Super Trooper

Last night was not a good night of sleep f or me. Apparently, I was more nervous then I realized. I went to bed late, laid there, then at 4:30am i woke up and could not go back to sleep. I tried to wake MT up to feed him. He was not having any of it.. He just would go right back to sleep. I tried and tried until about 6am. I am not sure I managed to get any real amounts of food in him ..

We left for the hospital around 6:40am and arrived around 7:20. We checked in and began waiting. Unfortunately, we waited until about 8:45/9am before they actually took him back for surgery. He actually did amazingly well. Considering his last real feeding was at 9pm last night. A few times we had to distract him from remembering it was time to eat but that was it really. He never had a meltdown about waiting. In check in - they told me that they would give him a bottle of sugar water after the surgery was over and he woke up. I asked if I could nurse him instead. The nurse informed me that since MT takes bottles they would just go ahead and try the sugar water .... I was annoyed but it was early and I was in no mood to argue. So I let it go. We said our goodbyes and the nurse carried him into the OR. He didn't cry, which helped ease my mind. My husband, on the other hand, was a wreck. You could see it all over him. We switched roles today. I think it is because I have had surgery and been in hospitals more than he has.





The dr came out about 55 mins and told us that he was done and they everything went well and that MT was on his way unto the PACU for recovery. He sent us to the nurses station to retrieve a pager so we would know when MT was ready for us to see him. About 25 mins later, my pager went off. Apparently, they tried to give him sugar water and he lost it. He was so pissed off by the time I got back there. I tried to explain to the nurse that he hates those rubber nipples on those hospital bottles. We realized that from when he was born and we had such a hard time feeding him with those nipples. I told the PACU nurse that I tried to explain that to the other nurse at check in but she wasn't interested in hearing me out. Regardless, I was able to nurse him and get his heart rate/blood pressure back down which was what the nurse was considered about. After he calmed down, I walked him to our post- op/waiting room. He saw my dad and was just bouncing with joy and glee. He babbled on and on to my father and ate a bottle and a half while we were waiting for the new nurse to send us on our way.

They send us home with instructions and some pain meds. He woke up at home a few hours ago and went to the bathroom and just screamed his little head off about it. The bandage fell off, we changed the diaper. And haven't had any signs of discomfort since. I am going to give him some of the pain meds tonight because I do not want him to wake up in the middle of the night in pain ..

Over all - pretty spectacular. Couldn't have asked for a better response from a 6 month old. We go back for a follow up visit in 2 weeks.

Thanks Giving

Gobble Gobble

My husband gave alil more than I would have liked him to. Remember me complaining that He had been sick for like a month now .... Well, He finally shared his germs my way.

On Thursday, Thanksgiving .. MT and I got up early and drove to my parents house in time to see the parade. I wasn't feeling that great but figured it was due to lack of sleep. Around lunch time, I began feeling pretty achy. I was trying to tough it out since E was at work and my parents were making food and hostessing. Time to eat ..I thought I would feel better after I ate .... but it only got worse. Around 5pm, I decided that I should take my tempt because I noticed I was shaking. It was 101.5 I asked my mom to watch MT and I went and took a nap on the couch. By 7pm, I was just feeling awful. Everything hurt ..my eyelids ached. E got off work and came over to my parents for dinner. Only to find me in miserable shape. After he ate dinner and watched a movie, We loaded up the car and drove home. We left his car there, I didn't think I was in any shape to drive. Around midnight, All hell broke lose. I could no longer keep anything down. I lost my lunch over and over and over again ..... if you catch my drift. It was uncontrollable and unstoppable. This continued into the morning. I called my dr and they got me right in. Temp was still 101.5 and climbing.... She insisted that I had food poisoning. I told her no one else had any problems with dinner, just me. Then she did a pregnancy test ... If I would have been feeling better, I would have really laughed about the whole urine pee test ... but whateve ..... She said that it looks like I have a bladder infection because of my pee being so dark. I told her that was probably dehydration .... She agreed and took back the rx for the antibiotics. .... She was closing and instructed me that if I vomited anymore and could not keep fluids down, I needed to go to the ER...... *not much help - things I already knew. Well, I wasn't even able to get out of her office without throwing up. But I went home and tried to sleep it off .... but there was no chance of that, My stomach had other plans .... SO basically after putting it off .. I called my mother to meet us at the ER so she could watch MT while we waiting in the ER ..... Believe it or not Black Friday is a slow day for the ER ..We were in an out in under 2 hours. I was given 2 bags of IV and 2 rounds of zof.ran (my savior drug). They sent me home with ph.ene.rgan rx. I took that for 2 days and I feel like an almost whole person again. I still have a headache, I think I am alil dehydrated still ..I am working on that though ....

Somewhere in all of this, My parents (that god they live close) kept MT over night. Friday night when My mom picked him up at the ER, I was talked into just letting him stay with him. It was the best for everyone. I Thank God that they are able to do that for us ..because I was in a bad way for a while. Bad news is that this is the way my husband started out sick 1 month ago .... I cannot be sick for 1 month .. I do not have the patience for that.

Also - Did I mention that My MIL was supposed to come over Saturday but E called her and told her not to because of me not feeling well and were on our way to the ER. She repeatedly went on and on about how that was NOT convenient to her schedule (me being sick). She wants to see her grandson and she has off that day .... and hasn't seen him in months...... . blah blah blah ..... (no one has stopped her from seeing MT - she has just pre-occupied with other issues ... and now that issue is back in jail, she is bored and lonely) E had to remind her that we were on our way to the ER and that he had to go ... this woman is so obnoxiously selfish ......

But onto brighter endings .. MT is now able to sit up in his own.

(this is him Skyping with his Auntie M for thanksgiving)


A cool stool a friend of mine gave him .. We pull up the bumbo seat and use it like a table so far - notice the droool ...Yes we are still teething


Two Teeth

More information than you wanted to know

My work shower was great fun: Look at the cake - SO CUTE! It seems we only need a few minor items from our registry plus a swing and a car seat. We are still waiting the S-MIL on the carseat but she has made arrangements so it should be resolved soon. We are dealing with a discontinued color item .... It will work out. I am not worried

The dr's office and pharmacy were finally able to communicate to each other in the same language and get me syringes that require me to only have 2 shots of hep.arin a day instead of 4 shots. (2 in the am, 2 in the pm due to too small of syringes ordered) YEAH for that - Hopefully I will bruise much less.

We are going to watch E's brother graduate from High School tonight. We should be back tomorrow afternoon. There will be some serious work being done in the soon to not be guest room.

I am finding myself going to the restroom SO MUCH more. I had a few weird/painful "OMG, I have to pee NOW" moments this week. I assume baby is dropping more and using my bladder as a cushion, boxing prop, pillow, head rest ... aka WOW that is really uncomfortable.

I was tagged by SuessGirl:

A - Attached or Single: Attached
B - Best Friend(s): E
C - Cake or Pie: Cake
D - Day of Choice: Saturday
E - Essential Item: Cellphone
F - Favorite Color(s): Pink,Purple
G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Gummy Bears
H - Hometown: Tarpon Springs
I - Indulgence(s): TV and Sleep
J - January or July: July ( that's my birthday month)
K - Kids: Yes, please.
L - Life is incomplete without: Family and pets
M - Marriage Date: 08/2002
N - Number of Siblings: 1 younger sister
O - Oranges or Apples: Oranges
P- Phobias or Fears: snakes, i fear the unknown
Q - Quote: ""Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with." - Bob Wells
R- Ring size: 8
S - Season: Summer (I live in a hot state, It's the only season i Know)
T- Tag 3 Friends: i tag anyone that wants to participate
U - Unknown fact about me: I was a member of our drill/color guard team in High School
V - Very favorite stores: Target, Borders, stores with purses
W - Worst Habit: Biting my nails
X-ray or Ultrasound: I have had plenty of both
Y - Your Favorite Food(s): Cheeseburgers and steak from a grill
Z - Zodiac: Cancer

T - 1

Is the shower slideshow working?? If not Ill try again later ..my nerves could not handle any more technical difficulties.

My second to last mf.m appointment - thus the T-1. I will have one more appointment with him in 3 weeks. He was unhappy with the Gest. Counselor giving me a diet of 2600 cals and disagreed with the OB about not giving me the Met back when My testings were off. He thinks that I should be given my glucophage (Met) back or prescribe glybruide (sp?) along with a 2200 cal diet plan and monitoring my sugars. He says, yes, it's partly gd, but it's also a pre-existing condition (p.co.s) that we knew about before I was pregnant - therefore he sees it as unfair for me to "try and handle it w/o drugs" since I was on the drugs before and we know the drugs work. He said that thinks it is just my fasting read that needs to be adjusted. He would like to see me a pill at dinner time only --- with all that said I have a 6 lb baby!!! I nearly started to cry in his office. He assured me that It is not that large, it is in the 70%tile. He says that a my OB appointment on Friday he would like me to discuss the option of getting some oral treatment back. I have his notes in my purse to take with me, I didn't want to chance my OB not getting them. He believes that everything else is "perfect". We saw Mini breathing in and out the amniotic fluid and the heart was pumping away at 135 bpm in the head down position. He also thinks that we will have a baby here in the next 4-5 week. Maybe a lil earlier than the due date.

I can not express how much I absolutely adore this man. I hope that my OB and I are able to discuss his suggestions Friday and get this straightened out and that I will be prescribed something to help lower my fasting read.

I can not help but feel alittle deflated. I think a few posts back I was whining about wanting my Met back. It's true, i DO. I know that you are not supposed to play the shoulda, woulda, coulda game. But I can't help but think that if I was given my Met, I would have made it to my due date w/o concern of the insulin issue that concerns me with my lil boy. I am consumed with just hoping that he will come out just fine from all of this and that my screwy body chemistry will not hurt him too much more than it may have already.

My husband keeps telling me to look at the positives - He is healthy, he is breathing fluids, he is head down, he is not too small, he has made it 34 weeks, he has all the organ/fingers/toes, and we will get to see him most likely sooner than we thought. These are all good things to be happy for and celebrate.

Rambles Of a Hormonal Crazy Woman

AH - I made it one more week w/o using leave. Hopefully I can pull that off for 1 more pay period. (may 29th)

We had our OB Tour yesterday. I must say that this hospital is just fantastic and so thoughtful. I know they birth babies hourly and all - but they just have it down so exactly as I would like it to be. The policies are in place but make sense and there is nothing too out of the ordinary. Every hospital staff we encountered was just super friendly. I think that we will really be pleased with this hospital. They play a lullaby over the entire hospital speakers when a baby is born.

I received from Morrisa, Adriane, Wishing, Hoping and Praying, and Katie (*edit) this week.

I cannot express to you gals how much I needed this little extra this week.


I would like to pass it on to LIW, and Lady in Waiting, Kristen, Marcy and Kris, and TopCat. All have been a great deal of support to me and are deserving woman.

I have been feeling very drained emotionally and physically. There are some things going on right now and I was not sure if i was going to be able to make it another day a few days ago. I have been having lil mini episodes of doubt and fear. It all stems from lack of sleep, I think. We changed from lo.veno.x to he.par.in (because hep is easier to control while laboring - as someone else also pointed out) And of course there had to be a snafu. At the pharmacy (or the ob's script - each are blaming the other) I received the wrong vials of the drug. I picked them up Monday night after work, came home to find out that there was not a script for the needles we needed to inject it with. E called the pharmacy to try and arrange the pharmacist to let us have(buy) 2 needles to get us that night's dosage and the am dosage. Then I could call the OB's office and ask them to order/write a script for the remainder. So i did, they called in an order, I picked them up Tuesday night after work. Got home, found out that based on the syringe units I would now be required to inject 2 needles at a time to fulfill the ob's amount prescribed. I was a little frustrated. NO, i was alot frustrated. Lov.enox was in a pre-filled syringe, no mixing required and i only had to take it once a day. This new drug was requiring 2 shots a day - but with the small syringes it meant 4 shots a day. So I had to give myself 2 shots in the pm and 2 shots in the am and then call my ob's office again Wednesday to figure out what was going on. I still do not have any clear answers as to what happened - each are blaming the other for the script - but will not take back the drugs and syringes and give us the right ones - therefore I stuck (literally) 4 times a day compared to once a a day until I run out of those vials. I have 30 of them and each vial will last about 5 days. Therefore I will be sticking myself most likely until Mini arrives 4 times a day. I was bruise free before switching, My belly ( where I have been instructed to stick myself) is no longer bruise free and quite sore actually. I just keep thinking - I am so ...close..I will make it. I called to get more test strips for my sugar monitor but the pharmacy will not let me re-new that prescription because the dr put that I test 2 times a day - but i was told to test 4 - so I have to call again today and ask if they want me to just test 2 times a day or continue to test 4 times. If they want me to continue doing 4 times a day the script needs updating or a new one needs called in .... It's just tiring dealing with all of this .. That stress on top of the mental stress I put on myself about my leave and dealing with other stress's that I can't really share yet just makes me all tapped out. Good thing is after tomorrow, I plan on leaving work early to pick up my sister at the airport, going to get a pedicure and manicure and relaxing before the shower on Saturday.

With all the above frustrations, i am still glad to be able to hold my head up and say that I am almost 34 weeks pregnant and still feel unbeleivablly blessed to have made it this far and be able to actually be in a position to have a baby shower FOR ME ... This is will be for me and I did not have to plan it. After last yrs baby shower bananza's (i threw 4 last yr), It is so humbling to be able to think that I actually have something referred to as a "shower dress" and enjoy celebrating my ( well and e's baby).

I leave you with a 33 week pic:
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I am "that" Patient

My poor OB nurse is working for her pay with me. I know that she will be soooo very very glad when I have delivered Mini.

She worked for her $'s today and yesterday and found a lab (actually the L&D Lab Center of the hospital I will deliver at) who will administer a pick line( not sure if that is the correct medical term for it). They will flush it out with hep.arin before each draw (since we know I respond fine to hep.) I am instructed to get 150 grams of extra carbs a day for 3 days prior to the test. I will take the test Tuesday morning - so Monday night, I am instructed to stop eating/drinking at midnight. After I receive my first fasting blood specimen, I can have water.

They wanted me to take the test Monday, but I have my MFM appointment at 9 and it is very far away from the hospital in which I need to go to. So it has to be tuesday. On Monday- we get another growth scan. I cannot wait and still hope that there will be only good news from that.

This eases my mind some what. It is still filled with worry, anxiety, fear, disappointment, guilt etc. I limit my sugars as it is. (very rare do I enduldge on juices/sodas, candy, cookies, sweets, etc) I was worried this would happen since we already knew I am insulin resistant. I know in my heart, no matter what, I will be ok ..It's my mind that is off filling my head with bad things.

The nurse at the ob's on friday did not send in my urine for analysis - therefore the ob nurse asked today if I would repeat that urine sample to check for a UTI. I am going tomorrow morning to a lab to do that urine sample - she was so upset that I have to do it again. (and very apologetic) She is so sweet to me - I told her that it was easy to stop in a do a urine sample. She had done me a huge favor and made me feel much better abut the gtt test that I had absolutely no problem doing a urine sample over.

This is all no big deal- I know -pregnancy hormones make everything seem like the end of the world. There is just so much fear involved. I know that this too shall pass.. and so will I. Thank you for the kind words/comments/thoughts/prayers.

Evolution of Me's

This post contains some of my deepest feelings/flaws – regardless of how petty/mean/wrong you view them – please remember that this is my blog with my feelings and I am a work in progress (daily): This post is going to go through my stages/views on this whole thing referred to as pregnancy/motherhood. It’s been brewing for about 5+ months now. I am not sure if this is a normal reaction to pregnancy after experiencing struggles, losses, and let downs or of this is just normal progression through life.

I have been dealing with 2000000000 different emotions lately. It’s more complex emotions than happy, sad, glad etc. Mostly Guilt– Poured on Thick (guilt of all kinds, mostly led by past/present fears, past jealousy, and insecurities)
Pretty much every day since the seeing 2 lines to seeing a heartbeat - I have remembered (or been reminded of) the Pre-TTC (~ college) me Either by other people but mostly my thoughts – Pre TTC-Me would walk around announcing things like “She never wanted kids”; there was always a reason. Too messy, too needy, too loud, too busy, too much responsibility, too (insert whatever excuse here), etc… This statements at that time were Part true, part was said out of fear (of a few things: responsibility, fear that I wouldn’t be able to because my periods have always been wonky, fear of the unknown, fear I would “screw them up”, pass on bad genes or my fused vertebrate, you name it, I have thought it – yes even the really bad or shallow ones) I think I actually wrote a paper in college or stated that I viewed pregnancy as selfish act when we have so many homeless, abandoned, abused, unloved children needing homes.

Then Came fresh TTC me- (right after we got married), something changed, I wanted to be pregnant and have children. Our children. So we tried, and tried, and tried and cried, and had weird things going on with my period – Weird things going on with my body …. Then came a front row seat of watching most of my friends getting married and having children. I started getting saddened by each announcement. The more announcements the more sad and hopeless I felt. We had experienced some difficult things for me to talk about and set-backs. I refused to think/talk about them for the most part. I was embarrassed of me and my body. I would just cry. I suddenly realized I wasn’t so fresh anymore. I was not yet seasoned, but I was sprinkled with bitterness, resentment, angst, anger, depression, fear, panic and many other negative feelings. These were creeping in my daily life. I found it hard to function – I went through waves of emotions over a 4 year period. I would try to concentrate and focus on other things: work, hobbies, new friends (that didn’t have children). I didn’t realize that I was all that bitter and angry alot of the time. I remember saying/thinking (LOTS and LOTS of) things. Things that would protect my heart, mind and soul. I was having a very difficult time determining how to communicate, or how to relate to people. Even how to function with all of the bitter and anger and frustration that I felt inside. It was a bad, bad, bad time in my life. I wanted to not experience those feelings but I just didn't know what or how to get them to leave me alone. There was a quote in a book I read with the barren brigade that basically stated that bitterness and loneliness crept in the characters mind in bed at night torturing her. That was me, insomnia at it's finest. I understood those encounters. I wasn't able to pinpoint how I felt at the time and didn’t realize how hurt and hurtful I could be to myself and others. I just knew that I wanted to give birth to a child really badly.

Then I began the "admitting I need help" phase. The testing phase. I remember thinking, I am trying SO hard to obtain something that only a few years ago I was cursing – So I must be jinxed. It must be fate. I’m doomed. I felt like I had spoken my troubles into existence. It took a few tries to find a good practice, but once found a practice I was comfortable in, the Dr’s were hopeful and very proactive. They listened and tried to explain things and suggested procedures/tests that they wanted to do. I felt like the ball was rolling. It felt good to me. It felt empowering. Knowledge and eliminations were happening and I was actually enjoying it and found out that my body that I hated really wasn’t all that bad. Things could be worse. I had Open tubes, no endo, 2 ovaries with ½ an ovary removed from its weird location. Then came months of monitored anovulatory cycles. Which brought on more experience, frustrations and more pregnant friends. My body/mind shut down, for a while. I become a ball of unpleasantness. I remember saying things to protect my fears, heart, soul. Making deals with myself.

TTC-Me had lofty ideas about being pregnant (and staying pregnant). You know the dream life. Ideal situations. The statements that start of “Well, When I am pregnant I am going to do this, feel this way, act this way, wear this, eat this, never do this, etc”. “Once I have the baby, life is going to be just like this… Usually includes a white picket fence, a husband that Looks like (insert dream man here) and has the greenest grass you have ever seen in your life with a fluffy dog running around. Well- that was TTC-Me - Lots of Grand Ideas/lofty notions with everything planned out accordingly.
When the RE diagnosed me with P.CO.S, (about where this blog starts) I cannot tell you how relieved I was. ( I was a little sad but mostly just excited and relieved). There was a problem. The more I researched, read, discovered about P.CO.S, “It” all started to make since. It gave me some answers on a few pre-ttc experiences I had and lots of ttc experiences we had encountered. I felt like there as a hallelujah moment – where angels come out and sing and shine a big huge spot light on you. When that Light is spotlighting me, I started to rethink some of things that I have said/done in the past slightly … And then this blog picks up and you know the rest of that story.

This blog has provided a new prospective, an opening of my mind, and direct way of therapy for me in many ways and was helping pave the way for a new TTC me. It opened many doors to my heart that allowed me to venture off and heal some past wounds, seek knowledge and know that I am not the only one that has some of these thoughts and feelings. It gave me a place to have some of these thoughts and work through them. Do soul searching and just plain receive simple and genuine support. (It has also been a bit of accountability or a way to keep myself in check)

Pregnant Me – has had a lot of emotions also, as you can see if you want to read back starting in Nov. 07 - But mostly Pregnant Me has been dealing with a lot of grief and guilt brought on by a huge dose of reality. Most of this guilt/grief was directed at TTC-Me but has some to do with the Pre-TTC-Me also. Those Me’s are having to experience something in a very different light than they would have expected. (as most of us struggling do) The pregnant Me is dealing with reality and regrets on many statements, opinions, views, judgements in a major way. The Pregnant Me – is having to deal with MANY numerous consequences from my own thoughts or other individuals. Statements and views I once had now about a reality that I knew nothing about. The Pregnant me found out there are so many things that I didn't realize had to be considered and discussed as a possibility of pregnancy, and preparing for a child. Things that sound bitter and angry now coming back to haunt. (one example, my SMil emailings - which is why that part of my life has been blogged about most recently. It has dredged up more old feelings/situations) I have a very active mind that loves to let me beat myself up pretty good- more than others may/will know. Too many times to really even count. Most of those consequential results are due to my own guilt in my own head. It could be due to hormones, or experiences, life, changes, maturing, I am not really sure – but I am learning and experiencing things that are changing my views. People change. Situations change. And that is why there is compassion and grace. I am now walking through this life, trying to enjoy this pregnancy to it's fullest– because ya know the TTC-Me SAID she “would enjoy every minute of it and NEVER complain”, she “COULD NOT believe those women that complain about being pregnant – It’s the greatest thing in the whole world”. The pregnant me claims that as much as it is the greatest thing in the world (thus far) and I am truly grateful for this experience, it is not all that easy. I am learning. I am changing, My views are changing. My situations are changing. There are times where I now feel like, when I am reminded of the Old Pre/TTC Me – It makes me feel terrible and embarrassed. Then I am reminded of my faith, grace and compassion. I am finding myself always growing and trying to be a better person and trying to conquer/overcome those past memories/experiences. I feel like, through all of this, I am learning the deepest meaning of compassion and grace.

So there it is .. Maybe I am the only person that allows these situations to stay in my over-active mind and beat myself up. This experience for me has been humbling, healing, educational and has put many things in perspective for me. It honestly has allowed me to learn about and apply more compassion and grace to others and myself. I am learning how to let things go. I can not obsess about thoughts/opinions/views that I Had, I have to concentrate on the present and work towards the future to make it better.

These Aren't the Days to Remember..this too shall pass

(spell check isn't working- again)
well i got my MFM appointment - i have a consult tomorrow at 9:30am. I was called at noon to "inform me". Then My lvl 2 u/s will be the 19th at 1:30pm

The above is the drama free version. Below is the crazy, emotional, hormonal pregnant lady who would just like to see her baby and all Mini's organs version:

The poor lady that schedules appointments got more than she would have liked this afternoon but was really a gem in dealing with me - ok here we go:

She called to explain that I would need genetic counseling - I informed her that I underwent all the testing we would like until further looks at the baby stated other wise. All my NT scans, AFP results came back with no concern therefore I was under the impression that I was high risk due to a few m/c's and my blood/immune disorder. Well apparently my OB's told them that they are worried about my ASD repair and my fused vertebrates. Which is News to me because Thursday - she assured me I was high risk because of the blood/immune lo.ve.nox combo (the others are no elephant in a room-I am aware of them but all my life have been told it was just a fluke/mutation and all my pre-fertility treatment testings/chromosomal testings revealed nothing to be concerned about- according to my OB and RE). SO when she told me that I had to have more testing, I lost it. I cried and tried to explain to her that I was not requiring or requesting any more genetic tests. I was happy with all my results thus far until we see something to be concerned with. (see being the most important word in the sentence) I am 20 weeks, it won't change a thing. She told me she was going to call my OB and RE to confirm that I had done tests and see if they thought i needed more ..... so i had an emotional break down for 2 hours because obviously, they did not have my file nor read my file before making the appointment. Why would they require me to do stuff that I have already done and do not care to do more of? I am just starting to enjoy this thought of pregnancy and need no more opportunity for concern or worry or anxiety- I do plenty of that w/o dr's orders. I just wanted to have a dr LOOK at my baby and THEN IF they see a problem, discuss it. Not vice versa

Well, she called my OB and my RE and apparently the testing that they did is "different" OF COURSE IT IS!!! and If I do not go tomorrow for the genetic couseling, when I have my scan on the 19th, This appointment will not be with a dr. She explained to me that if I refuse the appointment tomorrow, then at my scan on the 19th which is in a diiferent location, will not be done by a dr and my results will not be discussed with me. They will mail my results back to the OB's office and let the OB's office deliver the results to me. If something was/is wrong, I would have to get in line for an appointment and hopes I get seen.

So after a few phone calls were made(and tears were cried), we have taken the appointments reluctantly and pissed off about the whole scenario. I am just tired of being poked and prodded over and over again. I am tired of worrying, and having anxiety attacks, I just want to be able to enjoy this at some point.

Good thing my co-workers are not here today because i have just cried and cried. I think it's tacky and ballsy that a dr's office can call on a 20 hour notice and demand that you come in on that day (my husband is supposed to work on the day of the scan and can not get off- so he will have to do the unthinkable and call in sick and hope he doesn't get in trouble). I tried explaining to the appointment scheduler that my husband could not come that day and she told me to come by myself or bring a friend. ON THE DAY WE MAY FIND OUT THE SEX AND determine if all things Mini are ok. I THINK NOT YOU &*()^&@! I gave 7 other days that were better for us and she told me, I don't know what to tell you.?!?. WHAT really ??!?! .... i think that may be what I am upset about also. That and discussing things that w/o looking we will not know for sure. Basically, I know it may seem peddly to some - but i could use some good thoughts, prayers, or what ever you do to take the anxiety away. Hopefully I will come back with a great experience tomorrow - but I am not counting on it. I just would like a look at my baby!

( i won't even go over the fact that the office that she "picked" for our scan is over 2 hours from my house, but the office I am going to tomorrow is 5 miles from my house)

I went to a get together at my parent's house last night. Everyone was fascinated that I had not found out the sex yet and that we have not thought of names yet. During dinner, it quickly became "name the unborn baby" game. I have to say, I was not a bit intimidated. This is a plus for me. Usually, i just like to blend in and not have much conversation about this baby, how far along I am, blah blah etc. I am beginining to enjoy this. (weird I know) I was reading Katie's post about women who undergo treatments have this "AH-HA" moment of their pregnancy. I feel mine creeping in. I feel the Ah-Ha moment building. Here is a great website that I found this morning about generating random names. I played with this for about 1 hour this morning. That website is pretty cool. I felt excited to be able to think about picking names. I also think that my husband and I both agree that we will see what the name will be after we deliver. I do have the "I need to see what the baby looks like" before I designate a name.

With that said, I am worried about visiting the MFM dr's. My co-worker who did not have a difficulty getting pregnant had to go to their office and they scared the crap out of her - she cried for hours and will still tear up when talking about it. I know they have to do their job and theor job is to give all the risks and such. But as much as I want to see the organs and get their opinion - I am unsure I am ready for the doom and gloom that my friend has described the office to be. I am hoping and praying that they will not do that for me -but she says that since I have had heart surgery and have a few fused vertebrates she is sure that my appointment will upset me - I am hoping the later!! I do not need any more reason to set off my anxiety that I finally have somewhat under control. So as much as I am looking forward to the appointment, I also think that is one of the main reasons, i am been just "going with the flow" and not pushing for an appointment.

I have a friend that is blogging after she received a bfp after a round of IVF. Her website is here. She has been recently diagnosised with a subchrionic hemorrhage in her 12th (or 13th) week. She was told that there is still a risk of miscarriage. If anyone has any info about this please offer her some support - or just offer her support because.

I want to congratulate Flotsam on the birth of her twins. This is bittersweet - go wish her some love and support if you haven't already.

I need to write a post about the friend that got away. I am one of those people that have a few really. I dunno why, but I have this scenario happen to me often. So I have quite a few stories that I can share. My husband tells me it's because I share my opinion (when or not asked) and I share the honest opinion and most peope do not really want the honest one - they want the opinion that is the popular things to say and because I am quite an independantly hippy like soul. More on this later. .... I hope everyone had a relaxing, enjoyable weekend. I have to run to my parents. I left my purse last night.

Rattlings in my Head

There are some really horrible things going on in the blog community - Please send your thoughts and comments if you'd like to: Me and Steve and Alexa. I wish there was more I could do to make things like this never ever happen or to heal the hurting hearts. But I am not in control all I can do is think of them and send them warm thoughts. I really feel a bond that is unique between this community - Please know you all are in my thoughts



p-word talks - skip to the red font if you want:
(spell check is broken)
To answer a few questions:

I was told at my last OB's appointment that I would have an anatomy scan (with an MFM) before my next OB appointment which would be Feb 7th (thursday at 11). It's Feb 4th- and the MFM's office still has not called and my OB nurse keeps ensuring me they will call .... At first this was very frustrating to me - now I have calmed down and it doesn't even bother me - except that I was told someting that hasn't happened (pet peeve).

E and I have gone back and fort on whether we wanted to find out the sex of the baby. I wasn't sure at first and he said he doesn't care. This waiting time has given me some time to process my thoughts and understand what I want for me. As of today since my opinion changes hourly, I want to know. I do not think that I could handle the Dr's knowing and not me. I like to know things. Plus it does seem easier with the way baby showers/baby products/clothes/American Traditions are all done these days. (on the record - I would feel much more comfortable with a "the baby is here party" but that is not the way things are done and I am trying to go with the flow). I am excited don't get me wrong, But it just seems like that whole "counting chickens before they hatch" thing. (Or Maybe it's more evidence that I need therapy.)

I am going to express my interest in knowing the sex at my thurdays appointment and see if they can help me out with this. Either an U/S or a call to the MFM dr's office and see if I can have an appointment soon ..something. I will admit that I am more concern with seeing all organs that will be developing nicely (crossed fingers) than the sex. The sex scan is just a bonus. Although I also think that knowing the sex will help me (in a few areas of things I am dealing with). It does not matter either way what the sex results are. But I am looking forward in decorating and picking out items. The baby world has made it quite difficult to plan if you do not know. Maybe I am once again, overthinking (or un-american). There is part of me that still does not want to know - but there is part of me that likes to "plan". This is why I really haven't pushed the issue at all. See I am still really conflicted by this ... sorry if it seems tedious to some since i know there are alot of really horrible things going on in our blog community.

On another note: I was tagged by a few people- here we go:
The Rules:

1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

1) My H.igh Sc.hool mascot is a Sp.ong.er (sp.ong.e div.er yes ..really.. I know it's weird) and yes we did get made fun of alot
2) I absolutely can not sing - but I can turn it up in the car and try really hard!
3) I am not a big fan of Soup - Maybe because it never gets real cool long enough here - But I just don't care for it that much
4) I married one of the kindest, gentlest souls on the planet. There truly needs to be more like him. His generousity, heart, and wisdom amaze me. (and shame me often). He is just genuinely one of the nicest people you will ever meet. Despite his upbringing, and lack of support/good role models, He is a true Gentleman.
5) I adore the ocean. I get lost in it's power and beauty. The sound of waves and chirping seabirds help heal my soul.
6) I think that the blogs I read are people that I wish I lived closer to. I have gotten an opportunity to read many of your stories and they bless me and encourage me and keep me going more than you may ever know.

If you want - consider yourself tagged

I carried a Watermelon and Vacation highlights

We are back from a fantastic trip to the Keys. It’s a long drive but worth every penny. I enjoyed spending time with my parents in a 8 hour car ride – and I enjoyed not being on a major schedule. The wedding was actually in a n area of the main Key that I have never been to before. My Aunt rented an electric golf cart (limo style-picture below) that E and I got to shuttle people around on taking them to see all the different tourist/landmark locations. E had never been to the keys so I was excited to show him around. We didn’t make it to the sunset shows. I do highly suggest that you go to the pier off du.val street if you are ever down there during sunset. They have street vendors and different types of street entertainments – but the sunsets are the best.









p-word mentioned


42% of your pregnancy has passed, there is 58% left to go.



I am 18 weeks today. I am still feeling movements and flutters and kicks and rolls. YAH, this makes my mind so much at peace. (not 100% of the time but more so then before) . Mini is the size of a Cantaloupe and I feel like the Dirty Dancin line "i Carried a watermelon" Except I said "I am carrying a watermelon). I am feeling a bet more "stuff, weight, pressure down there. I think lil Mini was tangled in my lower ribs his weekend quite a bit. I feel like a weird pinchy feeling in my lower ribs at times.

My cousin had my name tag at the reception with Mini-Vann on it!! ( it was awesome and made my night)

Yesterday I had a bad nose bleed and I probably should have called the Dr’s office – but I am alil upset with them at the moment. I called last week (Wednesday to be exact) and asked about why I hadn’t heard from the MFM Dr’s office yet. Friday on our way out of town, My cell phone message alert went off to notify me that I had a voicemail. I called my voicemail and it was the OB Nurse, I don’t know how I missed her call – but she left a message letting me know that the MFM Dr is reviewing my files, I should be expecting a call this week – they aren’t sure they will be able to get me in before my OB appointment on the 7th. I was ,at first, really bent out of shape about this news. I have now calmed down a bit and am trying to go with the flow (TRYING!) I thought about why I was so upset about this – it’s really about expectations. They tell me X is going to happen this way – and X doesn’t seem to be happening the way they instructed me it would– I except it to happen that way (they have done this to me in a few of my appointments now) – I need to learn to be more flexible. It’s just one more of my flaws. I like structure and reliability. I was going to call back this week and ask if I could schedule an U/S at their office – but after talking with E, as long as we hear the heartbeat on the Doppler, I will be ok waiting until the MFM Dr’s office calls me to schedule. I hope everyone had a good week – I have caught up on my blog reading but did not comment much – hopefully I will be back in the swing of things soon.

I have a few posts brewing in my head - one is work related, one is pregnancy related. Hopefully I can get them out of my head so they stop torturing me soon.





Melissa (smells like Mel) - Apparently you have gone to invite only- If possible I'd like to be invited.

Pills... The verdict

Well, I called my Ob's office again today to inquire about my new drug protocol. I am a little uncomfortable giving up my pills as they have been my security blanket (even if at first i didn't want to take them)

I have 4 days left of m.etfo.rmi.n and pr.ome.tri.um. (long sigh) I still do not mind giving up the progesterone. I am slightly more uncomfortable giving up the Met.

As for the pr.edn.iso.ne, I am going to be weaned off this. I am taking 1 tablet for the next 5 days (til 12/25). Then I am taking 1/2 tablet for 5 days (til 12/30). Then 1/2 tablet every other day for 5 days(til 01/04).

After this I will just be doing lovenox (until 30 weeks) and a baby aspirin. (unless the MFM dr says differently). I will be visiting a MFM Dr. in January. My next appointment with my OB is Jan 11th. and after that appointment, they will make an appointment to see the MFM(Perinatologist).

Our family is having our Christmas Saturday night in St. Si.mo.ns, G.A. I have alot of laundry, packing, shopping and wrapping to do before we leave tomorrow. AND i need to come into work for a few hours ( hopefully 8 - so i don't have to use leave). Everyone have a very blessed and safe merry christmas.

My friend, Trying2007, got 2 lines today (after a long and tiring journey of 4 IVF's). She has a beta tomorrow. Go and send her off with lots of positive vibes!

a few 12's

12 weeks = 84 days
26% of your pregnancy has passed, there is 74% left to go
“Your belly is finally starting to expand and grow. This week your uterus will finally rise above your pubic bone and pelvis. This will definitely create a small pooch in your lower abdomen.”

Fetus Size relating to fruit
I read somewhere about a pregnancy mask. I am not having this but I am having alil bit of a grease problem ... GREASY face and hair... and oh and the headaches..wow the headaches are more intense than the earlier headaches. My belly is twinging and stretching and sometimes feels like a charlie horse at night.

2 nights ago, i slept too long inbetween peeing and i woke up and thought I was going to pee all over myself and my belly was so tight and had alot of soreness. I hope I wake up to pee tonight and for the rest of the nights. That was weird and quite bothersome.

After my dr’s appointment on Friday, I have been feeling a lot more confident about this pregnancy. I am still losing weight, which I am very happy about. I am starting to get a little nervous about getting off my medication though. Anyone have to take pre.dni.sone, when did you stop? Metformin, when did you stop? Why do I HAVE to stop the met? I read a few articles that state woman with P.C.O.S have a hard time with breast milk supply. Any truth/opinions to this? These articles stated that if you needed Me.tfo.rm.in to conceive, you most likely will need m.etfor.mi.n to breastfeed. I am not at all under the opinion that me.tfo.rm.in is what made me conceive, but I am sure under the assumption it was a contributing factor. I am also not sure I even want to breatfeed, but I like options .... Who doesn't?!

As for another 12 - It has been 12 years since I had heart surgery today. (ASD repair) It just happened to fall on my 12 week milestone. Pretty Cool huh.

7 Days til Christmas.. Boy, Do I have alot to do. I need to get wrapping gifts and packing for a weekend trip to here to have christmas with my sister and parents.

I posted this late last night but I am posting it again - PLEASE PLEASE give Kathy some Support. She and I are close due date buddies. She just had a great NT Scan on Wednesday and all things were Fantastic at 12 weeks. Monday started bleeding red. Now things are not sounding very hopeful.

Who said money can't buy happiness? Obviously not an Infertile

I have decided Not to take the clo.mid. I am at peace with this decision. I dunno why I am or how I really got there. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I do not think my RE did all he could do with the clo.mid and my cycles. Granted, I only did 1 under his care, but I do not feel that he wants to monitor me more closely on clo.mid. ( ie U/S’s, hc.g trigger shots) Maybe I am being naïve in thinking that those extra procedures would have worked. I am a lil uneasy about that. I am just going to have to trust that he knows more about reproductive procedures than I do in regards to my body’s responses. There is no going back and He may be completely right about it. I may just not be responding to the hateful drug and I need something more. It’s not uncommon. I just like to live in LA-LA land where there are fields of strawberries and rivers of chocolate. Meaning that I was “hopeful that a lil clomid would grant me a baby. I mean, I did do 4 previous rounds of clo.mid with absolutely no results. He did diagnosis my PCOS and prescribe metf.ormin. I have to say, my cycles have been some what consist since Feb. Even this time on clo.mid, I ovulated on CD17 and got my period 17dpo. That’s pretty “in the middle” I think. I do not want to keep taking cl.omid just to feel like I am “doing something” and it really not be effective for me. Like going through the motions .. .But I really wasn’t prepared for the injectible speech either. I really don’t know why, because he told me the same speech in February. But he also told me that I could do atleast 3 more rounds of Clom.id. So, basically, these last couple days I have been gathering information and calling for prices in the area. At this point, it’s all about the $$. I only have 1 other option in the area. So I called their office to get some prices and LORDY ME!!! At my current RE’s office (with less than stellar Nurse Bitchy and stats) I can do 2 IUI’s (including meds) for the cost of 1 (not including meds) at the other RE’s office (with better than stellar stats). Can I say OVERWHELMING?!?! ….. I want the best for me – ALWAYS- but my bank account says that I can’t. See the dilemma? It’s a feeling of having to settle. I hate that feeling. I do not think that my original RE is incompetent. I have confidence that he can perform a simple IUI procedure, but keeping nasty uninformed nurses on staff seems like bad business practice. Although, I’m not his office advisor, I am just there for a procedure, and at this point, I do not think he could really miss it up royally. Personality conflicts, to me, seem tedious. Does it really matter that my experience hasn’t been complete enjoyment? I mean we are talking about emotions, lost dreams, a big dose of reality, and a shit-ton of money/time/energy. This could be the last step of “operation knocked up” or this could be the very beginning of more treatments to come. We have pretty much decided to stick it out with current RE because he is more affordable. Give him a chance 2 times. *** WARNING/DISCLAIMER ( I could regret this in 3 or 4 months and I have the right to digress at that time – there will be no I told you so’s!!!)