I haven’t had a real post in months – I have been too afraid to say much, I have been trying to deal with my anxiety rationally. I am still working on dealing with my irrational and anxious thoughts. After dealing with some family stuff a few years ago, I am now convinced that this is a family trait. Worry, Doom/gloom, anxiety and etc. I am a some what of a people-pleaser and I know that some will judge me on this post about how after yrs of IF i should just be grateful -well, Life is life and that's all i gotta say about that ...
Warning – a real hard emotional post for me to admit/type (please do not throw daggers).
Pre-Pregnant Me – had all of these lofty ideas about pregnancy, pregnant women, and life. Now, 18 weeks pregnant me, has new theories: ( i won't bore you with them yet)
I should back this up a bit – I work in a job in which I have talked myself into staying at for quite some time now (i should state i love my job tasks) its the agency that is the problem)– because of great retirement plans and job security. ( I have wanted to leave several times, but kept telling myself that my earned time will help out during maternity leave – because I could use it as paid leave) I also talked myself into staying because looking/starting a new job while seeking treatments/testings/procedures would just be “harder” to explain and request/ask for time off.
Before the whole Infertility Treatment Realization: I stayed at my job because I knew that when I got pregnant, this would not be “hard job” to manage with a family, I earn time off, I have good benefits, and It’s flexible somewhat. It would be easy to work while being pregnant and then would be suitable for raising a child and daycare schedules and managing family duties.
Then things became more and more difficult to get/stay pregnant. I have suffered through 3 m/c at this job (not because of this job) – and I was able to take as much time as I needed to deal with my body/mind. (Remember time earned- and understanding Supervisors) This was/is a huge blessing for me because I do not Love my job. It pays bills – I am here because it pays bills
I had some family hardship a few yrs ago and had to take ~ 3.5 month of my time earned to help out with that situation (not consecutively but roughly) basically – it wiped out 80% of my time earned left. That time is time I had set aside for my maternity leave – but Life happens and you have to deal. I am a planner. It sucked having to watch what I thought was going to be my maternity leave used for other family matters. Then I was bitter and thought I would never need it for maternity leave anyway. Taking that time was necessary and I’d do it again in a heartbeat – No regrets. (Just consequences)
I have also had to take leave for testings/treatments/procedures. My earned leave has not had much time to build itself back up from all of this activity. Over the past 2 yrs.
Once again, it seems my perfect plan that I had, did not work out the way I thought it would. It has worked out This way but not how I intended it – and I can’t do anything about that. I now feel like an extra pressure has been placed upon me. (or maybe it’s myself adding extra pressure on myself) because my earned leave time is pathetic. Coming to work has been very difficult, I won’t lie. There have been work things going on that just purely suck the ever loving life out of me and make me want to infect harm to some. This also makes it hard to come to work. I have stayed at my job thus far because it pays bills and has allowed me to take time off when needed, help finance our fertility treatments ..etc But I have always wanted to leave. (i should state i love my job, it's the agency that is the problem) I have a college education, it’s not like I can’t go apply elsewhere. But now, I am pregnant, and wanting to take time off- It’s not the best time/opportunity to go look for a new job. And with little leave, I can not take much time off (I have to save for the dr’s appointments/materunity leave – my work will not let me go on leave w/o pay w/o a few consequences) My husband and I have a nightly discussion about how I dislike my job, and it has only gotten worse the more weeks pass and I realize less weeks remain until my due date. (I will receive ~12 more paychecks before my due date- please know that we are not completely living paycheck to paycheck- it’s just a realization/time measurement tool for me)
I am the praying type and I have asked for some perspective and guidance in this area of my life now because, In the county that I live in only has ~3 available daycares – they are all ~$1000 a month. Only 1 is close to my house. It has a ~11 month waiting list. Which means If I sign up and pay my deposit now, I will get childcare in December 08 or Jan 09. I am having a hard time with this idea. I have to put a deposit on something NOW that will affect me in 11 months. It’s mind blowing. Even for a planner, That’s just so long to plan for many variables. (due date, maternity leave, husband job schedule, insert bad thoughts here, my work, our financial state, Do I really want Daycare?, how long will i take off, will i take off, what will be best for us, etc)
I have so many thoughts going through my mind, it’s hard to focus and get real clarity and real thoughts that will be helpful. I keep going over the thought that I stayed in this job for convenience. I know I am not alone in that realization – But reading Alison’s post today – I realized I missed the boat on some things that I shouldn’t have. I do not really have regrets, Just realizations that I am working through .. Life will go on