Friday, December 12, 2008

Just Words

I left work Tuesday and I was just relieved … It was a rough day. Not for reasons that you would think.

My well meaning co-workers, who I assume, were just trying to make small talk offered their unsolicited opinions about my decision to ask for a p/t work load temporarily.

I decided earlier that day that I was going to be candid with those that asked. I did this in hopes to escape the nasty rumor mill we have a work. (which is incredibly awful at my job) I explained that I asked our boss for a p/t schedule as long she could extend the opportunity to me. I explained that I knew that in the past p/t has not been an opportunity and I understand if p/t was still not an option, but I figured it would not hurt anything to ask. If I am allowed to go to p/t, it will not negatively affect any of my co-workers current assignments what so ever. It will allow my family to determine our financial needs in a real and practical sense. The Paper attempt only goes so far .. if ya know what I mean .. Real life never looks like the paper addition.

I listened to their take on the situation. I tried not to get emotional. I did pretty well taking jabs about my hormone levels being heightened, listening to statements that I made about myself pre-baby, choices as a parent that I have adjusted to and accept, and the state of the economy. Most things that E and I have discussed at length. Then there was the comparison of how opposed to bf-ing I was and how I have managed to adjust to that just fine if not better ….. I should give daycare the same chance as I gave bf-ing. I was told that it’s of the same mindset and those beginning feelings of uncertainty go away over time if that muscle is exercised. I was explained that the feeling of guilt goes away and that children benefit from daycare. And I can try to understand that as much as I can understand. I have to say though; I was slightly offended by the statement because It was such an in your face statement. It was meant to sting a little. It was said in a manner that led me to beleive that it was more of an attack towards me. Phrased in a way that stated, We did you, You can to if you stop being a big wimp about it. That is how I felt about it .. I could be wrong though. I know that I have changed my views leaps and bounds over the past few months. It seems that every day, I continue to write about how I am haunted by many of my past hurts and statements. Well, they just keep coming and coming. I am faced with these over and over again … Consequences of my own actions, I know that … I am not/was not prepared for this part of motherhood in the least bit. I lasted as long as I could and then I just started crying. I tried to explain that the daycare issue was not just that I think MT is too little for daycare. (which i need to clarify as being too young - because i keep getting told that he is not at all a little baby) I am unsure that his personality/needs would thrive in certain environments right now. (but that is another post) It also has to do with our finances. We are calculating working and paying for daycare. As anything in my life, the means have to justify the ends. Will my salary provide our family a better future? Is it all about the bucks? No, Is it all about daycare? No, It’s a complex.situation ..I feel like I am beating a dead horse on this blog topic really..but my heart/mind is plagued.

So, needless to say that after I left work, I was just exhausted. I mean I missed being at home with MT, but I don’t seem to have a problem leaving as long as I am fully confident in his Caretakers ability. I called E as soon as I got in the car. He just tends to makes things all better. He calmed some fear that was placed on me ( I allow this to happen to me over and over). Talked me down off the ladder of despair I was on. He just balances me.
On the drive home I thought about the past year. As 2008 comes to a close, I always try to relate a word with the year. This year the word seems to be Transition … I have gone from TTC for years, to Pregnant, to a mother. Talk about having to deal with a boat load of feelings/issues in a relatively small amount of time. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, and was undergoing treatment, but then Bam, One day everything changes. I was injecting med’s to assist folly growth, then Overnight, I became pregnant. No I am not complaining – Of course I was hoping to achieve pregnancy some day, But I did not allow myself to consider that eventually I would actually be pregnant. Then I had 10 months to adjust to pregnancy. But what I discovered in those 10 months is that most of that time is pressed to prepare for what comes after the pregnancy. So I felt like I was trying to adjust to pregnancy but being hurried to plan for motherhood .. I understand they are usually directly related …. But I didn’t directly relate them much. Then one morning I woke up and found out that I was going to deliver a baby. Then I delivered said baby and now I am here. In this place where I am now called a Mother ..It’s very daunting to try and sort through all of this in a very limited time frame. I am sure it is done with ease by many..but I guess I am just slow ..So, Here I am trying to sort through all of what has become …. Do you have a word that you will associate 2008 with?

20 comments:

Mel said...

2008 for me = unexpected

I feel for you and I am sorry for your bad day. I know that well-meaning people often cross over boundaries when it comes to trying to tell us how/why we should live our lives. You are a great mother, Farah, and these decisions are yours and E's alone to make. Regardless of what you ever once thought or said, you are here in the moment now and it is your time to be in control. I am wishing the best for you, as always.
*hugs*

seussgirl said...

2008 - Stretched (or alternatively - growth)
Like you, I have gone through so much change this past year and have dealt with things I wasn't sure I could handle, yet here I am today. Not perfect, maybe not even better in some areas, but definitely stretched past where I was this time last year. I'm working on a post in my head about this; maybe one day I'll actually get it written. :)

I'm sorry you've had to take crap from your co-workers; just stick to your guns and remember it's about what's best for YOUR family, not what anyone else has decided is good for them.

Wordgirl said...

2008 for me is Bittersweet.

I understand. I left a job I was devoted to and worked very hard to get -- and there were times I questioned it, but I had to listen to my heart -- and there wasn't any doubt what it was saying.

2008 has brought incredible joys, a growing bond with my husband and stepson -- a wonderful house and dog -- and settling into life as a SAHSM (stepmom) -- and of course the unknowns of our infertility journey...

I have to believe that if we listen to our hearts -- we're on the right track.

Love and peace to you Farah,

Pam

alison said...

2008 - FAST. Holy crap, time is flying. I don't ever remember a year going this quickly.

Sorry for your sucky day. Don't be hard on yourself, you're doing the best that you can, and no one should expect anything more. You and E seem to have a plan in place, even if the plan is to be flexible for now. You told me the other day that things find a way of working themselves out. :) Don't worry about what other people think, someone will always have a "better" idea of how you should live your life. They're just bored and meddling. At then end of the day you and E are responsible for your family and everyone else needs to butt out. Big hugs to you.

bethkyle said...

2008 - pregnant for me....

just remember - it doesn't matter what other people say - it is your decision - you do what you and DH feel is best and what you can handle - and whatever that is is no one else's business...and their opinion is unwelcomed ... you are such a good and caring person and i admire the beautiful transition you have made into motherhood...i am so glad to have gotten to know you...

WISHING...HOPING...and PRAYING said...

rollercoaster

is that one word or 2? well...my year has had really high ups (having a baby), and really low lows (toddler breaking leg/financial worries/baby in NICU)

i like the idea of thinking of a word for each year. nice new tradition. thanks!

Kate said...

I agree with Alison - Fast. It's been a whirlwind.

I'm sorry about your co-workers. It's NONE of their business.

Kami said...

sleepy?

Not that I am complaining, but I do seem to be in a constant fog.

The good and the bad about what DH and I went through to get pregnant meant that we got pretty good at adjusting to a life in upheaval. Still, there was a moment after LB was born when I was reminded of what it felt like right after my second miscarriage and I thought for a moment how comforting it was to know how life was going to play out. At that moment I was having a hard time with the change to motherhood too.

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

2008 = journey for me

Oh Farah, what a post. Don't let those turkeys get you down. They aren't living your life and walking in your shoes. You have to do what's right for you, even if it's a departure from your original plan. Don't let anyone ever make you feel bad for that. Balancing work and motherhood is tough stuff.

You are doing great and I am cheering you on!

Miss X said...

Hi, I'm new here but want to know if you work where I work. Seriously, my coworkers are the same. I feel like I'm back in high school.

Don't let your coworkers affect your decision. Do what's best for your family. You may not always have the job, but you'll always have your family.

Geohde said...

Fatigue.

J

Lisa said...

My word - insanity.

And you make whatever decision is right for your family. No matter what anyone else says or thinks.
J and I made a tough decision and we have and probably will continue to get some comments from others, but it's what works best for us.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

2008 = surrender

I'm so sorry you had a rough day and that you're coworkers just don't understand boundaries as far as offering advice. I completely understand. ((HUGS))

Caro said...

So sorry that your co-workers have been so unhelpful. The adjustment to being a mother changes us soi much I don't think it's surprising that we end up do and thinking some things differently to what we expect.

ms. c said...

A hug for you today. I'm sorry you had to deal with the crazies at work. I find that people too often say things like "Well I did it and survived, so you should be able to deal with it too." Not very supportive. You shouldn't have to defend your choices and feelings. I just don't get people who expect that you should. Bottom line: you have to do what's right for you, MT and E!

As for this year: Change.

Barb said...

Great points sweetie.

Barb said...

2008 for me = sad and sadly hopeful

Photogrl said...

2008 for me = Frustrated

Frustrated on so many different levels. TTC, work, just life in general. But this isn't about me, it's about you.

I'm sorry that coworkers are not being receptive to you going P/T. And that they are not supporting you decision. YOU are doing what's right for your family right now. Period. And that's all that matters.

Big ((HUGS))

AJ's mommy said...

2008="blessed"

Work doesn't ever seem to understand. You just have to do what is going to work for you and E.

Good luck to you Farah.

Dreamer4agift said...

2008=changes...m/c, loved ones dying, and now pregnancy...whew

Farah, I think that you're doing the right thing. You and E are doing what YOU have talked about is the best thing. Just like when we go through IF, everyone has their opinion--'just relax', 'just adopt', 'let it go', etc. Everyone has a story or 'what they heard'. But when it comes down to it, they don't matter. Take what they say with a grain of salt. Granted, sometimes we need to listen to an outsiders opinion b/c they might see something we don't. However, when it comes down to it, you and E are learning every day what works/doesn't work for YOU, and no one else. I think you're doing a GREAT job as both a wife, mother, and friend. ((hugs))