Sunday, February 8, 2009

Miss Communication

Boy do I have alot on my mind lately. Before I go blabbering on an on, I have a wonderful supportive Husband. But ... We may kill each other soon. Well, E and I haven't really been home at the same time to tend to MT together. And you can tell because we have is a huge communication issue

Let's take it back a bit:
We were going along with life on cruise control. Then I started back to work part time. We kept MT on eachothers work days. Did the daily cleaning tasks, and kept MT fed, clothed, dry and rested. For me, this schedule was rapidly feeling more chaotic as the days went by. Everything felt disjointed and misshaped. So, on my days off, I started writing down what our day looked like. I was trying to keep record of MT's feeding issues to document so when I went to the Dr we had a basis to go off of. Plus E always would ask me things and I would not remember on the spot. And, we were trying to figure out how to incorporate solids 3 times a day. Also, I figured if we were going to use daycare, they are going to want to know what a typical day looks like.

This weekend, E went a few hours out of town to his friends birthday party on Friday afternoon. He called me a few weeks back and we discussed this. Then, Thursday night, he reminded me about it and told me that it was just an overnight thing he thought. Saturday, around lunchtime I called to see what time he would be home. He asked the guys what time everyone was leaving and replied back to me that he would be leaving Sunday morning. I tried to remain calm on the phone because these guys only get together one time a yr. I wanted to not let that bother me and I wanted him to have a good time. He works hard, everyone deserves to have a break every now and then. It just happened to be on a weekend that I developed a sinus infection and MT was miserable. The thing I was upset about was that he didn't think to solidify plans before he left. I asked several times about details and such and he didn't know. I tried to give him some slack. let the boys be boys etc....... He isn't the most detail orientated guy. And his friend suck at planning.

Well Sunday at like 11 I sent him a text asking him when he thought we would be coming home. He called me at 11:45 and told me that he was loading up the car, he had just woken up. (add insult to injury) He walks in the door (with a food bag) a few hours later to a screaming,miserable child and a unshowered hungry, tired wife. I was so excited to see food to only find out that he didn't get me anything. But he did let me have some of the fries. I ate the fries and told him that I was going to take a shower. Before I got in the shower, I decided to clean the bathroom.

I was then loading the dishes in the dishwasher and getting ready to find something to eat But E says that he needs to take a shower also. So, he does that. After he gets out, I ask him to please watch MT while I just detox and veg and take a nap. It was a rough night last night and I was up and exhausted. I told him that I wrote what we had done on the paper so he would know when MT may start to get hungry. Well, I hear MT giving E a hard time and E tells him they are going for a walk. About 10 mins later, It dawns on me that I bet E didn't check the sheet of paper and doesn't realize that MT is giving him a hard time because he is hungry. I went running outside to ask and of course, he had not checked that. So We went inside and fed him. Skip to later, E said that he would bath MT. SO i sat in the computer room which looks into the bathroom so I could play on the computer and talk with them. After the bath, I see E going to grab for a towel that I think is dirty. I asked him not to use that towel, I think it was dirty and smelled. He said no, It was fine. Not 3 seconds later, he turns and looks at me and says "Does this towel smell sour". I flipping lost it. He said he didn't hear me ask the first time. (same excuse he used about not reading the sheet) I explained to him that he responded to me. SO if he didn't understand me, he should ask me to repeat myself or clarify or SOMETHING because I was about 4 seconds from offing him. He doesn't listen to me anymore, He just responds to me ...... We had several more of these lil episodes before bedtime.

The problem is, we aren't used to being parents together at the same time. And after we werew that frustrated, we just both shut down. I know this may sound stupid, but we both haven't been home together at the same time in about 2 months. And apparently, today since we were home together E expected me to do it all and I expect him to help out with out me having to ask every stinking thing. (ya know read my mind) And neither really know what to do about it. SO more growing pains... It's all a learning curve. Tonight after MT went to bed, We had a good talk. Not much was accomplished because We were both frustrated and exhausted. But we did talk and will continue to talk tomorrow. I want to be one of those people that have it all figured out. You know the ones I'm talking about. Until then, I will be the one over here keeping in real

22 comments:

Heather said...

At least you are talking though - that is huge. You guys rock. It will work out.

Kathy V said...

I am so sorry that you guys had a breakdown. It is good to get out the expectations of one another whether you are home together or not. I think all guys have the notion that if you are home together the woman should take care of the kids unless asked. I think the woman always assumes that the guys should take part and help without being asked. Everytime I walk away and my child cries though, my husband always assumes she is hungry cause I get the "Shouldn't you be feeding her?" "No she does not need to be at my breast for hours on end. Just play with her and pay attention to her." Well I am sure you will work it out. Just give him certain jobs for when you guys are home together. Or plop mt in has lap and say you are going to work on something for a time period and that he is responsible for mt during that time. Hopefully it will all fall into place for the both of you.

Kate said...

It's hard. Even now, when M and I really have it down pretty well, there are still days when I want to kick him in the butt. Talking is good, though.

Barb said...

Hub and I have had the same problems when we were on different work schedules even WITHOUT children. So no wonder it's hard WITH. Hang in there.

Jen said...

I'm sorry. I know it is hard to be "on call" all the time. And everything is tougher when you are tired. I'm sure things will be better soon.

Rebecca said...

OMG...we had a horrible fight yesterday too...pretty much about the same thing - COMMUNICATION!!! I feel for you!

AJ's mommy said...

I love that you are real. Makes me realize that we all have issues at some time or another. The communication is hard and it does get very trying at times. We have struggled with being two moms that we are both stepping on each others toes trying to do too much! I know you guys will figure it out and the fact that you are talking about it is huge.

Kathy said...

Communication with your spouse can be so hard Farah, especailly when your child is young and has so many needs that only an adult can take care of. (((HUGS))) It's that whole "Mars/Venus" thing, though I know not every couple fits those sterotypes.

I am so glad that you guys were able to talk some last night. You both need to be able to be open and honest about your feelings and needs. Though discussing stuff like this can be painful, it usually makes things better in the end. Hang in there. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hopeful Terri said...

Sorry about the communication issues. Sounds just like my husband and I.

While I like to think that I have a great husband and I really do. He is very supportive; however I want to "unwind" after the monster has been cranky all day.
I guess he hasn't figured out how to read my mind. I have lost it too the last few weeks because of the teething/crying esposides.
Hang in there -- it all goes back to communication which sometimes we take for granit.

Good luck.

sara said...

I'm glad you guys can talk through things but yes it would be hard to coordinate things if you're not home at the same time often. I hope things smooth out soon. Sounds like you give it everything you've got to make things work so I'm sure it will. ((hugs))

FattyPants said...

I would be pissed. Talking is the only way to work it out though. I'm sure you guys will make it over this speedbump.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I completely understand. I think we all want to be those people who seem to have it all down pat. But as time progresses, I'm not sure that that is possible for anyone. So, I'll take what I can get at this point and worry about perfection later! :) ((HUGS))

Amanda said...

I'm so glad that you two are trying to communicate. I couldn't imagine being home on opposite schedules...ugh. This whole Mom & Dad gig is hard enough when you're on the same schedule.

I really think that it must be a man-thing to not get that Mommy needs down time, too. Seriously. Babies don't need Mommy by default.

Maybe it's also a man-thing to auto-respond when they didn't hear a word you said? Can it be a woman-thing to slap them upside the head when this happens? ;-)

Mel said...

Ha... this sounds a lot like a day in the life of my marriage NOW, pre-baby. Me thinks I am screwed once she actually gets here.
I am glad you guys are able to talk through it all though and hopefully it will happen less with time. I don't know how on earth marriages survive some of the stuff they do, but I must say that it is an impressive thing to make it through it all and come out on the other side.
*hugs*

tryingin2007 said...

parenting is NOT easy my friend. I bet every single new mom (or dad) could have written this post. your honesty is very refreshing. it's not all roses and happy happy.

you'll work it out. I promise.

((big hug))

Elizabeth said...

Parenting is SUCH a learning process to me!!! You are doing a great job... it's HARD.

Katie said...

You are a nicer wife than me, I would have lost it when he told me that he wasn't coming home. And then again, when he had the nerve to not bring me food! Seriously, though, you had a lot of patience and I am sure that helped diffuse what could have been an even worse situation.

Thinking of you guys. . .

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I am certain that I have said this before but DO YOU AND I HAVE THE SAME HUSBAND? HE's so freakin deaf and he doesn't automatically put Colin's needs first. Or mine. And then he gets so upset when I have a breakdown - "why didn't I ask for help sooner, why don't I reach out to him before I have a meltdown, etc etc." But all of the things that I ask him to do are my ways of asking for help. And I DO ask him to take care of the baby to give me a break but why doesn't he just jump right in?? He's gotten much better because we have had repeated discussions about this but it is still frustrating. All this is to say that I feel your pain. And to keep talking is the only solution. My sister said that you just have to keep working at it and that they will get it eventually. Since Mr. LIW has improved, I have to believe that it is true, you know? So feel free to vent on this issue at any point because you know that other bloggers like myself will understand! And I will cross my fingers that E will learn mighty quick!

And have I told you lately how awesome you are?? Thanks for your wonderful comment on my blog. I really wish that we lived closer to each other. You are such an amazing friend!! :-)

XOXO

Geohde said...

LS and I have issues when we're both home too. I get shirty that I still do it all. Mind you, I do it better, of course ;)

J

Nurse Lochia said...

I think the first year you have a baby is so hard on a relationship, partly because I think almost everyman thinks it's the woman's job to take care of the baby. Husband and I bickered/fought more than normal the first year after each of our kids was born. But, because you guys talk to each other, you'll work it out.

Photogrl said...

Miss O will be 5 in less than a month, yet M. and I still have the same problems. Not as frequently, anymore, but we still find that we sometimes step on each others toes.

The good news is you realize this. And you both are talking about the issue.

I've learned to ask for help. Which is hard for for me. But we tend to argue less when I break down and ask.

sara said...

If you don't mind me asking....do you have a preference on a food processor for baby food making?