Just Words

I left work Tuesday and I was just relieved … It was a rough day. Not for reasons that you would think.

My well meaning co-workers, who I assume, were just trying to make small talk offered their unsolicited opinions about my decision to ask for a p/t work load temporarily.

I decided earlier that day that I was going to be candid with those that asked. I did this in hopes to escape the nasty rumor mill we have a work. (which is incredibly awful at my job) I explained that I asked our boss for a p/t schedule as long she could extend the opportunity to me. I explained that I knew that in the past p/t has not been an opportunity and I understand if p/t was still not an option, but I figured it would not hurt anything to ask. If I am allowed to go to p/t, it will not negatively affect any of my co-workers current assignments what so ever. It will allow my family to determine our financial needs in a real and practical sense. The Paper attempt only goes so far .. if ya know what I mean .. Real life never looks like the paper addition.

I listened to their take on the situation. I tried not to get emotional. I did pretty well taking jabs about my hormone levels being heightened, listening to statements that I made about myself pre-baby, choices as a parent that I have adjusted to and accept, and the state of the economy. Most things that E and I have discussed at length. Then there was the comparison of how opposed to bf-ing I was and how I have managed to adjust to that just fine if not better ….. I should give daycare the same chance as I gave bf-ing. I was told that it’s of the same mindset and those beginning feelings of uncertainty go away over time if that muscle is exercised. I was explained that the feeling of guilt goes away and that children benefit from daycare. And I can try to understand that as much as I can understand. I have to say though; I was slightly offended by the statement because It was such an in your face statement. It was meant to sting a little. It was said in a manner that led me to beleive that it was more of an attack towards me. Phrased in a way that stated, We did you, You can to if you stop being a big wimp about it. That is how I felt about it .. I could be wrong though. I know that I have changed my views leaps and bounds over the past few months. It seems that every day, I continue to write about how I am haunted by many of my past hurts and statements. Well, they just keep coming and coming. I am faced with these over and over again … Consequences of my own actions, I know that … I am not/was not prepared for this part of motherhood in the least bit. I lasted as long as I could and then I just started crying. I tried to explain that the daycare issue was not just that I think MT is too little for daycare. (which i need to clarify as being too young - because i keep getting told that he is not at all a little baby) I am unsure that his personality/needs would thrive in certain environments right now. (but that is another post) It also has to do with our finances. We are calculating working and paying for daycare. As anything in my life, the means have to justify the ends. Will my salary provide our family a better future? Is it all about the bucks? No, Is it all about daycare? No, It’s a complex.situation ..I feel like I am beating a dead horse on this blog topic really..but my heart/mind is plagued.

So, needless to say that after I left work, I was just exhausted. I mean I missed being at home with MT, but I don’t seem to have a problem leaving as long as I am fully confident in his Caretakers ability. I called E as soon as I got in the car. He just tends to makes things all better. He calmed some fear that was placed on me ( I allow this to happen to me over and over). Talked me down off the ladder of despair I was on. He just balances me.
On the drive home I thought about the past year. As 2008 comes to a close, I always try to relate a word with the year. This year the word seems to be Transition … I have gone from TTC for years, to Pregnant, to a mother. Talk about having to deal with a boat load of feelings/issues in a relatively small amount of time. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, and was undergoing treatment, but then Bam, One day everything changes. I was injecting med’s to assist folly growth, then Overnight, I became pregnant. No I am not complaining – Of course I was hoping to achieve pregnancy some day, But I did not allow myself to consider that eventually I would actually be pregnant. Then I had 10 months to adjust to pregnancy. But what I discovered in those 10 months is that most of that time is pressed to prepare for what comes after the pregnancy. So I felt like I was trying to adjust to pregnancy but being hurried to plan for motherhood .. I understand they are usually directly related …. But I didn’t directly relate them much. Then one morning I woke up and found out that I was going to deliver a baby. Then I delivered said baby and now I am here. In this place where I am now called a Mother ..It’s very daunting to try and sort through all of this in a very limited time frame. I am sure it is done with ease by many..but I guess I am just slow ..So, Here I am trying to sort through all of what has become …. Do you have a word that you will associate 2008 with?