Thursday, January 31, 2008

What Might Have Been

I haven’t had a real post in months – I have been too afraid to say much, I have been trying to deal with my anxiety rationally. I am still working on dealing with my irrational and anxious thoughts. After dealing with some family stuff a few years ago, I am now convinced that this is a family trait. Worry, Doom/gloom, anxiety and etc. I am a some what of a people-pleaser and I know that some will judge me on this post about how after yrs of IF i should just be grateful -well, Life is life and that's all i gotta say about that ...

Warning – a real hard emotional post for me to admit/type (please do not throw daggers).

Pre-Pregnant Me – had all of these lofty ideas about pregnancy, pregnant women, and life. Now, 18 weeks pregnant me, has new theories: ( i won't bore you with them yet)

I should back this up a bit – I work in a job in which I have talked myself into staying at for quite some time now (i should state i love my job tasks) its the agency that is the problem)– because of great retirement plans and job security. ( I have wanted to leave several times, but kept telling myself that my earned time will help out during maternity leave – because I could use it as paid leave) I also talked myself into staying because looking/starting a new job while seeking treatments/testings/procedures would just be “harder” to explain and request/ask for time off.

Before the whole Infertility Treatment Realization: I stayed at my job because I knew that when I got pregnant, this would not be “hard job” to manage with a family, I earn time off, I have good benefits, and It’s flexible somewhat. It would be easy to work while being pregnant and then would be suitable for raising a child and daycare schedules and managing family duties.

Then things became more and more difficult to get/stay pregnant. I have suffered through 3 m/c at this job (not because of this job) – and I was able to take as much time as I needed to deal with my body/mind. (Remember time earned- and understanding Supervisors) This was/is a huge blessing for me because I do not Love my job. It pays bills – I am here because it pays bills

I had some family hardship a few yrs ago and had to take ~ 3.5 month of my time earned to help out with that situation (not consecutively but roughly) basically – it wiped out 80% of my time earned left. That time is time I had set aside for my maternity leave – but Life happens and you have to deal. I am a planner. It sucked having to watch what I thought was going to be my maternity leave used for other family matters. Then I was bitter and thought I would never need it for maternity leave anyway. Taking that time was necessary and I’d do it again in a heartbeat – No regrets. (Just consequences)

I have also had to take leave for testings/treatments/procedures. My earned leave has not had much time to build itself back up from all of this activity. Over the past 2 yrs.

Once again, it seems my perfect plan that I had, did not work out the way I thought it would. It has worked out This way but not how I intended it – and I can’t do anything about that. I now feel like an extra pressure has been placed upon me. (or maybe it’s myself adding extra pressure on myself) because my earned leave time is pathetic. Coming to work has been very difficult, I won’t lie. There have been work things going on that just purely suck the ever loving life out of me and make me want to infect harm to some. This also makes it hard to come to work. I have stayed at my job thus far because it pays bills and has allowed me to take time off when needed, help finance our fertility treatments ..etc But I have always wanted to leave. (i should state i love my job, it's the agency that is the problem) I have a college education, it’s not like I can’t go apply elsewhere. But now, I am pregnant, and wanting to take time off- It’s not the best time/opportunity to go look for a new job. And with little leave, I can not take much time off (I have to save for the dr’s appointments/materunity leave – my work will not let me go on leave w/o pay w/o a few consequences) My husband and I have a nightly discussion about how I dislike my job, and it has only gotten worse the more weeks pass and I realize less weeks remain until my due date. (I will receive ~12 more paychecks before my due date- please know that we are not completely living paycheck to paycheck- it’s just a realization/time measurement tool for me)

I am the praying type and I have asked for some perspective and guidance in this area of my life now because, In the county that I live in only has ~3 available daycares – they are all ~$1000 a month. Only 1 is close to my house. It has a ~11 month waiting list. Which means If I sign up and pay my deposit now, I will get childcare in December 08 or Jan 09. I am having a hard time with this idea. I have to put a deposit on something NOW that will affect me in 11 months. It’s mind blowing. Even for a planner, That’s just so long to plan for many variables. (due date, maternity leave, husband job schedule, insert bad thoughts here, my work, our financial state, Do I really want Daycare?, how long will i take off, will i take off, what will be best for us, etc)

I have so many thoughts going through my mind, it’s hard to focus and get real clarity and real thoughts that will be helpful. I keep going over the thought that I stayed in this job for convenience. I know I am not alone in that realization – But reading
Alison’s post today – I realized I missed the boat on some things that I shouldn’t have. I do not really have regrets, Just realizations that I am working through .. Life will go on


Kami said...

Personally, I think life is too short to stay in a crappy job. It can suck the life out of you - not only at work, but effect your home life as well.

You never know how things are going to turn out and IF has definitely taught me that plans fall through. It has also taught me that sometimes you need to just take a chance and see how it turns out.

Good luck on figuring out a path that works well for you.

Kate said...

I have stayed too long at two jobs and it really does start to weigh on you. Maybe after the baby gets here you can take a look around for another job if that is something that seems doable for you. As for the opther things, I never knew about complicated thoughts until I got pregnant. I never would have imagined that something I wanted so badly would cause me so many scary and conflicted thoughts.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I find myself in a similar position. I love my job, but I don't know if I want to stay there and do what I do, but at this point I'm basically stuck. No one want to hire a pregnant woman and G is out of work, so yeah. I know how you're feeling.

It can be really frustrating at times, but I always tell myself that there are worse problems to have. It's gotten me through so far, but I'm not sure how long that will last.

Sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts your way! :)

Delenn said...

Sorry you are in this quandry. I have had similar feelings about my job, but I have made some peace with it for now (esp. since I cannot foresee being able to find another one while preg.).

I hope a solution comes to you.

Barb said...

I'm sorry you're having all these difficulties. :( I was reading too that pregnancy and even just the preparation for pregnancies usually changes us so profoundly that our priorities and even likes and dislikes completely shift.

No matter how long you've been trying, this kind of change in your life is bound to bring about some complications. I hope you can find some sort of peace and balance.

And daycare is absolutely ridiculous. :(

Chas said...

Hmm..I don't really know what to say. I can't get a feel for if you HAVE TO stay at your job or know, for the benefits. If you don't have to have the benefits, then it doesn't sound as if you should stay. If you have to stay...well, you can always search for a babysitter. I didn't put Lila in daycare after I returned to work last year, b/c I felt safer with her having more one on one attention as an infant. I only paid $80 per week...which is crazy cheap, even for around here. After one school year though, I knew it was time to become a stay at home was just something I had to do, and we're making it work even though it's hard sometimes.

gracechild said...

i used to resent my job for a long time until i started seeing it as a give & take contract. It gives me the resources to achieve the lifestyle that I want & in return I give my employers their money's worth of my mental/physical resources. My attitude to work has improved radically since I started thinking along that line. I hope you find peace in your plans & God directs your thoughts & footsteps.

Kathy V said...

Well, I hope you can sort it out. I know I have a great job too but sometimes I think about finding something a little closer to home. It takes me an hour to get here and an hour to go home. Maybe you can make your plans for now but think about changing plans after the baby is born.

Gabby said...

I just wanted to know I am right there with you on this Farah. I know you and I both work for the state of Florida. Things have gotten a bit crappy lately and they are expecting some big budget cuts coming up in March and July, so I am a bit worried. But like you, I am not in a position where I can just up and leave right now. Plus, I can't have the added stress of job hunting! I too do not have a whole lot of leave saved up, but luckily I am accruing it and should have enough by the time I go out on maternity leave. I will also still be accruing time while out on leave. ALSO, my boss has been so great and lets me work extra hours by coming in early or not taking lunches. This way those extra hours, I write them down in my notebook, and use those for doctors appointments and such. That way, I am not using up my accrued leave. Maybe this could be an option for you? Now, on the daycare note, I just went through that whole process and decided daycare is not for me. The price of daycare is about $100 - $115 a week. This is the same price for an individual babysitter at a $100 a week also. I decided on an individual babysitter. It fits my schedule better. I can't stand the thought of my 6 week old baby going into a daycare. I also wanted to mention that I do get a state discount at the daycare here on campus. Are there any around that off that in your area? Ask around! Sorry for the long comment! I did have more to add, but I think this touched the most important things. Hope that helps! Your not alone and e-mail me ANYTIME!

Kathy V said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog. Do you actually hear in Florida if the groundhog saw it shadow or not?

Melissa said...

Life will always go on, you are right. I will pray for you that you can figure all this stuff out and come to a solution that you find most peace with.

Anonymous said...

Breathe, darlin'. Just like we can't wish our days away, we can't think about what might have been (which is, conveniently, another country song I can refer to if you'll let me :). There is a reason you didn't jump ship during the last 2+ years, and you may not see the reason quite yet, but I think there is one. Like you said, trying to find a new job while pregnant sounds difficult and it might add more stress and pressure than you already have.

I understand your job situation completely - I don't love my job at all, but I'm stuck here for a while longer for a few reasons. I feel like I have the "grass is always greener" syndrome - I don't like this job, and I didn't like my last job, so what will be different in my next job?

Keep praying, that's important. Sometimes God doesn't say yes or no, he just says not right now. I'm hoping you'll find some peace and clarity on what you're supposed to be doing. When the time comes to make a decision, you'll know. Just trust your instinct, it's there for a reason.

hugs to you!


i was put in a semi-comparable situation w/ my 1st pregnancy. i was a teacher and looking forward to my 6 wks maternity leave (paid) and then the summer off. unfortunately my body had other plans. i was on bed rest hooked up to an iv for 6 weeks of the first trimester due to dehydration. then on bed rest the entire 3rd trimester. needless to say, i used up all my time and had to take maternity and leave unpaid. it was very difficult. i agonized (spelling?) over the decision to go back to work. i decided to stay home with my child. i will admit...financially it is tough, but i wouldn't change my decision for the world. work is work, but remember you only live once! good luck with your decision!

Anns said...

Life is just full of the unexpected my dear - that's a fact. Don't beat yourself up too hard for this, you were only trying to do the best for your un-born, un-conceived child. I think that makes you a better Mom than most out there, and promise me, things will fall into line when they need to.

Serendipity happens... trust me.

hope548 said...

It's amazing the things you don't think about when you're on that one track to pregnancy. Once you get there, you're faced with the rest of reality again and it gets tough. I hope you gain some perspective and figure out what you want to do soon! You'll get there.

lub said...

I am glad your vacay was great. I am beginning to get panicky myself about the down the road decisions. It would not help if I didn't love my job. I feel for you. I hope that you have a great weekend!

chicklet said...

The job stuff is so bloody hard. I hate mine right now - hate it. Not what I do, just that I have to do it here cuz it's most convenient with treatments. It really sucks sometimes.

Hang in there. Maybe you're on a path now to make new decisions re the job?

Anonymous said...

Fara, my sweet friend. **big hugs**

"some will judge me on this post about how after yrs of IF i should just be grateful"

I'm at 15 years of dealing with infertility, so I feel completely qualified in telling those who judge you to back the hell off.

1. It's your life. It's a long and hard road (for me, it also took meds and counseling) to stop being such a people pleaser and stop having anxiety and panic attacks.

2. It's your blog. Whatever happens, and whomever gets pissy, this is still your blog and you can write whatever you want to. I have another blog whose access is blocked by the public so I can write my feelings on this infertility journey, and all that's upcoming in my life... without being judged.

3. I think you're amazing. And since you are the "praying type" you know that lots of times, things seem the most bleak right before they change and everything comes out even better than you hoped for.


wanttobeamom said...

Realizations are good. I agree that going to a crappy job everyday may just not be worth it. Gabby's idea of a baby sitter may be something to think about, if you can find one you trust in your area. Just keep praying. I'm sure you will come up with a solution that works for you.

BTW, I tagged you.

Pamela Jeanne said...

I'm reminded again of the John Lennon quote, "life is what happens when we're busy making other plans."

I keep thinking life will follow my neatly constructed plans, but I'm coming to realize that I can only control so much...

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Kim said...

I'm sorry you're in this situation. In an odd way, it reminds me of my husband, who says he'll stay in his job until after the baby comes, but he's miserable.

Our jobs are just supposed to be our jobs but isn't it weird how they consume so much time and thought? When work is bad so much other stuff feels outta whack.

Hope you find some resolve soon.

P.S. Loved the pictures you posted. Looked like so much fun!

Geohde said...

The job thing sounds like a real dilemma.

I hope you find a solution that works,



Katie said...

I could have written this post - though not nearly as well as you have!

These thoughts run through my mind constantly, and I hope for some resolution before the baby is born. But part of me thinks I will wonder right up to the day. . . and beyond.

I hope you are able to find some workable solutions soon.

christina(apronstrings) said...

oh dear. what a horrible time to not like your job. bah.
i hope you get the guidance you seek.

lady in waiting said...

Gosh, that is a tough one with the job dilemma. I know you'll figure something out. Good luck.
Congrats on 18w btw.

Marcy "meg" said...

I know this is all tough... My job doesn't have the best leave policies either.. but it pays very well... so it is one of those catch 22 things. Good luck in figuring this out.. but I have no doubts you will. Things usually work out how they are supposed to.

When do you get another look at the baby to see the sex???