Thursday, March 29, 2007

It's that Time

Day 22 on Metformin, CD 31 (period........ are you kidding me ......seriously, .....where are you ??)

Here is the history of my last couple of cycles: (and 1/2 of the reason I'm extremely frustrated):
Sept was 25 days
Oct was 25 days
Nov was 25 days
Dec was 42 days
Jan was 32 days
Feb was 36 days
Consistant - the only thing consist ant about these numbers is that they are inconsistent :(

I had a laproscopy and the HSG done sept 12. They ruled out endometriosis, blocked tubes, and that I did have ovaries .. Just 2.75 of them. Yes i had .75 of another ovary that was stuck inside my Fallopian tube. At the time, of the lap/hsg,I remember the Dr saying "I swear that is an extra ovary but we are going to biopsy this just in case." Sure enough, came back and it was part of an ovary. I wish I could remember what side it was in, but I can't. WEIRD! Yes I know. Just add it to the rest of the other features I can come up with on why I'm a freak of nature. I am assuming that I had all kinds of "extra" hormones running through my body - no freakin wonder I haven't yet delivered a child.

My regular gyn made me wait until November to start my clomid treatments with monitoring to see if I ovulated. (which take a quick look at sept/oct - both cycles were 25, my cycles were always about 25-28 days the first month then every now and then, I'd get a 30-36 days cycle to get my hopes up)

I started out with a 50mg dosage days 3-9 - I did not ovulate - but started my period on time, she increased the dosage to 150mg days 3-9, I did not ovulate - and my period had to be medically induced with progesterone. Then she "gave up" on me and told me I needed more help than she could prescribe.

Then I found out that I have PCOS - and that won't help me get pregnant - It's more drugs to ingest on a daily basis .... and more statistics against the odds ....
What I'm feeling right now is the more I seek treatment and help getting pregnant, the more my cycles are getting messed up. (oooooooor...... my body is adjusting to losing .75 of an ovary that may have very well been producing hormones and now I am getting a true indication of what my periods were/are supposed to be like.)

Either way - it has not helped me get pregnant, and I am getting very frustrated. I know all the: "just relax", "it will happen", "next month", "not your time", "God knows what he is doing", "it's not the end of the world", "look on the bright side", "stay positive", etc and many other justifications and consoling words that are offered at times like these. And none of them comfort me or make me feel better. and I'm thinking they should ...

I'm not depressed or anything, I'm just human and rational and real. This week 2 additional people I know called or wrote to tell me that they are pregnant, One additional person made my other already pregnant friends tell me that she was pregnant, my closest friend is 18 weeks pregnant with her first (and her sister and I are planning her shower), my other closest friend is 28 weeks pregnant with her second - I am having to plan both showers for them - ( 2 showers each - 1 at work and 1 outside of work). I am not really complaining - it just is a bit overwhelming. I hate weeks like this ... the stress is on at work and then the stress heats up my "inability to ovulate". I WISH I KNOW HOW TO STOP THESE NEGATIVE FEELINGS. I wish that I could just believe that it will happen when it happens and it will be the greatest thing in my life thus far .... Why can't I believe that?? Why is that so intangible for my mind? I can believe alot of things.... but I have trouble with this one ... next week will come, I will go back to being happy for pregnant people and planning showers and laughing about how stupid I was to feel overwhelmed about this topic. ..... bring on next week

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Eat what you are Served

I have been so busy lately with work, preparing for a training completion date of March 30. BOY I can not wait for this to be over - i wish i could go into it more but am really afraid that it would cross lines- It has really added extra stress in my life that is rather unneeded.

Well here is an update: Day 20 on Metformin, CD 29 (period ..where are you ??)

Now let me warn you about my diet. I have had some work situations that I ended up working 15 hours on saturday and 16 hours on sunday. I was having to travel to a from location that was not condusive to having restrooms near or being able to prepare my own meals. Therefore I had to adjust. As in real life situations, I had to eat what I was served. While i was busy, working and traveling, this above message created a bit of an irony for myself. "having to eat what i was served" now has a few different messages. one - learn to adapt and go with the flow, be flexible, creative and professional, and work with the situation at hand - in short ADAPT. For many of us, we know people that can not adapt well, and I, at times, can be that person. I feel threatened by changes or broken plans and I let that get to my inner core and just eat away at my life- when I should just say Ok, it is what it is - and ADAPT. two- just like in life, things have changes, seasons, cycles, foods, lifestyles, medicine, laws, atmosphre, etc on and on we can add to this list. and with all these changes.

Now here is the practical assessment: I was so hardpressed to "make this lifestyle work for me" I am greatful for the ability and will power I had to cut out wheat, yeast and sugars except those in natural fruits. It was a good 25 days of discipline and I can not tell you how rewarding it felt for me to be able to do this for as long as I did. It gave me a greater appreciation and understanding for how my body reacts to foods. Also- i notice that with the metformin, i am NEVER hungry. I do not know if that is a good or a bad thing? I will have to ask my dr at the next appointment.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Calling all Met-xperts

Lets hope that this week is not so chaotic for me as last week. Here is an update:

Day 12 on Metformin, CD 21, 20 days w/o chocolate, caffeine, sugars (besides those that are naturally in fruits),and white flour. However - I went out to dinner on Friday and I had Linguine pasta w/Mussels. (the pasta was white pasta - I wanted it really bad- it was a better choice then something fried I think) Also, we went to the Renaissance Festival on Saturday and I had a bag of Cinnamon Almonds, Cashews and Pecans. I do not think of it as cheating, that would have a negative connotation and I do not want that. I chose to eat these knowing that my body and my brain are going to start getting along. I could have and used to eat a corndog and some type of loaded with calories dessert washed down with a coke or something of the like. But these past 20 days have taught me a thing or two. The most important is that I have will-power and I will use it against which ever entity refuses to cooperate and I will not be glutinous. This new mindset will make me more healthy and disciplined in the long run.

I have had a very good experience on Metformin. I am rather confused about this - everyone talks about how horrible the side effects are. Don't get me wrong, I recall the Wet/Dry vac scenario. But that is just 2 days out of 20. I am also confused on my weight issues. Keep in mind, I have stuck to a very strict plan for 20 days. I would have thought that by now, I would see a difference in the way clothes fit on me. I don't mean they should be falling off my boney frame, but they should feel looser or I should need to go up a belt notch. But I don't. Maybe in 10 more days, I will see something. I just always heard that if you cut out sodas and replace with waters, you will see a difference.

As far as ovulation - I don't believe it happened- I have not had any CM nor do I use a kit since the Dr said I don't ovulate. Those sticks are expensive. Especially, if you don't ovulate. They make you use about 20 sticks a month at $50 a box of 30. I decided that in 2 periods, I am going to start using the fertility monitor again. Just to see. That will be 3 cycles into the diet change. I would just like to see if that helped me any. I am not even sure I fully understand the CM thing being that I can honestly say that I have not experienced that in years - and by years I mean probably 10 years.

Anyone else know or know how to tell if Metformin is "working"?

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Hurry up, Wait

Is this week over yet - I wish it would hurry up......ironic -because Hurrying and waiting - thats all I have managed to do all week long- i wont go into much detail about work - but all i do is hurry and wait- i waste a huge part of my day hurrying to meet someone to help me only to wait for them to get there - what is this about - after this waiting occured, I was informed that I have a huge deadline that must be met march 30- and absolutely no later -no sirree bob - must be done. Then I scurry to another Hurry up and wait session 30 mins after the first no so great H/W session to find out that there "new circumstances beyond "our" control and we(meaning I) have another deadline that must also be met in 3 weeks - april 6th- with no exceptions - WHOA nellie - and I realized this week that I am without a doubt an emotional eatter - this leads into
Day 8 on Metformin, CD 17, 16 days w/o chocolate, cafeine, sugars (besides those that are naturally in fruits),and white flour.

*warning potty talk*

Tuesday - that was a horrible day for me, I have been feeling great, headacheless, and happy and upbeat - nothing like an hour and 45 minute commute ( that should only be 35 mins) to start your day off - plus I had a Met Moment- what i refer to when my bowels suddenly feel the need to explode all over - I took my Met in the morning before I left this house after i ate a apple and a little bowel of fiber cereal - Bad combo when it takes you 1hr 45 mins to get to work - I was in the car- mad from traffic - then all of a sudden- gerggle gerggle- NOT good sounds when you know there is no where to stop and use the bathroom descretly. I was sweating, and frustrated and starting to tear up ( amongst other things "up"). There was an accident at every interstate, intersection, light you name it - traffic was a nightmare - and all I could think of was "i am going to have to call my boss and explain to her that I was on my way to work but I am know using the dirt devil wet/dry vac and I will not be able to make it back to work today" But to my astonishment, I was able to "hold it" until I ran from the parking lot to the restroom. (phew, wow, that could have been a disaster)

Being that I admitted that I am an emotional eater - and not being allowed to have such foods that i want to indulge in, I have found out that I am capable of dealing w/o the need for "such foods".

*** i am in a hurry up and wait situation .. I will finish posting later on my cycles and such seeing that this IS supposed to be an infertility blog and all

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Met Day 3

well, i am still continuing my Insulin Resistance Diet - and its now day 11 w/o chocolate, caffeine, white flour and fast food (including Starbucks). It is day 3 of Metformin, and CD 12. Got all those numbers running through my head. With that all said- I feel wonderful!! I have not had any major withdrawals or hunger fits. However, I am tired of planning and preparing meals - and i need to up my water intake tremendously. I do have more energy and ability to not feel tired or hungry all the time. There was an immediate feeling of not being hungry. SO all these health nuts may have a point with eating "weird organic" foods. Favorite snack right now is an apple with organic honey nut peanut butter. I think my faith is increasing in alot of areas as well.

**Warning semi-graphic Bathroom talk**

As for Metformin - I had my first "experience" with liquid poo Wednesday night. I spent alot of time in the bathroom that night after my HSG. I blame it on the metformin but i don't really know. Rinse and repeat my bathroom experience on Thursday as well. Friday, I ate lunch, then about 15 mins later - went running to the bathroom and threw it all up. I spent the rest of hte day extremely nauseous until about 5. I ate dinner, took another pill , came home. I felt better until after BD'ing (remember it is cd12 - however i have not "charted" or been keeping track on my OPK since December- i still think that by chance i still "may" ovulate and I don't want to miss the opportunity even though my dr said i will not ovulate until i either lose more weight or have more metformin and clomid combo) After BD'ing OH BOY !! i was sooo sick to my stomach- nauseous and hot flashes and etc.

today - so far so good on the no bathroom trips and feeling nauseous.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Bring out the MET Welcome Wagon

Well, Today I had a HSG(hysterosalpingogram). This is an x-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes which allows visualization of the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes. It will show any abnormalities or blockages - Which I am happy to report I " have no blockages and a pretty uterus". YAH ME, Two things are not completely crap!!! I am not completely broken. Although, after I received that joyeous news - i should have seen the bad news coming. So as you remember from my previous post about the The Institute of Vampyric Research ( they took 15 tubes of blood and the results are in ... *drum roll please ...............I am a repeat spontaneous aborter. LOVELY, Not only am i over weight, but my body eats the fertilized eggs. Yes I know that sounds disturbing but that was one of the images I got in my head as he the Head of Vampyric Research was discussing my results. The other image is not pretty and i will not describe it. Ok back to the results -
I have 2 major things that are causing my miscarriage: 1- my autoimmune (it was a bunch of letters MTHLMF or something like that (as my Husband refers to it as wtflmao because he said it was my body laughing at us or taughting us - " Dare ya to bring in a fertilized egg .... DO , it heheheh DO IT"- yes my husband is just as nuts as I am). It basically causes me to reject and treat the fertilized egg as a virus, WEll isnt that Productive - I bet if it was the Flu - it would totally let Mr Flubug RIGHT IN but nooooo not a fertilized Egg.
2- Clotting Disorder- I have a higher amount of coagulation than most. Atleast #2 is easy to maintain - i just take an 81mg aspirin a day.

#1- Well, #1 is making me alittle uncomfortable - or that may be the HSG cramping ;). No serioulsy, With #1, I have to inject luvenox in my body as soon as i find out that I am pregnant - in hopes to deter Mr. WontplaybytherulesImmunesystem. Oh and call the DR. and then I will take Prednisone until like week 18 and then he will ween me off. A steroid. I'm just a tad freaked out .

..Don't get me wrong, I am very glad to know what is "wrong" with me and get a diagnosis. Im a lil worried about the getting pregnant and spontaneous aborting and having to take steroids. PHEW, thats a lot to digest in one day. Also - I am now a member of the Metformin Club - AKA the Liquid Bathroom Pill - and boy today I spent ALOT of time in the el bano. I wonder if that was from the Met or the HSG - maybe Both

Monday, March 5, 2007

"You're Just Fat, Get Over it and Exercise"

I hope that link will work. Those poor girl on the TODAY Show had a 93 lb ovarian tumor. (if the link doesnt work - im sure if you goggle 93 lb ovarian tumor - u will find her)

Here is my beef when dr.s' insist that all fat people are eatting the "bad" foods and leading lazy lifestyles and they should be ashamed of themselves for eatting the foods that put them in their own miserable situation. Don't get me wrong, I have not eatting brussel sprouts and tree bark for every meal but neither has all the thin/skinny people either. McDonald's isnt just getting rich off the "fat and lazy". Just because a person is thin may not always mean they are more healthy than an overweight person. Dr's REALLY need to be more sympathetic and do their job to all their patients. If not they are doing an injustice to their profession. I am sure that there are just as many good dr's as there are bad ones. and maybe i am taking this post out on my bad doctors that were all involved in helping me find out why I couldn't sustain a pregnancy and stay/get pregnant - they all blamed me for being over weight - not once thinking that I was overweight because of a system malfuction - a downward spiral of negative emotions and feelings.

I have just been worked up lately about the medical profession - I should back off because i need them to help me - but how.who.when do you trust them and thei infinate knowledge, experience, resources??

Here is an uplifting true story for all of us infertile - A girl on another board i read has had to have 1 tube removed due to ectopic pregnancy and multiple other issues - just got a BFP like a week after she just went to an RE and found out that there was less than 1% chance of them conceiving on her own and that hte DR told her that IVF would be the only way to get her pregnant!!! TAKE THAT you RE Specialist !! (I do hope for her that it is not another ectopic pregnancy) - sorry - today, I am just over Bad Dr's and the Insurance Factor that we all suffer from

I felt the need to post something positive - here is something I Stole from, Hope it will inspire you to trust God.