Thursday, July 12, 2007

More Distractions and My brain on drugs

I hope I didn't offend anyone yesterday. I left a large part out because it just was not for me to blog about - yeah I know that's self censorship- but some time's it's really necessary. I didn't just discover my feelings for secondary infertility from the Resolve meeting. This has been a work in progress over the whole IF ride. It just seemed to become very developed last night at the meeting and made me hyper-aware of some inner and outward struggles about the topic as well. It wasn't the topic of 2nd infertility that made me feel uncomfortable at the Resolve meeting at all. In fact, it was just the opposite. It opened my eyes to a bigger picture and made me more aware of the emotions that go along with wanting something and down right having to experience hell to try and achieve it. I stand by my infertility is infertility regardless theory. I wish I could clarify more but I do not feel at liberty to clear it up right now - so it's just going to be clear as mud for some of you and I apologize. Just KNOW that I have come along way from the person that I was when I started my TTC journey and even though, I still do not have a child(ren), I feel blessed to know/read/be supported by as many of you as I am. *being male, mother of many/few/one, mother of furbabies, wive, sister, daughter, fathers, sons, children, or anything that i left off* It has really opened my eyes and my heart. It has made me feel less like an outsider and at the same time feel like I am an infertility virgin. I feel like we haven't done anything evasive enough to consider myself worthy of being on the team with all of you Warriors. I mean, I have been exposed to Clomid ... There aren't daily needles involved. No timed injections had to be conducted in the Interstate Reststop bathroom (or any other totally weird place that you phenominal woman have been humbled to perform such acts). Reading many of your blogs allow me to see that If/when i dO have to experience another type of treatment, I have plenty of people to consult with. That is a fantabulous feeling.

I have this brain/mouth disorder that really needs to find a filter for many occasions in my life. (Which means I end up having to apologize often or wishing I could go back in time and take things I said back) Some people are more willing to accept my apology then others - but that is life - and I can only try to do better. This is one of the positive lessons that I have taken with me from all of this infertility experience. I also, am not a fantastic writer. In fact, math and science are my top subjects. I was never descriptive enough . I do not have a vast knowledge of vocabulary words. I think the Vocab/English portion of my SAT was quite laughable. If I told some of my friends that I blog, they would be in hysterics because, I hated writing in school. I was never able to "Express myself well enough" in writing or real life matters. My grammar and proofreading ability blows. I always had red pen marks drawn all over my papers. (should I admit my mother has a degree in English - I know I do not make her proud from my writings) But, I have found over the months that, this is very therapeutic for my mind. I am not a touchy feeling person and this has allowed me to experience my emotions is has much as I possibly can. (mostly from reading others who are much better at writing about their feelings than I am - or from the kind and generous people who leave comments that always help). * I didn't mean for this to become a long winded post, welcome to my brain on fertility drugs * I wish everyone a wonderful and safe weekend

7 comments:

butterflyanla said...

Well I have weird feelings about fertile woman who have multiple children. SO go figure. :) You have the right to feel the way you feel. I just think of it as one umbrella "infertility". I want to have at least two children. I feel it is very unfair of J and I to have only one. If after going through all this struggle I find out I could only have one child would I still want to do it? I don't know. I think it is extremely selfish of J and I to have only one. Maybe we will adopt one day. Who know? I worry that When J and I die our would be baby will be left with all the burdens of our deaths and he/she will be left alone. We don't have that big family of cousins to pick up the slack. This is something I worry about everyday. So I can see how women with secondary IF would want another child.

Courtney said...

I am absolutely sure that your mother is incredibly proud of the strong and resilient woman you are today.

While all of us bloggers bring many different writing styles, experiences, etc. to the table, there is no doubt that collectively we share a great deal and can gain so much.

Cibele said...

I loved what you said : "IF is exactly like this ... we are all struggling with the same diagnosis, not the same journey"...
IF has made experiences feelings that I never though I would. Sometimes I also feel an outsider because I haven't gone into the more evasive procedures... so I can relate to how you feel.

Stacy said...

I waned to comment on the REsolve meeting...Keep going! As time goes on the people will sort out and you will ahve an opportunity to meet others. Did Kathy lead it? She was good in the Mind Body for not letting any one person take over. It sucks when that happens. If you feel like you want someone to go with you next time I will. Did Resolve start a web site or discussion group for the Tampa meetings. That really helped a lot of us connect outside of the Mind Body class and keep in touch. It jsut made it easier to get to knwo each other. I hope the next meeting is better!

Trish said...

Once you heard words indicating that a nice romantic dinner and some sexy-sexy time wouldn't make a baby, your IF cherry was busted. You may not be an IF whore yet, but you're no virgin. What binds us together isn't what drugs we take, but how we feel. We're all reluctant members of this really shitty team.

KarenO said...

You know, we hate/abhore it when people indicate that you're not really a woman if you haven't had a child, so we should be more tolerant of our own experiences. No one that really walked the road of Infertility would say your pain is less because you haven't used the big guns (yet).

You said it so well: "We are all struggling with the same diagnosis, not the same journey." So even if you haven't had all the invasive stuff and injections etc, you're experiencing pain too.

Having said that, I'm struggling with the concept of secondary infertility, maybe perhaps having a friend in that situation who didn't tread to lightly on my heart with her comments. But I'll get to understanding it soon! :)

Diana said...

I think your writing is wonderful for the simple fact that you write from your heart and put it out there for all of us to read and comment on!

BTW, I also believe that if you are at the beginning stages of IF with Clomid or farther down the road on IVF #3 we are still in this together and on equal footing.