promotion and relocated (thanksgiving weekend 2003). We lived in a 2 bedroom apartment in Tallahassee and when we moved to Tampa, we moved into my parent’s house (back into my old bedroom where I grew up). TALK ABOUT WEIRD!! It was just temporary because we were looking for an apartment and/or something to buy. Real Estate was on the rise and the FL market was unstable (and continues to be). I just moved my husband w/o a job and no degree since I made him quit school to relocate to a new university. Yes, he obviously loves me – because I made him give up A LOT for my happiness. I was struggling a lot, missing my college friends, wrestling with personal demons, adjusting to being married, and I was devastated every period that came and went – we started trying to have children immediately (read- before we were actually married). We couldn’t afford much on just my salary and my husband didn’t complete his degree yet, so we needed to be financially responsible and try to make decisions based on that while he was out looking for a job. FINALLY a few weeks into December, I could not take the 1.5 hour commute to work anymore or the parental supervising that I had not had in my life since I was 17 – ( I moved out of my parents house the summer of my 18th birthday - So that is 10 yrs of being out of that house) I needed my own place no matter what we had to do to make it happen – and my husband had a job – it wasn’t a great one, but it was a paying one. So we moved out and boy was it time. We moved into a very small 1 bedroom/one bathroom apartment and paid way to much in rent but it was WELL worth my sanity. We left many boxes packed because there was just no room for all that we had and some of the stuff we didn’t need until we had a more permanent location. We stayed there (for 2 yrs) until the bathroom ceiling fell in and we had to move – I found another smaller, “more affordable” townhome (read dumpy ole shack). We were going to stay there long enough to save money to buy our own place. 2 yrs later, several recent unhelpful phone calls to my landlord, a mortgage company, realtor, and loan officer, we decided it was time to move again because our townhouse was getting “worse” and it was affecting me and my attitude. And buying a home right now was an even worse ideaso it was back to looking for a place to rent. So that’s where we are NOW. I am unpacking some boxes that were packed up from the original move in 2003. I found a BBT thermometer and old tempting charts (that didn’t help me get a baby), many books about getting pregnant the natural way, a saliva fertility predictor (that didn’t help me bring home a baby), the Nu.va ring timer that told me when to insert a new one to help regulate my hormones in order to be pregnant which the dr swore I would be pregnant after atleast 3 rounds, and many other stupid items I bought to help bring me a baby – which also didn’t help. As I unpacked these items, I was revisited with all kinds of emotions and the one that I remember the most is desperation. I remember how I desperately wanted a baby and that If someone back then would have told me 4 yrs later I still would be struggling the same way, I think I would have giving up on hope and ended it all (I have been in a very dark place). And now that it is 4 yrs later, as much as it sucks, I am so much more knowledgeable than “that girl”, I miss her naivety, passion, and hope but I have learned a lot about who I am and how strong I am and how strong my marriage is. I have learned that I can weather a storm and hold strong unto my faith and family. It's not been all bliss and joy or intense pain either – but It has just Been – and I have a (sometimes dark) past but I have hope for a brighter future because of this experience - bet you can't wait for me to go back to talkin about my Cycles !!

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