Tainted Love

Many of you know the woes that infertility brings, so I don't need to list them in bullet form. The one that was completely over the top of us this weekend was PRESSURED baby makin'! As you know, I got my very first + opk yesterday (and actually today too) in 2 yrs. Apparently, just as we are completely stoked, we both are feelin the extra pressure. We have been capitalizing on the + opk (every other day at the high mark on my cbe monitor - now we are doing a lil extra for good measure and insurance). As much as I know that my husband is not a machine and that no one really agrees on how long it takes to replenish a decent amount of sperm in between "sessions", I am encouraging him to take extra vitamins and drink LOTS of water. ** please don't tell me that every other day is better- this is my coping skill at the moment, and trust me, It's no sex-athon...To us, this is like Haley's Comet ... and we want to make the most of it. We may(or may not) get another chance at this for a long time and need to be at maximum operations and functions. The problem with this is ........... say it with me: MORE ADDED PRESSURE/strain. We all know that an infertile can not stand to hear "just relax" and this "just relax" method doesn't seem to prevail... but BY GEORGE I wish I could "just relax" while we are attempting to make a baby. Would't that be a novel idea. Believe it or not, I am actually much calmer than normal this cycle(as of right now). Do not get my wrong, I'm not a complete ball-o-nerves, but today, during one of our "extra attempts", the pressure got to my husband and he totally froze. Freaked, Wigged out... call it what you want. This made me feel 24000000% guilty. (reminder post) He apologized and was able to verbalize his added pressures of the mechanics to me and being that my husband is probably the calmest, well natured man on the planet, I insisted that we stop. Him thinking he had to apologize just melted me. It was too much, we both ended in tears (he is going to kill me for posting this). I had to insist that we stop. I, at no cost, want to put my marriage/sex life in jeopardy more than I already have. (or do I??) He has told me on many occasions that it's like i "want a wham, bam, hurry up and finish after I insert a quater in his mouth" .. so Yes our intimacy has been compromised by the scars of infertility for years now. (as I am sure everyone reading this completely understands- and if you don't understand ..please OOO please send me your tips) The spice, the sparkle, the romance, at times, is just gone. It dwindled away years ago, after months of nothingness followed by miscarriages followed up by more nothingness. Do we still love each other, absolutely!! Do we discuss how the mechanics of bady makin' has interfered with our ability to connect physically at times?, Yes, at great lengths. But honestly, there isn't much to talk about. I was taught for like 20+ years that sex = baby. And, now dealing with the reality that sex does not = baby at times. I have heard, and once partook in the sex as a recreation, but now, I consider that a has-been or a myth or some sweet lil movie plot. I know that because I am a sufferer of infertility, I have a scewed, jaded and tainted view with a front row seat. I am told that, "it gets easier". I am hangin' on to that. I cannot wait until the scars get to be burned off. Until then, we will make the best of what we have to work with together.