Friday, February 29, 2008

Evolution of Me's

This post contains some of my deepest feelings/flaws – regardless of how petty/mean/wrong you view them – please remember that this is my blog with my feelings and I am a work in progress (daily): This post is going to go through my stages/views on this whole thing referred to as pregnancy/motherhood. It’s been brewing for about 5+ months now. I am not sure if this is a normal reaction to pregnancy after experiencing struggles, losses, and let downs or of this is just normal progression through life.

I have been dealing with 2000000000 different emotions lately. It’s more complex emotions than happy, sad, glad etc. Mostly Guilt– Poured on Thick (guilt of all kinds, mostly led by past/present fears, past jealousy, and insecurities)
Pretty much every day since the seeing 2 lines to seeing a heartbeat - I have remembered (or been reminded of) the Pre-TTC (~ college) me Either by other people but mostly my thoughts – Pre TTC-Me would walk around announcing things like “She never wanted kids”; there was always a reason. Too messy, too needy, too loud, too busy, too much responsibility, too (insert whatever excuse here), etc… This statements at that time were Part true, part was said out of fear (of a few things: responsibility, fear that I wouldn’t be able to because my periods have always been wonky, fear of the unknown, fear I would “screw them up”, pass on bad genes or my fused vertebrate, you name it, I have thought it – yes even the really bad or shallow ones) I think I actually wrote a paper in college or stated that I viewed pregnancy as selfish act when we have so many homeless, abandoned, abused, unloved children needing homes.

Then Came fresh TTC me- (right after we got married), something changed, I wanted to be pregnant and have children. Our children. So we tried, and tried, and tried and cried, and had weird things going on with my period – Weird things going on with my body …. Then came a front row seat of watching most of my friends getting married and having children. I started getting saddened by each announcement. The more announcements the more sad and hopeless I felt. We had experienced some difficult things for me to talk about and set-backs. I refused to think/talk about them for the most part. I was embarrassed of me and my body. I would just cry. I suddenly realized I wasn’t so fresh anymore. I was not yet seasoned, but I was sprinkled with bitterness, resentment, angst, anger, depression, fear, panic and many other negative feelings. These were creeping in my daily life. I found it hard to function – I went through waves of emotions over a 4 year period. I would try to concentrate and focus on other things: work, hobbies, new friends (that didn’t have children). I didn’t realize that I was all that bitter and angry alot of the time. I remember saying/thinking (LOTS and LOTS of) things. Things that would protect my heart, mind and soul. I was having a very difficult time determining how to communicate, or how to relate to people. Even how to function with all of the bitter and anger and frustration that I felt inside. It was a bad, bad, bad time in my life. I wanted to not experience those feelings but I just didn't know what or how to get them to leave me alone. There was a quote in a book I read with the barren brigade that basically stated that bitterness and loneliness crept in the characters mind in bed at night torturing her. That was me, insomnia at it's finest. I understood those encounters. I wasn't able to pinpoint how I felt at the time and didn’t realize how hurt and hurtful I could be to myself and others. I just knew that I wanted to give birth to a child really badly.

Then I began the "admitting I need help" phase. The testing phase. I remember thinking, I am trying SO hard to obtain something that only a few years ago I was cursing – So I must be jinxed. It must be fate. I’m doomed. I felt like I had spoken my troubles into existence. It took a few tries to find a good practice, but once found a practice I was comfortable in, the Dr’s were hopeful and very proactive. They listened and tried to explain things and suggested procedures/tests that they wanted to do. I felt like the ball was rolling. It felt good to me. It felt empowering. Knowledge and eliminations were happening and I was actually enjoying it and found out that my body that I hated really wasn’t all that bad. Things could be worse. I had Open tubes, no endo, 2 ovaries with ½ an ovary removed from its weird location. Then came months of monitored anovulatory cycles. Which brought on more experience, frustrations and more pregnant friends. My body/mind shut down, for a while. I become a ball of unpleasantness. I remember saying things to protect my fears, heart, soul. Making deals with myself.

TTC-Me had lofty ideas about being pregnant (and staying pregnant). You know the dream life. Ideal situations. The statements that start of “Well, When I am pregnant I am going to do this, feel this way, act this way, wear this, eat this, never do this, etc”. “Once I have the baby, life is going to be just like this… Usually includes a white picket fence, a husband that Looks like (insert dream man here) and has the greenest grass you have ever seen in your life with a fluffy dog running around. Well- that was TTC-Me - Lots of Grand Ideas/lofty notions with everything planned out accordingly.
When the RE diagnosed me with P.CO.S, (about where this blog starts) I cannot tell you how relieved I was. ( I was a little sad but mostly just excited and relieved). There was a problem. The more I researched, read, discovered about P.CO.S, “It” all started to make since. It gave me some answers on a few pre-ttc experiences I had and lots of ttc experiences we had encountered. I felt like there as a hallelujah moment – where angels come out and sing and shine a big huge spot light on you. When that Light is spotlighting me, I started to rethink some of things that I have said/done in the past slightly … And then this blog picks up and you know the rest of that story.

This blog has provided a new prospective, an opening of my mind, and direct way of therapy for me in many ways and was helping pave the way for a new TTC me. It opened many doors to my heart that allowed me to venture off and heal some past wounds, seek knowledge and know that I am not the only one that has some of these thoughts and feelings. It gave me a place to have some of these thoughts and work through them. Do soul searching and just plain receive simple and genuine support. (It has also been a bit of accountability or a way to keep myself in check)

Pregnant Me – has had a lot of emotions also, as you can see if you want to read back starting in Nov. 07 - But mostly Pregnant Me has been dealing with a lot of grief and guilt brought on by a huge dose of reality. Most of this guilt/grief was directed at TTC-Me but has some to do with the Pre-TTC-Me also. Those Me’s are having to experience something in a very different light than they would have expected. (as most of us struggling do) The pregnant Me is dealing with reality and regrets on many statements, opinions, views, judgements in a major way. The Pregnant Me – is having to deal with MANY numerous consequences from my own thoughts or other individuals. Statements and views I once had now about a reality that I knew nothing about. The Pregnant me found out there are so many things that I didn't realize had to be considered and discussed as a possibility of pregnancy, and preparing for a child. Things that sound bitter and angry now coming back to haunt. (one example, my SMil emailings - which is why that part of my life has been blogged about most recently. It has dredged up more old feelings/situations) I have a very active mind that loves to let me beat myself up pretty good- more than others may/will know. Too many times to really even count. Most of those consequential results are due to my own guilt in my own head. It could be due to hormones, or experiences, life, changes, maturing, I am not really sure – but I am learning and experiencing things that are changing my views. People change. Situations change. And that is why there is compassion and grace. I am now walking through this life, trying to enjoy this pregnancy to it's fullest– because ya know the TTC-Me SAID she “would enjoy every minute of it and NEVER complain”, she “COULD NOT believe those women that complain about being pregnant – It’s the greatest thing in the whole world”. The pregnant me claims that as much as it is the greatest thing in the world (thus far) and I am truly grateful for this experience, it is not all that easy. I am learning. I am changing, My views are changing. My situations are changing. There are times where I now feel like, when I am reminded of the Old Pre/TTC Me – It makes me feel terrible and embarrassed. Then I am reminded of my faith, grace and compassion. I am finding myself always growing and trying to be a better person and trying to conquer/overcome those past memories/experiences. I feel like, through all of this, I am learning the deepest meaning of compassion and grace.

So there it is .. Maybe I am the only person that allows these situations to stay in my over-active mind and beat myself up. This experience for me has been humbling, healing, educational and has put many things in perspective for me. It honestly has allowed me to learn about and apply more compassion and grace to others and myself. I am learning how to let things go. I can not obsess about thoughts/opinions/views that I Had, I have to concentrate on the present and work towards the future to make it better.


Mel said...

This is really so sincere and from the heart. Thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing your feelings with us the way you do. You are a wonderful human being and I am so glad you have come to such a great place in your life and your pregnancy. Nothing like infertility to mold and shape character and the way our minds work, eh?

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

what an honest and open post. it really spoke to me. i have those "me's" too and i find myself constantly haunted by things i said and once thought, and here i thought i was the only one!

thanks for this

Anonymous said...

It ate my first comment, so let's hope this one is as good.

I am so proud that you're opening up and also of how far you've come. I'm sure you're not alone in how you feel. It must be very difficult with all of your conflicting emotions. (((hugs)))

The only words of wisdome I have for you are the same ones I give myself every day. Without your past you would not be who you are today. And personally I think you rock! You know I love you!!!

Kathy V said...

It is amazing how much we are able to learn on this journey and I 'm not just talking about temping, ovulating, pcos, etc. It is amazing how we look at ourselves and realize we have changed. some for the good and some for the not so good but we all take it forward with us into the future. We look at were we have been and who we are and realize the emotions and feelings that lie down deep in our soul. Thank you for sharing with us the ways in which you have changed emotionally. It was so real, and true and showed a piece of your soul. It was very touching.

Chas said...

This was very honest and probably exactly what many women in your situation are feeling. I know I've gone through many transformations since we start TTC. I've definitely learned NEVER to say NEVER!

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Change is a symbol of the evolution of self. If we stayed the same people we were when we were younger we would never get anywhere in life.

I know its hard, but try not to feel bad for things you felt and said years ago before your life became what it is. And as for your feelings now, you have to be honest with yourself. Pregnancy is hard. It's hard physically, emotionally, and mentally. To voice said difficulties is simply stating the truth, and its your truth and that is ok.

I love reading your posts and hearing about your experiences. Thank you for sharing. HUGS.

Katie said...

There are so many versions of myself, that if I tried to post about all of them, it would take HOURS.

I get exactly what you are saying, though. I even catch myself doing it now, there is a "pregnant ME" that still makes the "after having the baby ME" into this perfect world that will never exist.

Thank you for sharing.

bethkyle said...

Thank you! It is truly an honor to have someone so open. I think many of us have those same thoughts...thank you for carrying on the torch and giving all of us a place to give a big sigh of relief that we are not the only ones feeling such thoughts!

Morrisa said...

Wow...your post brought tears to my eyes. I swear I could have written it (other than the pg part obviously.) You are an amazing person and a great source of comfort to me in the times when I need it the most. ((hugs))

Gabby said...

Awesome post! You will find that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. I too lately have been experiencing similar things. I wish I knew exactly what to say. I don't. Maybe together we will all overcome these things. I know there are so many who share these feelings with you... Even though I know I don't have the right works...I know it helps to know your not alone!

sara said...

Thanks for always being such an open book here, that takes a lot of courage. I often think there a lot of things I want to say, but are afraid to..maybe someday.

I think most people go through that portion of their life where they don't want to be pregnant, and then if they later have problems with it..have so many more compounding emotions. At least I have. Maybe someday I'll get up enough balls to write about it myself. It's something I think of often.

Thanks again for being so has truly been a blessing to get to know you more and more. You have helped me get through some difficult days, even if you don't realize it..just by a comment, or something you have wrtitten about!

Baby Deux! said...

I honestly don't know what to day other than thank you for always being so open and HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!!

I need to go weep now....

In and Out of Luck said...

What a nice post. Thank you. Don't be down on yourself for the old thoughts, like writing that paper in college. And for what it's worth I too promised God (on a daily basis, both the first time around and this time too) that if I became pregnant, I would NEVER ask for anything else. And I meant it. And I always turned around, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, and asked for something else. I've got to think that we all do that. You're doing great, though, because you're giving back to a community that needs it!

Cibele said...

wow, what a honest, open, and sincere post! It got me thinking and made me visit mamy emotions. Thanks for sharing about the different "you's"...we all have so many versions of ourselves... you're not alone

Dreamer4agift said...

There's not much to say...your openness is appreciated. I, too, have a few "me's", but I try to push them away...guess I'll have to address them one day. Thank you for being open and honest. I love ya girl and am grateful for having you in my life. Don't be ashamed to share how you feel with your pregnancy. Those of us that haven't made it to that point yet can hopefully learn from you.

Barb said...

WOW. That is one hell of a post! Beautiful.

You are most definitely NOT the only one who beats yourself up like that. I also suspect you are a lot more wonderful that you give yourself credit for.

Lots of hugs and thanks for sharing this with us.

hope548 said...

Great post. I'm glad you're getting things out and letting things go. It seems so healthy. I hope you can let all that guilt go, because you're right, people change and people grow, and you didn't know any better then.

My_Herstory said...

That's an honest post! It's really good to see that I'm not the only person who talks about the past and present me's as different people. It's a good way to help yourself grow and heal.
You're awesome!

Marcy "meg" said...

this is a great post and thank you for being honest. I highly doubt you are alone in your thoughts at all!

Anonymous said...

Dearest Farah,

Bless your heart, sweet Momma-2-b.

You have nailed it all... every emotion, every thought, every sniping comment about a pregnant coworker, or complaining pregnant friend.

And especially this: "I was embarrassed of me and my body." That was SO ME forever and ever and ever.

And today I am on CD 1... without ANY MEDS, for the 3rd month in a row. How did that happen? And who can really love CD1, but STILL! No meds!


You are the best. Thank you for being so honest. Please don't beat yourself up anymore. Like you said (and the song says) seasons change, people change.

Love ya!