Just lettin It all hang out

I have been on the computer ALOT lately .... reading, researching, seeking advice (*or assvice), support and knowledge and all sort of other stuff. I do this when I feel out of control, and I am seeing a pattern. I try to be all cool and collected and go with the flow type of attitude. Just relax, trust your gut, pray, try acupuncture, prop your butt up with pillows, drink lots of water, eat healthy, pray more, , try herbal remedies, breathing exercises, take clomid, try Metformin, etc.. You name it, I have probably tried it at least once if not longer.

I took a break since January now I am ready. Actually I am more than ready, I am anxious, nervous, confused, scared, worried, CONSUMED ... Yes that's it, I am Consumed by this Baby Babble and feelings of inadequacy, failed, and broken.

(I have tried very hard to keep my personal life private but I am going to share a little about me in hopes that my nerves are calmed. I have wanted to post something like this for a while but didn't have the time nor the words and this week, I'm just very burdened by all this TTC shenanigans and looking for a venting avenue.)

I work in the forensics/law enforcement field and so does my husband. Many of my co-workers are and have become great friends and extended family members because we are working together alot on holidays when we should be with our "familes" or just weird hours/times/cases that require support. There are about 150 co workers I deal with daily and believe it or not, most (more than half) are females and about 10 people are pregnant. My co-workers, that are like my closest friends, are also both pregnant (1 is almost due in may and the other which i was the closest to is 5 months). The one that is 5 months was my support while I was going through my surgeries, clomid cycles and miscarriages. We have been friends since college and met back up at the work place and it was wonderful having a friend like her around. She didn't give too much of that assvice, "just relax, it will happen" blah blah ... she was always there for me me, drove to the ER for one of my miscarriages, listened to me freak out and cry over failed clomid cycles, cried over all the other people getting pregnant and just was there for me when I didn't want to discuss baby topics at all. Now that she is pregnant, after like 2 months of trying, (during my last round of failed clomid when the dr wouldn't give me anymore and told me i needed an RE for stronger meds/procedures) I am with out a "friend". I know this is just me being ridiculous but she was the only friend that didn't have a baby or children ... and i am VERY excited for ... but I do not have "that girlfriend that I can talk to". I want her to experience all the goodness and not so goodness that comes with being happy and healthy and able to conceive/pregnant. It's a blessing and I truly feel that way and I don't want to keep repeating myself like a broken record performing my simplified routine of "it makes me feel bad when I see pregnant people".

I went through all that to say that she is picking out daycares, and making decisions, and buying maternity clothes, and eating EVERYTHING that I want to eat, and talking about her future morning schedule - dropping baby off, picking baby up, feeding, painting nursery, taking baby classes, etc... I find myself getting bitter and I will say things that I do mean ..but it comes out wrong ... " She will say, I'm not giving my child a pacifier" and I'll state that you haven't met the child, they may really require a pacifier or something along those lines ....

I do not have kids, but I babysat all growing up ALOT, and I was a nanny 4 yrs in college and I babysit every saturday right now. I watch a 3 yr old, 2 yr old and a 4 month old for a few hours on saturdays. I have been around kids all my life, My husband is the eldest of 9 of a single working mother.. We know what children are like and have raised many at times in our life .... We understand it is not all fairytales and happily ever afters .... i just feel so uneasy and wish that I could make it stop ... some days are easier then others ... Why can't I muster up enough strength, courage, kahunas, or whatever else I need to just go in a fill the Rx for my Clomid. Why am I procrastinating? What am I waiting for ......