I hope I didn't offend anyone yesterday. I left a large part out because it just was not for me to blog about - yeah I know that's self censorship- but some time's it's really necessary. I didn't just discover my feelings for secondary infertility from the Resolve meeting. This has been a work in progress over the whole IF ride. It just seemed to become very developed last night at the meeting and made me hyper-aware of some inner and outward struggles about the topic as well. It wasn't the topic of 2nd infertility that made me feel uncomfortable at the Resolve meeting at all. In fact, it was just the opposite. It opened my eyes to a bigger picture and made me more aware of the emotions that go along with wanting something and down right having to experience hell to try and achieve it. I stand by my infertility is infertility regardless theory. I wish I could clarify more but I do not feel at liberty to clear it up right now - so it's just going to be clear as mud for some of you and I apologize. Just KNOW that I have come along way from the person that I was when I started my TTC journey and even though, I still do not have a child(ren), I feel blessed to know/read/be supported by as many of you as I am. *being male, mother of many/few/one, mother of furbabies, wive, sister, daughter, fathers, sons, children, or anything that i left off* It has really opened my eyes and my heart. It has made me feel less like an outsider and at the same time feel like I am an infertility virgin. I feel like we haven't done anything evasive enough to consider myself worthy of being on the team with all of you Warriors. I mean, I have been exposed to Clomid ... There aren't daily needles involved. No timed injections had to be conducted in the Interstate Reststop bathroom (or any other totally weird place that you phenominal woman have been humbled to perform such acts). Reading many of your blogs allow me to see that If/when i dO have to experience another type of treatment, I have plenty of people to consult with. That is a fantabulous feeling.
I have this brain/mouth disorder that really needs to find a filter for many occasions in my life. (Which means I end up having to apologize often or wishing I could go back in time and take things I said back) Some people are more willing to accept my apology then others - but that is life - and I can only try to do better. This is one of the positive lessons that I have taken with me from all of this infertility experience. I also, am not a fantastic writer. In fact, math and science are my top subjects. I was never descriptive enough . I do not have a vast knowledge of vocabulary words. I think the Vocab/English portion of my SAT was quite laughable. If I told some of my friends that I blog, they would be in hysterics because, I hated writing in school. I was never able to "Express myself well enough" in writing or real life matters. My grammar and proofreading ability blows. I always had red pen marks drawn all over my papers. (should I admit my mother has a degree in English - I know I do not make her proud from my writings) But, I have found over the months that, this is very therapeutic for my mind. I am not a touchy feeling person and this has allowed me to experience my emotions is has much as I possibly can. (mostly from reading others who are much better at writing about their feelings than I am - or from the kind and generous people who leave comments that always help). * I didn't mean for this to become a long winded post, welcome to my brain on fertility drugs * I wish everyone a wonderful and safe weekend