Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Participation, Anticipation and Reflection

*if you normally are a lurker or read every now and again and have never or rarely commented, leave a comment just this one time ... I enjoy and appreciate acknowledging those that take the time to follow me. Leave your footprint on my 2008.

Reposting for those who missed it the first time, or didn't have time to comment:

"As 2008 comes to a close, I always try to relate a word with the year. This year the word seems to be Transition … I have gone from TTC for years, to Pregnant, to a mother. Talk about having to deal with a boat load of feelings/issues in a relatively small amount of time. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, and was undergoing treatment, but then Bam, One day everything changes. I was injecting med’s to assist folly growth, then Overnight, I became pregnant. No I am not complaining – Of course I was hoping to achieve pregnancy some day, But I did not allow myself to consider that eventually I would actually be pregnant. Then I had 10 months to adjust to pregnancy. But what I discovered in those 10 months is that most of that time is pressed to prepare for what comes after the pregnancy. So I felt like I was trying to adjust to pregnancy but being hurried to plan for motherhood .. I understand they are usually directly related …. But I didn’t directly relate them much. Then one morning I woke up and found out that I was going to deliver a baby. Then I delivered said baby and now I am here. In this place where I am now called a Mother ..It’s very daunting to try and sort through all of this in a very limited time frame. I am sure it is done with ease by many..but I guess I am just slow ..So, Here I am trying to sort through all of what has become …. Do you have a word that you will associate 2008 with?"

2009 will be here is 9 hours and 40 minutes. I am ready for the New Year to kick off. I am ready to experience what 2009 has for me and my new family. I am ready to see what 2009 has in store for all of you.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Pictures First ......




It seems forever since I have had 30 mins to myself. I have had some many thoughts of wanting to blog (for my sanity) and no time to actually do it.

S0 - Here I am having a few minutes to myself and hoping to get all that I wanted to blog out of my head.

Post Surgery - The first few days were pretty rough. They did give him anesthesia and an epidural .. Then before we left to go home, they gave him Tylenol with codeine. I was instructed to administer more doses every 4ish hours. I was not extremely comfortable giving him the Tylenol w codeine after I saw that it pretty much zonked him out. He was pretty drugged and unresponsive (unless he was pee-ing or had peed) So it was pretty challenging to get liquids in him. So the second day, I called and asked if I could try Motrin instead. Motrin seemed to be able to manage the pain and allow me to get him to eat. He only seemed to have discomfort when he peed. The first time he peed was absolutely heartbreaking. He screamed and screamed. After the second time of him screaming while peeing, We actually realized that he made this certain face. We were able to tell before he was going to pee therefore, we could be on the way to change the diaper to help the sting/burning We think he was feeling. By the third day, He would just get that look on his face of discomfort and no screaming. I was glad that he was feeling some relief. By the fourth day, I think he was just a little sore. The surgery also made him aware that there was "something" down there. He has never noticed it before. But Lately, he seems to have "found something" there. I am hoping that he will forget about it again for a while.

MT has regressed with taking naps. II have mention this before, it's been ever since I have started back to work .. It just got much worse this week. I am blaming surgery .. but I can't blame it for long. His naps this week, would only happen, by being rocked, swung, and soothed to sleep. I am hoping that He will be able to go back to just being laid down drowsy and sleep (w.o screaming his head off) I am unsure if I should be concerned or if this too shall pass .... My husband seems to think that this too shall pass ... He says it's a phase and a way to get comfort.

Christmas Eve -was hectic and I was stressed out trying to get to church on time to meet my parents. E was working and It is just simply hard to get me and an infant dressed up, packed up and arrive on somewhere on time. I tip my hat to all the Single moms out there. I am not sure how you do it.

Thursday night - Christmas night, We had dinner with the neighbors, like we do for Thanksgiving. With all the overstimulating company and whatnot, he did very well considering. He was cranky, whiny and clingy ... It was not the first Christmas I had imagined, but Life has a way of doing that. It's nothing like the movies (for me anyways) .. A few hours each day spent in a dark room trying to calm my child down from meltdown modes....

So that brings us to Friday. and with all of this cluster-overstimulating Christmas company and healing boy-part issues, I failed to notice the teething signs. Poor kid has both top teeth coming through. You can actually feel them .... So, After recovering from the surgery, We are now dealing with Teeth. Have I mention that MT does not do teething well. AT ALL ..... Rolls eyes...... I was so focused on getting through the issue at hand, I totally failed to recognize the teething signs. So, Yes Now teething.

Last night, my family had our Christmas dinner. Well, I should say, they had Christmas dinner and I had a screaming overstimulated tired, teething cranky baby on my hands. E and I ate dinner in shifts and then we quickly loaded up the car and practically ran out the door. MT was done. As soon as we got home, gave him a bath and fed him a bottle. He was just as happy as could be. Talking up an storm and smiling his lil face off. It's so hard to explain to others that he just needs a break from being passed around ... I am not sure why that is so hard for people to understand. And so far, if he cries at strangers they can't figure out why he is so whiny ........ And if I hear "he needs to get over that" .... one more time... I may punch someone ..... I told E that I was going to take the Tylenol w/ codeine to be able to enjoy the rest of the visits.

I better get ready to head out. My sister and grandmother are still in town and Want to spend as much time w/ MT as possible. I hope everyone had fairly decent time with your family.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Super Trooper

Last night was not a good night of sleep f or me. Apparently, I was more nervous then I realized. I went to bed late, laid there, then at 4:30am i woke up and could not go back to sleep. I tried to wake MT up to feed him. He was not having any of it.. He just would go right back to sleep. I tried and tried until about 6am. I am not sure I managed to get any real amounts of food in him ..

We left for the hospital around 6:40am and arrived around 7:20. We checked in and began waiting. Unfortunately, we waited until about 8:45/9am before they actually took him back for surgery. He actually did amazingly well. Considering his last real feeding was at 9pm last night. A few times we had to distract him from remembering it was time to eat but that was it really. He never had a meltdown about waiting. In check in - they told me that they would give him a bottle of sugar water after the surgery was over and he woke up. I asked if I could nurse him instead. The nurse informed me that since MT takes bottles they would just go ahead and try the sugar water .... I was annoyed but it was early and I was in no mood to argue. So I let it go. We said our goodbyes and the nurse carried him into the OR. He didn't cry, which helped ease my mind. My husband, on the other hand, was a wreck. You could see it all over him. We switched roles today. I think it is because I have had surgery and been in hospitals more than he has.


The dr came out about 55 mins and told us that he was done and they everything went well and that MT was on his way unto the PACU for recovery. He sent us to the nurses station to retrieve a pager so we would know when MT was ready for us to see him. About 25 mins later, my pager went off. Apparently, they tried to give him sugar water and he lost it. He was so pissed off by the time I got back there. I tried to explain to the nurse that he hates those rubber nipples on those hospital bottles. We realized that from when he was born and we had such a hard time feeding him with those nipples. I told the PACU nurse that I tried to explain that to the other nurse at check in but she wasn't interested in hearing me out. Regardless, I was able to nurse him and get his heart rate/blood pressure back down which was what the nurse was considered about. After he calmed down, I walked him to our post- op/waiting room. He saw my dad and was just bouncing with joy and glee. He babbled on and on to my father and ate a bottle and a half while we were waiting for the new nurse to send us on our way.

They send us home with instructions and some pain meds. He woke up at home a few hours ago and went to the bathroom and just screamed his little head off about it. The bandage fell off, we changed the diaper. And haven't had any signs of discomfort since. I am going to give him some of the pain meds tonight because I do not want him to wake up in the middle of the night in pain ..

Over all - pretty spectacular. Couldn't have asked for a better response from a 6 month old. We go back for a follow up visit in 2 weeks.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Proving I can leave the house before 9am

MT has surgery in the morning. (to correct some male related issues) I am not as nervous as I thought I would be, yet. I am sure tomorrow standing there in the hospital turning my baby over to the surgical team, that is when I will start panicking. I kept him up a little late tonight to try to get more fluids in him. I can breastfeed him until 6am. We have to be at the hospital at 7:30am. I am actually very nervous about his demeanor tomorrow morning after 6 am when I can no longer feed him. He is not a calm, mellow fellow when it comes to food. He is quite loud and demanding when he wants to eat. I think I am so nervous about that aspect of the morning that I haven't even allowed myself to get as far as thinking about the actual procedure and anesthesia part of the day. I did cling to him alittle tighter today. I did hold him pretty much every nap today ... Just because I can.

We actually made it to church this morning. Church is during one of his naptimes. Which is one reason why we haven't been much in the mornings. I was worried how this would work for us. But, he sat in my lap and played with his monkey, then got sleepy. He laid his head down on my shoulder while we were standing and singing. I put the blanket over him, bounced him and he just went to sleep until the service was over. I tried to get him in the car seat but that's when he woke up. He really is a good boy.

One good thing that returning to work p/t has done has allowed me to figure out how to get out of the house before 9am with my child. This weekend, we have left the house before 9am both mornings. Saturday morning, we went to a Christmas parade. The library had people giving books to children throughout the parade. I thought that was a fantastic idea. We walked away with a ton of books. MT was sleeping for the beginning when about 15 fire trucks and police vehicles were announcing the start of the parade with their sirens. This kid really could sleep through anything..

I started my period today. I can't wait until tomorrow. I can begin taking tylenol again. Since MT couldn't have any meds before his surgery, I figured I better not as well.... but boy could I use some cramp relief .... and SOON

I'll leave you with our christmas card for the yr:
I wish everyone a very blessed season.

If you have any input on car seats, please help those of us getting ready to purchase new ones.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Carseats .. Leave your opinions please

Thank you everyone for your support on my last post .. we are working through it. I think we have a few compounded reasons for all the mishappenings and slowly but surely we will just get through them all. We have had a pretty fun weekend. And nap/sleeping have been done with ease for now. No more biting .. Thank god because, I am not sure it could take anymore abuse like that for a while.

I measured MT yesterday to make sure that we were still within the limitations on his car seat. He was measuring ~29inches. (not sure what his weight is but it is no where near the 30lbs limit) With him being ~29 inches, I have 1 more inch to go before he outgrows the seat requirements. So I really need to on the ball and order a new car seat. I have been trying to get my husband to help with this decision, but he told me "buy what i wanted" ... GREAT.. too bad We weren't discussing cars, jewelry, or animals ... Not extremely helpful. So, I have some questions that maybe you experts could help me out on.

I know that the seems to be a popular choice. The rou.ndabout seems to have a lower height max than the marat.hon by 9 inches. That seems to be the major difference ... Oh and that Money thing. That's about $80 difference depending what website and week it is. But I know there are other car seats besides

Now here is my questions:

Do/Did you use your second car seat until your child is/was 49inches/65lbs?

What I am asking is, in the practical exercise, did you really use your car seat for that long? ~4 yrs for the same child? Is it likely to happen?

I want a safe car seat, I do not want to cut corners on safety, but I want to make sure that I send my money wisely. Consumer reports rates the eve.nflo triump.h line at a higher ranking than the br.itax. (could that be because of the money savings?) The ev.enflo is rank 1 the rou.ndabout is rank 2. The rou.ndabout received a very good for infant belt crash whereas the evenflo received an excellent .. They are $100 difference. This is a big difference. The overall rankings for both are the same score. The ma.rathon is ranked 4th. It only received a good rating in the infant latch crash protection and fair in the infant latch fit in vehicles. (i assume that is because the seat's dimensions are large to accommodate a 65lb'er). The overal mar.athon ranking was 30 points less than the 1-2 ranked.

Ok with all that said. There is a new evenflo symphony that has caught my eye. It's a new car seat that goes from 5-100 lbs. It's pretty new, not a whole lot of positive feedback from it. But it is new ... Anyone else see it? What are ordering, going to order? Have thoughts? What convertible seats are you using? There are tons ... Give me your opinions

Thursday, December 18, 2008

wholatta changes going on

This past week We have been having some not-so-typical scenarios with MT. In fact last night, i actually said out loud "Who is this child and what have they done with my baby". ..

Over the past week, My husband and I have took turns watching him since I returned to work p/t. On my first day off last week, MT pretty much flat out refused to sleep for naps. I thought maybe he was actually getting sick. Not that I was wishing sickness on him, but I received a memo from the urologists office that stated I could not give MT, any immunizations, Motrin, Tylenol, or any herbal medications for 2 weeks prior to his surgery and If he was to get sick, we would have to reschedule .. So i figured Murphy's law was going to play into effect here.

So I kept checking his temp throughout that day, but he never had a fever. So I figured, it was just going to be "that kind of day". Well, the next day .. I received the same reactions of meltdowns when placing him down for naps ... He would get a little mad, grunt, start working up the cries then would hit def-con level around 10 minutes of attempting a nap.

I figured it must be just another one of those days. Well this pattern has now continued for a week and a day. (this is how long I have been back to work) So I figure now thre is a reason for this .... I am just unable to pinpoint exactly why.

Now def-con level is reached ~2 minutes of attempting to give him a nap and is now spilling over into bedtime. So FUN TIMES at the Fertilized household.

I have put alot of brain power in trying to figure out how to "fix" the problem. Today, I told my husband, to try and offer him more food, Maybe he is hungry. We will see if that helps anything.

Before all of this, We had a really good established bedtime pattern. So last night, we attempted the bedtime gear up ... bathed, pj's, some bfing, diaper check and then I place him down, awake but calm .... put the blanket over his head ..... a few minutes later, he enters dream world ...

Last night was our absolute worst night thus far in 6 months. We did everything like normal. He was fine at first .. then all hell broke loose ... he started to gnash, wraith and fuss .. So I stopped bf-ing him and was trying to figure out what was wrong.... I look back now and think he almost fell asleep and was trying to keep himself awake. He started rooting for more bf-ing so I held him and got him latched back on .... next thing I remember was he bit the crap out of me so freaking hard that I yelped, screamed, pushed him towards my chest and flicked him in the face all at the same time .... He Laughed ... I was DONE ..I looked down and there was blood all over his face, his pj's, my tanktop etc... I was beyond pissed off and in pain .. E took him and placed him in his bed. MT screamed and screamed and screamed some more ... I felt horrible, guilty, confused, pissed, sad, desperate, etc.

E said that he needed to lay there and cry for a good few minutes. I was in pain and cleaning myself up that I actually found myself agreeing to let my child lay there and cry for a while. After standing near the door watching/listening to him for a while, I went in there and rubbed his stomach and face trying to get him to calm down. He screamed harder and louder. I flipped him over on his tummy and tried patting his little bottom .. he still continued to scream and scream ... I just finally had enough. I picked him up, tried swaddling him and shushing. It worked for a while, then he lost it all over again ..... After about a hour of this, I offered him a 2oz bottle, he drank 1 oz and conked out ....

I am not sure if this is the new norm, a phase, an effect of my going back to work part time, teething, or an unknown variable that we do not even know about yet. What I do know is that what ever this is .. It is not in the least bit enjoyable ... We will pull through, We will survive. We will. But Man o' man, what a challenge.

I am looking forward to being off work for a week. I am not looking forward that in that time off I have to take MT to have surgery Monday.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Sweater Christmaweseomeness

I read the funniest thing off another blog that originated on Jon Acuff's blog over at

Please enjoy:
I think all women over the age of 40 have a hidden walk-in closet built into their houses that is full of bedazzled, bejeweled, and bespangled (which is a real word…click the link if you don’t believe me) Christmas sweaters. The day after Thanksgiving, they go into their secret chamber of wooly Christmas spirit and arrange the shelves of the closet like an advent calendar of sweatery splendor. They adorn each one proudly, with the majesty and merriment of all the snow angels in the world.

So, here’s the big question: how can you know if your Christmas sweater is truly Christmawesome?

Official Point System of Sweater Christmaweseomeness:
1. If your sweater has a nativity scene = +1 point

2. If your sweater has lights on it = +1 point

3. If your light is for Rudolph’s nose = -1 point

4. If your light is for the star of Bethlehem over your nativity scene = +4 points

5. If your sweater has actual bells and whistles from the Polar Express tied on by pieces of yarn = +2 points

6. If you can hear the bells = -2 points

7. If every time one of the bells rings, you get excited because an angel just got its wings = + 1 point

8. If your sweater has Luke 2 written out on it (the entire chapter) = +3 points

9. If it is KJV = +2 points

10. If it is actually a puff paint sweatshirt, which is really just a Christmas sweater wannabe = -3 points

11. If your sweater was knitted from the wool of a Bethlehemian sheep = +5 points

12. If you have more than 5 snowmen/women on your sweater = +2 points (+1 point for each additional snowperson)

13. If any of your snowmen are inspired by Calvin and Hobbes = +4 points

14. If it is a maternity sweater that reads “Mary is My Homegirl” = +10 points

15. If your sweater has stockings with your kids’ names on it = +1 point for each child

16. If the stockings are your kids’ used socks = -2 points for each sock

17. If it has a 3-D hologram of baby Jesus on it = +3 points

18. If it has candy canes on it = -4 points… I’m going to use this platform of SCL to take a stand against candy canes, a.k.a. carnage canes. Candy canes become sharp and dangerous once licked. It's like putting an ice pick in your mouth and poking it around. I'm sorry, but if I want the flavors of mint and blood to mix in my mouth, I'll go to the dentist. This injustice needs to stop now, so we're starting a boycott of candy canes effective immediately. I think it’s the Southern Baptist roots in me that really wanted to start a boycott. That’s why I started Humans Against Candy Knives, or H.A.C.K. Join the fight on the Facebook group I started.

19. If it has any other kind of cane on it= +2 points. This could be one of the wise men’s canes, sugar canes, or even hurricanes. Just as long as they’re not candy canes.

How did you score?

0-3 points= Sorry to break the news, but you might be a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.

4-7 points= You’re rockin’ a mighty fine piece of holiday merriment, my friend. Just don’t wear your sweater and your light up reindeer antlers at the same time. That would be tacky.

8-10 points= “Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor, and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.” –Job 40:10

11-13 points= Bill Cosby called. He wants his sweater back.

14+ points= You are the embodiment of Christmawesomeness. There are probably three men coming from afar to shower you with gifts as you read this.Less than zero points= Apparently you love candy canes.

How Christmawesome are your Christmas sweaters? Please post links in the comments section to a picture of you sporting your sweater.

Monday, December 15, 2008

a white flag?

i re-read my last post and I wanted to clarify that just because some times the eyes instantly shut, this does not mean that the cries or tears do ;) It just can't be that simple ..... I wish. But I do feel that as time goes on, The naps come easier and the days get more fluid. ... Some days.

I witnessed my cute lil baby totally play into my husband yesterday. I was off to the grocery store and We were having a rough morning of screaming and tears for no reason we were able to figure out. I called E to let him know that I was on my way home and could still hear a screaming child in the background (i left 55 mins ago)... E said that MT still did not want to be put down at all. So E was playing with him while holding him on the floor. I was dragging the groceries in and E wanted to jump in the shower. I told E to just put him in the exersaucer, I was almost done, I would grab him as soon as I had all the cold things put away. MT screamed as if E had slammed his hands in a car door ... Until E walked away from him ...... As soon as E was out of his sight line, He stopped crying and started playing with the toys on the saucer. THIS IS HUGE For us .. MT has NEVER actually stopped crying before on his own with some one having to do something about it. To say that he comes complete with my stubbornness would be an understatement. I felt so giddy with glee that he actually stopped crying on his own ..... Granted it was the first time I actually remember him stopping on his own w/o getting what he wanted but I am proud none the less. I hope that means that we will get a few more of these situations where he is able to do this in the future. Normally if he gets to crying and being upset, He will outlast the energizer bunny unless we cave .... but yesterday, he retreated .. and I feel more confident that there is room to learn and adjust.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

6 months

Little Late but .. Have I mentioned that I have a 6 month old ... Where does the time go?

Things note worthy:

  • MT thoroughly enjoys standing. He likes to hold onto your fingers, or his bouncy chair, etc and rock from foot to foot (side to side). He could do this for hours. He gets weary but insists on still trying.
  • We had a bedtime routine down. A week before I went back to work, He decided he would demand a new bedtime routine that resembles chaos ... Just to keep us guessing. I was told that from 4-6 months they can develop a new sleep routine .... I guess we are one of those statistics? But We will make it work. It's not that terrible, So far once we get him to sleep, he will sleep for about 7-10 hours .. So I am not complaining at all. It just was one more thing that I was not expecting.
  • He can fully sit on his own and pull himself up on things.
  • He rocks the exersaucer back and forth until it looks like it is totally going to tip over ...
  • He is finally eating solids pretty much every day. This still seems very complicated to me. I am still trying to figure out when is best to feed him the solids and still get the amount of liquid intake. I don't know why this is so tricky for me. (still no cereal, he hates it and just spits it all out ..every bite, Even if I mix something that he likes in it)
  • The MT that was holding his bottle pretty much all the time a few months ago, has decided that I should hold all his bottles. Unless he wants to use it as a chew toy
  • We have days were I can just lay him down for a nap and he will just close his eyes and go to sleep. Then I have days that require alot of tears before sleeping is involved. Since MT was little, we would place a blanket over him while holding him. Like one may do if they are breastfeeding. Well, this is something that he has grown accustom to. He sleeps with a blanket covering his head. In fact, If i want him to take a nap , I have to place a blanket over his head and most days, he instantly closes his eyes. (please - no stories and don't judge me and yes I understand) I do get lots of disapproving looks and comments but Sleep is needed and sleep we will get.
  • He has quite the temper. He will let you know about it. Loudly. I am actually worried about this trait as he gets older. I will mostly deal with this situation when we are able to understand each other.
  • He is pretty demanding. Maybe all babies are. He hates tummy time still. I can maybe muster up 5 mins here and there but only If I am (or someone else) is down on the floor with him. If not you will get to see his temper in all it's glory. If he decides he just wants to be held, Nothing else will do. Until You can distract him with something else. Am I learning him or Is he learning me ... ?!? Then, we have days like today where he never cried at all, except refusing to go to sleep tonight.
  • He is reaching for people when/if he wants to be held and held by a particular person.He started doing this a few weeks ago
  • I beleive he is getting his top tooth already. He already has 2 bottom ones, but it looks like the top tooth is busting through. He is drooling like a flowing fountain
  • His hair is a weird two tone color. It has seemed to lighten up on top. Sometimes is looks blonde, other times it looks reddish still. The back is still like a reddish brown ... Weird. But it is hair and we will take it. His long beautiful eyelashes are red though ... So who knows what will happen
  • He knows when to ham it up already. He loves to coo and jabber when being the center of attention. And he actually seems to know when he is the center of attention ...It's bizarre.
  • He has started getting spooked by strangers. Which i still do not understand why strangers try to get up in babies spaces ... But he has freaked out on a few ... Hope they learned their lesson ;)
  • He loves pirate voices, Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh Matey.
  • It seems like things are easier now. It seems that most days go by smoothly and more things get accomplished. Controlled chaos comes to mind.

I am sure I forgot things that I meant to document. *i may come back and add to the list just for longevity. Life here is good .. regardless of all the frustrating anxiety driven posts. We are enjoying life more than ever. My MIL came over today with her youngest kids and we went to a winter festival. It was actually one of the better visits we have ever had. It was only for a day and they left after we were all done. I consider that a win/win.


Friday, December 12, 2008

Just Words

I left work Tuesday and I was just relieved … It was a rough day. Not for reasons that you would think.

My well meaning co-workers, who I assume, were just trying to make small talk offered their unsolicited opinions about my decision to ask for a p/t work load temporarily.

I decided earlier that day that I was going to be candid with those that asked. I did this in hopes to escape the nasty rumor mill we have a work. (which is incredibly awful at my job) I explained that I asked our boss for a p/t schedule as long she could extend the opportunity to me. I explained that I knew that in the past p/t has not been an opportunity and I understand if p/t was still not an option, but I figured it would not hurt anything to ask. If I am allowed to go to p/t, it will not negatively affect any of my co-workers current assignments what so ever. It will allow my family to determine our financial needs in a real and practical sense. The Paper attempt only goes so far .. if ya know what I mean .. Real life never looks like the paper addition.

I listened to their take on the situation. I tried not to get emotional. I did pretty well taking jabs about my hormone levels being heightened, listening to statements that I made about myself pre-baby, choices as a parent that I have adjusted to and accept, and the state of the economy. Most things that E and I have discussed at length. Then there was the comparison of how opposed to bf-ing I was and how I have managed to adjust to that just fine if not better ….. I should give daycare the same chance as I gave bf-ing. I was told that it’s of the same mindset and those beginning feelings of uncertainty go away over time if that muscle is exercised. I was explained that the feeling of guilt goes away and that children benefit from daycare. And I can try to understand that as much as I can understand. I have to say though; I was slightly offended by the statement because It was such an in your face statement. It was meant to sting a little. It was said in a manner that led me to beleive that it was more of an attack towards me. Phrased in a way that stated, We did you, You can to if you stop being a big wimp about it. That is how I felt about it .. I could be wrong though. I know that I have changed my views leaps and bounds over the past few months. It seems that every day, I continue to write about how I am haunted by many of my past hurts and statements. Well, they just keep coming and coming. I am faced with these over and over again … Consequences of my own actions, I know that … I am not/was not prepared for this part of motherhood in the least bit. I lasted as long as I could and then I just started crying. I tried to explain that the daycare issue was not just that I think MT is too little for daycare. (which i need to clarify as being too young - because i keep getting told that he is not at all a little baby) I am unsure that his personality/needs would thrive in certain environments right now. (but that is another post) It also has to do with our finances. We are calculating working and paying for daycare. As anything in my life, the means have to justify the ends. Will my salary provide our family a better future? Is it all about the bucks? No, Is it all about daycare? No, It’s a complex.situation ..I feel like I am beating a dead horse on this blog topic really..but my heart/mind is plagued.

So, needless to say that after I left work, I was just exhausted. I mean I missed being at home with MT, but I don’t seem to have a problem leaving as long as I am fully confident in his Caretakers ability. I called E as soon as I got in the car. He just tends to makes things all better. He calmed some fear that was placed on me ( I allow this to happen to me over and over). Talked me down off the ladder of despair I was on. He just balances me.
On the drive home I thought about the past year. As 2008 comes to a close, I always try to relate a word with the year. This year the word seems to be Transition … I have gone from TTC for years, to Pregnant, to a mother. Talk about having to deal with a boat load of feelings/issues in a relatively small amount of time. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, and was undergoing treatment, but then Bam, One day everything changes. I was injecting med’s to assist folly growth, then Overnight, I became pregnant. No I am not complaining – Of course I was hoping to achieve pregnancy some day, But I did not allow myself to consider that eventually I would actually be pregnant. Then I had 10 months to adjust to pregnancy. But what I discovered in those 10 months is that most of that time is pressed to prepare for what comes after the pregnancy. So I felt like I was trying to adjust to pregnancy but being hurried to plan for motherhood .. I understand they are usually directly related …. But I didn’t directly relate them much. Then one morning I woke up and found out that I was going to deliver a baby. Then I delivered said baby and now I am here. In this place where I am now called a Mother ..It’s very daunting to try and sort through all of this in a very limited time frame. I am sure it is done with ease by many..but I guess I am just slow ..So, Here I am trying to sort through all of what has become …. Do you have a word that you will associate 2008 with?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

All this

inspired by a question from another blogger :
"And so this is a very personal question but I wonder how faith has informed your journey -- if it has."

This post was going to be a comment as a question asked from another blogger's post. Then I decided I should just share it on my blog because I have actually never really written about this touchy/taboo/forbidden topic

I was raised Me.tho.dist with a ba.ptist mother and a met.hodist father who met at a metho.dist college.
Somewhere between the age of 4-6 as a child growing up going to sunday school, I asked my mother if the nursery rhyme about Mary having a little lamb was about Jesus because of stories I was told at sunday school and the experience of going to a public elementary school where religion was not discussed.

In Junior High, church was more about my socialization than anything. There were people there that I liked hanging out with and my parents didn't ever mind taking me to any church event. So, It was a win win situation.. Middle School Years were very hard for me. It was such an awkward stage of growing up .. and the friends I met at church made it easier to deal with every day life ... It's actually amazing that Most of my friends from Middle School Years still keep in touch one way or another

In High School, I began questioning some of the teachings and lessons learned at our youth church. I was not a complete rebellion, but I did tend to ask alot of questions. I just won't take the "because it says so, or I said so" or Everyone has to believe it route. I investigated on my own. I needed to understand the beliefs before I could believe in them .. And not simply believe because everyone else did. I guess I would be what is considered a skeptic? I was not out right defiant about it. This personality trait did not make me well liked among the leaders but that also was ok with me because I was not creating their Faith and Values, I was creating mine.

In College, I went to many many different organizations and groups just to see what was out there. I ended up finding a group that I spent a few yrs going to. They are funded by the Asse.mbly of Go.d demon.ination. (something I was not familiar with) But the People were really nice and open and I enjoyed their meetings. I actually met E there. (Which is also so strange because E was raised in a Ca.tholic home - even attending Cath.olic schools) . Again, I still did not believe in everything the organization believed in.

My views tend to be many different shades and not all about either black or white all the time.

E and I got married in my church from childhood. It was actually the biggest controversial thing in his family. His father refused to go to his only child's wedding because he didn't think E should marry for one ... another reason being I was not cath.olic. E's mother was married to E's father, but only because she got pregnant at 16 and both were catholic. I am not really sure of the whole reasoning but E says it has something to do with babies needing the spiritual atonement when they come down the birth canal ... E's parents were married for like 10 months, then they divorced. E's mother has since remarried many times but could never be married in the church's eyes again because she annulled her first marriage to E's father then Remarried and divorced him also .... Tangent .. sorry .. all this to say that E's mother was all worried that our marriage would not be legal in the eyes of god because it was not done a ta catholic church. We assured her that the State of Fl would recognize it.

After Marriage, we did alot of church hopping. Mostly because I have this inability to find what I am looking for I guess. I have certain standards/criteria that need to be met. I don't know why really ...

Then a few yrs of TTC did me in with my views and beliefs. I was no longer a believer of some of the same things I used to value. Basically, alot of my personal beliefs were being challenged and I hated it. So I stopped attending churches altogether. I felt like it was pretty pointless. I think it would be fair to say that there were ups and downs with my faith over the past 6+ yrs. But one thing that TTC did have me discover was eastern religions. Breathing, techniques, yoga, acupuncture, herbs, unconventional ways of thinking. Which I really have enjoyed learning about

I also believe me achieving pregnancy has had a positive impact on my values and beliefs and has allowed some healing in unconventional ways. I am not sure I would have been able to understand or get through different situations in the past year w/o the experiences I lacked before strurglling through my TTC years. Eat, Pray, Love and The Shack played a huge part in these healings also. These books (and a few others along with all of your blogs) have allowed me to examine myself and encourage me in so many ways. I have been encouraged to be myself and enjoy the present. I am inspired to learn and understand my surroundings and my beliefs much more than ever before.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Wait and See

My first day of work was more successful than I imagined. I could not have dreamt up a better first day back actually ..

I got up, showered, pumped and left for work ..... Had a talk with my boss about MT's upcoming surgery, no daycare, and wanting to work part time on the days that E has off ... She was receptive and open. I have the go ahead to work p/t on E's days off until the end of the year. This will get us to the other side of MT's surgery and on the track to finish getting him vaccinated. She is going to talk with her boss about seeing how far into next year I can work part time (i am hoping for March- dreaming for June). All of this will buy me more time to see if working is going to be good for us and if so, allowing me to find the right care for MT ....

Really, In my mind, It doesn't get any better than that .. She didn't say no, she was receptive and understanding ... She is giving me an opportunity that I am very grateful for ... I could not ask for more .... We will see how this pans out. I am cautiously hopeful ...

Work itself was slow and boring ... Reading new policies, checking voice mail and email ... Getting re-acquainted with all the office staff and equipment..... It really wasn't bad. I attribute that to knowing that MT was under E's care and I was not at all worried about either of them. I drove home thinking that the drove was too long. I went into work much later than I would have liked to .. I tried to wait for MT to wake up and now we know that I just need to pump in the mornings and leave instead of waiting around... I want to get home before 6:45 like I did tonight ... I walked into the "witching hour", MT just wanting to nurse and nurse and nurse .. Me, trying to cook dinner and get him a bath ... So we know that I definately need to get to work much earlier in order to not come home into all that again ..... Here's to hoping I make it in much earlier tomorrow .... The problem with that is I am not sleepy yet ans the alarm will go off WAY too early .. I have been a bit spoiled .....

On a different note:

MT went to see Santa Last week .... He did well .. the picture isn't the best, but Here it is .. His First Santa ..


Santa 001

He had just woken up from a nap so he has the sleepy face, but It's better than screaming.

Well, I better get to bed, work comes early ... Oh one bad thing about going back to work .... They blocked Google Reader and Gmail ... What will I ever do? It's like they except me to work or something.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Show and Tell #4 Young Love



We had just started dating. I love him more now than I thought was possible. I only hope to say that in another 9 yrs.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Some things are only learned from the depths

*If you are not pregnant and still in the throes of IF, you may want to skip this post for another day. I do think it's worth the read ..but just wait until you are in a better place ... Because If i was to have read this post a year go, I might have wanted to throw a finger up at the computer screen or just roll my eyes ... and i completely understand

You know by now, I am not very poetic. I am not extremely puny, witty or a literary genius. I wish .. I read so many post and I am just desperate to have an ounce of the creativity you guys have .... What I do have is the ability to over share and be quite blunt.

I keep hearing about this recession we are having and how the economy is in a bad way and all these things. People losing houses, jobs, etc... And here I am .... Having to care for the baby we always wanted in this sinking economy. I keep hearing myself think things like "It's the best of times, It's the worst of times ...." from that book ... Because for me, It is the best of times in what may look like heading towards the worst of times. We have made it 5 months+ ..which means I will soon have a 6 month old. Which means my Maternity leave is almost up (and we have managed to stay on course with our measely budget and salary) ... I swear time has flown by. Some days have felt like they were 40 hours, but other days I blinked and it was over too quick. I am writing this post as a brain dump as I approach the emd of my maternity leave. I am supposed to go back to work Monday ... As in 4 days.

I have talked about the evolution of me before ... And I have mentioned in many past posts about how all I seem to do these days are eat my words, evolve, feed, nap, change diapers, and try harder next time. ... I feel like these past 6 months have only been more changes and evolutions of more of me's in ways that I never had imagined possible.

You know that annoying commercial that says having a baby changes everything? I hated that commercial .. It's so trite. But now, I think, that commercial is sooooo misunderstood and so lacking. I mean, I knew before hand that having a baby changes everything. That part isn't rocket science. I appreciate the attempt of what the commercial is trying to portray. But, Honestly, I do not think that there is any other way to learn about these changes that the commercial is referring to except by having to live through them. There are SO many things that I was not considering at all. (and let it be known that I so do not think a commercial(or anything) could even begun to explain any of the amount of change that has happened to me in the past 6 months.) I don't want to bore anyone with the details today ... But I will say that about 1% of my maternity leave has gone the way I thought it would. This is not a bad thing. It just goes to show me that I have done totally different things than I had imagined I would be doing. It also shows me that I am learning, evolving, experiencing and opening up my options more. I am branching out. Trying new things, finding my niche per say. Which is another part of what Infertility and blogging has allowed me to do with myself. And it's be so much fun .. then there are times of not so much fun ..

I have read on so many blogs this week from my pregnant comrades about the economy, daycare, jobs, diapers, formula, all this amount of baby loot, having to make huge decisions and having to make them RIGHT NOW .... and I just want to encourage you .. You can do this ... Whatever your "this" is .. You can and will make it.. You will find ways to pull ideas together and make "it" happen. Yes raising a baby is expensive, Yes you will need some things ... but honestly you will start to realize that Things are just things ....... marketing and people try to think you NEED THEM OR ELSE ... It's so overwhelming and so not right to have to make so many decisions with 109,880 Million hormones running through your system .... It's Tough for you ... trust me... I know it is ... I understand your burdens. I understand your number crunching, I understand your inability to get a budget to balance .. I understand you inablitlity to see where the money will come and where the savings with happen. I was amazed at the money we had but did not need to spend while on maternity leave. I encourage you to know that, It Will work... Because, It just does...And because, you have choices ... Choices that you do not even know about yet.

I say all of this because when I went out on Maternity Leave ... I had it all nicely planned out .. Daycare, Return date, budget, Work Schedule ..... and Here we are 4 days left and I have nary remnants of what I had decided and planned out back then. I wish I could say that all things are squared away just like we planned ... but Like my life tends to be ... I have gone and made it a little more "exciting" or complicated or messy. You choose the wording. The situation: ... I received a call stating that I had until a certain day to pay for our daycare spot. I didn't do it. I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. You know the daycare I picked out in February. ... I put my unborn childs name on the waiting list ... that daycare. A week ago ... Hell, It's been over a month now that I have cried over "what to do". I have cried over the decisions, I prayed, I talked it out w/E, I have lost loads of sleep, caused anxiety .. You name it. And Still, I do not have a concrete decision made. The circumstances and limitations of using that daycare facility would not enabled me to be the parent I have become over the past almost 6 months. The parent that I want to continue to be. The parent that the pre-baby me did not think was an option. There are unthinkable options, things change, Ideas develop, Situations arise, Life Changes, Priorities change, The future holds change ... Things can be done differently. It may not look like a US Sitcom, but it can be done. I have some idea of what I would like to happen next week ... But most importantly, I know what I am willing to do for my family Now and it looks and sounds VERY different than what I thought would be the right choice for our family months ago. I know understand so many things that I just could not understand when I was seeking treatment and prior. It's all about sacrifices and what you want to do in life. That is not the same for everyone. It doesn't have to be, We are allowed choices.

I could use your good thoughts and prayers if you wish .... This may scare some of you who are in the decision process now but I am hoping not.. I hope it allows you to take some pressure off yourself. Relax and enjoy where you are, and think unconventionally. We all know we are survivors ... We will do whatever it takes to get a job done .. Even if it means unconventional means ... It is ok to think outside the box ..It is ok to not do it the way you thought it would be done ... It;s ok to be yourself and not do things hte way everyone thinks it needs to be done. Have faith in yourselves .. We have a huge community of support ...

So there it is . ... It's out there .. and I will not fear what is next ..I am just trusting and living .. ... It will be what it will be. This is a new type of living for me. If anyone knows me, knows that this is 100% NOT the old me.. The old me planned EVERYTHING. I do not go outside the box. I do thinkgs the way the major do it. I am not a real risk taker.... I have back up plans for my backup plans .... But like the trite commercial says, Having a baby changes everything ....

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Thanks Giving

Gobble Gobble

My husband gave alil more than I would have liked him to. Remember me complaining that He had been sick for like a month now .... Well, He finally shared his germs my way.

On Thursday, Thanksgiving .. MT and I got up early and drove to my parents house in time to see the parade. I wasn't feeling that great but figured it was due to lack of sleep. Around lunch time, I began feeling pretty achy. I was trying to tough it out since E was at work and my parents were making food and hostessing. Time to eat ..I thought I would feel better after I ate .... but it only got worse. Around 5pm, I decided that I should take my tempt because I noticed I was shaking. It was 101.5 I asked my mom to watch MT and I went and took a nap on the couch. By 7pm, I was just feeling awful. Everything hurt eyelids ached. E got off work and came over to my parents for dinner. Only to find me in miserable shape. After he ate dinner and watched a movie, We loaded up the car and drove home. We left his car there, I didn't think I was in any shape to drive. Around midnight, All hell broke lose. I could no longer keep anything down. I lost my lunch over and over and over again ..... if you catch my drift. It was uncontrollable and unstoppable. This continued into the morning. I called my dr and they got me right in. Temp was still 101.5 and climbing.... She insisted that I had food poisoning. I told her no one else had any problems with dinner, just me. Then she did a pregnancy test ... If I would have been feeling better, I would have really laughed about the whole urine pee test ... but whateve ..... She said that it looks like I have a bladder infection because of my pee being so dark. I told her that was probably dehydration .... She agreed and took back the rx for the antibiotics. .... She was closing and instructed me that if I vomited anymore and could not keep fluids down, I needed to go to the ER...... *not much help - things I already knew. Well, I wasn't even able to get out of her office without throwing up. But I went home and tried to sleep it off .... but there was no chance of that, My stomach had other plans .... SO basically after putting it off .. I called my mother to meet us at the ER so she could watch MT while we waiting in the ER ..... Believe it or not Black Friday is a slow day for the ER ..We were in an out in under 2 hours. I was given 2 bags of IV and 2 rounds of zof.ran (my savior drug). They sent me home with ph.ene.rgan rx. I took that for 2 days and I feel like an almost whole person again. I still have a headache, I think I am alil dehydrated still ..I am working on that though ....

Somewhere in all of this, My parents (that god they live close) kept MT over night. Friday night when My mom picked him up at the ER, I was talked into just letting him stay with him. It was the best for everyone. I Thank God that they are able to do that for us ..because I was in a bad way for a while. Bad news is that this is the way my husband started out sick 1 month ago .... I cannot be sick for 1 month .. I do not have the patience for that.

Also - Did I mention that My MIL was supposed to come over Saturday but E called her and told her not to because of me not feeling well and were on our way to the ER. She repeatedly went on and on about how that was NOT convenient to her schedule (me being sick). She wants to see her grandson and she has off that day .... and hasn't seen him in months...... . blah blah blah ..... (no one has stopped her from seeing MT - she has just pre-occupied with other issues ... and now that issue is back in jail, she is bored and lonely) E had to remind her that we were on our way to the ER and that he had to go ... this woman is so obnoxiously selfish ......

But onto brighter endings .. MT is now able to sit up in his own.
(this is him Skyping with his Auntie M for thanksgiving)

A cool stool a friend of mine gave him .. We pull up the bumbo seat and use it like a table so far - notice the droool ...Yes we are still teething

Two Teeth