After many negative thoughts about my job, I have recently (as of last week) decided to look at my job differently. I actually do not think of it as a job anymore. Yes, I still get paid, but I have decided to think of it as 3-4 hour cardio workout. Which I desperately need. It's a very fasted paced timed operation. Ever since this new mindset, it's not that bad at all.
With that said, I am still looking at all my options. Who isn't
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
The Job
Well It's been 4 days on the job. Here is what I signed up for:
The job is actually in the food service industry. I work in a rehab/nursing home kitchen. I am eligible to receive insurance and PTO. I took this job because the hours are just too good to pass up and the location to my house is 4 mins away and there is an option for insurance should anything happen with E's job. After working for 5 yrs and traveling over 45-50mins to work, the commute ROCKS MY WORLD. Ok so Here is what i signed up for: A part time job working 4-7:30 pm 2-4 nights a week and 1 8 hr shift on the weekend. I would do the dinner shift, Helping assemble trays of food and beverages to be passed out to the residents, wait for dinner to be over, help wash/put away all the dishes, restock drinks and then go home. It didn't seem so bad. While I am at work, My parents or E watch MT
Here is how it has panned out.
1st night - Introduction to the work, My thoughts, Wow that's alot of work crammed in 3.5 hours with just 4 people.
2nd night - Well, this is do-able. Crap forgot to leave the carseat at the parents house when I dropped MT off for lunch. They can't leave the house. So, I had to drive and pick him up instead of them coming to my house - Oh well.
3rd night - This is manageable
4th night - What do you mean that only 3 people are normally scheduled. The fourth person was just here to assist me in training ..... Tonight was an off night. And by off I mean - awful and frustrating by all parties involved. I was working with 2 people that I had not worked with before and they were not into being team players. Basically, they let me know that I was slowing them down instead of helping me out and cutting me some slack. It was frustrating and in my mind, I walked out on them and quit on the spot.
After I grabbed the new schedule, came home, took a shower and started to relax, started thumbing through the classifieds, Just to see what is out there. I think this job has numbered days. Not sure what that number is though. It could get better or easier. I have been scheduled for 5-6 nights instead of the 2-4 that I signed up for. I do not have an 8 hour shift on the weekend, Instead I have 3 4 hour shifts. Every Fri, Sat, Sun for 3 weeks. I plan on going in and having a lil chat with the supervisor that hired me. I need to see if he forgot what he told me, or if this is just temporary for training. Maybe he did it to help me get better/quicker with the job. Maybe there is a reason, Some one is off, On leave, Needed the day off etc. And Soon, I will be doing the schedule that we discussed. It's not that bad of a job, really. It's new, It's manual labor and it's timed. It was just an off night and I am in the early stages of the learning curve. And this allows me to spend much more time with MT than my other job. This being the motivation. Keep the Eye on the Prize kinda mantra.
E and I have discussed my working/job requirements for hours on end lately. For once in a long while, we are on the same page and understandings. I am working for the "what ifs" and extras in our life. It does not mean that we do not need the income, It means it keeps the anxiety at bay and allows us some breathing room. Let's me have a focus. It's actually very amazing how well we have managed our finances. I am not a very diligent budgetor. But we are scaling down by leaps and bounds. It's been a good feeling.
On a better note, It was one of those days in FL you live for. Not too hot, Not too cold and perfect for a picnic in the park. My great Aunt and Uncle are here, so that's just what we did. My parents and relatives made us a picnic and we met them out at the park for lunch and had a great time.
I was reminded that the clocks roll ahead tonight. Babies aren't aware of this lil maneuver.
The job is actually in the food service industry. I work in a rehab/nursing home kitchen. I am eligible to receive insurance and PTO. I took this job because the hours are just too good to pass up and the location to my house is 4 mins away and there is an option for insurance should anything happen with E's job. After working for 5 yrs and traveling over 45-50mins to work, the commute ROCKS MY WORLD. Ok so Here is what i signed up for: A part time job working 4-7:30 pm 2-4 nights a week and 1 8 hr shift on the weekend. I would do the dinner shift, Helping assemble trays of food and beverages to be passed out to the residents, wait for dinner to be over, help wash/put away all the dishes, restock drinks and then go home. It didn't seem so bad. While I am at work, My parents or E watch MT
Here is how it has panned out.
1st night - Introduction to the work, My thoughts, Wow that's alot of work crammed in 3.5 hours with just 4 people.
2nd night - Well, this is do-able. Crap forgot to leave the carseat at the parents house when I dropped MT off for lunch. They can't leave the house. So, I had to drive and pick him up instead of them coming to my house - Oh well.
3rd night - This is manageable
4th night - What do you mean that only 3 people are normally scheduled. The fourth person was just here to assist me in training ..... Tonight was an off night. And by off I mean - awful and frustrating by all parties involved. I was working with 2 people that I had not worked with before and they were not into being team players. Basically, they let me know that I was slowing them down instead of helping me out and cutting me some slack. It was frustrating and in my mind, I walked out on them and quit on the spot.
After I grabbed the new schedule, came home, took a shower and started to relax, started thumbing through the classifieds, Just to see what is out there. I think this job has numbered days. Not sure what that number is though. It could get better or easier. I have been scheduled for 5-6 nights instead of the 2-4 that I signed up for. I do not have an 8 hour shift on the weekend, Instead I have 3 4 hour shifts. Every Fri, Sat, Sun for 3 weeks. I plan on going in and having a lil chat with the supervisor that hired me. I need to see if he forgot what he told me, or if this is just temporary for training. Maybe he did it to help me get better/quicker with the job. Maybe there is a reason, Some one is off, On leave, Needed the day off etc. And Soon, I will be doing the schedule that we discussed. It's not that bad of a job, really. It's new, It's manual labor and it's timed. It was just an off night and I am in the early stages of the learning curve. And this allows me to spend much more time with MT than my other job. This being the motivation. Keep the Eye on the Prize kinda mantra.
E and I have discussed my working/job requirements for hours on end lately. For once in a long while, we are on the same page and understandings. I am working for the "what ifs" and extras in our life. It does not mean that we do not need the income, It means it keeps the anxiety at bay and allows us some breathing room. Let's me have a focus. It's actually very amazing how well we have managed our finances. I am not a very diligent budgetor. But we are scaling down by leaps and bounds. It's been a good feeling.
On a better note, It was one of those days in FL you live for. Not too hot, Not too cold and perfect for a picnic in the park. My great Aunt and Uncle are here, so that's just what we did. My parents and relatives made us a picnic and we met them out at the park for lunch and had a great time.
I was reminded that the clocks roll ahead tonight. Babies aren't aware of this lil maneuver.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Crib and More Teeth talk -Just a warning, You can Skip to the purple font
Sunday night - the night of the overhaul - Sleeping in the crib was great. it was breezy really. (except for the fact I woke up at 4am to a child that was banging on the railing of his crib then escalated into screams*blame teeth)
(naptime before the crib - I would just put him in the PnP. We would have several scenarios 1- He would drift to sleep shortly after being laid down (30%), 2-sometimes he would sing/soothe himself to sleep (40%), 3- there were tears and screams like someone was torturing him (30%)
Monday was the first time for trying out naps in his crib. His morning nap of Day 1 of the Crib : (pay absolutely no attention to the annoying lady with the high pitched voice. K, thanks!) turn your volume down for some reason this video is really loud
Sunday night - the night of the overhaul - Sleeping in the crib was great. it was breezy really. (except for the fact I woke up at 4am to a child that was banging on the railing of his crib then escalated into screams*blame teeth)
(naptime before the crib - I would just put him in the PnP. We would have several scenarios 1- He would drift to sleep shortly after being laid down (30%), 2-sometimes he would sing/soothe himself to sleep (40%), 3- there were tears and screams like someone was torturing him (30%)
Monday was the first time for trying out naps in his crib. His morning nap of Day 1 of the Crib : (pay absolutely no attention to the annoying lady with the high pitched voice. K, thanks!) turn your volume down for some reason this video is really loud
Boy does he love his crib BUT not for napping during the day. We had to drop the mattress down a few notches. And by the looks of it, It needs to go down some more.
I put him down when he got sleepy. This crappy video taken with an old digital camera, was about 25 mins after I laid him down. He played and played and played. Never would lay down. Does he look tired anymore?! So needless to say, No morning nap.
The second nap of the first day came with lots of tears. He wanted to stand up and play again. I really wanted him to try and catch some zzz's because he really was delirious. He did fall asleep but only because he began to be too sleepy to continue the battle.
Bedtime, again, No problem what so ever.
Tuesday, Day 2: Naps are his nemesis. Same ole stuff. Loving standing up and moving around the crib. "Look at me, this is awesome fun"
(notice the teeth)* more on this topic in a minute
Bedtime, No problem . ... Starting to notice a pattern?
Wednesday - Rinse , Repeat.
After getting everything moved and set up, I realized that this was going to be a very challenging week to attempt to find small amounts of normalcy. *MT has been teething for what seems to be his whole lifetime. (in my humble opinion) He actually is already getting his eye teeth in. This.Week. Yes the ones your Mother Friends Warn you about. It does seem the urban legend is true for us, The Inconsolable, Clingy, Miserable, Can't Sleep baby has arrived. Apparently, these teeth really pack a punch and pull out the big guns. (not to scare anyone, remember all kids handle things differently- but I scoffed at the information about them being worse than other teeth because we have had a really awful time teething. I didn't think it could get worse. Oh, boy was I wrong) What I have read does seem to be true for us, these seem to be an absolute worst. The gums are so puffy and blue/purple. They are not emerging that I can tell. So I am not sure if they are going to soon or not. If you are keeping track. These teeth will be #11-12. He is also still getting the 1 yr molars. Two of them have cut through the gums (I think, by feeling for them because he will not open is mouth very wide to let me see them completely - because his mouth is in SO.MUCH.PAIN) So basically, it's been a very rough week for MT. (and us but more Him) I am hoping after these teeth come in, he will catch a break. I also have a theory based on my very limited 24 hour 7 days a week 8month experience with taking care of a child thing. My theory is that MT tends to get extra fussy/clingy when he is about to embark on a new development, milestone, skill.
Short Version of above- He doesn't do well with daytime naps and is getting teeth #11-12
On a more happier note - He has decided that he wants to crawl after all. With his sensitive skin issues and our really abrasive carpet, I have been putting b.aby legs on and homemade version of them on his arms to guard him from the bad rug burn he was getting. He seems to crawl farther distances with the guards on. (yes they look silly - but they are very functional) So this has bee a really big week for us. Black eye, Big boy crib, teeth and crawling.
So, Do I need to mention that I am so far behind on reading your blogs?!After a week that I have just had.
I haven't mentioned it much, and hopefully I will have more to talk about tomorrow. Monday, I called the place that offered me a job a few weeks ago. I had not heard anything from them. I knew they wanted me to start on the 25th but had not received a formal return phonecall like they stated would happen. The woman I interviewed with was stumped, and told me she would call me back. She called back and asked if I could come in Thursday afternoon for orientation. So tomorrow I start my new job. It is not a glamorous job. I will work a few evenings a week (4-7:30) and an 8 hour shift on the weekend in the Dining Hall/Kitchen area of a Short Term Physical Therapy Rehab Center. They offer me benefits and a decent income for the amount of hours that I have requested. My parents and E will watch MT while I am at work. I am excited to see how this plays out for us. It has been so good this week being able to have a conversation and connect with E again. I told him that I feel like we are beginning a new chapter. Do you ever think of your life in chapters?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I left work feeling rejuvenated, accomplished, strong, nervous, excited, fulfilled, brave, scared. Just plain overwhelmed
I went to the grocery store, bought loads of fresh veggies/fruits and food for the week. Came home, made/ate dinner. Made a batch of baby food. Cleaned the kitchen. I mean deep cleaning. Scrubbed the floor. On.My.Hands.and.Knees. Toothbrush in hand. Vacuumed, Dusted, etc.
I'm thinking nervous energy, relief, anticipation, wanting everything organized, Straightened, Clean, calm, Controlled? I have had the need to clean for months now, but I lacked the want/ability. Today, the need/want/ability took hold. I haven't felt that in the longest time. I am not sure I remember ever working a full day and coming home to take on a task as I did tonight. Weird ...Good... Odd
What about you?
I went to the grocery store, bought loads of fresh veggies/fruits and food for the week. Came home, made/ate dinner. Made a batch of baby food. Cleaned the kitchen. I mean deep cleaning. Scrubbed the floor. On.My.Hands.and.Knees. Toothbrush in hand. Vacuumed, Dusted, etc.
I'm thinking nervous energy, relief, anticipation, wanting everything organized, Straightened, Clean, calm, Controlled? I have had the need to clean for months now, but I lacked the want/ability. Today, the need/want/ability took hold. I haven't felt that in the longest time. I am not sure I remember ever working a full day and coming home to take on a task as I did tonight. Weird ...Good... Odd
What about you?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
On the Move
Work has blocked practically every website so I am very behind on updating and checking blogs. Speaking of work, Only 2 more days to go until I am done there. On Friday, I saw a part time job annoucement and went to go apply. They actually interviewed me at the same time. On Monday, I receieved the job offer. I am waiting for the paperwork to clear - so am still not official hired, just saying prayers that is all goes well and I have a p/t job soon.
E and I have been working on our relationship in regards to MT. Do you ever re-read your posts and think, “Man, I was really one sided”. The past few posts have been one sided for me. I get in this funk/runt/obsession over something and it just tears my self esteem/confidence to shreds. That only invited all the self doubt and fears to show up in the corners of my mind. Then they start taking up residency in my entire mind and before long, I am paralyzed and unable to concentrate on anything but the negative. If I am not confident about a situation, I feel all kinds of things that others may or may not really be thinking or feeling. I am my own worst enemy ..truly I am. I really dislike this trait about myself. I hate that I allow this type of behavior to paralyze my ability to function. It annoys me. I can only imagine that it makes those around me want to slap me out of it. Because I want to do that to myself. I need to loosen up, stop over thinking too much, and learn to be more confident. It’s exhausting. I am hoping that as I continue to parent, I will become more natural.
Speaking of parenting, I have been one for 8 months now. I have an 8 month old. I feel like Life is stuck in slow motion and on fast forward all at the same time. Remembering how small MT was as we watch him finagle his way out of his bouncy seat and inchworm over to a toy on the floor. Or watching him pull himself up onto the couch and bite the cushion. He has figured out that he can move. Change his diaper and watch him squirm, flop and roll. He still prefers to hold onto fingers and walk around. His balance is slowly getting better. He is getting braver to explore on his own. What once was known as torture time (tummy time) is now becoming a fun past time. He is able to entertain himself on the floor with toys for so much longer than ever before. (which has been a HUGE blessing). I thought I was going to have him strapped to my body forever in the beginning. He has figured out that he can flip himself over on all fours and crawl/inchworm over to the rails of his bed and pull himself up. (Dangerous territory).
I was putting away many of his clothes that he has out grown. He is in the 9-12 month range. And we are started to run out of clothes options. I had tons of nb-6 months. The grandparents supplied a few new outfits in the 9-12 month range for Christmas, but once I started putting away clothes that he has outgrown, I started realizing that I need to get ready for the next few sizes. I got a little emotional putting all the little clothes in boxes. I am still unsure of what to do with them. I keep getting told to just keep them for the “next one”. Ugh. A thought I cannot even process.
My hormones are seriously all over the place. And I am not just referring to mood swings. I am referring to feeling the effects of PCOS back in my body. I need to stop and eat better. I am hoping this will help. My cycles have gotten so off and miserable and I can just feel a huge shift in my body and I need to take care of myself and keep the carbs to a minimum. I think this will help me mentally also.
On a totally unrelated topic, Did anyone watch the Gr.amm.y’s? My cousin is a designer and did a few outfits for the show. How cool is that
E and I have been working on our relationship in regards to MT. Do you ever re-read your posts and think, “Man, I was really one sided”. The past few posts have been one sided for me. I get in this funk/runt/obsession over something and it just tears my self esteem/confidence to shreds. That only invited all the self doubt and fears to show up in the corners of my mind. Then they start taking up residency in my entire mind and before long, I am paralyzed and unable to concentrate on anything but the negative. If I am not confident about a situation, I feel all kinds of things that others may or may not really be thinking or feeling. I am my own worst enemy ..truly I am. I really dislike this trait about myself. I hate that I allow this type of behavior to paralyze my ability to function. It annoys me. I can only imagine that it makes those around me want to slap me out of it. Because I want to do that to myself. I need to loosen up, stop over thinking too much, and learn to be more confident. It’s exhausting. I am hoping that as I continue to parent, I will become more natural.
Speaking of parenting, I have been one for 8 months now. I have an 8 month old. I feel like Life is stuck in slow motion and on fast forward all at the same time. Remembering how small MT was as we watch him finagle his way out of his bouncy seat and inchworm over to a toy on the floor. Or watching him pull himself up onto the couch and bite the cushion. He has figured out that he can move. Change his diaper and watch him squirm, flop and roll. He still prefers to hold onto fingers and walk around. His balance is slowly getting better. He is getting braver to explore on his own. What once was known as torture time (tummy time) is now becoming a fun past time. He is able to entertain himself on the floor with toys for so much longer than ever before. (which has been a HUGE blessing). I thought I was going to have him strapped to my body forever in the beginning. He has figured out that he can flip himself over on all fours and crawl/inchworm over to the rails of his bed and pull himself up. (Dangerous territory).
I was putting away many of his clothes that he has out grown. He is in the 9-12 month range. And we are started to run out of clothes options. I had tons of nb-6 months. The grandparents supplied a few new outfits in the 9-12 month range for Christmas, but once I started putting away clothes that he has outgrown, I started realizing that I need to get ready for the next few sizes. I got a little emotional putting all the little clothes in boxes. I am still unsure of what to do with them. I keep getting told to just keep them for the “next one”. Ugh. A thought I cannot even process.
My hormones are seriously all over the place. And I am not just referring to mood swings. I am referring to feeling the effects of PCOS back in my body. I need to stop and eat better. I am hoping this will help. My cycles have gotten so off and miserable and I can just feel a huge shift in my body and I need to take care of myself and keep the carbs to a minimum. I think this will help me mentally also.
On a totally unrelated topic, Did anyone watch the Gr.amm.y’s? My cousin is a designer and did a few outfits for the show. How cool is that
Friday, February 6, 2009
Progress In the making
In regards to our eating situation:
We have made progress with a level 2 nipple. We have been successfully feeding MT with a Lvl 2 nipple for almost 2 days. Successful for us means, No more intense screaming at the bottle. We have been sticking to the lvl 2 nipple since Tuesday. The sippy cup is just not going to happen yet. I have tried and tried and tried and I am not sure we are doing more harm than good with this sippy cup situation at the moment. He will bite on it to get stuff out and let it run down his chin or spit it out but he will not drink from it. I bought two different brands: this nu.by and the g.erber. I took the valve out of the gerber. I heard that was a good transitioning tip to just let it flow through. I will say that it does make a mess. He will play with them, sling them around, throw them, bite the spouts and drool the contents all over. I assume this is "learning"? Anyone know. Or by allowing him to play and I setting myself back? Any other cups that I should try?
On another note, As always, We are constantly teething. The 1 yr molars are no joke to MT. This poor child has spent most of the day just inconsolable and all out of sorts. I hate to see his personality effected so much. He is just so miserable. I wish there was something that seemed to help but nothing does. We have had to hold him and sooth him for every nap and most of the day.
Even though the teething situation is just awful, My child has moments of determination. He wants to pull up on everything and stand for hours on end. He really just wants to walk so bad. His new trick is trying to pull himself up and hold onto the back of the bouncy chair. He likes to make it bounce while holding on. He is very proud of himself. We have gotten very very close to army crawling this week also.
As for my work situation. Thank you for all the wonderful encouragement. I can't describe the feeling. It's totally uncharacteristic of me. It had to be done. My marriage was being neglected. The way our work schedules would have been set up, We would only see each other every other weekend and nights after 8pm. I would have had no help with drop off or pick up at a daycare on days that E worked. (3 days a week). I also would have had to work 8 hours a day with ~45-55 min commute each way. The start and end time of my work day was going to be determined by the daycare center hours. The more complex the situation got, the more we realized that it was time to really think outside the box for solutions. Could It have been done, Yes. It was all about our quality/quantity of life. There is no exact formula or scale for that kind of equation.
When I first told a co-worker, I was feeling that social pressure of failure. I was feeling like I had failed as a woman. You know the "Woman Can do it all" discussion we had a few months ago. I was reminded that other women work and place their children in daycare all the time and live complete, fulfilled and balanced life. I was told that it hurts at first but it gets better with time. I completely agree, some women do work and have children and feel very balanced and complete. I cannot say this for sure because I did not actually do it, but I did not foresee it "getting better with time"for me. I told E that for me, I think it would get worse with time. I read a great post recently about not judging women and their choices. It was written so beautifully. I just know that I want a life that I can enjoy and be happy with. I have a hard time with wanting approval from friends/family and it is hard to deal with when I know specifically that some think I have chosen the lazy, easy, cowardly, unpopular approach to life. I hear thoughts of "she brings such problems on herself" ...... I do not think that I chose the easy, cowardly, lazy approach. I think I did what needed to be done. I am still learning that lesson that you are suppose to understand in school. Self Esteem and Needing approval are always lingering in all places.
We have made progress with a level 2 nipple. We have been successfully feeding MT with a Lvl 2 nipple for almost 2 days. Successful for us means, No more intense screaming at the bottle. We have been sticking to the lvl 2 nipple since Tuesday. The sippy cup is just not going to happen yet. I have tried and tried and tried and I am not sure we are doing more harm than good with this sippy cup situation at the moment. He will bite on it to get stuff out and let it run down his chin or spit it out but he will not drink from it. I bought two different brands: this nu.by and the g.erber. I took the valve out of the gerber. I heard that was a good transitioning tip to just let it flow through. I will say that it does make a mess. He will play with them, sling them around, throw them, bite the spouts and drool the contents all over. I assume this is "learning"? Anyone know. Or by allowing him to play and I setting myself back? Any other cups that I should try?
On another note, As always, We are constantly teething. The 1 yr molars are no joke to MT. This poor child has spent most of the day just inconsolable and all out of sorts. I hate to see his personality effected so much. He is just so miserable. I wish there was something that seemed to help but nothing does. We have had to hold him and sooth him for every nap and most of the day.
Even though the teething situation is just awful, My child has moments of determination. He wants to pull up on everything and stand for hours on end. He really just wants to walk so bad. His new trick is trying to pull himself up and hold onto the back of the bouncy chair. He likes to make it bounce while holding on. He is very proud of himself. We have gotten very very close to army crawling this week also.
As for my work situation. Thank you for all the wonderful encouragement. I can't describe the feeling. It's totally uncharacteristic of me. It had to be done. My marriage was being neglected. The way our work schedules would have been set up, We would only see each other every other weekend and nights after 8pm. I would have had no help with drop off or pick up at a daycare on days that E worked. (3 days a week). I also would have had to work 8 hours a day with ~45-55 min commute each way. The start and end time of my work day was going to be determined by the daycare center hours. The more complex the situation got, the more we realized that it was time to really think outside the box for solutions. Could It have been done, Yes. It was all about our quality/quantity of life. There is no exact formula or scale for that kind of equation.
When I first told a co-worker, I was feeling that social pressure of failure. I was feeling like I had failed as a woman. You know the "Woman Can do it all" discussion we had a few months ago. I was reminded that other women work and place their children in daycare all the time and live complete, fulfilled and balanced life. I was told that it hurts at first but it gets better with time. I completely agree, some women do work and have children and feel very balanced and complete. I cannot say this for sure because I did not actually do it, but I did not foresee it "getting better with time"for me. I told E that for me, I think it would get worse with time. I read a great post recently about not judging women and their choices. It was written so beautifully. I just know that I want a life that I can enjoy and be happy with. I have a hard time with wanting approval from friends/family and it is hard to deal with when I know specifically that some think I have chosen the lazy, easy, cowardly, unpopular approach to life. I hear thoughts of "she brings such problems on herself" ...... I do not think that I chose the easy, cowardly, lazy approach. I think I did what needed to be done. I am still learning that lesson that you are suppose to understand in school. Self Esteem and Needing approval are always lingering in all places.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I did it
I quit. My last day working will be Feb. 19th. I didn't feel like any other present choice was the right choice except quiting. I feel like this is going to be a great thing. I quit. I left the job I thought I went to school for. I left a job that I have been at for over 10 yrs. I quit. Can you tell it still hasn't really sunk in yet.
Today I received an email from a family friend asking me to help her plan and make a website for her daughter's wedding. She wants to pay me for my services. She didn't know I was looking for work and just quit my job. There will be more opportunities for my family that will help us out. Welcome to my new Life.
Today I received an email from a family friend asking me to help her plan and make a website for her daughter's wedding. She wants to pay me for my services. She didn't know I was looking for work and just quit my job. There will be more opportunities for my family that will help us out. Welcome to my new Life.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Jumble
I was asked:
Where oh where did you get that hat and mittens set? Gy.mbo.ree, I am an addict. I cannot stay out of that store. They have the best boy selection for the price, In my opinion. There is ALWAYS a sale going on.
Is there anything you miss from before MT - even if you feel guilty about it? I actually had to think hard about this question. Pre-MT, I woke up about 30 mins before I needed to leave for work. Mornings were very low key and uneventful. So, I think the thing I miss the most is sleeping in and having low key mornings. I am adjusting well. But It would be great not to have to get up early 7 days a week, 365 days a yr. and start the day running as soon as my feet hit the ground.
I also miss hanging out with friends on the weekend. We used to hang out and eat every friday evening at a sports bar. But since everyone has children now, It has stopped.
What has been the biggest/best surprise about being a mother?
I actually do have patience. I wasn't sure I would be able to deal with little sleep, high demands, constant need of some kind of attention or task. The reward of a simple smile, coo or laugh really does make me forget about the daily struggles. It is far greater than I imagined. I can stay home for hours/days on end and not get cabin fever. I enjoy the simplicity of it all.
What kind of video's does he like? We watch The Baby Einstein videos. We have watched Miss Spider, Blue's Clues, and Backyardians. )shows on noggin) Yesterday E said WordWorld kept his attention on PBS. He will pay attention to these for about 3 mins. If there is music, singing and little kids involved, he will watch much longer (5-7mins). I usually have some sort of music or tv going while he plays on the floor with his toys. He has gotten to where he will rock side to side or bounce when he hears music come on now. E and I have always sang made up songs to him. He response very well to singsongy melodies.
I know it is way to early but, have you thought about birthday party ideas yet? Actually yes we have, So far, I am planning to have it at a park and I have already put a deposit down for shelter reservation. Since his birthday is around graduation and the start of summer, I figured I better get a jump on it. As for themes and whatnot, I have given them a lil thought. I like this cake and this cake. And of course, these cupcakes.
Do you dare push your luck and try for another one? Or do you be happy with the miracle you do have? The answer to this question is so complicated. I don't even know how to answer for myself. We aren't preventing a pregnancy. Which raises some suspicion and flags, mentally. So, I guess the answer Right now is, If it happens, It happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I am not sure what I am willing to do as far as treatments are concerned again. I am not even sure how I feel about being pregnant again. I have been reading about those who are ready to try again (gave birth around the time I did) and I am not sure If I am jealous. Jealous that they are ready to try again, Jealous that they have hope to dive in head first and battle up for another child. Jealous of their perseverance. Or just I am so used to jealous emotions when it comes to pregnancy announcements, I need to be reprogrammed a bit. Take a step back and allow some more time/healing
There are so many levels to the "Do you want another child" question that I never really thought about. and right now, I am not ready to even approach the discussion. But on a hypocritical level, I am having a dilema. One of the problems I am having is trying to get my brain out of thinking in cycles. I am tracking my periods mentally. Counting days, constantly wondering if my body is doing the things that it didn't do before such as ovulate and become regular? Are my hormones balanced? What Cycle Day is today .... I have thought like this for sooo long (6+ yrs), I am not sure how to even stop. Anyone else going/gone through this? Does it ever stop? Will my thoughts let up eventually?
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I went on a job interview this morning. It took me 4 minutes to get there. FOUR MINUTES! I was unsure what the job interview was about before I got there. I had off today and I figured I should go check it out and see what it was about. It is M-F 8-5, It will pay more than my current job (not by much) but It is 4 mins from my house, and 4 minutes to a daycare I could use. I would be basically 3 city blocks from my house and daycare. That is a HUGE plus. I am unsure if I will even be offered the position. It's a small company with 5 employees. I am not sure I want to work 5 days a week. I do have to work a little bit, the money is nice. I would not be wasting 2 hours a day in traffic. I feel kind of Meh about it. I have some posts I have been brewing in my head for weeks now but I need to run to the grocery store and then go get MT at my parents house. It's like 40 degrees here today .. MAN am I Freezing.! But I am enjoying the change in weather
Where oh where did you get that hat and mittens set? Gy.mbo.ree, I am an addict. I cannot stay out of that store. They have the best boy selection for the price, In my opinion. There is ALWAYS a sale going on.
Is there anything you miss from before MT - even if you feel guilty about it? I actually had to think hard about this question. Pre-MT, I woke up about 30 mins before I needed to leave for work. Mornings were very low key and uneventful. So, I think the thing I miss the most is sleeping in and having low key mornings. I am adjusting well. But It would be great not to have to get up early 7 days a week, 365 days a yr. and start the day running as soon as my feet hit the ground.
I also miss hanging out with friends on the weekend. We used to hang out and eat every friday evening at a sports bar. But since everyone has children now, It has stopped.
What has been the biggest/best surprise about being a mother?
I actually do have patience. I wasn't sure I would be able to deal with little sleep, high demands, constant need of some kind of attention or task. The reward of a simple smile, coo or laugh really does make me forget about the daily struggles. It is far greater than I imagined. I can stay home for hours/days on end and not get cabin fever. I enjoy the simplicity of it all.
What kind of video's does he like? We watch The Baby Einstein videos. We have watched Miss Spider, Blue's Clues, and Backyardians. )shows on noggin) Yesterday E said WordWorld kept his attention on PBS. He will pay attention to these for about 3 mins. If there is music, singing and little kids involved, he will watch much longer (5-7mins). I usually have some sort of music or tv going while he plays on the floor with his toys. He has gotten to where he will rock side to side or bounce when he hears music come on now. E and I have always sang made up songs to him. He response very well to singsongy melodies.
I know it is way to early but, have you thought about birthday party ideas yet? Actually yes we have, So far, I am planning to have it at a park and I have already put a deposit down for shelter reservation. Since his birthday is around graduation and the start of summer, I figured I better get a jump on it. As for themes and whatnot, I have given them a lil thought. I like this cake and this cake. And of course, these cupcakes.
Do you dare push your luck and try for another one? Or do you be happy with the miracle you do have? The answer to this question is so complicated. I don't even know how to answer for myself. We aren't preventing a pregnancy. Which raises some suspicion and flags, mentally. So, I guess the answer Right now is, If it happens, It happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I am not sure what I am willing to do as far as treatments are concerned again. I am not even sure how I feel about being pregnant again. I have been reading about those who are ready to try again (gave birth around the time I did) and I am not sure If I am jealous. Jealous that they are ready to try again, Jealous that they have hope to dive in head first and battle up for another child. Jealous of their perseverance. Or just I am so used to jealous emotions when it comes to pregnancy announcements, I need to be reprogrammed a bit. Take a step back and allow some more time/healing
There are so many levels to the "Do you want another child" question that I never really thought about. and right now, I am not ready to even approach the discussion. But on a hypocritical level, I am having a dilema. One of the problems I am having is trying to get my brain out of thinking in cycles. I am tracking my periods mentally. Counting days, constantly wondering if my body is doing the things that it didn't do before such as ovulate and become regular? Are my hormones balanced? What Cycle Day is today .... I have thought like this for sooo long (6+ yrs), I am not sure how to even stop. Anyone else going/gone through this? Does it ever stop? Will my thoughts let up eventually?
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I went on a job interview this morning. It took me 4 minutes to get there. FOUR MINUTES! I was unsure what the job interview was about before I got there. I had off today and I figured I should go check it out and see what it was about. It is M-F 8-5, It will pay more than my current job (not by much) but It is 4 mins from my house, and 4 minutes to a daycare I could use. I would be basically 3 city blocks from my house and daycare. That is a HUGE plus. I am unsure if I will even be offered the position. It's a small company with 5 employees. I am not sure I want to work 5 days a week. I do have to work a little bit, the money is nice. I would not be wasting 2 hours a day in traffic. I feel kind of Meh about it. I have some posts I have been brewing in my head for weeks now but I need to run to the grocery store and then go get MT at my parents house. It's like 40 degrees here today .. MAN am I Freezing.! But I am enjoying the change in weather
Friday, December 12, 2008
Just Words
I left work Tuesday and I was just relieved … It was a rough day. Not for reasons that you would think.
My well meaning co-workers, who I assume, were just trying to make small talk offered their unsolicited opinions about my decision to ask for a p/t work load temporarily.
I decided earlier that day that I was going to be candid with those that asked. I did this in hopes to escape the nasty rumor mill we have a work. (which is incredibly awful at my job) I explained that I asked our boss for a p/t schedule as long she could extend the opportunity to me. I explained that I knew that in the past p/t has not been an opportunity and I understand if p/t was still not an option, but I figured it would not hurt anything to ask. If I am allowed to go to p/t, it will not negatively affect any of my co-workers current assignments what so ever. It will allow my family to determine our financial needs in a real and practical sense. The Paper attempt only goes so far .. if ya know what I mean .. Real life never looks like the paper addition.
I listened to their take on the situation. I tried not to get emotional. I did pretty well taking jabs about my hormone levels being heightened, listening to statements that I made about myself pre-baby, choices as a parent that I have adjusted to and accept, and the state of the economy. Most things that E and I have discussed at length. Then there was the comparison of how opposed to bf-ing I was and how I have managed to adjust to that just fine if not better ….. I should give daycare the same chance as I gave bf-ing. I was told that it’s of the same mindset and those beginning feelings of uncertainty go away over time if that muscle is exercised. I was explained that the feeling of guilt goes away and that children benefit from daycare. And I can try to understand that as much as I can understand. I have to say though; I was slightly offended by the statement because It was such an in your face statement. It was meant to sting a little. It was said in a manner that led me to beleive that it was more of an attack towards me. Phrased in a way that stated, We did you, You can to if you stop being a big wimp about it. That is how I felt about it .. I could be wrong though. I know that I have changed my views leaps and bounds over the past few months. It seems that every day, I continue to write about how I am haunted by many of my past hurts and statements. Well, they just keep coming and coming. I am faced with these over and over again … Consequences of my own actions, I know that … I am not/was not prepared for this part of motherhood in the least bit. I lasted as long as I could and then I just started crying. I tried to explain that the daycare issue was not just that I think MT is too little for daycare. (which i need to clarify as being too young - because i keep getting told that he is not at all a little baby) I am unsure that his personality/needs would thrive in certain environments right now. (but that is another post) It also has to do with our finances. We are calculating working and paying for daycare. As anything in my life, the means have to justify the ends. Will my salary provide our family a better future? Is it all about the bucks? No, Is it all about daycare? No, It’s a complex.situation ..I feel like I am beating a dead horse on this blog topic really..but my heart/mind is plagued.
So, needless to say that after I left work, I was just exhausted. I mean I missed being at home with MT, but I don’t seem to have a problem leaving as long as I am fully confident in his Caretakers ability. I called E as soon as I got in the car. He just tends to makes things all better. He calmed some fear that was placed on me ( I allow this to happen to me over and over). Talked me down off the ladder of despair I was on. He just balances me.
On the drive home I thought about the past year. As 2008 comes to a close, I always try to relate a word with the year. This year the word seems to be Transition … I have gone from TTC for years, to Pregnant, to a mother. Talk about having to deal with a boat load of feelings/issues in a relatively small amount of time. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, and was undergoing treatment, but then Bam, One day everything changes. I was injecting med’s to assist folly growth, then Overnight, I became pregnant. No I am not complaining – Of course I was hoping to achieve pregnancy some day, But I did not allow myself to consider that eventually I would actually be pregnant. Then I had 10 months to adjust to pregnancy. But what I discovered in those 10 months is that most of that time is pressed to prepare for what comes after the pregnancy. So I felt like I was trying to adjust to pregnancy but being hurried to plan for motherhood .. I understand they are usually directly related …. But I didn’t directly relate them much. Then one morning I woke up and found out that I was going to deliver a baby. Then I delivered said baby and now I am here. In this place where I am now called a Mother ..It’s very daunting to try and sort through all of this in a very limited time frame. I am sure it is done with ease by many..but I guess I am just slow ..So, Here I am trying to sort through all of what has become …. Do you have a word that you will associate 2008 with?
My well meaning co-workers, who I assume, were just trying to make small talk offered their unsolicited opinions about my decision to ask for a p/t work load temporarily.
I decided earlier that day that I was going to be candid with those that asked. I did this in hopes to escape the nasty rumor mill we have a work. (which is incredibly awful at my job) I explained that I asked our boss for a p/t schedule as long she could extend the opportunity to me. I explained that I knew that in the past p/t has not been an opportunity and I understand if p/t was still not an option, but I figured it would not hurt anything to ask. If I am allowed to go to p/t, it will not negatively affect any of my co-workers current assignments what so ever. It will allow my family to determine our financial needs in a real and practical sense. The Paper attempt only goes so far .. if ya know what I mean .. Real life never looks like the paper addition.
I listened to their take on the situation. I tried not to get emotional. I did pretty well taking jabs about my hormone levels being heightened, listening to statements that I made about myself pre-baby, choices as a parent that I have adjusted to and accept, and the state of the economy. Most things that E and I have discussed at length. Then there was the comparison of how opposed to bf-ing I was and how I have managed to adjust to that just fine if not better ….. I should give daycare the same chance as I gave bf-ing. I was told that it’s of the same mindset and those beginning feelings of uncertainty go away over time if that muscle is exercised. I was explained that the feeling of guilt goes away and that children benefit from daycare. And I can try to understand that as much as I can understand. I have to say though; I was slightly offended by the statement because It was such an in your face statement. It was meant to sting a little. It was said in a manner that led me to beleive that it was more of an attack towards me. Phrased in a way that stated, We did you, You can to if you stop being a big wimp about it. That is how I felt about it .. I could be wrong though. I know that I have changed my views leaps and bounds over the past few months. It seems that every day, I continue to write about how I am haunted by many of my past hurts and statements. Well, they just keep coming and coming. I am faced with these over and over again … Consequences of my own actions, I know that … I am not/was not prepared for this part of motherhood in the least bit. I lasted as long as I could and then I just started crying. I tried to explain that the daycare issue was not just that I think MT is too little for daycare. (which i need to clarify as being too young - because i keep getting told that he is not at all a little baby) I am unsure that his personality/needs would thrive in certain environments right now. (but that is another post) It also has to do with our finances. We are calculating working and paying for daycare. As anything in my life, the means have to justify the ends. Will my salary provide our family a better future? Is it all about the bucks? No, Is it all about daycare? No, It’s a complex.situation ..I feel like I am beating a dead horse on this blog topic really..but my heart/mind is plagued.
So, needless to say that after I left work, I was just exhausted. I mean I missed being at home with MT, but I don’t seem to have a problem leaving as long as I am fully confident in his Caretakers ability. I called E as soon as I got in the car. He just tends to makes things all better. He calmed some fear that was placed on me ( I allow this to happen to me over and over). Talked me down off the ladder of despair I was on. He just balances me.
On the drive home I thought about the past year. As 2008 comes to a close, I always try to relate a word with the year. This year the word seems to be Transition … I have gone from TTC for years, to Pregnant, to a mother. Talk about having to deal with a boat load of feelings/issues in a relatively small amount of time. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, and was undergoing treatment, but then Bam, One day everything changes. I was injecting med’s to assist folly growth, then Overnight, I became pregnant. No I am not complaining – Of course I was hoping to achieve pregnancy some day, But I did not allow myself to consider that eventually I would actually be pregnant. Then I had 10 months to adjust to pregnancy. But what I discovered in those 10 months is that most of that time is pressed to prepare for what comes after the pregnancy. So I felt like I was trying to adjust to pregnancy but being hurried to plan for motherhood .. I understand they are usually directly related …. But I didn’t directly relate them much. Then one morning I woke up and found out that I was going to deliver a baby. Then I delivered said baby and now I am here. In this place where I am now called a Mother ..It’s very daunting to try and sort through all of this in a very limited time frame. I am sure it is done with ease by many..but I guess I am just slow ..So, Here I am trying to sort through all of what has become …. Do you have a word that you will associate 2008 with?
Monday, December 8, 2008
Wait and See
My first day of work was more successful than I imagined. I could not have dreamt up a better first day back actually ..
I got up, showered, pumped and left for work ..... Had a talk with my boss about MT's upcoming surgery, no daycare, and wanting to work part time on the days that E has off ... She was receptive and open. I have the go ahead to work p/t on E's days off until the end of the year. This will get us to the other side of MT's surgery and on the track to finish getting him vaccinated. She is going to talk with her boss about seeing how far into next year I can work part time (i am hoping for March- dreaming for June). All of this will buy me more time to see if working is going to be good for us and if so, allowing me to find the right care for MT ....
Really, In my mind, It doesn't get any better than that .. She didn't say no, she was receptive and understanding ... She is giving me an opportunity that I am very grateful for ... I could not ask for more .... We will see how this pans out. I am cautiously hopeful ...
Work itself was slow and boring ... Reading new policies, checking voice mail and email ... Getting re-acquainted with all the office staff and equipment..... It really wasn't bad. I attribute that to knowing that MT was under E's care and I was not at all worried about either of them. I drove home thinking that the drove was too long. I went into work much later than I would have liked to .. I tried to wait for MT to wake up and now we know that I just need to pump in the mornings and leave instead of waiting around... I want to get home before 6:45 like I did tonight ... I walked into the "witching hour", MT just wanting to nurse and nurse and nurse .. Me, trying to cook dinner and get him a bath ... So we know that I definately need to get to work much earlier in order to not come home into all that again ..... Here's to hoping I make it in much earlier tomorrow .... The problem with that is I am not sleepy yet ans the alarm will go off WAY too early .. I have been a bit spoiled .....
On a different note:
MT went to see Santa Last week .... He did well .. the picture isn't the best, but Here it is .. His First Santa ..
He had just woken up from a nap so he has the sleepy face, but It's better than screaming.
Well, I better get to bed, work comes early ... Oh one bad thing about going back to work .... They blocked Google Reader and Gmail ... What will I ever do? It's like they except me to work or something.
I got up, showered, pumped and left for work ..... Had a talk with my boss about MT's upcoming surgery, no daycare, and wanting to work part time on the days that E has off ... She was receptive and open. I have the go ahead to work p/t on E's days off until the end of the year. This will get us to the other side of MT's surgery and on the track to finish getting him vaccinated. She is going to talk with her boss about seeing how far into next year I can work part time (i am hoping for March- dreaming for June). All of this will buy me more time to see if working is going to be good for us and if so, allowing me to find the right care for MT ....
Really, In my mind, It doesn't get any better than that .. She didn't say no, she was receptive and understanding ... She is giving me an opportunity that I am very grateful for ... I could not ask for more .... We will see how this pans out. I am cautiously hopeful ...
Work itself was slow and boring ... Reading new policies, checking voice mail and email ... Getting re-acquainted with all the office staff and equipment..... It really wasn't bad. I attribute that to knowing that MT was under E's care and I was not at all worried about either of them. I drove home thinking that the drove was too long. I went into work much later than I would have liked to .. I tried to wait for MT to wake up and now we know that I just need to pump in the mornings and leave instead of waiting around... I want to get home before 6:45 like I did tonight ... I walked into the "witching hour", MT just wanting to nurse and nurse and nurse .. Me, trying to cook dinner and get him a bath ... So we know that I definately need to get to work much earlier in order to not come home into all that again ..... Here's to hoping I make it in much earlier tomorrow .... The problem with that is I am not sleepy yet ans the alarm will go off WAY too early .. I have been a bit spoiled .....
On a different note:
MT went to see Santa Last week .... He did well .. the picture isn't the best, but Here it is .. His First Santa ..
He had just woken up from a nap so he has the sleepy face, but It's better than screaming.
Well, I better get to bed, work comes early ... Oh one bad thing about going back to work .... They blocked Google Reader and Gmail ... What will I ever do? It's like they except me to work or something.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Some things are only learned from the depths
*If you are not pregnant and still in the throes of IF, you may want to skip this post for another day. I do think it's worth the read ..but just wait until you are in a better place ... Because If i was to have read this post a year go, I might have wanted to throw a finger up at the computer screen or just roll my eyes ... and i completely understand
You know by now, I am not very poetic. I am not extremely puny, witty or a literary genius. I wish .. I read so many post and I am just desperate to have an ounce of the creativity you guys have .... What I do have is the ability to over share and be quite blunt.
I keep hearing about this recession we are having and how the economy is in a bad way and all these things. People losing houses, jobs, etc... And here I am .... Having to care for the baby we always wanted in this sinking economy. I keep hearing myself think things like "It's the best of times, It's the worst of times ...." from that book ... Because for me, It is the best of times in what may look like heading towards the worst of times. We have made it 5 months+ ..which means I will soon have a 6 month old. Which means my Maternity leave is almost up (and we have managed to stay on course with our measely budget and salary) ... I swear time has flown by. Some days have felt like they were 40 hours, but other days I blinked and it was over too quick. I am writing this post as a brain dump as I approach the emd of my maternity leave. I am supposed to go back to work Monday ... As in 4 days.
I have talked about the evolution of me before ... And I have mentioned in many past posts about how all I seem to do these days are eat my words, evolve, feed, nap, change diapers, and try harder next time. ... I feel like these past 6 months have only been more changes and evolutions of more of me's in ways that I never had imagined possible.
You know that annoying commercial that says having a baby changes everything? I hated that commercial .. It's so trite. But now, I think, that commercial is sooooo misunderstood and so lacking. I mean, I knew before hand that having a baby changes everything. That part isn't rocket science. I appreciate the attempt of what the commercial is trying to portray. But, Honestly, I do not think that there is any other way to learn about these changes that the commercial is referring to except by having to live through them. There are SO many things that I was not considering at all. (and let it be known that I so do not think a commercial(or anything) could even begun to explain any of the amount of change that has happened to me in the past 6 months.) I don't want to bore anyone with the details today ... But I will say that about 1% of my maternity leave has gone the way I thought it would. This is not a bad thing. It just goes to show me that I have done totally different things than I had imagined I would be doing. It also shows me that I am learning, evolving, experiencing and opening up my options more. I am branching out. Trying new things, finding my niche per say. Which is another part of what Infertility and blogging has allowed me to do with myself. And it's be so much fun .. then there are times of not so much fun ..
I have read on so many blogs this week from my pregnant comrades about the economy, daycare, jobs, diapers, formula, all this amount of baby loot, having to make huge decisions and having to make them RIGHT NOW .... and I just want to encourage you .. You can do this ... Whatever your "this" is .. You can and will make it.. You will find ways to pull ideas together and make "it" happen. Yes raising a baby is expensive, Yes you will need some things ... but honestly you will start to realize that Things are just things ....... marketing and people try to think you NEED THEM OR ELSE ... It's so overwhelming and so not right to have to make so many decisions with 109,880 Million hormones running through your system .... It's Tough for you ... trust me... I know it is ... I understand your burdens. I understand your number crunching, I understand your inability to get a budget to balance .. I understand you inablitlity to see where the money will come and where the savings with happen. I was amazed at the money we had but did not need to spend while on maternity leave. I encourage you to know that, It Will work... Because, It just does...And because, you have choices ... Choices that you do not even know about yet.
I say all of this because when I went out on Maternity Leave ... I had it all nicely planned out .. Daycare, Return date, budget, Work Schedule ..... and Here we are 4 days left and I have nary remnants of what I had decided and planned out back then. I wish I could say that all things are squared away just like we planned ... but Like my life tends to be ... I have gone and made it a little more "exciting" or complicated or messy. You choose the wording. The situation: ... I received a call stating that I had until a certain day to pay for our daycare spot. I didn't do it. I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. You know the daycare I picked out in February. ... I put my unborn childs name on the waiting list ... that daycare. A week ago ... Hell, It's been over a month now that I have cried over "what to do". I have cried over the decisions, I prayed, I talked it out w/E, I have lost loads of sleep, caused anxiety .. You name it. And Still, I do not have a concrete decision made. The circumstances and limitations of using that daycare facility would not enabled me to be the parent I have become over the past almost 6 months. The parent that I want to continue to be. The parent that the pre-baby me did not think was an option. There are unthinkable options, things change, Ideas develop, Situations arise, Life Changes, Priorities change, The future holds change ... Things can be done differently. It may not look like a US Sitcom, but it can be done. I have some idea of what I would like to happen next week ... But most importantly, I know what I am willing to do for my family Now and it looks and sounds VERY different than what I thought would be the right choice for our family months ago. I know understand so many things that I just could not understand when I was seeking treatment and prior. It's all about sacrifices and what you want to do in life. That is not the same for everyone. It doesn't have to be, We are allowed choices.
I could use your good thoughts and prayers if you wish .... This may scare some of you who are in the decision process now but I am hoping not.. I hope it allows you to take some pressure off yourself. Relax and enjoy where you are, and think unconventionally. We all know we are survivors ... We will do whatever it takes to get a job done .. Even if it means unconventional means ... It is ok to think outside the box ..It is ok to not do it the way you thought it would be done ... It;s ok to be yourself and not do things hte way everyone thinks it needs to be done. Have faith in yourselves .. We have a huge community of support ...
So there it is . ... It's out there .. and I will not fear what is next ..I am just trusting and living .. ... It will be what it will be. This is a new type of living for me. If anyone knows me, knows that this is 100% NOT the old me.. The old me planned EVERYTHING. I do not go outside the box. I do thinkgs the way the major do it. I am not a real risk taker.... I have back up plans for my backup plans .... But like the trite commercial says, Having a baby changes everything ....
You know by now, I am not very poetic. I am not extremely puny, witty or a literary genius. I wish .. I read so many post and I am just desperate to have an ounce of the creativity you guys have .... What I do have is the ability to over share and be quite blunt.
I keep hearing about this recession we are having and how the economy is in a bad way and all these things. People losing houses, jobs, etc... And here I am .... Having to care for the baby we always wanted in this sinking economy. I keep hearing myself think things like "It's the best of times, It's the worst of times ...." from that book ... Because for me, It is the best of times in what may look like heading towards the worst of times. We have made it 5 months+ ..which means I will soon have a 6 month old. Which means my Maternity leave is almost up (and we have managed to stay on course with our measely budget and salary) ... I swear time has flown by. Some days have felt like they were 40 hours, but other days I blinked and it was over too quick. I am writing this post as a brain dump as I approach the emd of my maternity leave. I am supposed to go back to work Monday ... As in 4 days.
I have talked about the evolution of me before ... And I have mentioned in many past posts about how all I seem to do these days are eat my words, evolve, feed, nap, change diapers, and try harder next time. ... I feel like these past 6 months have only been more changes and evolutions of more of me's in ways that I never had imagined possible.
You know that annoying commercial that says having a baby changes everything? I hated that commercial .. It's so trite. But now, I think, that commercial is sooooo misunderstood and so lacking. I mean, I knew before hand that having a baby changes everything. That part isn't rocket science. I appreciate the attempt of what the commercial is trying to portray. But, Honestly, I do not think that there is any other way to learn about these changes that the commercial is referring to except by having to live through them. There are SO many things that I was not considering at all. (and let it be known that I so do not think a commercial(or anything) could even begun to explain any of the amount of change that has happened to me in the past 6 months.) I don't want to bore anyone with the details today ... But I will say that about 1% of my maternity leave has gone the way I thought it would. This is not a bad thing. It just goes to show me that I have done totally different things than I had imagined I would be doing. It also shows me that I am learning, evolving, experiencing and opening up my options more. I am branching out. Trying new things, finding my niche per say. Which is another part of what Infertility and blogging has allowed me to do with myself. And it's be so much fun .. then there are times of not so much fun ..
I have read on so many blogs this week from my pregnant comrades about the economy, daycare, jobs, diapers, formula, all this amount of baby loot, having to make huge decisions and having to make them RIGHT NOW .... and I just want to encourage you .. You can do this ... Whatever your "this" is .. You can and will make it.. You will find ways to pull ideas together and make "it" happen. Yes raising a baby is expensive, Yes you will need some things ... but honestly you will start to realize that Things are just things ....... marketing and people try to think you NEED THEM OR ELSE ... It's so overwhelming and so not right to have to make so many decisions with 109,880 Million hormones running through your system .... It's Tough for you ... trust me... I know it is ... I understand your burdens. I understand your number crunching, I understand your inability to get a budget to balance .. I understand you inablitlity to see where the money will come and where the savings with happen. I was amazed at the money we had but did not need to spend while on maternity leave. I encourage you to know that, It Will work... Because, It just does...And because, you have choices ... Choices that you do not even know about yet.
I say all of this because when I went out on Maternity Leave ... I had it all nicely planned out .. Daycare, Return date, budget, Work Schedule ..... and Here we are 4 days left and I have nary remnants of what I had decided and planned out back then. I wish I could say that all things are squared away just like we planned ... but Like my life tends to be ... I have gone and made it a little more "exciting" or complicated or messy. You choose the wording. The situation: ... I received a call stating that I had until a certain day to pay for our daycare spot. I didn't do it. I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. You know the daycare I picked out in February. ... I put my unborn childs name on the waiting list ... that daycare. A week ago ... Hell, It's been over a month now that I have cried over "what to do". I have cried over the decisions, I prayed, I talked it out w/E, I have lost loads of sleep, caused anxiety .. You name it. And Still, I do not have a concrete decision made. The circumstances and limitations of using that daycare facility would not enabled me to be the parent I have become over the past almost 6 months. The parent that I want to continue to be. The parent that the pre-baby me did not think was an option. There are unthinkable options, things change, Ideas develop, Situations arise, Life Changes, Priorities change, The future holds change ... Things can be done differently. It may not look like a US Sitcom, but it can be done. I have some idea of what I would like to happen next week ... But most importantly, I know what I am willing to do for my family Now and it looks and sounds VERY different than what I thought would be the right choice for our family months ago. I know understand so many things that I just could not understand when I was seeking treatment and prior. It's all about sacrifices and what you want to do in life. That is not the same for everyone. It doesn't have to be, We are allowed choices.
I could use your good thoughts and prayers if you wish .... This may scare some of you who are in the decision process now but I am hoping not.. I hope it allows you to take some pressure off yourself. Relax and enjoy where you are, and think unconventionally. We all know we are survivors ... We will do whatever it takes to get a job done .. Even if it means unconventional means ... It is ok to think outside the box ..It is ok to not do it the way you thought it would be done ... It;s ok to be yourself and not do things hte way everyone thinks it needs to be done. Have faith in yourselves .. We have a huge community of support ...
So there it is . ... It's out there .. and I will not fear what is next ..I am just trusting and living .. ... It will be what it will be. This is a new type of living for me. If anyone knows me, knows that this is 100% NOT the old me.. The old me planned EVERYTHING. I do not go outside the box. I do thinkgs the way the major do it. I am not a real risk taker.... I have back up plans for my backup plans .... But like the trite commercial says, Having a baby changes everything ....
Thursday, January 31, 2008
What Might Have Been
I haven’t had a real post in months – I have been too afraid to say much, I have been trying to deal with my anxiety rationally. I am still working on dealing with my irrational and anxious thoughts. After dealing with some family stuff a few years ago, I am now convinced that this is a family trait. Worry, Doom/gloom, anxiety and etc. I am a some what of a people-pleaser and I know that some will judge me on this post about how after yrs of IF i should just be grateful -well, Life is life and that's all i gotta say about that ...
Warning – a real hard emotional post for me to admit/type (please do not throw daggers).
Pre-Pregnant Me – had all of these lofty ideas about pregnancy, pregnant women, and life. Now, 18 weeks pregnant me, has new theories: ( i won't bore you with them yet)
I should back this up a bit – I work in a job in which I have talked myself into staying at for quite some time now (i should state i love my job tasks) its the agency that is the problem)– because of great retirement plans and job security. ( I have wanted to leave several times, but kept telling myself that my earned time will help out during maternity leave – because I could use it as paid leave) I also talked myself into staying because looking/starting a new job while seeking treatments/testings/procedures would just be “harder” to explain and request/ask for time off.
Before the whole Infertility Treatment Realization: I stayed at my job because I knew that when I got pregnant, this would not be “hard job” to manage with a family, I earn time off, I have good benefits, and It’s flexible somewhat. It would be easy to work while being pregnant and then would be suitable for raising a child and daycare schedules and managing family duties.
Then things became more and more difficult to get/stay pregnant. I have suffered through 3 m/c at this job (not because of this job) – and I was able to take as much time as I needed to deal with my body/mind. (Remember time earned- and understanding Supervisors) This was/is a huge blessing for me because I do not Love my job. It pays bills – I am here because it pays bills
I had some family hardship a few yrs ago and had to take ~ 3.5 month of my time earned to help out with that situation (not consecutively but roughly) basically – it wiped out 80% of my time earned left. That time is time I had set aside for my maternity leave – but Life happens and you have to deal. I am a planner. It sucked having to watch what I thought was going to be my maternity leave used for other family matters. Then I was bitter and thought I would never need it for maternity leave anyway. Taking that time was necessary and I’d do it again in a heartbeat – No regrets. (Just consequences)
I have also had to take leave for testings/treatments/procedures. My earned leave has not had much time to build itself back up from all of this activity. Over the past 2 yrs.
Once again, it seems my perfect plan that I had, did not work out the way I thought it would. It has worked out This way but not how I intended it – and I can’t do anything about that. I now feel like an extra pressure has been placed upon me. (or maybe it’s myself adding extra pressure on myself) because my earned leave time is pathetic. Coming to work has been very difficult, I won’t lie. There have been work things going on that just purely suck the ever loving life out of me and make me want to infect harm to some. This also makes it hard to come to work. I have stayed at my job thus far because it pays bills and has allowed me to take time off when needed, help finance our fertility treatments ..etc But I have always wanted to leave. (i should state i love my job, it's the agency that is the problem) I have a college education, it’s not like I can’t go apply elsewhere. But now, I am pregnant, and wanting to take time off- It’s not the best time/opportunity to go look for a new job. And with little leave, I can not take much time off (I have to save for the dr’s appointments/materunity leave – my work will not let me go on leave w/o pay w/o a few consequences) My husband and I have a nightly discussion about how I dislike my job, and it has only gotten worse the more weeks pass and I realize less weeks remain until my due date. (I will receive ~12 more paychecks before my due date- please know that we are not completely living paycheck to paycheck- it’s just a realization/time measurement tool for me)
I am the praying type and I have asked for some perspective and guidance in this area of my life now because, In the county that I live in only has ~3 available daycares – they are all ~$1000 a month. Only 1 is close to my house. It has a ~11 month waiting list. Which means If I sign up and pay my deposit now, I will get childcare in December 08 or Jan 09. I am having a hard time with this idea. I have to put a deposit on something NOW that will affect me in 11 months. It’s mind blowing. Even for a planner, That’s just so long to plan for many variables. (due date, maternity leave, husband job schedule, insert bad thoughts here, my work, our financial state, Do I really want Daycare?, how long will i take off, will i take off, what will be best for us, etc)
I have so many thoughts going through my mind, it’s hard to focus and get real clarity and real thoughts that will be helpful. I keep going over the thought that I stayed in this job for convenience. I know I am not alone in that realization – But reading Alison’s post today – I realized I missed the boat on some things that I shouldn’t have. I do not really have regrets, Just realizations that I am working through .. Life will go on
Warning – a real hard emotional post for me to admit/type (please do not throw daggers).
Pre-Pregnant Me – had all of these lofty ideas about pregnancy, pregnant women, and life. Now, 18 weeks pregnant me, has new theories: ( i won't bore you with them yet)
I should back this up a bit – I work in a job in which I have talked myself into staying at for quite some time now (i should state i love my job tasks) its the agency that is the problem)– because of great retirement plans and job security. ( I have wanted to leave several times, but kept telling myself that my earned time will help out during maternity leave – because I could use it as paid leave) I also talked myself into staying because looking/starting a new job while seeking treatments/testings/procedures would just be “harder” to explain and request/ask for time off.
Before the whole Infertility Treatment Realization: I stayed at my job because I knew that when I got pregnant, this would not be “hard job” to manage with a family, I earn time off, I have good benefits, and It’s flexible somewhat. It would be easy to work while being pregnant and then would be suitable for raising a child and daycare schedules and managing family duties.
Then things became more and more difficult to get/stay pregnant. I have suffered through 3 m/c at this job (not because of this job) – and I was able to take as much time as I needed to deal with my body/mind. (Remember time earned- and understanding Supervisors) This was/is a huge blessing for me because I do not Love my job. It pays bills – I am here because it pays bills
I had some family hardship a few yrs ago and had to take ~ 3.5 month of my time earned to help out with that situation (not consecutively but roughly) basically – it wiped out 80% of my time earned left. That time is time I had set aside for my maternity leave – but Life happens and you have to deal. I am a planner. It sucked having to watch what I thought was going to be my maternity leave used for other family matters. Then I was bitter and thought I would never need it for maternity leave anyway. Taking that time was necessary and I’d do it again in a heartbeat – No regrets. (Just consequences)
I have also had to take leave for testings/treatments/procedures. My earned leave has not had much time to build itself back up from all of this activity. Over the past 2 yrs.
Once again, it seems my perfect plan that I had, did not work out the way I thought it would. It has worked out This way but not how I intended it – and I can’t do anything about that. I now feel like an extra pressure has been placed upon me. (or maybe it’s myself adding extra pressure on myself) because my earned leave time is pathetic. Coming to work has been very difficult, I won’t lie. There have been work things going on that just purely suck the ever loving life out of me and make me want to infect harm to some. This also makes it hard to come to work. I have stayed at my job thus far because it pays bills and has allowed me to take time off when needed, help finance our fertility treatments ..etc But I have always wanted to leave. (i should state i love my job, it's the agency that is the problem) I have a college education, it’s not like I can’t go apply elsewhere. But now, I am pregnant, and wanting to take time off- It’s not the best time/opportunity to go look for a new job. And with little leave, I can not take much time off (I have to save for the dr’s appointments/materunity leave – my work will not let me go on leave w/o pay w/o a few consequences) My husband and I have a nightly discussion about how I dislike my job, and it has only gotten worse the more weeks pass and I realize less weeks remain until my due date. (I will receive ~12 more paychecks before my due date- please know that we are not completely living paycheck to paycheck- it’s just a realization/time measurement tool for me)
I am the praying type and I have asked for some perspective and guidance in this area of my life now because, In the county that I live in only has ~3 available daycares – they are all ~$1000 a month. Only 1 is close to my house. It has a ~11 month waiting list. Which means If I sign up and pay my deposit now, I will get childcare in December 08 or Jan 09. I am having a hard time with this idea. I have to put a deposit on something NOW that will affect me in 11 months. It’s mind blowing. Even for a planner, That’s just so long to plan for many variables. (due date, maternity leave, husband job schedule, insert bad thoughts here, my work, our financial state, Do I really want Daycare?, how long will i take off, will i take off, what will be best for us, etc)
I have so many thoughts going through my mind, it’s hard to focus and get real clarity and real thoughts that will be helpful. I keep going over the thought that I stayed in this job for convenience. I know I am not alone in that realization – But reading Alison’s post today – I realized I missed the boat on some things that I shouldn’t have. I do not really have regrets, Just realizations that I am working through .. Life will go on
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Good use for pregnant friends
So I must confess. I did something Friday night that I haven't done in YEARS.
It was a co-workers birthday, meeting for surprise happy hour. Drove myself, but my very good (pregnant) friend drove behind me. We got there, and I normally do not drink, ya know this TTC thing I have been concentrating on for the last 4 yrs , But I decided, I am not on a medicated cycle, I am on cd somethingteen and I could use a lil lettin loose in my life right now. So, I drank, and I drank some more (in my defense- they were small lil dixie cups and only $1). I was by NO MEANS inebriated and my friend already told me that she would drive me home. So I hitched a ride home with her.(because I do not agree with any amount of alcohol and then driving any type of vehicle + other job related reasons :0) )
I called my husband and told him that I was getting a ride home, blah blah And informed him that I left my car. Well, he managed to call my parents to come over and drive us THAT NIGHT to pick up my car. My friend dropped me off, my parents and my husband were waiting for me outside in their car (i was feeling a lil like I was in high school and was in trouble- but that ride to get my car is another post all together - and not the point)
We got home and I told him that I decided that we were going to try something new this month. I don't know if or when I ovulate (might i throw in this disclaimer - a person who consumes alcohol should probably not be peeing on any kind of stick(s) or looking over waking temps) but this month I told him that we were going to give it a good'ol college try EVERY DAY - (obviously I had more to drink then I thought).
Boy was he excited, he said I should include alcohol in my diet more often. I have kept up my end of the bargain................. and I have nothing else to say
It was a co-workers birthday, meeting for surprise happy hour. Drove myself, but my very good (pregnant) friend drove behind me. We got there, and I normally do not drink, ya know this TTC thing I have been concentrating on for the last 4 yrs , But I decided, I am not on a medicated cycle, I am on cd somethingteen and I could use a lil lettin loose in my life right now. So, I drank, and I drank some more (in my defense- they were small lil dixie cups and only $1). I was by NO MEANS inebriated and my friend already told me that she would drive me home. So I hitched a ride home with her.(because I do not agree with any amount of alcohol and then driving any type of vehicle + other job related reasons :0) )
I called my husband and told him that I was getting a ride home, blah blah And informed him that I left my car. Well, he managed to call my parents to come over and drive us THAT NIGHT to pick up my car. My friend dropped me off, my parents and my husband were waiting for me outside in their car (i was feeling a lil like I was in high school and was in trouble- but that ride to get my car is another post all together - and not the point)
We got home and I told him that I decided that we were going to try something new this month. I don't know if or when I ovulate (might i throw in this disclaimer - a person who consumes alcohol should probably not be peeing on any kind of stick(s) or looking over waking temps) but this month I told him that we were going to give it a good'ol college try EVERY DAY - (obviously I had more to drink then I thought).
Boy was he excited, he said I should include alcohol in my diet more often. I have kept up my end of the bargain................. and I have nothing else to say
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Short Break
I haven't had much time to myself lately. I have been gearing up to go on vacation. I have been working like a dog preparing to be gone for 7 days. And as soon as we get back, we have to be ready to move out. I accumulated alot of over -time from work these past couple of weeks that I have to use it before June 30 or I basically lose it. So needless to say, the vacation is a little untimely and rushed (on the preparation end). We are going to visit my sister in ATL for a few days then meander our way to Tennessee to visit some old friends that I haven't seen in yrs. We went to college together and have been in touch via email/cellphone/text messaging but it will be so awesome to be in the same town again for a few days.
You know those one pair of very comfortable, soft, well loved blue jeans that make you feel really good, confident, and uncaring .... that is the effect this friend has on my soul. She was my college suite mate. We grew to have such an amazing bond between each other that we could be those cliched friends that could end each other's sentences, laugh at something that she knew I was thinking w/o having to say it, and such other really cheesy, mushy stuff. A friend that will watch "10 things i hate a.bout you" and "return t.o me" over and over and cry with you every time EVEN when you both know the ending ....... That's her. Those type of friends in my life are few and far between and I will cherish this time greatly ....
YAH ..i got my very first post card and was so excited when I got it. Thank you so much for the postcard JJ It really brightened my week between working 40 hours and then coming home to spring clean.
On the WTF is my period radar..... Its CD 27 .. my husband said he has a good feeling about this month .... we are still eating very organic and healthy - had a few meals that didn't fit that regiment- I will soon be on my 3rd month of metformin ( in 3 days) .. I hope everyone has a great week and I cant wait to catch up as soon as I get back
Peace Out
You know those one pair of very comfortable, soft, well loved blue jeans that make you feel really good, confident, and uncaring .... that is the effect this friend has on my soul. She was my college suite mate. We grew to have such an amazing bond between each other that we could be those cliched friends that could end each other's sentences, laugh at something that she knew I was thinking w/o having to say it, and such other really cheesy, mushy stuff. A friend that will watch "10 things i hate a.bout you" and "return t.o me" over and over and cry with you every time EVEN when you both know the ending ....... That's her. Those type of friends in my life are few and far between and I will cherish this time greatly ....
YAH ..i got my very first post card and was so excited when I got it. Thank you so much for the postcard JJ It really brightened my week between working 40 hours and then coming home to spring clean.
On the WTF is my period radar..... Its CD 27 .. my husband said he has a good feeling about this month .... we are still eating very organic and healthy - had a few meals that didn't fit that regiment- I will soon be on my 3rd month of metformin ( in 3 days) .. I hope everyone has a great week and I cant wait to catch up as soon as I get back
Peace Out
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
My new body armor
Well for the exciting news first, Ill start backwards:
I went to my primary care physician today and found out that I have drop 14 lbs. I am so freak'n excited. I knew I had lost weight, I could feel it but WHOA 14 lbs ................... That Insulin Book isn't a crapshoot after all.
I know you are thinking ... Dr's appointment, I didn't know she had a Dr. appointment - she would have told us if she had one, I mean what else is a fertility blog about if we aren't informed of ALL medical related information ..... Funny you should be thinking that because when I woke up Tuesday morning, I wasn't planning a trip to see the Dr. but my body had other plans {insert cheesy, ironic, predictable, scary movie music here}
So I am going about my day, noticing that for some reason, "Boy do I have to pee alot", (still not sure why thing is happening, I feel all "bloated or full in the abdomen" when I have to pee and i have to pee often ... (i still do not know why this is happening, I'm assuming a cyst) ..Ok moving on
So 4 pm I am in the bathroom at work and in simple terms "doing #1". I then notice ALOT of bright red in my undergarment .. at first I get mad because AF stopped Saturday and I'm thinking .."CRAP, MORE BLEEDING C'MON" .. then i notice that the blood is WAY too far back to be AF bleeding and I start to get a lil freaked out and test my theory * i know sorry for the bad imagery* But yes it was coming from THAT area and I asked a very good co-worker what she thought and she told me .. its probably fine just a strain from takin care of business, in her words. So I go about my day. I had a meeting after work, So i went to that, went to the bathroom again and noticed alot more ... So i excuse myself from the meeting and drive home to tell my husband. He investigated the situation and insists that we go, without dinner, immediately to the ER. Now, I am starting to feel light headed, hungry, and very anxious. Luckily for me, It must have been a good TV night, because the ER was empty, I was taken back within 20 mins of arriving after the triage nurse telling me, Oh you take aspirin .. thats probably your problem, I inform her that I was instructed to take aspirin and she states that alot of Dr. do that with out real cause ..... Maybe we should all see her for our RE appointments. ..... Lil miss know it all Triage LaDY .. (if I had been dying on any other day I would have had to wait at least 2 hours). Here's where it gets interesting:
OK so I get back in the ER room, the nurse comes in and attempts to start an IV .... why, I dunno... then he states that he needs to draw blood, I explain to the nice nurse that I am a very hard stick and that I require a butterfly .. he confidently responds "I am the BLOOD drawing KING". I advice him that many of his fellow commodores h ave stated the same thing but leave me black and blue .... I'm again reassured of his mad skills .... Long story short .............
I was stuck by 3 different nurses ... and finally they had to send someone from the lab down to draw it. I have 3 areas on my arm that all look identical to that ... AND i had an allergic reaction to the paper tape they use to hold on the cotton after they remove the needle (notice the blown vein)
OK back to my story ... Dr came in and told me that maybe I was bleeding from that place where AF comes from.... I wanted to respond .......... Don't start with me Jerkface, I KNOW where I am bleeding from .... but I responded calming that I disagreed with that but maybe she know something I didn't. SO she decided to take a peek and do a pelvic examine (YUCK)... then replies that she guesses I was expelling red fluids from other regions that are not related to AF, we must test it to see if it is blood ... WOW genius... lets DO
After $50, a long night, no dinner, and bad TV I was sent home because everything was normal.. YES it's completely NORMAL to expel red fluids out of your other regions. I was instructed to call my Primary Care Physician in the morning for a follow-up. Which explains my very first statement ..... We discussed my new foods/meds and decided that I must have internal hemorrhoids ................ WTF ................. She relates it to my Metformin Moments (which i have very few of) and new foods. The bleeding was related to the fact that I have been taking aspirin which she wants me to stop and instead take a stole softener EVERY DAY .............. Yippeeee fun for me. I will have to call the dr of the vampyric research (my RE) and see what he thinks about this .... Life is always exciting when TTC .. (hey lookie here, I figured out how to post pics)
I went to my primary care physician today and found out that I have drop 14 lbs. I am so freak'n excited. I knew I had lost weight, I could feel it but WHOA 14 lbs ................... That Insulin Book isn't a crapshoot after all.
I know you are thinking ... Dr's appointment, I didn't know she had a Dr. appointment - she would have told us if she had one, I mean what else is a fertility blog about if we aren't informed of ALL medical related information ..... Funny you should be thinking that because when I woke up Tuesday morning, I wasn't planning a trip to see the Dr. but my body had other plans {insert cheesy, ironic, predictable, scary movie music here}
So I am going about my day, noticing that for some reason, "Boy do I have to pee alot", (still not sure why thing is happening, I feel all "bloated or full in the abdomen" when I have to pee and i have to pee often ... (i still do not know why this is happening, I'm assuming a cyst) ..Ok moving on
So 4 pm I am in the bathroom at work and in simple terms "doing #1". I then notice ALOT of bright red in my undergarment .. at first I get mad because AF stopped Saturday and I'm thinking .."CRAP, MORE BLEEDING C'MON" .. then i notice that the blood is WAY too far back to be AF bleeding and I start to get a lil freaked out and test my theory * i know sorry for the bad imagery* But yes it was coming from THAT area and I asked a very good co-worker what she thought and she told me .. its probably fine just a strain from takin care of business, in her words. So I go about my day. I had a meeting after work, So i went to that, went to the bathroom again and noticed alot more ... So i excuse myself from the meeting and drive home to tell my husband. He investigated the situation and insists that we go, without dinner, immediately to the ER. Now, I am starting to feel light headed, hungry, and very anxious. Luckily for me, It must have been a good TV night, because the ER was empty, I was taken back within 20 mins of arriving after the triage nurse telling me, Oh you take aspirin .. thats probably your problem, I inform her that I was instructed to take aspirin and she states that alot of Dr. do that with out real cause ..... Maybe we should all see her for our RE appointments. ..... Lil miss know it all Triage LaDY .. (if I had been dying on any other day I would have had to wait at least 2 hours). Here's where it gets interesting:
OK so I get back in the ER room, the nurse comes in and attempts to start an IV .... why, I dunno... then he states that he needs to draw blood, I explain to the nice nurse that I am a very hard stick and that I require a butterfly .. he confidently responds "I am the BLOOD drawing KING". I advice him that many of his fellow commodores h ave stated the same thing but leave me black and blue .... I'm again reassured of his mad skills .... Long story short .............
I was stuck by 3 different nurses ... and finally they had to send someone from the lab down to draw it. I have 3 areas on my arm that all look identical to that ... AND i had an allergic reaction to the paper tape they use to hold on the cotton after they remove the needle (notice the blown vein)
OK back to my story ... Dr came in and told me that maybe I was bleeding from that place where AF comes from.... I wanted to respond .......... Don't start with me Jerkface, I KNOW where I am bleeding from .... but I responded calming that I disagreed with that but maybe she know something I didn't. SO she decided to take a peek and do a pelvic examine (YUCK)... then replies that she guesses I was expelling red fluids from other regions that are not related to AF, we must test it to see if it is blood ... WOW genius... lets DO
After $50, a long night, no dinner, and bad TV I was sent home because everything was normal.. YES it's completely NORMAL to expel red fluids out of your other regions. I was instructed to call my Primary Care Physician in the morning for a follow-up. Which explains my very first statement ..... We discussed my new foods/meds and decided that I must have internal hemorrhoids ................ WTF ................. She relates it to my Metformin Moments (which i have very few of) and new foods. The bleeding was related to the fact that I have been taking aspirin which she wants me to stop and instead take a stole softener EVERY DAY .............. Yippeeee fun for me. I will have to call the dr of the vampyric research (my RE) and see what he thinks about this .... Life is always exciting when TTC .. (hey lookie here, I figured out how to post pics)
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Just lettin It all hang out
I have been on the computer ALOT lately .... reading, researching, seeking advice (*or assvice), support and knowledge and all sort of other stuff. I do this when I feel out of control, and I am seeing a pattern. I try to be all cool and collected and go with the flow type of attitude. Just relax, trust your gut, pray, try acupuncture, prop your butt up with pillows, drink lots of water, eat healthy, pray more, , try herbal remedies, breathing exercises, take clomid, try Metformin, etc.. You name it, I have probably tried it at least once if not longer.
I took a break since January now I am ready. Actually I am more than ready, I am anxious, nervous, confused, scared, worried, CONSUMED ... Yes that's it, I am Consumed by this Baby Babble and feelings of inadequacy, failed, and broken.
(I have tried very hard to keep my personal life private but I am going to share a little about me in hopes that my nerves are calmed. I have wanted to post something like this for a while but didn't have the time nor the words and this week, I'm just very burdened by all this TTC shenanigans and looking for a venting avenue.)
I work in the forensics/law enforcement field and so does my husband. Many of my co-workers are and have become great friends and extended family members because we are working together alot on holidays when we should be with our "familes" or just weird hours/times/cases that require support. There are about 150 co workers I deal with daily and believe it or not, most (more than half) are females and about 10 people are pregnant. My co-workers, that are like my closest friends, are also both pregnant (1 is almost due in may and the other which i was the closest to is 5 months). The one that is 5 months was my support while I was going through my surgeries, clomid cycles and miscarriages. We have been friends since college and met back up at the work place and it was wonderful having a friend like her around. She didn't give too much of that assvice, "just relax, it will happen" blah blah ... she was always there for me me, drove to the ER for one of my miscarriages, listened to me freak out and cry over failed clomid cycles, cried over all the other people getting pregnant and just was there for me when I didn't want to discuss baby topics at all. Now that she is pregnant, after like 2 months of trying, (during my last round of failed clomid when the dr wouldn't give me anymore and told me i needed an RE for stronger meds/procedures) I am with out a "friend". I know this is just me being ridiculous but she was the only friend that didn't have a baby or children ... and i am VERY excited for ... but I do not have "that girlfriend that I can talk to". I want her to experience all the goodness and not so goodness that comes with being happy and healthy and able to conceive/pregnant. It's a blessing and I truly feel that way and I don't want to keep repeating myself like a broken record performing my simplified routine of "it makes me feel bad when I see pregnant people".
I went through all that to say that she is picking out daycares, and making decisions, and buying maternity clothes, and eating EVERYTHING that I want to eat, and talking about her future morning schedule - dropping baby off, picking baby up, feeding, painting nursery, taking baby classes, etc... I find myself getting bitter and I will say things that I do mean ..but it comes out wrong ... " She will say, I'm not giving my child a pacifier" and I'll state that you haven't met the child, they may really require a pacifier or something along those lines ....
I do not have kids, but I babysat all growing up ALOT, and I was a nanny 4 yrs in college and I babysit every saturday right now. I watch a 3 yr old, 2 yr old and a 4 month old for a few hours on saturdays. I have been around kids all my life, My husband is the eldest of 9 of a single working mother.. We know what children are like and have raised many at times in our life .... We understand it is not all fairytales and happily ever afters .... i just feel so uneasy and wish that I could make it stop ... some days are easier then others ... Why can't I muster up enough strength, courage, kahunas, or whatever else I need to just go in a fill the Rx for my Clomid. Why am I procrastinating? What am I waiting for ......
I took a break since January now I am ready. Actually I am more than ready, I am anxious, nervous, confused, scared, worried, CONSUMED ... Yes that's it, I am Consumed by this Baby Babble and feelings of inadequacy, failed, and broken.
(I have tried very hard to keep my personal life private but I am going to share a little about me in hopes that my nerves are calmed. I have wanted to post something like this for a while but didn't have the time nor the words and this week, I'm just very burdened by all this TTC shenanigans and looking for a venting avenue.)
I work in the forensics/law enforcement field and so does my husband. Many of my co-workers are and have become great friends and extended family members because we are working together alot on holidays when we should be with our "familes" or just weird hours/times/cases that require support. There are about 150 co workers I deal with daily and believe it or not, most (more than half) are females and about 10 people are pregnant. My co-workers, that are like my closest friends, are also both pregnant (1 is almost due in may and the other which i was the closest to is 5 months). The one that is 5 months was my support while I was going through my surgeries, clomid cycles and miscarriages. We have been friends since college and met back up at the work place and it was wonderful having a friend like her around. She didn't give too much of that assvice, "just relax, it will happen" blah blah ... she was always there for me me, drove to the ER for one of my miscarriages, listened to me freak out and cry over failed clomid cycles, cried over all the other people getting pregnant and just was there for me when I didn't want to discuss baby topics at all. Now that she is pregnant, after like 2 months of trying, (during my last round of failed clomid when the dr wouldn't give me anymore and told me i needed an RE for stronger meds/procedures) I am with out a "friend". I know this is just me being ridiculous but she was the only friend that didn't have a baby or children ... and i am VERY excited for ... but I do not have "that girlfriend that I can talk to". I want her to experience all the goodness and not so goodness that comes with being happy and healthy and able to conceive/pregnant. It's a blessing and I truly feel that way and I don't want to keep repeating myself like a broken record performing my simplified routine of "it makes me feel bad when I see pregnant people".
I went through all that to say that she is picking out daycares, and making decisions, and buying maternity clothes, and eating EVERYTHING that I want to eat, and talking about her future morning schedule - dropping baby off, picking baby up, feeding, painting nursery, taking baby classes, etc... I find myself getting bitter and I will say things that I do mean ..but it comes out wrong ... " She will say, I'm not giving my child a pacifier" and I'll state that you haven't met the child, they may really require a pacifier or something along those lines ....
I do not have kids, but I babysat all growing up ALOT, and I was a nanny 4 yrs in college and I babysit every saturday right now. I watch a 3 yr old, 2 yr old and a 4 month old for a few hours on saturdays. I have been around kids all my life, My husband is the eldest of 9 of a single working mother.. We know what children are like and have raised many at times in our life .... We understand it is not all fairytales and happily ever afters .... i just feel so uneasy and wish that I could make it stop ... some days are easier then others ... Why can't I muster up enough strength, courage, kahunas, or whatever else I need to just go in a fill the Rx for my Clomid. Why am I procrastinating? What am I waiting for ......
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Eat what you are Served
I have been so busy lately with work, preparing for a training completion date of March 30. BOY I can not wait for this to be over - i wish i could go into it more but am really afraid that it would cross lines- It has really added extra stress in my life that is rather unneeded.
Well here is an update: Day 20 on Metformin, CD 29 (period ..where are you ??)
Now let me warn you about my diet. I have had some work situations that I ended up working 15 hours on saturday and 16 hours on sunday. I was having to travel to a from location that was not condusive to having restrooms near or being able to prepare my own meals. Therefore I had to adjust. As in real life situations, I had to eat what I was served. While i was busy, working and traveling, this above message created a bit of an irony for myself. "having to eat what i was served" now has a few different messages. one - learn to adapt and go with the flow, be flexible, creative and professional, and work with the situation at hand - in short ADAPT. For many of us, we know people that can not adapt well, and I, at times, can be that person. I feel threatened by changes or broken plans and I let that get to my inner core and just eat away at my life- when I should just say Ok, it is what it is - and ADAPT. two- just like in life, things have changes, seasons, cycles, foods, lifestyles, medicine, laws, atmosphre, etc on and on we can add to this list. and with all these changes.
Now here is the practical assessment: I was so hardpressed to "make this lifestyle work for me" I am greatful for the ability and will power I had to cut out wheat, yeast and sugars except those in natural fruits. It was a good 25 days of discipline and I can not tell you how rewarding it felt for me to be able to do this for as long as I did. It gave me a greater appreciation and understanding for how my body reacts to foods. Also- i notice that with the metformin, i am NEVER hungry. I do not know if that is a good or a bad thing? I will have to ask my dr at the next appointment.
Well here is an update: Day 20 on Metformin, CD 29 (period ..where are you ??)
Now let me warn you about my diet. I have had some work situations that I ended up working 15 hours on saturday and 16 hours on sunday. I was having to travel to a from location that was not condusive to having restrooms near or being able to prepare my own meals. Therefore I had to adjust. As in real life situations, I had to eat what I was served. While i was busy, working and traveling, this above message created a bit of an irony for myself. "having to eat what i was served" now has a few different messages. one - learn to adapt and go with the flow, be flexible, creative and professional, and work with the situation at hand - in short ADAPT. For many of us, we know people that can not adapt well, and I, at times, can be that person. I feel threatened by changes or broken plans and I let that get to my inner core and just eat away at my life- when I should just say Ok, it is what it is - and ADAPT. two- just like in life, things have changes, seasons, cycles, foods, lifestyles, medicine, laws, atmosphre, etc on and on we can add to this list. and with all these changes.
Now here is the practical assessment: I was so hardpressed to "make this lifestyle work for me" I am greatful for the ability and will power I had to cut out wheat, yeast and sugars except those in natural fruits. It was a good 25 days of discipline and I can not tell you how rewarding it felt for me to be able to do this for as long as I did. It gave me a greater appreciation and understanding for how my body reacts to foods. Also- i notice that with the metformin, i am NEVER hungry. I do not know if that is a good or a bad thing? I will have to ask my dr at the next appointment.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Hurry up, Wait
Is this week over yet - I wish it would hurry up......ironic -because Hurrying and waiting - thats all I have managed to do all week long- i wont go into much detail about work - but all i do is hurry and wait- i waste a huge part of my day hurrying to meet someone to help me only to wait for them to get there - what is this about - after this waiting occured, I was informed that I have a huge deadline that must be met march 30- and absolutely no later -no sirree bob - must be done. Then I scurry to another Hurry up and wait session 30 mins after the first no so great H/W session to find out that there "new circumstances beyond "our" control and we(meaning I) have another deadline that must also be met in 3 weeks - april 6th- with no exceptions - WHOA nellie - and I realized this week that I am without a doubt an emotional eatter - this leads into
Day 8 on Metformin, CD 17, 16 days w/o chocolate, cafeine, sugars (besides those that are naturally in fruits),and white flour.
*warning potty talk*
Tuesday - that was a horrible day for me, I have been feeling great, headacheless, and happy and upbeat - nothing like an hour and 45 minute commute ( that should only be 35 mins) to start your day off - plus I had a Met Moment- what i refer to when my bowels suddenly feel the need to explode all over - I took my Met in the morning before I left this house after i ate a apple and a little bowel of fiber cereal - Bad combo when it takes you 1hr 45 mins to get to work - I was in the car- mad from traffic - then all of a sudden- gerggle gerggle- NOT good sounds when you know there is no where to stop and use the bathroom descretly. I was sweating, and frustrated and starting to tear up ( amongst other things "up"). There was an accident at every interstate, intersection, light you name it - traffic was a nightmare - and all I could think of was "i am going to have to call my boss and explain to her that I was on my way to work but I am know using the dirt devil wet/dry vac and I will not be able to make it back to work today" But to my astonishment, I was able to "hold it" until I ran from the parking lot to the restroom. (phew, wow, that could have been a disaster)
Being that I admitted that I am an emotional eater - and not being allowed to have such foods that i want to indulge in, I have found out that I am capable of dealing w/o the need for "such foods".
*** i am in a hurry up and wait situation .. I will finish posting later on my cycles and such seeing that this IS supposed to be an infertility blog and all
Day 8 on Metformin, CD 17, 16 days w/o chocolate, cafeine, sugars (besides those that are naturally in fruits),and white flour.
*warning potty talk*
Tuesday - that was a horrible day for me, I have been feeling great, headacheless, and happy and upbeat - nothing like an hour and 45 minute commute ( that should only be 35 mins) to start your day off - plus I had a Met Moment- what i refer to when my bowels suddenly feel the need to explode all over - I took my Met in the morning before I left this house after i ate a apple and a little bowel of fiber cereal - Bad combo when it takes you 1hr 45 mins to get to work - I was in the car- mad from traffic - then all of a sudden- gerggle gerggle- NOT good sounds when you know there is no where to stop and use the bathroom descretly. I was sweating, and frustrated and starting to tear up ( amongst other things "up"). There was an accident at every interstate, intersection, light you name it - traffic was a nightmare - and all I could think of was "i am going to have to call my boss and explain to her that I was on my way to work but I am know using the dirt devil wet/dry vac and I will not be able to make it back to work today" But to my astonishment, I was able to "hold it" until I ran from the parking lot to the restroom. (phew, wow, that could have been a disaster)
Being that I admitted that I am an emotional eater - and not being allowed to have such foods that i want to indulge in, I have found out that I am capable of dealing w/o the need for "such foods".
*** i am in a hurry up and wait situation .. I will finish posting later on my cycles and such seeing that this IS supposed to be an infertility blog and all
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
60 BFN's ..And other mushy stuff
WOW, i never really thought about how many BPN's i have had in my journey. ... .... WOW is all I can say. It's a wonder that I still have any glimpse of hope .... It's not always rainbows and butterflies ... I need to stay out of Myspace Chat rooms .......
How does this make me feel ............. Like a Failure .... My closetest friend is 11 weeks pregnant and has starting telling people at work and i thought that I would not be bothered by this and I thought I'd be excited about it for her .......... and I am...... and even though i know that in 33 weeks she will have a baby, just hearing her excitement in her voice and having others be joyful with her - makes me very uncomfortable - and werided out ..... "this too shall pass"
On a funnier note - My most awesome and amazing husband got me a pick Ipod .... I know that yall do not know how much my husband is opposed to APPLE (some conspiracy I do not really understand) ... but he put his hatred for Apple away just long enough to make my valentine's day SOOo very exciting .... (and with this gift comes a very hilarious story) Since you do not know my husband, you do not realize how incredibly shy and quiet he is.. (unlike myself ..he really is the polar opposite to me -
Ok so, I got a phone call from my husband yesterday and it went something like this:
DH- "do you know what your cat did?"
Me- "well since you saidm "your cat" it's bad
DH- " Yes remember the gift your parents gave me to replace the one your cat chewed up?
Me- "Yes your headset, walkie-talkie for your computer game"
DH- "Welp she ate another one, she chewed the cord right at the base where you plug it into the computer AGAIN"
Me- "Hey I know what i can get you for valentine's day Now"
So i had to run to Target to get a peace offering and i got this stuff that you spray on stuff to deter pets from chewing ..lets hope it works - if not he said "kitty is gone"
But i get home with my peace offering and he hands me a gift ... i open it to find a "Strip Armband for an IPOD ...... OMG im totally excited but yet very confused ... i asked what i was going to do with that ... and then he pulls his other hand out from around his back........ A PINK IPOD .. weeeeeeeee
then he told me that he bought the IPOD and the sales clerk told him that he needed to get a case and asked what Kind I would like .. and w/o thinking ... he states "a strap on one" he said he immediately turned BEET RED and the sales clerk ( w/o missing a beat says , Sir, you are in the wrng store for that" ....
Hope all have a very Happy Valentine's Day!!! - i forgot to mention that we celebrated it yesterday because my husband works tonight --- 2 more days til he is done working 3-midnight Yeah mE
he tells me this story AFTER he gives me "the gift"
How does this make me feel ............. Like a Failure .... My closetest friend is 11 weeks pregnant and has starting telling people at work and i thought that I would not be bothered by this and I thought I'd be excited about it for her .......... and I am...... and even though i know that in 33 weeks she will have a baby, just hearing her excitement in her voice and having others be joyful with her - makes me very uncomfortable - and werided out ..... "this too shall pass"
On a funnier note - My most awesome and amazing husband got me a pick Ipod .... I know that yall do not know how much my husband is opposed to APPLE (some conspiracy I do not really understand) ... but he put his hatred for Apple away just long enough to make my valentine's day SOOo very exciting .... (and with this gift comes a very hilarious story) Since you do not know my husband, you do not realize how incredibly shy and quiet he is.. (unlike myself ..he really is the polar opposite to me -
Ok so, I got a phone call from my husband yesterday and it went something like this:
DH- "do you know what your cat did?"
Me- "well since you saidm "your cat" it's bad
DH- " Yes remember the gift your parents gave me to replace the one your cat chewed up?
Me- "Yes your headset, walkie-talkie for your computer game"
DH- "Welp she ate another one, she chewed the cord right at the base where you plug it into the computer AGAIN"
Me- "Hey I know what i can get you for valentine's day Now"
So i had to run to Target to get a peace offering and i got this stuff that you spray on stuff to deter pets from chewing ..lets hope it works - if not he said "kitty is gone"
But i get home with my peace offering and he hands me a gift ... i open it to find a "Strip Armband for an IPOD ...... OMG im totally excited but yet very confused ... i asked what i was going to do with that ... and then he pulls his other hand out from around his back........ A PINK IPOD .. weeeeeeeee
then he told me that he bought the IPOD and the sales clerk told him that he needed to get a case and asked what Kind I would like .. and w/o thinking ... he states "a strap on one" he said he immediately turned BEET RED and the sales clerk ( w/o missing a beat says , Sir, you are in the wrng store for that" ....
Hope all have a very Happy Valentine's Day!!! - i forgot to mention that we celebrated it yesterday because my husband works tonight --- 2 more days til he is done working 3-midnight Yeah mE
he tells me this story AFTER he gives me "the gift"
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
So ......
Today I realized that at my work, we have meetings to discuss how we can be more "standardized and efficient" ....... (How Oxymoronic . *new word*) ... MORE Efficient would not take me AWAY from my WORK ....... If I am in a meeting for like what feels to be forever *which equates to about 1 hour*, but this said meeting is to start at 11:15 which no one starts showing up to til 11:30 - HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO TO LUNCH ..I can not think about being more effective w/o LUNCH ?!?!?!?! And secondly, I still stand on my first observation that having a meeting about efficiency ISN'T EFFICIENT! Its Bitch Fest 2007. And even though the meeting will be adjourned, we will all scatter to our holes and commence the email/phone bashing of whomever's idea it was to have a meeting about being more efficient.
The "I've been doing it this way for (fill in the blank) years" club will revolt because a new era is upon them -They will NOT do it that way because that is NOT how its always been done - therefore .. more LESS efficient work and talk will be had all over the office - because us young whippersnappers think that being more efficient looks like equal work for all and with new technology we could do way more work than we are performing now - BUT ..... the meeting thoughts and ideas will eventually Fade into the place good ideas are kept.... and the universe will go back to not being efficient and we will have another deja veux meeting next month - It's much Like Groundhog's Day (the Movie)
The "I've been doing it this way for (fill in the blank) years" club will revolt because a new era is upon them -They will NOT do it that way because that is NOT how its always been done - therefore .. more LESS efficient work and talk will be had all over the office - because us young whippersnappers think that being more efficient looks like equal work for all and with new technology we could do way more work than we are performing now - BUT ..... the meeting thoughts and ideas will eventually Fade into the place good ideas are kept.... and the universe will go back to not being efficient and we will have another deja veux meeting next month - It's much Like Groundhog's Day (the Movie)
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