Friday, February 29, 2008

Evolution of Me's

This post contains some of my deepest feelings/flaws – regardless of how petty/mean/wrong you view them – please remember that this is my blog with my feelings and I am a work in progress (daily): This post is going to go through my stages/views on this whole thing referred to as pregnancy/motherhood. It’s been brewing for about 5+ months now. I am not sure if this is a normal reaction to pregnancy after experiencing struggles, losses, and let downs or of this is just normal progression through life.

I have been dealing with 2000000000 different emotions lately. It’s more complex emotions than happy, sad, glad etc. Mostly Guilt– Poured on Thick (guilt of all kinds, mostly led by past/present fears, past jealousy, and insecurities)
Pretty much every day since the seeing 2 lines to seeing a heartbeat - I have remembered (or been reminded of) the Pre-TTC (~ college) me Either by other people but mostly my thoughts – Pre TTC-Me would walk around announcing things like “She never wanted kids”; there was always a reason. Too messy, too needy, too loud, too busy, too much responsibility, too (insert whatever excuse here), etc… This statements at that time were Part true, part was said out of fear (of a few things: responsibility, fear that I wouldn’t be able to because my periods have always been wonky, fear of the unknown, fear I would “screw them up”, pass on bad genes or my fused vertebrate, you name it, I have thought it – yes even the really bad or shallow ones) I think I actually wrote a paper in college or stated that I viewed pregnancy as selfish act when we have so many homeless, abandoned, abused, unloved children needing homes.

Then Came fresh TTC me- (right after we got married), something changed, I wanted to be pregnant and have children. Our children. So we tried, and tried, and tried and cried, and had weird things going on with my period – Weird things going on with my body …. Then came a front row seat of watching most of my friends getting married and having children. I started getting saddened by each announcement. The more announcements the more sad and hopeless I felt. We had experienced some difficult things for me to talk about and set-backs. I refused to think/talk about them for the most part. I was embarrassed of me and my body. I would just cry. I suddenly realized I wasn’t so fresh anymore. I was not yet seasoned, but I was sprinkled with bitterness, resentment, angst, anger, depression, fear, panic and many other negative feelings. These were creeping in my daily life. I found it hard to function – I went through waves of emotions over a 4 year period. I would try to concentrate and focus on other things: work, hobbies, new friends (that didn’t have children). I didn’t realize that I was all that bitter and angry alot of the time. I remember saying/thinking (LOTS and LOTS of) things. Things that would protect my heart, mind and soul. I was having a very difficult time determining how to communicate, or how to relate to people. Even how to function with all of the bitter and anger and frustration that I felt inside. It was a bad, bad, bad time in my life. I wanted to not experience those feelings but I just didn't know what or how to get them to leave me alone. There was a quote in a book I read with the barren brigade that basically stated that bitterness and loneliness crept in the characters mind in bed at night torturing her. That was me, insomnia at it's finest. I understood those encounters. I wasn't able to pinpoint how I felt at the time and didn’t realize how hurt and hurtful I could be to myself and others. I just knew that I wanted to give birth to a child really badly.

Then I began the "admitting I need help" phase. The testing phase. I remember thinking, I am trying SO hard to obtain something that only a few years ago I was cursing – So I must be jinxed. It must be fate. I’m doomed. I felt like I had spoken my troubles into existence. It took a few tries to find a good practice, but once found a practice I was comfortable in, the Dr’s were hopeful and very proactive. They listened and tried to explain things and suggested procedures/tests that they wanted to do. I felt like the ball was rolling. It felt good to me. It felt empowering. Knowledge and eliminations were happening and I was actually enjoying it and found out that my body that I hated really wasn’t all that bad. Things could be worse. I had Open tubes, no endo, 2 ovaries with ½ an ovary removed from its weird location. Then came months of monitored anovulatory cycles. Which brought on more experience, frustrations and more pregnant friends. My body/mind shut down, for a while. I become a ball of unpleasantness. I remember saying things to protect my fears, heart, soul. Making deals with myself.

TTC-Me had lofty ideas about being pregnant (and staying pregnant). You know the dream life. Ideal situations. The statements that start of “Well, When I am pregnant I am going to do this, feel this way, act this way, wear this, eat this, never do this, etc”. “Once I have the baby, life is going to be just like this… Usually includes a white picket fence, a husband that Looks like (insert dream man here) and has the greenest grass you have ever seen in your life with a fluffy dog running around. Well- that was TTC-Me - Lots of Grand Ideas/lofty notions with everything planned out accordingly.
When the RE diagnosed me with P.CO.S, (about where this blog starts) I cannot tell you how relieved I was. ( I was a little sad but mostly just excited and relieved). There was a problem. The more I researched, read, discovered about P.CO.S, “It” all started to make since. It gave me some answers on a few pre-ttc experiences I had and lots of ttc experiences we had encountered. I felt like there as a hallelujah moment – where angels come out and sing and shine a big huge spot light on you. When that Light is spotlighting me, I started to rethink some of things that I have said/done in the past slightly … And then this blog picks up and you know the rest of that story.

This blog has provided a new prospective, an opening of my mind, and direct way of therapy for me in many ways and was helping pave the way for a new TTC me. It opened many doors to my heart that allowed me to venture off and heal some past wounds, seek knowledge and know that I am not the only one that has some of these thoughts and feelings. It gave me a place to have some of these thoughts and work through them. Do soul searching and just plain receive simple and genuine support. (It has also been a bit of accountability or a way to keep myself in check)

Pregnant Me – has had a lot of emotions also, as you can see if you want to read back starting in Nov. 07 - But mostly Pregnant Me has been dealing with a lot of grief and guilt brought on by a huge dose of reality. Most of this guilt/grief was directed at TTC-Me but has some to do with the Pre-TTC-Me also. Those Me’s are having to experience something in a very different light than they would have expected. (as most of us struggling do) The pregnant Me is dealing with reality and regrets on many statements, opinions, views, judgements in a major way. The Pregnant Me – is having to deal with MANY numerous consequences from my own thoughts or other individuals. Statements and views I once had now about a reality that I knew nothing about. The Pregnant me found out there are so many things that I didn't realize had to be considered and discussed as a possibility of pregnancy, and preparing for a child. Things that sound bitter and angry now coming back to haunt. (one example, my SMil emailings - which is why that part of my life has been blogged about most recently. It has dredged up more old feelings/situations) I have a very active mind that loves to let me beat myself up pretty good- more than others may/will know. Too many times to really even count. Most of those consequential results are due to my own guilt in my own head. It could be due to hormones, or experiences, life, changes, maturing, I am not really sure – but I am learning and experiencing things that are changing my views. People change. Situations change. And that is why there is compassion and grace. I am now walking through this life, trying to enjoy this pregnancy to it's fullest– because ya know the TTC-Me SAID she “would enjoy every minute of it and NEVER complain”, she “COULD NOT believe those women that complain about being pregnant – It’s the greatest thing in the whole world”. The pregnant me claims that as much as it is the greatest thing in the world (thus far) and I am truly grateful for this experience, it is not all that easy. I am learning. I am changing, My views are changing. My situations are changing. There are times where I now feel like, when I am reminded of the Old Pre/TTC Me – It makes me feel terrible and embarrassed. Then I am reminded of my faith, grace and compassion. I am finding myself always growing and trying to be a better person and trying to conquer/overcome those past memories/experiences. I feel like, through all of this, I am learning the deepest meaning of compassion and grace.

So there it is .. Maybe I am the only person that allows these situations to stay in my over-active mind and beat myself up. This experience for me has been humbling, healing, educational and has put many things in perspective for me. It honestly has allowed me to learn about and apply more compassion and grace to others and myself. I am learning how to let things go. I can not obsess about thoughts/opinions/views that I Had, I have to concentrate on the present and work towards the future to make it better.

Happy Day


Make that Leap.. do something unexpected and risky!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

These are the Days of Our Live ..

The sore throat/achy feeling is back, But I am at work for now.. this is not a good feeling ...

(pre-paring for baby talk) skip to the blue to avoid most of it

Daycare was not that bad- we only have 5 in our area for options. I already narrowed it down to 2 – we went, we visited and we picked. It seems very odd to be discussion daycare needs for an unborn child. I am not comfortable with that scenario at all. But I did want I had to because there are waiting lists … yes our unborn baby is holding a spot for Dec. 08. I am not sure how thrilled I am about that idea at ALL. The daycare we picked is close to our house, and it was the best option for us for now. We put down our non-refundable deposit. I have to say that after delivering this check, I got in the car and cried. Yes the daycare was great, but it just didn’t seem right. E or I have never been in daycare. SO this is all new for us. I am SURE that there is absolutely nothing wrong with day cares. We just wouldn’t know. His aunt and grandmother watched him. My mom was a SAHM after I was born until my sister started kindergarten. Even then, she only was a part time special-education teacher and did not go back full time teaching until my sister was in 4th grade. So she was home with us in the afternoons and every summer. I am glad that we do have options. Don’t get me wrong, But if I end up losing the deposit, it won’t be any sweat off my back …

As for my rings, I guess I should take them off. They are not painful nor stuck – but I do not want that to happen and have to have it cut off or something like I have seen or read about

After the daycare experience – we went to are them and finished up our registry for now. And I got a baby bag.(look here - it ataches to the stroller too) I am waiting for the bedding to come in. When we see the bedding, we will pick out a crib, changing table and any other pieces of furniture we possible will need. I have been surfing through People put baby products on there for free or really inexpensive!! I found a free swing where my parents live ( a few miles up the road), I sent my dad went to pick it up this morning, but it wasn’t where the person told me it would be – so I don’t know what happened there – but no one is out money - I will ask my dad to drive by this afternoon again.

On the SMil stroller/car seat front– she emailed me again and invited us to E’s fathers and her house(s) with pictures. I told E, I really feel weird about that – I would love to take Mini up there but I would feel WAY more comfortable for the first meeting to be not at their house. E’s aunt has taken E under her wing and has a house there and that is where we normally stay. I would feel more comfortable planning on staying at Aunts’ house until I have a chance to actually meet E’s Father.SMil. It just seems weird and I am leery of weirdness – plus with a new baby and knowing how much “stuff” is required, and the fact that his SMil and Father have never spoken to me since the night they told E getting married (to anyone) at his young age (of 26) was the biggest mistake of his life. It wasn’t about me – it was about marriage- That was the night I wish I could do over again – ya know, I assume other people have those. It is not my proudest moment. I was tired of the SMil being so opinionated and rude to a person that she was jealous over in the first place. (E is his dad’s only child and SMIL was highly jealous of the way E’s father felt towards E – she resented it and found a way to spoil/manipulate situations. E needed money for college books, tuition. Rent, you name it, They wouldn’t send him money or pay the bills- they would tell him to get a better or more jobs) but they would offer to send him plane tickets or an x.b.ox or new clothes. But never money to help pay bills. (these are just a few scenarios) So since that monumental night, these are the first time we have ever communicated. I am glad it’s through emails, but still feel’s weird. I know it is all water under a bridge or I assume it is, I am fine forgetting and all that but it just feels uncomfortable.

She asked if they could wait to get the stroller until closer to my due date and then ship it down here unless I saw reason for it to be bought sooner. I haven’t responded yet. But I don’t really care how she does it, I mean they are buying a gift they can send it whenever they want to. I won’t need the stroller really until after Min is here – I will need the car seat before we go to the hospital – I assume she knows that – but we have PLENTY of time. I told eric to email her back - but he said for me to keep up the "good work" argggg......

Never a dull moment around here …

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

22 weeks ... 18 to go

Someone asked where I got the graphics; the "it's a boy" can be found at ph.oto.bu.cket. I am sure you can find a pink one, The lil person avatar came from y.ahoo.

Here is a pic at 22 weeks - i cropped my head out because my hair looked awful - I meant to take a picture before I laid down ... fell asleep and woke up and it was too late - but here's the belly. I am still so proud that all of the books state that a weight again up to 15 lbs is acceptable. I am still holding at those 6 lbs - but those 6 lbs are really just 6 lbs of the 15 lbs i originally lost from the first trimester - so technically I am still down 9 lbs from my pre-preg weight. And we know from last week Mini is 16 ounces - there is one of those 6 lbs.... Yes I am justifying all of this ;) Mini is the size of a spaghetti squash!! (8-11 inch) so cool. 3 books and a website suggest that rings come off n ow - anyone else do this?
22 weeks
My SMil- emailed me back from my email on Friday - her and E's father want to buy mini the car seat/stroller. It is overwhelming being that she picked the absolutely most expensive things on my registry. (I did not do this on purpose - the items she picked have been on my list since the very beginning) This weekend, not knowing what they had in mind, I was trying to find a more affordable set that I liked but E says not to worry about it, let them buy that one. So there you have it. I emailed her back last night and told her that we were thankful of their generosity and that we appreciate their gifts. So now we just see I guess.

I thought I was getting sick - in fact I am at home today sure I had a sore throat, apparently - it was just allergies and thirst ... *how old am I that I can't tell the difference??

Well since I am home and E is home, i called a daycare center. I managed to dial the number and ask for a tour of their facility. We will be on our way as soon as I get E moving .... I am so nervous, I held out on this off as long as possible - but If I planning on going back to my current job (which I have not fully decide) We need to go get on a waiting list .... They have a waiting list until Jan 09! as of now. So .. Happy 22 weeks, I will be celebrating part of that in a daycare .....Oh do I have mixed feelings about this.?!

If you believe in a higher power - could you please say a prayer for my mother - she has had a rough past 2 yrs and we all thought things were getting better - but this weekend things didn't go so well and we are just a little concerned. To put it generally, She has anxiety attacks and gets overwhelmed.

Monday, February 25, 2008

A Few Changes Around Here

Spell Check is working !! Hurray

I did it, I am sure you have noticed: I updated the name of this blog to reflect my current situation, not to mislead passer- byers. I also added a new shirt to my avatar to reflect my current body image.

p-word and preparing for baby talk – skip to the purple if you do not want to hear about it

This weekend I really found a new level of my comfort zone. I have been able to look at nursery bedding, make a decision and order it. It’s actually very therapeutic and rewarding after all of these years. (I have bought several outfits and find that boy clothes are completely adorable and have fallen in love with plaid and hats …) Mini’s movements are frequent and comforting and refreshing.

I had some reservations about finding out the sex – even after I found out – I told E it kind of felt like deflating a balloon – but after this weekend, I know that is not true at all. It is different knowing the sex. It was a baby before and still is a baby, but now it is My Son, Mini … It has a different feel to it. I don’t know if that makes me sound ridiculous or not – but it's how I feel about it all. In the back of my mind, there is a part of me that wishes I was strong enough to hold on out on knowing – but the fun that I have had this weekend is overshadowing that lil part of my mind.

I ordered
this bedding this weekend. Of Course, I picked out bedding that is only an online purchase; you cannot see it or find it in any of their stores. So, we decided that we would order the 4 piece set to see if we still liked it in person. It should be here in 2 weeks(ish). If we like it, we will proceed in picking out a crib. I went on a stroller hunt this weekend as well. I have picked out an expensive set, so I was trying to find one that was not so expensive – but that’s not happening. Every one I find that I think I like, Has a problem for me: the pattern looks cheap, or the stroller is too heavy, or I’m too picky .. I like the original one I picked out …. Yes I am even high maintenance picking out baby item….

Many have asked about names – we have a few names we like but only one we can agree on thus far. I have found this naming process to be VERY important to me. I do not want to just pick a name that I like; I want my husband to help also. It just seems like such a huge task. This is a name that will shape him and stereotype him and a name that he will be forever called. I need to make sure we review all our options and resources. We tried family names – My mother’s side of the family didn’t do well with names – (think major hillbilly), my dad’s family is just as worse there are just more boys on my dad’s side. E family doesn’t have many good options either … So family names are for the most part out. I like uncommon but not far out there names. I enjoyed growing up with a slightly uncommon name and my husband has a more common name and says that he was always his last name or a number so he also is leaning towards fairly uncommon. Although – His #1 rule – the name spelling can not be creative. So our naming style seems to be classic and traditional... any suggestions?

On a very random and wacky scale: My Step MIL emailed us this weekend. The woman that has nothing nice to say to me and told E that she and his father were writing him out of the family if E married me(E is his dad’s only child and the SMil Doesn’t have any) – a person that NEVER HAS MET ME but thinks I am the worst person on the planet – a women that tore E’s and his fathers relationship to pieces for the past 6 yrs. (I am not innocent in this situation because I lack the ability to keep my mouth shut and told her a few places she could visit that aren't exactly pleasant or suitable places to go) Yes her – she emailed me this weekend. We went to E’s grandmother’s funeral like 3 yrs ago in Wis and flew on a 2 day notice and was not invited to their house at all. Nor did she speak to me or try to get to know me. We flew up a different time to attend a family wedding a yr later – which she still never spoke or acknowledged my existence. I say all of this because all of a sudden – she sent me the nicest email in the world. She is happy for us and knows a baby has needs and wants to purchase an item for us signed Gramma. I asked E what he wanted me to do – his advice wasn’t good – so I emailed her and told her that I started a registry at the babies are them store and that it was a work in progress. That we appreciate their excitement and are glad they are interested in sharing this experience with us. So … there you have it, More family drama. I hope I did the right thing. If they want to buy a gift that is great – If not – that is great also. I would love to be able to leave all the crap behind!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

And the Beat goes on

The perinatologist’s office was very very far away and we both really complained about driving that far – but man o man was it worth it. I really haven’t felt more comfortable with any of my care/dr’s completely. But this Dr (aka Dr Wonderful) just laid it all out there and was sympathetic to our situation and needs. He asked me at first if I had any questions, I told him that I may have questions after he goes over the results of our scan and fetal echo. He explained that, as of now, everything is measuring on target and Mini is nearing 16 oz.(~15.5 oz for now). He stated that things seemed to be measuring a few days ahead but that was good news and not bad news. It just gives them wiggle room with my due date (which is still the same). He explained that he was originally concerned about my ASD and spine but after the pictures and echo, all looks great and processing growth that normal.

Then we started discussing the lo.veno.x, auto immune issues, and fertility. Apparently, I have been confused on this topic – and an now a little more confused with a little more clear understanding – if that even makes since.

My RE tested me for a zillion of things. I thought I understood that the mt.hf.r disorder was being treated by the, but that is not the case. I am taking an extra fo.lic acid pill for that. This disorder is called

The is being used to treat an abnormal level of Anti-cardiolipin antibodies.(a.c.a testing) There was a test that revealed that I had a slightly higher level than normal. I think the paper stated that fewer than 11 are good or 10, and mine was 20. Dr Wonderful stated that I was at a slight risk for deep thrombosis as a result of these findings (and m/c's), It’s just precautionary and dually noted to watch. He also explained to me that most women use along with prednisone and a baby aspirin) early in a pregnancy or before they become pregnant because it makes the uterus/cells more “sticky” to help with implantation if there is to be believed of a need to assist in that area. Since I did not start taking it until week 8 or 9 – he doesn’t think it had much effect on this pregnancy. He also states that my dosages are much too low for a patient who legimately does have this problem. Dr. Wonderful said that based on the dose, he doesn’t think I necessary “need” it but the risks are much greater to take me off of it now – because I have made it this far why screw anything up and be able to second guess medicine. I agreed, so we will continue to same amount like always 1- 40 mL shot a night. He states that I continue until this until week 34.

He tends to believe that my troubles/menstrual cycles,m/c, etc are more due to the P.CO.S., and not the Anti-cardiolipin antibodies (because I started the drugs so late) or ho.moc.ysteine. He stated of course it is a compound issue and makes it seem impossible and complex (or in his words “a doozy”) but it seems to be manageable which we are doing.

So based on all of the above: The ho.moc.ysteine, the P.C.O.S, abnormal Anti-cardiolipin antibodies, and being larger women: Here is the new and latest possible diagnosis that he
is slightly concerned with: Pre.ecla.mps.ia.

The only thing about that is that the signs are basically h.igh b.loo.d p.ress.ure. Well, that is one thing that I do not have. My Bp is usually 112/59-118/72 ish. So I hope that it continues to remain normal. I plan on adding more fresh veggies in my diet to help with the folic acid which should help maintain my weight which will hopefully help maintain my pcos and keep me away from the pr.eecla.mpsi.a. PHEW, lots of technical terms – sorry If your face hit the keyboard out of boredom - as always - if you have questions or comments - please feel free to ask away or email me

On the good part – We got to have an u/s for 2 hours and 15 mins while they measures, checked, rechecked, re-measured and showed us and re-showed us boy parts!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

We Have *updated with pictures

"a live one" According to the U/S tech. I have a rambunctious live and healthy baby.

SHe was having a hard time seeing the goods... SO she skipped that part and started measuring the limbs, brain, heart, heart some more.. I got ot watch the blood flow from the heart chambers and umbilical cord.. OH VERY neat.

THEN .............. She says OH are you Ready for this .......

It's a boy

Here are the BOY Parts!!

We have a healthy rambunctious little boy and we couldn't be happier! I met with the absolute best dr ever. He truly is a dream dr and just put all my fears at ease and handled us with care and professionalism. *more on the appointment later - of course I have a new diagnosis

(sorry it took so long to update - we had to travel a long way to get to the dr's office and then through horrible Tampa Rush Hour.) But It was worth it for the wonderful DR- I go back to see him in a month!

Here are some u/s pics:
face profile you can see nose, lips, chin and a curled up arm under the chin

Hey lookin at you
Mini is actually looking straight into the wand/camera/probe - Say Hey

Monday, February 18, 2008

It's that time... Really it is

(anyone know why my spell check isn't working?)

Our apartment is no longer a baby(stuff) free zone. We made our first baby related purchase. A friend of mine found this on cra.igs.list for $20 in our area. So, Saturday morning, we went and bought it. I was/am so excited about this purchase. My husband was not a fan of having "that stuff" in our house for a while. So, I feel as if it's a new chapter. We broke the trend. my husband laughed that our first purchase is a safety item purchase - he says that is a not so subliminal message about us as a couple. We (finally) cleaned up the place this weekend - or as much as I could get help with. I have been neglecting it quite a bit and it was beginning to become very overwhelming. E got a sore throat/ear ache and didn't feel like tackling the "big stuff" Like I had hoped for. But there is a floor now, and a couch, and a kitchen, table etc. It is starting to look much much better.

We were going to see J.un.o yesterday, but i decided against it. So I told E to pick a movie instead. he picked this ( for me obviously). It is a pretty, cutesy movie, pretty romantic and just like you expect it to be. I just eat these cheesey movies up. I know i know ..I shouldn't admit that. I also find HIM (or his movie characters) So utterly YUMMILICIOUS!!! Which made the movie all more enjoyable.

Ok so .. Now, It's that time, the one that seems like it was never going to come, but I wasn't sure I wanted it to come time. You know, the "do i want to know, or not know" debate that I have been having with this blog and in my head. Well, We have our anatomy scan for sure tomorrow at 1:30 by the mfm dr's. I think I said things like "no. I don't want to know, but the suspense is killing me, Yes, let's just find out..... BUT NO, let's not and be like in when our parents were pregnant.. WHO am I kidding, There is nothing about this pregnancy that is like any of our parents" ... So on the way to the movies my husband (who never really voices his opinion) states that he would like to know. He knows that I can't make this decision on my own and knows that I really want to know I am being held up and bound by some kind of fear, rationaland/or irrational. Have I mentioned that honestly - he is just the perfect balance for my all time craziness...I truly got lucky in this department. He is just so completely perfect for me and must really pay attention because he just knows what to do to keep me sane (most of the time).

ok tangent... all that to say ..It's really that time ... 25+ hours, one more sleep, We will know.

Friday, February 15, 2008

A Whol-lotta Rambles

Just so you know I am not all anxiety all the time – here are 2 after – the fact- stories that will make you laugh (or at least chuckle)

A few weeks ago – I had worked well over ten hours (12 if you count commuting time) and I was tired. Sleepy, hungry, pregnant, had to pee, you name it. It was a LONG day to say the least – I was pulling out of my work onto the road. Driving the way I normally do (whether that is good or bad). I was not on the cell phone, I was just trying to concentrate on getting home safely because I was so tired I was delirious. Well I came to a light where I needed to turn left. There are 3 lanes: a straight lane and 2 turn left lanes. I broke the law a little – I drove over 2 yellow lines (or a painted fake median) to not hold the traffic up behind me that wanted to go straight – and to get in the turn lane. I was not the fist car to do this – nor was this my first time doing that. I have been coming and going to same way to work for at least 4 yrs now. Well I made my left turn and saw a brigade of motorcycle officer for another agency that we do work with. One motorcycle shorts wearing, mustached, wire rimmed glasses officer( think Reno 911), come through the far right lane and the middle lane to my lane ( the far left lane) and I wave him through – and he points to me and points to the side of the road – being so delirious, I nod my head and wave him to get I n front of me again ( not thinking).. lo and behold, he turns his speaker on and tells me to pull over .. so I do. He asks me for drivers and registration, at this time I see 18 other officers (18 motorcycle Reno 911 officers pull over more and more people). I asked what I was getting the ticket of because I had already forgotten that I drove over those yellow lines because it is just habit “everybody does I t” ( I know I should be ashamed of myself for admitting that) Then, OF COURSE I admit that I am “one of them” in a polite way in hopes that he will not give me a ticket – but instead he insists that I should have known better and should be setting better examples – He walks off and I lost it. I was tired, pissed, hungry, hormonal, felt beat down and just started uncontrollably crying ( and it wasn’t to get out of the ticket) I knew at that point – I was going to pay for this … he walks back hands me the ticket and says, “you know what to do with this “ and asked me to calm down that it was no big deal, just pay the ticket blah blah … well I started to pull out of the parking spot and he comes up to my window and asks me to sit tight until I can finish crying – he is just trying to “protect me and his roads” …I wanted to get out of my car and beat him to a pulp….. So while I was sitting there – I called my husband (who is a de.pu.ty in the adjacent county) and he is LIVID that some jerk would do that to me – Of course , because I am his wife ..he said all the right things .. and made it all better -except for the 3 points on my license for a moving violation and a $150 dollar ticket…………… Oh well…I will Pay the ticket and forget about it.

Warning – a TMI story told gently (I hope) – I hope not to offend anyone
Story #2-
A week ago – I woke up feeling a bit frisky – my husband was already at work and this is/was a new feeling for me. I read all these things about increased libido in the second trimester but I have not at all had that experience yet- well I got up, did some laundry, and other chores and still had that feeling. So I decided to shower and groom up a bit and feel pretty – ya know what I mean?!?... .. So in the shower I realize that my belly is getting bigger and it’s hard to see some things that normally didn’t have that much of a problem seeing or dealing with. So I decide that I am just going to finish up in the shower and attempt to finish up outside of the shower and use the bathroom mirror in hopes it will help and be easier. I remember that I have this stuff under the sink and figured it would be quicker and easier – no razor is involved – So That Is what I did. I followed the instructions and let sit for a few minutes, then wiped all the excess off. Well either while I was wiping or coating – I got some a little to close to other areas and I somehow got a way more closer to an opening then I ever intended …………. And found out that it BURNS……….and burns and burns for the rest of that day, I had to deal with an embarrassing burn EVERY time I went to the bathroom. When my husband came home I waited to tell him the story until I couldn’t wait anymore. He started laughing so hard ..he said that he appreciates the gesture but wish that I was more careful and thinks that pregnancy has made me quite ditsy and clumsy…So needless to say that “frisky” feeling was Zapped by my attempts to make me feel more suitable!

Here is a pic at 20 weeks (from last night) I realized yesterday that there was a whol-latta belly before..But there seems to be more of a whol-lotta belly now. I am gaining weight in my upper arms ... quite weird ..I no idea how this happens. But althought i am gaining weight in places - i think it's more shifting because the scale says that I am still hovering at the 6 lb gain mark (same as last dr's appoitnment - i am pulling my shirt a lil snug)

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentines Day!!

I hope everyone has a great day! I know a few that are having anatomy scans! Wishing you lots of luck! Can't wait to hear the good news!


I have been meaning to ask: Any other p-word lady having to change deodorants? It's like my toothpaste adversion. I can not find a deodorant that will keep me pH Balanced!!!!( to say it nicely) Or I am having too many hot flashes ... Any suggestions? I have tried degree (and secret but I got the wrong kind and it was secret with some scent in it) .. any/all suggestions welcome .. Have a Happy Valentine's Day

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

140 days to go! w/ Dr Appointment Updates

I cannot express the gratitude that I have for all of the comments yesterday and this morning - Thank you I needed that !

The appointment went well considering. It was nothing that we haven't already done. It was me, E and a genetic counselor. We had to re-hash all the problems in our ttc journey and families medical history. She noted that nothing thus far has raised any concern or red flag from all of my testing She was pleased to see that we were pro-active in our situation and did all our preliminary testings. She explained that and ASD can not always be seen on their level 2 u/s's but she would request the dr to take a good look. She also explained that my fused vertebrates _( klippel-feil syndrome) is just an abnormality that has no genetic pattern. She says she has to tell me that there is a 50/50 chance that it will be passed down - but thinks that it is actuallu much lower due to my nt scan, afp results. Same with the ASD. She has suggested that the dr ( when i see a dr) refers me to a cardiologist regarding my 2 strains for the MTHFR disorder. I found out that the mthfr is a folic acid deficiancy. She suggested that I take atleast 1 mg if not 2 of folic acid for the rest of my life. (that was good to know) The cardiologist will do an echo-cardiogram for myself to just "make sure" all things are peachy.

I expressed my concern about every appointment that I go to adds a new demand on me and it makes me over anxious. (through tears) Like someone stated in a comment - I told her that I am trying to manage my fears but these appointments and the appointments that cause more/different appointments make it hard for me to control my anxiety and I was very unhappy about the way that things have unfolded. I made the counselor tear up - she felt bad that this was doing the opposite as to what it was supposed to do for me and she hoped that I could understand that I am still beng treated for a normal pregnancy until/if they find something wrong. I explained that I was tired of looking for something to be wrong. And that I was tired of "pre-cautions". She expressed that the next appointment with the U/s and the Dr on the 19th will give us more concrete answers and that I shouldn't worry and That hopefully all my fears will be able to go away after this next appointment. (she didn't work for the perinatals office - so i felt bad that i cried on her)-All things considered - uninformative appointment but I decided to take the rest of the day off and spend it with my husband for now.

On more happier news - I am 20 weeks today. 140 days in 140 days to go! Half way there and regardless of the crying - I feel great and I am going to enjoy this regardless of my anxiety!
Again, I cannot thank you enough for your encouraging comments and emails that let me know others "get me". Thank you thank you - I need that reminder sometimes

Monday, February 11, 2008

These Aren't the Days to Remember..this too shall pass

(spell check isn't working- again)
well i got my MFM appointment - i have a consult tomorrow at 9:30am. I was called at noon to "inform me". Then My lvl 2 u/s will be the 19th at 1:30pm

The above is the drama free version. Below is the crazy, emotional, hormonal pregnant lady who would just like to see her baby and all Mini's organs version:

The poor lady that schedules appointments got more than she would have liked this afternoon but was really a gem in dealing with me - ok here we go:

She called to explain that I would need genetic counseling - I informed her that I underwent all the testing we would like until further looks at the baby stated other wise. All my NT scans, AFP results came back with no concern therefore I was under the impression that I was high risk due to a few m/c's and my blood/immune disorder. Well apparently my OB's told them that they are worried about my ASD repair and my fused vertebrates. Which is News to me because Thursday - she assured me I was high risk because of the blood/immune combo (the others are no elephant in a room-I am aware of them but all my life have been told it was just a fluke/mutation and all my pre-fertility treatment testings/chromosomal testings revealed nothing to be concerned about- according to my OB and RE). SO when she told me that I had to have more testing, I lost it. I cried and tried to explain to her that I was not requiring or requesting any more genetic tests. I was happy with all my results thus far until we see something to be concerned with. (see being the most important word in the sentence) I am 20 weeks, it won't change a thing. She told me she was going to call my OB and RE to confirm that I had done tests and see if they thought i needed more ..... so i had an emotional break down for 2 hours because obviously, they did not have my file nor read my file before making the appointment. Why would they require me to do stuff that I have already done and do not care to do more of? I am just starting to enjoy this thought of pregnancy and need no more opportunity for concern or worry or anxiety- I do plenty of that w/o dr's orders. I just wanted to have a dr LOOK at my baby and THEN IF they see a problem, discuss it. Not vice versa

Well, she called my OB and my RE and apparently the testing that they did is "different" OF COURSE IT IS!!! and If I do not go tomorrow for the genetic couseling, when I have my scan on the 19th, This appointment will not be with a dr. She explained to me that if I refuse the appointment tomorrow, then at my scan on the 19th which is in a diiferent location, will not be done by a dr and my results will not be discussed with me. They will mail my results back to the OB's office and let the OB's office deliver the results to me. If something was/is wrong, I would have to get in line for an appointment and hopes I get seen.

So after a few phone calls were made(and tears were cried), we have taken the appointments reluctantly and pissed off about the whole scenario. I am just tired of being poked and prodded over and over again. I am tired of worrying, and having anxiety attacks, I just want to be able to enjoy this at some point.

Good thing my co-workers are not here today because i have just cried and cried. I think it's tacky and ballsy that a dr's office can call on a 20 hour notice and demand that you come in on that day (my husband is supposed to work on the day of the scan and can not get off- so he will have to do the unthinkable and call in sick and hope he doesn't get in trouble). I tried explaining to the appointment scheduler that my husband could not come that day and she told me to come by myself or bring a friend. ON THE DAY WE MAY FIND OUT THE SEX AND determine if all things Mini are ok. I THINK NOT YOU &*()^&@! I gave 7 other days that were better for us and she told me, I don't know what to tell you.?!?. WHAT really ??!?! .... i think that may be what I am upset about also. That and discussing things that w/o looking we will not know for sure. Basically, I know it may seem peddly to some - but i could use some good thoughts, prayers, or what ever you do to take the anxiety away. Hopefully I will come back with a great experience tomorrow - but I am not counting on it. I just would like a look at my baby!

( i won't even go over the fact that the office that she "picked" for our scan is over 2 hours from my house, but the office I am going to tomorrow is 5 miles from my house)

Sunday, February 10, 2008

I went to a get together at my parent's house last night. Everyone was fascinated that I had not found out the sex yet and that we have not thought of names yet. During dinner, it quickly became "name the unborn baby" game. I have to say, I was not a bit intimidated. This is a plus for me. Usually, i just like to blend in and not have much conversation about this baby, how far along I am, blah blah etc. I am beginining to enjoy this. (weird I know) I was reading Katie's post about women who undergo treatments have this "AH-HA" moment of their pregnancy. I feel mine creeping in. I feel the Ah-Ha moment building. Here is a great website that I found this morning about generating random names. I played with this for about 1 hour this morning. That website is pretty cool. I felt excited to be able to think about picking names. I also think that my husband and I both agree that we will see what the name will be after we deliver. I do have the "I need to see what the baby looks like" before I designate a name.

With that said, I am worried about visiting the MFM dr's. My co-worker who did not have a difficulty getting pregnant had to go to their office and they scared the crap out of her - she cried for hours and will still tear up when talking about it. I know they have to do their job and theor job is to give all the risks and such. But as much as I want to see the organs and get their opinion - I am unsure I am ready for the doom and gloom that my friend has described the office to be. I am hoping and praying that they will not do that for me -but she says that since I have had heart surgery and have a few fused vertebrates she is sure that my appointment will upset me - I am hoping the later!! I do not need any more reason to set off my anxiety that I finally have somewhat under control. So as much as I am looking forward to the appointment, I also think that is one of the main reasons, i am been just "going with the flow" and not pushing for an appointment.

I have a friend that is blogging after she received a bfp after a round of IVF. Her website is here. She has been recently diagnosised with a subchrionic hemorrhage in her 12th (or 13th) week. She was told that there is still a risk of miscarriage. If anyone has any info about this please offer her some support - or just offer her support because.

I want to congratulate Flotsam on the birth of her twins. This is bittersweet - go wish her some love and support if you haven't already.

I need to write a post about the friend that got away. I am one of those people that have a few really. I dunno why, but I have this scenario happen to me often. So I have quite a few stories that I can share. My husband tells me it's because I share my opinion (when or not asked) and I share the honest opinion and most peope do not really want the honest one - they want the opinion that is the popular things to say and because I am quite an independantly hippy like soul. More on this later. .... I hope everyone had a relaxing, enjoyable weekend. I have to run to my parents. I left my purse last night.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Found THIS on Meg's website and wanted to share .....

I cannot explain how I think that these new studies, products and "new found information" are uneducating our next generation.

I do have no doubt that they can be helpful - but these beads are assuming ALOT. Why can't we discuss cervical mucus, cervical positions, cycle lengths that vary.

I am just get so passionate about education and facts - I know that there are still people that actually beleive they ovulate on or around the CD14 mark - and it just makes me mad that this is the kind of education our "scientific" community is passes as facts.

The thing about coffee, cell phones, acupuncture ..etc. Us in the "internet age" have known this for quite some time - It's not New news!

Ok I need to stop before i really getting going .. can you tell i am passionate about proper education on this topic!!!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Bets are on

P-word appointment mentioned

I just got back from my monthly appointment and all is well. Everything sounds great and this nurse had no problem finding the baby's heartbeat on the doppler and let us listen to it for a about 3 minutes. The nurse did have to chase around Mini for a second or two- Mini is not a fan of these Dopplers I think. The heart rate was up in the 160's still and sounded very strong and wonderful. It honestly is my favorite sound in the whole world now. The nurse and Dr said they had their bets on a girl if the "old wives tails are true"

Someone asked recently what happens at these monthly appointments and I thought that was a very good question - so I am going to share/list what happens at mine. ( i assume they are all about the same): Typically
the appointments go like this:
you sign in - go pee in a cup (they are checking for proteins and sugars or other abnormalities, you weigh yourself, wait to be called, then you go back to a room - the nurse brings in the scary doppler that I HATE (but after todays appointment I think it was the operator that made me hate it), then take your blood pressure ask if you had any symptoms bleeding, faiting, dizzyness, shortness of breathe, vomiting, headaches, etc.... and so on, they lay you down on the table and feel around and measure your fundal height (anyone know why they measure this??), Then my Dr comes in for a minute to answer questions, look over results from that day. Then they tell you what you should expect at next visit because you will be x amount of weeks and they need to have this lab or that test done if you want yadda yadda - send you out to make next months appointment and you are on your way! uneventful really!

My dr was concerned on why I hadn't seen the MFM (peri) yet. She steppd out to ask the OB nurse if she could get me an appointment or contact the office in hopes they schedule an appointment for me soon. Before I left I was told that I should have a call and appointment by sometime next week. I am to call her back if by sometime next week I have not heard from the peri's office. Hopefully they call and make it on a day that E is off work so he doesn't have to make other arrangements. My dr patted me on the back and told me 1/2 way there! That was good to hear. I am so glad to hear about all of the good appointments in the blogosphere this week as well. Let's keep it up!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

No touchie the Mango

This post is going to be all over the place:

Happy 1st blogoversary to me – I forgot to post this but Feb. 3rd (superbowl Sunday) was my 1st Blogoversary. I have met so many wonderfully bloggers/commenter’s and I don’t know where I would be emotionally if it wasn’t for this community. I have been allowed to explore my deepest fears, thoughts and ideas here for the past year and it has made a huge difference in my friendships, work and my marriage. You guys really do Rock! This past month, I have been faced with decisions that I thought I would never get to make or have to make – and this bloggin process has helped so much. I am going to link you to a few posts that have been made over the last couple days that have really had an impact on my heart and soul recently.

A SomeDay Mom – I totally could have written this but instead of plagiarizing, I will link you to her – but her thoughts are exactly mine – just better written

Blood Signs – this post is just powerful and brave. I am in awe of her writing ability. She really is a fantastic woman. The part that left me thinking is at the very end of her post about the book “The Prophet”. Before that quote, as I was reading, I kept trying to imagine myself in her situation. Would I have been strong and graceful enough to handle that situation the way she did? Pam, I am really inspired by that post – Not many could have done such a beautiful balance as you did!

Mel’s post yesterday about the community in which we write from and about – Really I just wish I could express my thoughts and feelings the way some of you are capable of doing.

P-word mentioned:
Not only did I have my 1 yr blogoversary – but I am 19 weeks. (45% of the way there) I am still feeling movements. They are still somewhat sporadic but still feeling them none the less. Saturday morning, I woke up feeling like I had done 1000000 sit-ups. Anyone ever feel this way while pregnant? I assumed it was because of Mini- kicks and Mini-growing. (Mini- my love, I am plenty big and there is plenty of room in there already- you already want more space and more room?) I am still holding at the same 5-6 lbs that I was up at my last appointment. I am changing shapes, furniture is moving and you can see the protruding roundness of my belly for sure now. Here is a pic what 19 weeks of lo.ven.ox injections look like: Photobucket

Say Cheese – This week my baby is getting that yucky stuff you see some newborns born with. A protective substance called vernix caseosa (vernix is the Latin word for varnish; caseosa is cheese) Mini is also approx. Six inches long and about eight ounces in weight. Mini is the size of a large mango. (reminds me of a SNL skit – no touchie the Mango) Which is the way I feel about strangers rubbing/touching my belly!

DREAMS: My dreams are back and in full swing – here are the less creepy/more recent ones

I had my very first dream about My baby, This baby on Friday night/Saturday Morning. This dream was much much different than any other dream I have had in the past. Somehow I knew it was a dream about this current baby on the way. I got to see a face of the baby and was told the sex. All other dreams (until this dream) have been very vague in the past. I never usually see a face it always hazy or blurred and they are always gender neutral and wrapped in green or yellow swaddling. My baby was very distinct and clearly wrapped in a pink/flowered blanket that I bought to give to my MIL almost 4 yrs ago (that is currently lying on the guest bed) and never ended up giving it to her. In the dream, My mom went to the hospital to "pick up" my baby and bring it back to me because I wanted to be “surprised”, while I stayed at home and waited! WEIRD, yes ya think?!??!, She the pink wrapped baby to me and told me she was a girl and that we needed to give her a name. (Think I have lost it yet? – there is one more)
The second dream, Sunday Night/Monday Morning – This dream was about feeding what looked like the same exact baby girl from the first dream, a bottle. They (not really sure who “they” were) were trying to feed her bad formula that had set out for over 2 hours because they didn't want to waste it.(at my parents house but with different furniture). I was not there, they were babysitting and I walked in and found them talking about how “she” needed a bottle and to just grab the last one on the counter because she didn’t finish it. I was all frustrated trying to figure out why they made an 8 oz bottle for a 2 month old.

Speaking of things I never thought I would get/have to do – make a list of whom I wanted to attend MY baby shower. I did that this week. WHOA was that ever interesting. I realized that it was quite a different list than I would have thought about pre- pregnancy. Being a shower thrower of many years- I thought I would want the whole wide world there – Now that I was asked to compile a list – It is about1/4 of the list. I have decided that I feel more secure and comfortable with just a few friends/family that are aware of my situation. I advised my sister to tell my parents that if they wanted to have a heavier guest list after the baby was born for “Mini has Arrived” Party. I am all gun-ho for that, but would like to keep the shower guest list down as much as humanly possible. We’ll see how that goes.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Rattlings in my Head

There are some really horrible things going on in the blog community - Please send your thoughts and comments if you'd like to: Me and Steve and Alexa. I wish there was more I could do to make things like this never ever happen or to heal the hurting hearts. But I am not in control all I can do is think of them and send them warm thoughts. I really feel a bond that is unique between this community - Please know you all are in my thoughts

p-word talks - skip to the red font if you want:
(spell check is broken)
To answer a few questions:

I was told at my last OB's appointment that I would have an anatomy scan (with an MFM) before my next OB appointment which would be Feb 7th (thursday at 11). It's Feb 4th- and the MFM's office still has not called and my OB nurse keeps ensuring me they will call .... At first this was very frustrating to me - now I have calmed down and it doesn't even bother me - except that I was told someting that hasn't happened (pet peeve).

E and I have gone back and fort on whether we wanted to find out the sex of the baby. I wasn't sure at first and he said he doesn't care. This waiting time has given me some time to process my thoughts and understand what I want for me. As of today since my opinion changes hourly, I want to know. I do not think that I could handle the Dr's knowing and not me. I like to know things. Plus it does seem easier with the way baby showers/baby products/clothes/American Traditions are all done these days. (on the record - I would feel much more comfortable with a "the baby is here party" but that is not the way things are done and I am trying to go with the flow). I am excited don't get me wrong, But it just seems like that whole "counting chickens before they hatch" thing. (Or Maybe it's more evidence that I need therapy.)

I am going to express my interest in knowing the sex at my thurdays appointment and see if they can help me out with this. Either an U/S or a call to the MFM dr's office and see if I can have an appointment soon ..something. I will admit that I am more concern with seeing all organs that will be developing nicely (crossed fingers) than the sex. The sex scan is just a bonus. Although I also think that knowing the sex will help me (in a few areas of things I am dealing with). It does not matter either way what the sex results are. But I am looking forward in decorating and picking out items. The baby world has made it quite difficult to plan if you do not know. Maybe I am once again, overthinking (or un-american). There is part of me that still does not want to know - but there is part of me that likes to "plan". This is why I really haven't pushed the issue at all. See I am still really conflicted by this ... sorry if it seems tedious to some since i know there are alot of really horrible things going on in our blog community.

On another note: I was tagged by a few people- here we go:
The Rules:

1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

1) My H.igh Sc.hool mascot is a ( yes ..really.. I know it's weird) and yes we did get made fun of alot
2) I absolutely can not sing - but I can turn it up in the car and try really hard!
3) I am not a big fan of Soup - Maybe because it never gets real cool long enough here - But I just don't care for it that much
4) I married one of the kindest, gentlest souls on the planet. There truly needs to be more like him. His generousity, heart, and wisdom amaze me. (and shame me often). He is just genuinely one of the nicest people you will ever meet. Despite his upbringing, and lack of support/good role models, He is a true Gentleman.
5) I adore the ocean. I get lost in it's power and beauty. The sound of waves and chirping seabirds help heal my soul.
6) I think that the blogs I read are people that I wish I lived closer to. I have gotten an opportunity to read many of your stories and they bless me and encourage me and keep me going more than you may ever know.

If you want - consider yourself tagged