Sunday, June 17, 2007

Raw Guilt

I had/am having a very difficult weekend. Alot of stuff I do not feel available to share mostly because of not wanting to hurt feelings of people that know me in human form that may be lurking around my blog that I deal with on a daily/semi-daily basis. A few of my friends know that I blog but I didn't purposely give them the address. They know that I read blogs and communicate/email/comment to people via the internet and they aren't real supportive (& probably judgemental when I am not in the room).
If you get to know me and allow me to be myself, I am a very open (and sometimes a TMI) kind of person. I love easily, I trust easily, I am very passionate, I want to help everyone. If I learn something I want to share it with anyone that will let me. I consider myself a strong person with a free spirit. I try not to let life get me down. I like to look on the bright side. I try not to "pretend to be happy" but genuinely be happy. But with every miscarriage I have experienced and all the failed months of medicated TTC or DIY TTC over the last 5 years, I find myself much like a turtle. Hiding in my own shell. Drawing myself up tighter and with more tension. I know that I don't have to tell you that I absolutely HATE this feeling. My weekend was pretty much bloody miserable - which brought out these infertility feelings with avengance.

Friday Night - we went to dinner , like most Friday nights, with a couple that we are very close to. (if you follow my blog- its the girl that got pregnant the same time my last clomid cycle failed on me) She is 27ish weeks pregnant ( approx.) I had a hard time with it at first but decided that I just needed to let it go because it was killing me and eating me from the inside out and It just wasn't worth it. Another couple joined us and they have a 1 yr old. So lots of baby talk - but they both know that we are having a hard time and respect my feelings and I feel like my infertile situation always censors the conversations because they do not want to offend me. I am eternally grateful for this EXCEPT, i feel 1000000% guilt from this. I do not wish to ALWAYS be the Debbie Downer in the group. As much as I wish I could, I do not feel like I can escape from the whole baby talk scene because all my friends have or are having kids and If I want to just escape baby talk, I feel as if I would have to end/escape all current friendships and as much as I would like to at times, that just me being Turtle Like AGAIN and truly irrational and selfish because My friends are as supportive as they can be.

One of the girls' husband said that he had a dream that we had a baby. I laughed it off because my other choice was crying at in public, I try not to choose that option. My husband and I talked about this on Saturday and he said that his first reaction was to ask him: "do you know how we got pregnant in the dream?" ......He wanted to know this because we are on the cusp of choosing our treatment route next month if AF does show up. Clomid again or Injectibles ...

I say all of this to kind of add to My Reality's post. I ,too, feel stuck, trapped, smothered: Mainly with Guilt. I feel as if I defied my body. I gave myself PCOS. Some how, as If, I deserve this. I feel guilt for coveting other peoples babies/children. Guilty for feeling mad, bitter, angry,resentful at friends (or anyone) who got pregant easily. Guilty for not being able to provide E with a family. Guilty for not fulfilling the family with a neice/nephew, grandchild(ren). Guilty for spending money on other peoples children or spending money on anything not a necessity. Guilty for not wanting to plan/attend showers. Guilt for adding "hormonal stress" to our marriage. Guilt from the result of not being a good wife,friend, daughter, sister, employee. ... GUILT of all kind and it tore me down this weekend to a sad wet blob.

13 comments:

My Reality said...

At least you aren't alone.

I am right there with you.

Kate said...

I am just at the beginning of my journey, but I know what you mean about feeling guilty. When people start to "baby talk" it bothers me that they having nothing else to talk about. Then I wish I could join in. I can't pretend to know what you have gone thorugh, but please don't feel guilty. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.

Cibele said...

You are definitely not alone... I am right there with you alo. Hugs and I hope you feel better soon.

Caro said...

Oh the guilt is the worst part of all this. I wish I could erase both yours and mine.

TeamWinks said...

I'm sorry. That's not a good place to be in. There are many of us out here, who wish so many happy things for you. We're all here if you need us.

Nichole said...

Wow. I am so sorry you are going through this, but this blog really helped me realize that I am not the only person feeling extremely guilty and angry! P and I have lost almost all of our friends and even his own brother is turning against us now. All because of this infertility crap.
Two words
IT SUCKS!

Diana said...

IF sucks and you are definitely not alone. When I say to DH "I'm sorry you have a defective wife" and he responds with "You are not defective" blah blah blah I still feel very guilty and defective. I do believe that he doesn't think I am defective though and that helps.

Cece said...

Girl, you are TOTALLY not alone. I'm trying to balance the 5000 different places that guilt is coming in, and pretty much lost it this weekend also. Guilt from MIL, guilt for crabbiness, guilt for not getting father's day card out in time to my father, guilt from not working out when I know I should because I have wieght I need to lose...... it goes on and on and on and on.

Good luck!

M said...

Ah yes. The baby talk. I'm on the other end of IF now, but I remember it all too clearly. I was the friend that everyone walked on egg shells around.
I'm also very open- will tell you about anything you want to know. So, anyone who matters to us knows we've done IVF. It's a part of us, and I'm not ashamed...so I tell everyone.

Rachel said...

I am sorry you are feeling so guilty. I wish I could take that away for you!

Leah said...

I definitely understand what you are talking about. I actually have a whole post written about it, I just haven't published it yet since I've had other stuff to say.

Hang in there. You are not alone, these feelings are totally normal, and you will come out okay on the other side someday.

KELLY said...

I'm so sorry for you, I know it hurts.

Trish said...

Wow. Good post. I had this "guilt" talk with my husband the other night. He doesn't get it. He has crappy swimmers, but I feel guilty. About everything. I just try to take some solace in knowing, from posts like this, that I'm not alone. Neither are you. ((HUG))