Thursday, January 3, 2008

New Year, Resolution

Here is a post that needs to get out of my head: I do not apologize for this post but I do ask that if you are compelled to leave a nasty comment – email me instead – this is a Fearful Pregnancy Post. It was inspired by a few people. One being my husband another being a great friend to me.

The last few days, I have been plagued with fear. I have tried warding it off, meditating, baking, reading, sleeping, praying, etc. you name it.

I feel that since I am on the “other side of the fence”, I have an obligation to remember my audience and remember where I came from. I am reluctant to write about things are that aren’t all rainbows and butterflies. I don’t know if it’s because:

I haven’t seen a Dr in 21 days, and I will not see one for another 7 days. That’s a month!!! I know that I am supposed to carry on like a “normal” pregnant woman, but I have NO IDEA what that feels like. I had u/s at ~5, ~6, ~7, ~9, ~11 weeks. Now I am going on 15 weeks I have stopped my M.etfo.rmin, and Pr.oge.ster.one, and down to ½ a pill of prednisone every other day until my next appointment.

I still feel like I am on the IF side of the fence. Yes I have a baby in utero, there has been a heartbeat confirmed, but I am only 32% of the way there. And on the other hand HOLY CANOLY I only have 68% left to go … This is the most pregnant I have ever been ( I say that every week) and this is the more pregnant than I ever thought I would be! And I am 1000000 % feeling blessed in awe of every day I wake up.

My next door neighbor has had 4 pregnancies and they all end about 20-26 weeks. She is now 24 weeks and has been in and out of the hospital this past week trying to stop contractions. They sewed her cervix closed (at 13 weeks) but the cervix funneled a few days ago and now the contractions are under control (under 4 an hour) but she is back in the hospital and I am scared for her, she is scared for her, our familes are scared for us. I have called her every day for the past week because I just want this for her just as much as I want this for me. Her family is like my family. I call her grandmother Memaw! I mean we are close. And we are there for eachother, ya know! I wish she was closer. She is 400 miles away and all I can do is call and tell her funny jokes and listen to the worry and anxiety in her voice. She will be fine. I just know it. I know it in my heart that we will both be fine. It just takes getting the cobwebs and the haunting thoughts out that cloud and loom over the good thoughts.

I went out New Years Eve to one of E’s co-workers house. I had the best time I have had in ages and I was up the latest I have been in about 6 yrs on NYE. We danced and had a blast. Ever since Jan 1 (when we got home – Fear creped in and crippled me. It is taunting me with irrational and rational fears - reminding me of my past experiences and robbing me of the capability to think positively and look forward to great things. I sat on the couch and cried most of the day Dec 31 and Jan 1. I am not going to let fear take hold of me – I am ending it here. Today starts a new day for me. I am not going to be afraid to blog about this anymore. I will blog my thoughts, experiences on this journey. I will not be afraid.

36 comments:

waitinginline said...

You are so strong. (but please don't feel you have to be. you're only human after all.)

I cannot imagine the fears and anxiety that you have, but from what I hear it is "normal" in pregnancy. Your experiences with IF only add to the fears, though. I hope that you manage to find a calm place very soon!

Just remember, it's your pregnancy and your blog! I come to read you. Nothing less and nothing more.

(((hugs))) & much <3

waitinginline said...

And my heart goes out to your friend.

alison said...

:( Sorry you're feeling scared. You don't have to apologize for what you write - it's your blog after all. Hope things are looking better for you. :)

JJ said...

Glad you could get this out--and a reminder you will get from a lot of us: this is YOUR blog, so you write whatever is on your heart=)
I hope that the fears subside soon..you are in my thoughts!

Baby Deux! said...

Remember THIS IS YOUR BLOG and you can write about whatever you want! Secondly, if you haven't noticed my lack in posting it is because I am so consumed with anxiety over this pregnancy that my chest is so tight to the point that I am having a hard time catching my breath and hoping my shrinky-dink can give me ANYTHING to help me...so keep these posts coming, it makes us feel like we are not alone.

christina(apronstrings) said...

keep telling yourself...that statistics almost ASSURE you that you will be holding a prescious little one. you will. you will. though, i know it.is.scary.

thinking of you.
xoxoxo

Baby Steps to Baby Shoes said...

Of course you're worried. You've gone through IF which has taught you to always fear the other shoe is going to drop. Please don't feel like you can't write about such fear. In your shoes, I would feel the same way. And I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so anxious, I wish there was something that could be said to make it better, but I understand why there's not.

Jendeis said...

Yeah! What they said! I do appreciate, however, that you post at the top when you are going to be covering kids and extended pregnancy symptoms. Sometimes, I'm not in a place where I can read that, so I check back later to read when I feel better.

I can't imagine why anyone would post some of the mean stuff I've seen. If you don't like it, click off. It's as simple as that.

Re: your pregnancy, we're all here for you and hope that everything is going well. Remember to take it easy, take deep breaths, and take it one step at a time. More platitudes later. :)

nancy said...

To be honest, it's refreshing to see someone actually ~feel~ things. And although it's particularly hard for me to read 100% doom and gloom pregnancy blogs - all the way up until delivery, it's hard to read all the happiness ones too. Pregnancy is scary. It's hard. It's painful. Having gone through two of them now, I know that although I enjoyed each one, I had my moments of terror and pain and confusion. So when I see a pregnant one be solely one sided - either puppy dogs and rainbows OR doom and gloom, it feels phoney to me because I know pregnancies aren't all like one or the other. So good for you for being bold enough to recognize the other side.

Elaine said...

I echo what all the other women have said. It's your blog. Write about anything you want to...this includes every single aspect of your life.

And, don't let anyone dare make you feel for a second that you have forgotten where you came from (IF), because you faithfully post comments that inspire most of us on a daily basis. Trust me, we know that IF isn't far from your mind. And we appreciate your courteous attitude when you are posting blogs of your own...

However, with that said, sweet friend...IF has robbed you of so many happy times. Please don't let it rob you of your entire pregnancy experience. You could regret that one day... I know that is easier said than accomplished (so, I look forward to you reminding me of these words when I ever...when I DO get my BFP). We can all empathize to the anxiety you must be feeling.

Hope you and your little one, as well as your friend, are more relaxed and confident in the days to come.

Marcy "meg" said...

Yep everyone is right in that it is YOUR BLOG and you should write exactly what you want. I am 8 weeks along and I wonder if there will be a time where I won't worry, but I am kinda figuring out that won't be the case.

I do hope you can find that calm place and when you do, let me know how you did it!

Kate said...

Don;t try to stop yourself from feeling emotions that are so normal. Being pregnant is scary - even without any risk factors at all. Just remember that you are doing really well.

Cibele said...

I see that we are both at the same place, trying to say no to the fear. It is so difficult and I also feel guity on writing about it. We have to keep on believing my friend a try to be storng for our babies. I'll pray for us and for you friend.
Hugs!!!!

Mommy Someday said...

Gosh, Farah! I know exactly what you mean!! The fear is never ending...

Chas said...

The fear really doesn't end...it might ease up some, but it doesn't end. You need to blog about whatever you're feeling. Hopefully the women out there that haven't received the precious two lines yet realize that you were in their shoes at some point and that hopefully there'll come a day when they can blog about the same things your blogging about now.

Morrisa said...

I can't speak for anyone else who is still on the other side of the fence but I think that you have every right to be scared, worried, complain, whatever! Just because you dealt with IF doesn't mean you have to have the perfect pregnancy. I for one think you are an amazingly strong woman. Just like the other ladies said, this is YOUR blog. If someone doesn't like it thats too bad!

Diana said...

Do not be afraid to blog anything! I think this whole pregnancy thing is terrible. Earlier this year I had a friend lose her pregnancy at 17 weeks. So as I approached 17 weeks she and I were very concerned. I think we will worry until our baby is in our arms and then we will have all new worries. I think you are perfectly normal. Congrats!

hope548 said...

I just hate that you have to live with so much fear because of all that you've been through (and your friend). I hope things ease up soon, and please don't hesitate to blog what you want to. You blog for you, it's your journal, your story!
Take care!

Melissa said...

I have so often been gripped by fear and anxiety of this and that over the past several years of adulthood, and I can relate to how you're feeling completely. It is SO HARD to get past that heart pounding, gut wrenching, dry mouth feeling of terror. A few verses for you (forgive me if I am overbearing, these are words I live by):

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. (Deuteronomy 31:8)

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war rise up against me, yet I will be confident. (Psalm 27: 1, 3)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

As hard as it is, remember He knows every moment of your life before it happens and everything will happen according to his will no matter how much you worry or stress. You are in my prayers and I hope this period of anxiety passes swiftly.
*hugs*

Dreamer4agift said...

You should not be afraid to blog your thoughts...at least not when it concerns what others will think. You have struggled like everyone else, and you are now experiencing what you deserve--life.
I look fwd to your posts, despite IF, b/c it gives hope to me. I also like to live vicariously through you:) Then when it happens to me I'll think to myself "oh yeah, this is what she was talking about!"
I am sorry that you are feeling anxious, but you can make it to the next appt. I have you in my thoughts and prayers. May God give you the peace you need.
Maybe this is what you need, putting it out there in blog-land, for all to read. Then maybe you won't be AS scared b/c you'll have put it down and out of your mind.
(((hugs)))

Heather said...

I know how you are feeling. I went through the same thing when I had my DD who is seven-years-old now. It's only normal. We're about to go back to the doctor next Monday to start again to try to have another baby.

But don't apologize and you need to blog about this. IF is more than just getting pregnant. Even after your baby is born, you will still have the feelings that have come from IF.

Hang in there and Happy New Year!

The Dunn Family said...

I feel like I write this comment all the time. DO NOT beat yourself up for being scared and nervous. This is what ALL IFers that end up pregnant feel. DO NOT feel like you need to apologize for putting into writing your fears. It's your blog, and we all come here to support you. I would imagine that most people that read our blogs are from the IF world, so we all get it. Give yourself a big hug, and STOP beating yourself up!

And I will be sending you lots of good vibes. And to your friend as well, because that is heartbreaking what she has gone through, and I pray for her that this pregnancy stays put! Hugs.

Meghan said...

Not to beat a dead horse, but this is your blog, so write whatever helps you.

Your fears sound completely rational to me. Even women who get pregnant the old fashioned way have fears. I think ours are sometimes magnified because we know too much and we've been through so much to get where we are.

Hoping these next 7 days go by quickly for you. And I'll keep your friend in my thoughts

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Even when you're pregnant the fear is still there. I feel it too. It's not irrational, you've been through a lot and you're entitled to your emotions and concerns.

Just know that I'm thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way (and I'm sending some positive thoughts to your friend as well, because that is just terrible that she is going through that again).

HUGS!!!

Cindy Nguyen said...

You will never get any criticism from me. You are keeping it real, and thats why I come here everyday.

Try to remember that whatever happens is completely out of your control. You are on the good side of statistics. I hope your next appointment brings you some peace.

Big hug to you!

Jen said...

Gosh I just can't imagine anyone criticizing you on your own blog. I am sorry your heart is so heavy with fear! I am praying for special mercies of comfort for you! Happy New Year!

sara said...

Farah...I want you to know that you are always in my thoughts! I'm so sorry that you had an especially rough time lately. You have every right to feel like you're on the IF side of the fence. People who have not been there don't realize that you never really leave the IF side of the fence because it forever changes who we are and therefore stays with us always. This seems so unfair sometimes! I'm sorry for your friends losses...and I know nothing I say can take away your worry...but know that you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers that everything will work out and you will have the beautiful mini vann you so deserve!

lots of hugs,
Sara

Geohde said...

I'm sorry to read of your friend's troubles. How very frightening for her.

J

Barb said...

Please don't be afraid to blog about it. Love to you and your friend. I have that fear all the time when i'm just TRYING to get pg. I can't imagine it if/when I ever get pg. You are very entitled to it and should get it off your chest.

I'm sure pregnancy insecurity hormones do NOT help the situation.

Melissa said...

i have been praying for you since we talked...i am sorry you have been afraid,love you

tracey said...

words have power, and I really believe by speaking your fears, on paper or out loud, gives you back a little control. not in a weird metaphysical way, but by acknowledging them. everything is scarier in the dark. drag them out in the light, see it for what it is, and go from there. and there's nothing wrong with being afraid sometimes. anyone who wouldn't be is either in denial or heavily medicated. and don't apologize for it. it's yours, it's legitimate, so let it out. that's what blogs are for. : )

jayleigh said...

**big hugs**

I am so proud of you for taking charge of your life. You can't let fear reside anywhere near you.

Rooting for you, dear one!

Searching said...

You blog what you need to blog. Be it fearful and tearful or joyous and laughing. Do what YOU need to do. I'll be here for you regardless.

I'm praying for you and your friend.

KarenO said...

Ambrose Redmoon said: "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."

And Katherine Paterson said: "To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another."

You're on the right track! It's there, face it, and conquer it then YOU are the champion :)

Anns said...

So, so hard.. I know.
Please stay strong... and positive. It's all we've got.

Hope said...

I agree, write what you feel, it's your blog and you don't have to apoligize to any of us, for anything you write. Praying for less anxiety for you, I think your fears are pretty normal for any pg, but especially having been 'on both sides of the fence'. Thoughts are with you!! Hang in there!