Saturday, July 7, 2007

Tainted Love

Many of you know the woes that infertility brings, so I don't need to list them in bullet form. The one that was completely over the top of us this weekend was PRESSURED baby makin'! As you know, I got my very first + opk yesterday (and actually today too) in 2 yrs. Apparently, just as we are completely stoked, we both are feelin the extra pressure. We have been capitalizing on the + opk (every other day at the high mark on my cbe monitor - now we are doing a lil extra for good measure and insurance). As much as I know that my husband is not a machine and that no one really agrees on how long it takes to replenish a decent amount of sperm in between "sessions", I am encouraging him to take extra vitamins and drink LOTS of water. ** please don't tell me that every other day is better- this is my coping skill at the moment, and trust me, It's no sex-athon...To us, this is like Haley's Comet ... and we want to make the most of it. We may(or may not) get another chance at this for a long time and need to be at maximum operations and functions. The problem with this is ........... say it with me: MORE ADDED PRESSURE/strain. We all know that an infertile can not stand to hear "just relax" and this "just relax" method doesn't seem to prevail... but BY GEORGE I wish I could "just relax" while we are attempting to make a baby. Would't that be a novel idea. Believe it or not, I am actually much calmer than normal this cycle(as of right now). Do not get my wrong, I'm not a complete ball-o-nerves, but today, during one of our "extra attempts", the pressure got to my husband and he totally froze. Freaked, Wigged out... call it what you want. This made me feel 24000000% guilty. (reminder post) He apologized and was able to verbalize his added pressures of the mechanics to me and being that my husband is probably the calmest, well natured man on the planet, I insisted that we stop. Him thinking he had to apologize just melted me. It was too much, we both ended in tears (he is going to kill me for posting this). I had to insist that we stop. I, at no cost, want to put my marriage/sex life in jeopardy more than I already have. (or do I??) He has told me on many occasions that it's like i "want a wham, bam, hurry up and finish after I insert a quater in his mouth" .. so Yes our intimacy has been compromised by the scars of infertility for years now. (as I am sure everyone reading this completely understands- and if you don't understand ..please OOO please send me your tips) The spice, the sparkle, the romance, at times, is just gone. It dwindled away years ago, after months of nothingness followed by miscarriages followed up by more nothingness. Do we still love each other, absolutely!! Do we discuss how the mechanics of bady makin' has interfered with our ability to connect physically at times?, Yes, at great lengths. But honestly, there isn't much to talk about. I was taught for like 20+ years that sex = baby. And, now dealing with the reality that sex does not = baby at times. I have heard, and once partook in the sex as a recreation, but now, I consider that a has-been or a myth or some sweet lil movie plot. I know that because I am a sufferer of infertility, I have a scewed, jaded and tainted view with a front row seat. I am told that, "it gets easier". I am hangin' on to that. I cannot wait until the scars get to be burned off. Until then, we will make the best of what we have to work with together.

10 comments:

Stacy said...

It sucks, I know. For us it means being romantic at non-baby making times. It means even when you're not in the mood, doing it anyway. Dressing up, putting on something sexy, whatever it takes.

SaraS-P said...

Yes, yes, and yes. You said it all, pretty much. I wish I had tips. All I can offer is that our success rate does not differ whether we do it every other day or every day, we still get nowhere!
I have noticed that our relationship is much better, though, when we are not trying to do as much as possible. And, I , too have have guilty moments, like when he's said, "I'm sorry, I just don't want this tonight," or "I'm really tired, can't you be on top?"

When I did get pregnant (which seems like a distant memory), we were only doing it 1-2 times a week. But I do insist on at least 2 nights in a row once I get a Peak and/or a positive OPK.

Good luck with all the madness!

Pamela Jeanne said...

I do feel for you both. S.ex on demand is absolutely the worst. As Stacy pointed out, the best way to keep it from seeming entirely like a chore is to engage in more romantic playful coupling in those non-peak times of the month...

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I think the expectation that we can preserve the fireworks in our sex lives, in addition to dealing with IF AND the normal ins and outs of relationships, is just wrong. What's really important is that you are discussing your feelings. And, just because things are a little dry right now, doesn't mean that they won't change in a good way someday.

I am earlier to this process so (at least one of) the two of us still enjoys the process most of the time. BUT the pressure has gotten to us, too. One thing that has helped tremendously has been massage videos for couples. It is really great to spend time massaging every part of each other's bodies. It is helping to bring back a little of the tenderness that was lost due to the IF stress. Mr. LIW bought the videos on Amazon as a surprise for me, which was nice.

Hang in there and I hope that this cycle brings success!!

My Reality said...

I so relate to this feeling.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Hasnt s-e-x turned so lovely...ugg. Hope this is IT!

Leah said...

This line rang so true to me: "our intimacy has been compromised by the scars of infertility for years now." Amen.

Sorry to hear you guys are going through such a stressful patch right now -- especially when the ever-elusive + opk is in town!

Just know I'm thinking about you and wishing nothing but wonderful things: happy marriage, perfect eggs to be released during this ovulation, and A BABY!

Janna said...

While I was reading your post I kept nodding in agreement...I SOOOO understand where you are right now. Infertility DOES take the romanctic sex out of the marriage. I really don't have any advice other than what's already been said, but I wanted to let you know that YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!! I hope this cycle is a success for you!!! No one deserves to have to go through this!

Cibele said...

I so can relate to what you wrote. Last year DH and decided to take a break because IF was really harming our sex life. When we first started TTC I would just "SEDUCE" him, don’t talk about ovulation ... but than I ran out of tricks. Than, I decided to make a calendar and send via e-mail, send text message ... another month we took turns of who will seduce... it all got old, none of us could relax anymore... so , so frustrating... The same thing that happened to you the other night happened to us many times... I have no assvice, just want to wish you the best of luck and hopefully all the “work” this month will pay off!!!!!!!!! hugs

tryingin2007 said...

sex? what is that? my IVF drugs make me feel like crap. the thought of exposing my huge bloated body to my DH terrifies me (it would terrify him!)

I long for the "good old days" when we were dating and falling in love. that sex was fun!