Thursday, December 4, 2008

Some things are only learned from the depths

*If you are not pregnant and still in the throes of IF, you may want to skip this post for another day. I do think it's worth the read ..but just wait until you are in a better place ... Because If i was to have read this post a year go, I might have wanted to throw a finger up at the computer screen or just roll my eyes ... and i completely understand

You know by now, I am not very poetic. I am not extremely puny, witty or a literary genius. I wish .. I read so many post and I am just desperate to have an ounce of the creativity you guys have .... What I do have is the ability to over share and be quite blunt.

I keep hearing about this recession we are having and how the economy is in a bad way and all these things. People losing houses, jobs, etc... And here I am .... Having to care for the baby we always wanted in this sinking economy. I keep hearing myself think things like "It's the best of times, It's the worst of times ...." from that book ... Because for me, It is the best of times in what may look like heading towards the worst of times. We have made it 5 months+ ..which means I will soon have a 6 month old. Which means my Maternity leave is almost up (and we have managed to stay on course with our measely budget and salary) ... I swear time has flown by. Some days have felt like they were 40 hours, but other days I blinked and it was over too quick. I am writing this post as a brain dump as I approach the emd of my maternity leave. I am supposed to go back to work Monday ... As in 4 days.

I have talked about the evolution of me before ... And I have mentioned in many past posts about how all I seem to do these days are eat my words, evolve, feed, nap, change diapers, and try harder next time. ... I feel like these past 6 months have only been more changes and evolutions of more of me's in ways that I never had imagined possible.

You know that annoying commercial that says having a baby changes everything? I hated that commercial .. It's so trite. But now, I think, that commercial is sooooo misunderstood and so lacking. I mean, I knew before hand that having a baby changes everything. That part isn't rocket science. I appreciate the attempt of what the commercial is trying to portray. But, Honestly, I do not think that there is any other way to learn about these changes that the commercial is referring to except by having to live through them. There are SO many things that I was not considering at all. (and let it be known that I so do not think a commercial(or anything) could even begun to explain any of the amount of change that has happened to me in the past 6 months.) I don't want to bore anyone with the details today ... But I will say that about 1% of my maternity leave has gone the way I thought it would. This is not a bad thing. It just goes to show me that I have done totally different things than I had imagined I would be doing. It also shows me that I am learning, evolving, experiencing and opening up my options more. I am branching out. Trying new things, finding my niche per say. Which is another part of what Infertility and blogging has allowed me to do with myself. And it's be so much fun .. then there are times of not so much fun ..

I have read on so many blogs this week from my pregnant comrades about the economy, daycare, jobs, diapers, formula, all this amount of baby loot, having to make huge decisions and having to make them RIGHT NOW .... and I just want to encourage you .. You can do this ... Whatever your "this" is .. You can and will make it.. You will find ways to pull ideas together and make "it" happen. Yes raising a baby is expensive, Yes you will need some things ... but honestly you will start to realize that Things are just things ....... marketing and people try to think you NEED THEM OR ELSE ... It's so overwhelming and so not right to have to make so many decisions with 109,880 Million hormones running through your system .... It's Tough for you ... trust me... I know it is ... I understand your burdens. I understand your number crunching, I understand your inability to get a budget to balance .. I understand you inablitlity to see where the money will come and where the savings with happen. I was amazed at the money we had but did not need to spend while on maternity leave. I encourage you to know that, It Will work... Because, It just does...And because, you have choices ... Choices that you do not even know about yet.

I say all of this because when I went out on Maternity Leave ... I had it all nicely planned out .. Daycare, Return date, budget, Work Schedule ..... and Here we are 4 days left and I have nary remnants of what I had decided and planned out back then. I wish I could say that all things are squared away just like we planned ... but Like my life tends to be ... I have gone and made it a little more "exciting" or complicated or messy. You choose the wording. The situation: ... I received a call stating that I had until a certain day to pay for our daycare spot. I didn't do it. I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. You know the daycare I picked out in February. ... I put my unborn childs name on the waiting list ... that daycare. A week ago ... Hell, It's been over a month now that I have cried over "what to do". I have cried over the decisions, I prayed, I talked it out w/E, I have lost loads of sleep, caused anxiety .. You name it. And Still, I do not have a concrete decision made. The circumstances and limitations of using that daycare facility would not enabled me to be the parent I have become over the past almost 6 months. The parent that I want to continue to be. The parent that the pre-baby me did not think was an option. There are unthinkable options, things change, Ideas develop, Situations arise, Life Changes, Priorities change, The future holds change ... Things can be done differently. It may not look like a US Sitcom, but it can be done. I have some idea of what I would like to happen next week ... But most importantly, I know what I am willing to do for my family Now and it looks and sounds VERY different than what I thought would be the right choice for our family months ago. I know understand so many things that I just could not understand when I was seeking treatment and prior. It's all about sacrifices and what you want to do in life. That is not the same for everyone. It doesn't have to be, We are allowed choices.

I could use your good thoughts and prayers if you wish .... This may scare some of you who are in the decision process now but I am hoping not.. I hope it allows you to take some pressure off yourself. Relax and enjoy where you are, and think unconventionally. We all know we are survivors ... We will do whatever it takes to get a job done .. Even if it means unconventional means ... It is ok to think outside the box ..It is ok to not do it the way you thought it would be done ... It;s ok to be yourself and not do things hte way everyone thinks it needs to be done. Have faith in yourselves .. We have a huge community of support ...

So there it is . ... It's out there .. and I will not fear what is next ..I am just trusting and living .. ... It will be what it will be. This is a new type of living for me. If anyone knows me, knows that this is 100% NOT the old me.. The old me planned EVERYTHING. I do not go outside the box. I do thinkgs the way the major do it. I am not a real risk taker.... I have back up plans for my backup plans .... But like the trite commercial says, Having a baby changes everything ....

20 comments:

Lissa said...

Good luck to you and your family.

Caro said...

Good luck with whatever you decide.

artblog06 said...

Good post my dear and well said and good luck from me too, hope it's an easy ride for you.

HUGS and a kiss!

Jen said...

Very well said Farah! It is amazing what a little baby can do to someone who used to be a planner. It is so much easier, just giving in and knowing that it will work out. Maybe not the way you planned, but it will. I wish you were closer, I'd totally watch mt for you. :)

Rebecca said...

Ummm...for someone who isn't poetic, that was beautifully written. It does change everything in ways you never see coming. Good luck with everything...whatever you decide, it will be fine.

alison said...

Good luck with what you decide. And thanks for the encouragement, I need it. :) Keeping you in my prayers.

Wordgirl said...

Oh Farah,

I have goosebumps for you -- it sounds so exciting -- and I think you can only do what you have done -- follow your instincts and follow your heart,

Love,

Pam

Mel said...

I love you. You know what my situation is, too, and I really needed to read something like this right now. I can honestly say you have helped me see so many times that I cannot expect or plan to do or feel any expected way once SHE is here. This whole thing has changed us permanently. The IF, the pregnancy, the baby... we are not the women we were when we started the journey, are we?
*hugs* and love
I am so proud of you...

AJ's mommy said...

Well written friend. I know in whatever you decide to do, you will make it work! I have no doubts. Good luck to you.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Well said. You are absolutely right. If there is one thing that I can guarantee to any new parent out there its that no matter the circumstances, you will always find a way to make it work to the benefit of your child. G and I juggle daycare with my parents and him and I HAVE to work to make that possible. Is it what I WANT--No. But the reality is that in the long run I have to do what is best of Lemy, not necessarily for me.

I am thinking of you and wishing you lots of luck, good thoughts, and warm prayers that whatever happens you and your family are happy. ((HUGS))

seussgirl said...

Wishing you the best in your decisions!

JJ said...

I love, love this post...you are definitely in my thoughts--as you saw on my blog the other day, Im having a hard time making any of these decisions. I know you will do what is best, and never look back=)

Amanda said...

You'll make the best decision for you and your family. You'll agonize over it and second guess yourself. Berate yourself for being selfish no matter what you decide. But ultimately you'll make the right decision. And if you decide after you make the decision that you didn't, then you can change course and make another decision. That's what life is. Hang in there and know you aren't alone.

WISHING...HOPING...and PRAYING said...

i related to this post so much. i too made the decision not to return to work, however, i know financially it ~may~ not have been the best decision for our family. BUT...i have to say that it was the BEST decision for my son. during the stressful times of making the decision not to return to work someone gave me great advice. they said, "your son doesn't need the things that the money from your job can buy. all he needs is his mommy!" we seem to be getting by, even in this crazy economy. and you are right...it works itself out! good luck!

Photogrl said...

This is what I love about you...you just tell it like it is. Honestly.

Whatever the future brings for you and your family, I'm thinking positive thoughts for you all!

(HUGS)

Katie said...

Here in solidarity.

And knowing that it will, somehow, work out.

Courtney said...

On the eve of such an important decision-making day, I am sending you thoughts of peace and clarity. I have no doubt that you will make the absolute best decision for you and your family.

Amanda said...

I understand. It is so hard.

Amanda said...

I'm glad that things are working out in a very unexpected but great way!

Kathy V said...

Farah, thanks so much for this post. While you say you are not poetic, you are a very good writer and I can completely empathize with you for the post you wrote. I think we all have choices to make all the time and you nicely wrote about all the heart and soul that goes into some of those choices. Thanks for letting your feelings be out there for all to see.