Monday, August 24, 2009

Tell me

What are you cooking for dinner tonight? Go ahead, Leave me all your secrets. The requirements: Simple, inexpensive, ~30/45 mins and not over 10 ingredients, oh and Yep I am watching my sugars ....

updated - Amy reminded me that all crockpot meals/recipes are greatly appreciated too because I consider those good to go too!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Shhhhhh, Baby Sleeping

Or the alternate title could have been Oh, I am losing my mind.

It's been about 3 weeks with E's new schedule and We have most of the kinks worked out .. Except this new sleep/wake up time.

For the past few weeks, I have adjusted MT's bedtime in order to make it age appropriate and conducive to when he is actually tired. E was usually in charge of MT's bedtime up until the new shift change. So, MT had to get used to me putting him to bed. Know that we have now adjusted to me being the one to do the bedtime .. Our routine is quite breezy and mostly stress free.

Now we have a different problem. Wake up time. (and maybe this isn't as big of a problem as I think it is. maybe this is the evolution of sleep) I was used to him sleeping about 12.5-13 hours at night with 2 (40-60 min naps- usually 45) a day. So about 14-16 of sleep a day.

Now, He is sleeping about 9-10 hours a night. Then he wants out of bed with loud protesting. Because he is hearing BIL leave for work and E coming home from work ..... He is not waking up happy or on his own really. He is being woken up by their commotion. I bought a video monitor so that I feel safe enough to pull his door closed to try and keep out all their noise - but that is not working Obviously.

After MT is up and out of the bed and calmed down, I try to give him milk. I have learned to wait to feed him breakfast because he will not eat when he first wakes up. So after we play on the floor and watch some sprout or noggin, he is then ready for breakfast but he is also tired as heck. Because he is not waking up on his own. So some mornings, after breakfast, He wants to go back down for an hour (or more) nap ... (but not every morning- so I never know until he shows sleepiness) because he did not get that last 1 or 2 hours like he needed. So We are constantly suck in a limbo, Will he or won't he need a morning nap. After that nap, he seems like his jovial self.....

After that nap, he is good to go for a few good (3-4) hours. I tried a few techniques that were suggested. I did try to just keep him up, but that was really just miserable. Therefore - that method just made the whole day seem craptacular and I squashed that plan ... Right Now, I have my dad on plan B - Looking for another exit/entry access into our house. Our backdoor is a sliding glass door - Makes it hard to really use as another exit/entry way... But I am hoping that there is a way ... Then there will be strict orders for BIL and E to leave/come through the back door in the mornings. If not, I may be remodeling and putting in new doors because I just can't figure out what else is left to do.

Honestly, We have never been a "shhhh the baby is sleeping" household. MT adjusted to noise quite fine and I liked it that way. I am not used to having a light sleeper. So this is really new/weird to me.

I also would like to thank the eye teeth that we have coming in, and the developmental stage we seem to be in also. He is showing me more and more things he can do every moment. So I know his lil mind is just full of new stuff to show me. I have noticed that his sleeping gets really out of whack with teething and when he is about to hit new milestones. So Maybe my over abundance of hormones are kicking in and making me antsy over my lack of sleep and lessened ability to go with the flow .... I just get tired of hearing my parents tell me "he will sleep in unto 8:45-9am at our house, you should just leave him here" ...... OH it makes me want to leave him over there alright!

Monday, August 17, 2009


Help - My friend T-Mommy is in need of some Donor Advice. I know that some of you reading have experience in that area. Can you help her out.

Questions/Opinions/What would you do: Scenario a 17 month old and a Newborn - The consensus seems to be, I need a dble stroller - what kind have you liked or would buy? Do I leave my 17 month old in a crib and when I am ready for the newborn to go in a crib (we put MT in his own room around 7 months) transition MT to a bed? So possibly leaving MT in his crib for another yr at ~26 months before placing Armadillo in the crib? Do I need 2 cribs? I do not have any extra bedrooms so Armadillo will be bunking with us until I feel like I can put 2 children in the same bedroom or we move ..... again .. Thoughts?

I had my OB appointment today and I was worried that things would not go so smoothly. It is no secret that My OB and Dr Wonderful do not seem to see eye to eye on some of my treatments. The thing is I love Dr Wonderful, I like 2 of the OB dr's really well and their office staff. I dislike alot of their nurses. The office just has a different feel to it. I am not sure if it's because they switched insurance companies or have too many patient to dr ratio. But I try my best to get through it all. because I do really like 2-3 of the 5 dr's there. That is 1/2 rate and I know it could be much worse, I have seen and read much worse.

But today went very smoothly. Exceeded all my expectations .. Granted it was with the 1 Dr i do favor the most. She was willing to listen, She did not scoff at me for not taking the 3 hr or talking to their office about it first, she read why the dr and I agreed to start me on Met, She didn't even yell at me for forgetting my sugars recordings and my pregnancy passport.

She calmed my nerves about the 2 or 3 root canals I am having tomorrow and assured me that it was best to take care of them now then later. It was a pretty low key appointment. Which I like. I do have to go and get a lab done to test my blood because I am still on lo.venox which is no big deal, I can do whenever for that.

Life in general, seems to be going ... And going well most days. Basically, I am learning to adjust. My husband is adjusting too so we are all making compromises and it's nice to not feel so out of control all the time.

MT is a grand ole 14 months. He has replaced walking with running. He went through a phase of semi-regression for a few weeks. Needing to be held, needing 2-3 naps a day not spaced out very well, not eating to eating everything in sight, forgetting the words he knew. It was weird and interesting and annoying all at the same time. He would just get frustrated and not help me figure it out. He would just say Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh all the time. But after 2 ish weeks of that - we seem back to a semi regular scheduled program Ish .... He is cutting the dreaded eye teeth and every day is a guessing game on if he will be crankypants or not ... Or take a morning nap or not ... Or eat or Not ... It seems that when "they" tell you that after that first yr - things will get more regular, they forget to include unless teething, or baby sicks, or new developments, or mom is pregnant .... ETC.

MT has learned some new tricks though in all that new growing and learning he is doing. He has added ThankYou to his vocab. It's more like dank guoo or dank dank but he says it after you help him or give him something he was trying to get.

Music is a MUST in our house, I turn on the upper lever music channel alot. We have one directed towards Toddlers and MT LOVES it. He will sit and play on the floor, run around, and dance for hours listening to the music. We just got a L.aurie Be.rkner CD (rocketship run). She by FAR is MT fav. One song counts down 5,4,3,2,1 and I was doing the numbers on my hand 2 weeks ago just for something to do, MT has caught on! He tries to count down with the song with his hands every time he hears it. Or if he wants to hear the song, He holds up 5 fingers and shakes his hand. He really is a sponge. I have since showed him how to do 5,4,3,2,1 and he is very proud and Happy when we do this together. It's amazing how their lil brains work all the time. The development is such an amazing process for me to watch. I love that I get to experience it.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Dr. Wonderful Strikes again

I had a fantastic dr's appointment this morning with Dr. Wonderful. First they performed an fetal echo-cardiogram to make sure that there were 4 chambers and that the septum was closed due to me having surgery for an A.SD repair. Everything looked great, Baby cooperated well and they got all the measurements/tests that needed to be done.

The baby was in such great positioning that the tech went ahead and turned the machine onto the 4d mode. We watched the lil one smile at us .... (can't get the pic to upload - will try later)

It was awesome.

We then discussed my failing the 1 hr Glucose test and i showed him my recordings for all my readings I have been doing since the day of the test. He agreed that the 3 hr was going to be a waste of time since my fasting mornings reads are the only reads that are out of the acceptable range. We already know from the PC.OS that my body is wonky with sugars and nighttime. He stated that my over-active liver was just in overtime at night and that we need to try and combat the night sugars. Based on my pregnancy with MT, my fasting waking sugars were always the highest too .. so with that Said, He wants me to try 500mg of Met.formin at night to start off with and see if we can't get my fasting waking read around 90 at first. I am to call him in 1 week on the 500 mg, If it is not down/under 90, then I will go to 2 500mg of Met... If after 2 weeks of that It is still not being down/around 90 .., we will try 3 500mg..... I have an appointment with him Sept 4, and if we still can't control it, we will discuss what is next.

This news is so fantastic to me ... I know I still have GD and GD is not fantastic , but not having to take the 3 hr and just feeling like I had a Dr listen to me about my body feels like a very huge accomplishment. This is why he deems the name Dr. Wonderful.

He always wants me to go to checking my sugars 2 hrs after each meal instead of 1 hour. All of this is just such a breath of fresh air and I feel like I can slowly breath again and release the panic ..

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I would like to personally thank everyone for the kind, kind comments. Thank you for not flogging me - For I am flogging myself mentally most days between the mix of emotions, lack of sleep, and new adjustments.

I just have to write something to get that blog post off the top ..... So as most of my posts - this one is totally random.

  • I just realized that I really dislike mustard on cheeseburgers
  • I have a dr's appointment tomorrow with Dr Wonderful and I am hoping he has some answers/suggestions for me about my sugars
  • It's amazing that in 2009 there are very limited meds a pregnant woman can take safely .... I have had a sinus headache for like 3 days that it irratating my teeth
  • I miss taking showers in the morning but I love sleep more than getting up early enough to take a shower in the morning
  • YAH for Shark Week, The Food Channel, HGTV, and Discovery Channel! I am not sure what I would do w/o these channels. I am looking forward to new Swordfish Fishing Show
  • MAN, I want a new hair cut so bad but have no idea what to do
  • I miss baking, Because I miss eating cookies/brownies but I am so OCD about my sugars that I can't bring myself to bake

Oh there are plenty more random thoughts of today but I won't scare/bore you with any more

Sunday, August 2, 2009

No more Tip Toeing

Infertility is So bizarre to process and I am warning you right now - Up front. This is going to be a very hard post for me to write and this is going to be a very hard post for most to read. These are MY feelings and I am allowed to have them, Because they are Mine and this is my blog. It does not mean anyone else will like them or agree with them. If you are not in a great space mentally right now - I am warning you now - You may need to come back to this post much later. I have no intentions of offending or losing any readers/commenter's. I am just trying to get back to being able to blog and pushing the elephant in the room to light.

I have always been honest on my blog - Very very open and Honest. The past few months, I have not been completely open and honest with my feelings. But, Now, It's time to break that cycle:

I am having a VERY hard time being pregnant this time around. Mentally and Physically. Let's take it back a few months - I fantasized about the Idea of being pregnant again, idealized the idea of being able to decide that when I would want an #2, It would just happen .. You know, Like, Pick when you are ready and start and magically fall pregnant - Just like a fairy tale ..Or the Movies ..... Once We all adjusted to life with MT and would be feeling a groove and feeling Ready ...... Yes THEN ... that would just be divine, but if we never have #2 ..I know the blessing of one gorgeous little boy and I will be fulfilled with him

Then I started having "health issues" that I just knew were my PCOS acting up again ..... I took pregnancy test because people kept telling me to .. Now that I think about, they were actually faint lines and Not Evap lines ...

Then The dr's confirmed that I was in fact, Pregnant ... My first thoughts were, Oh Well, Here we go again ... Just more miscarriage to add under my belt. I found out I was 8 weeks and was waiting every day to find out that it was just another chemical pregnancy or that I was going to start bleeding at any moment. And week by week, Life went on, and I was somehow still pregnant. No Met, No aspirin, No L.ovenox, No med's to make me ovulate ... Nothing .. I felt like a fish out of water. This was not known territory. 7 yrs, No birth control, a few too many positive pregnancy tests and lots of Dr's bills and One beautiful MT to show for them. People knew we had to seek medically intervention to get MT on earth and asked if we went through it again so soon ... I was now THAT myth ... That girl .. to continue to perpetuate the story telling of friends to friends that know a friend that once they gave birth, all their fertility problems were fixed .... But are they really? What does fixed imply ... That I was broken? And not not? I endured more "i told you so" than I would like to recall

Each trip to the bathroom to vomit profusely, reminded me that I was still really pregnant and also caring for a 9 month old ...(is there a nice way to describe all day sickness?)

The dr's appointments came rolling in, Yip, Still Pregnant .... I am not sure when I actually processed that I Really was pregnant and possibly going to be pregnant until they say Dec..I say Nov....

All this time, I know that I know that I know and believe the blessing it is to have a child ... to be pregnant and caring for a child. I know with all my heart that this is a blessing beyond any blessing ... ..But ... Here is the But

MAN! It's So hard. It is not like my pregnancy with MT, where I have all the time in the world to enjoy downtime and take time for myself and get pampered and be totally intoxicated by the hormones and love and dotting friends/family. This time, I am chasing a very active Tot, being very very sick, peeing on myself because I could not make it to the bathroom in time because I was taking care of one of MT's immediate needs and having to neglect that "OMG I have to pee feeling", standing outside in the heat index of 107, bitterness of years of heartbreak, bitterness of treatments, bitterness for friends who deserve to be a Mom times two because I am not that great at handling one some/most days, Bitterness of timing, Bitterness is UGLY ....... This is not the circumstances I ever imagined when daydreaming of #2 .....

All of this is just touching the surface of the emotional aspect of having your body flooded with an overload of hormones again. There are so many emotional layers to infertility .. Like an Onion .. I peel back each layer to only find more layers of raw-ness. More layers of deep rooted hurt, Dealing with More very hurtful losses of friendships, More inconsiderate, hurtful comments and feeling of Am/Was I really infertile after all ... Doubt .... Sending me to places that are dark. Rocking my core.. Confusing, Mixed emotions of loss, birth, cures, doubt .. Questioning my very being, My bitterness, My blessings, My struggles, My feelings, My life ....

The only thing that I can do it, accept it, Move on ... Embrace it head on. This is my Life, the cards I was dealt. I can't change it, I can't make excuses for it. I have to Learn as we go ... And try to make the absolute most I can out of it, Try to keep the friendships I have, Open and honestly ... and Hang on for dear life ....