Friday, October 31, 2008

Trick or Treat

We took MT to my parents for Halloween. Actually we, Left MT at my parents for a few hours tonight while E and I went out to dinner. It was a pretty weird feeling. Eating a meal that was hot and with 2 hands. It felt nice but foreign. and he has only been here with us for 4.5 months ...

My Halloween pumpkin:
DSC_0013

OK ..this is a warning, I have (over)shared lots on this blog, but I am about to go into intimacy with some emotional detail .. If you know me in real life and don't care to know this much info about me, you should take my warning. (although, I don't see a problem with you reading on)

E and I had a HUGE discussion,/fight/conversation last night. To say that our intimacy needs improving is probably an understatement. As so many know, intimacy somewhere along the way got lost. (and for those that didn't lost it - send me your secret) It was all about timing, dr's appointments, cycle schedules. I would not use the words spontaneous, fun or exciting to describe that part of our life for probably 5 yrs. Was it hurting our relationship then? Yes.. Did E mention it to me numerous times then? Yes, But I would just either get defensive or cry. So, Here we are sitting on the "other side" and we are STILL having this discussion. I have a 4.5 month old and I can count on 1 hand the number of times we have been intimate since I received a positive over a yr ago now. Does it bother me, Nope... Does it bother E, YES. In fact, It bothers him so much that he stated that he feels like I do not feel attracted to him and that he some how feels rejected, like a failure, and failed all at the same time. He said "like your cheesy romantic movies/song, I want you to want me". I cried. I had nothing to say to that. I am unsure what I can do to reverse this situation. I am unsure if this is related to my hormone levels, some form of PTSD, lack of interest for far too long, denial, exhaustion, etc. I hate that I am causing this situation in our relationship. I am sorry that I am uninterested in this area of intimacy, I am sorry and frustrated that he is feeling neglected, I am sorry he is tired of my excuses, I am sorry that I am tired ... I am trying to figure out what to do .. Mutually we suggested counseling ..maybe I(we) need it. It was a rough night. I laid in bed til 3-4 am trying to figure out what to do.. How can I be there for him in this way when I just don't feel it, when my house honestly looks like a tornado came through and I have no time/energy to clean it (for Christmas I asked my relatives to help me deep clean and re-organize my entire home) There is laundry in the washer, dryer and a load in the basket waiting to be folded, dishes in the sink, in the dishwasher, the stove is dirty from dinner, the floor needs to be vacuumed/moped, did I have a shower today? when is the last time I shaved is my outfit clean, .... AH make it stop ...... While he lays next to be snoring away, sleeping peacefully and soundly ....

I am told, I will adjust

24 comments:

Katie said...

Farah, Sweetie. You are not alone. I can also count on one hand the number of times we have been intimate since the positive. . . last December. And even before that. We were intimate because our specialist told us to, for about a year, before we went to IVF. And before that? Well, sex=pregnancy=miscarriage. Not a great combo for romance. So, I feel you on this.

Do I have any suggestions?

Nope, not at all. I just want you to know that you are NOT ALONE. And I hear you.

Katie said...

And, BTW, that pic of MT. . . priceless!

Amanda said...

I UNDERSTAND!!! We have been going through the same thing since Brooklyn arrived. I'm not interested at ALL. I think it's happened 6 times and she is 7 1/2 months old. He has said the same things to me...that he thinks I'm not in love with him anymore, that he thinks I'm not attracted to him, etc. I don't know what the answer is. It's awesome that y'all have agreed to counseling. I hope it works for you.

Geohde said...

Yeah, I could count the times on one hand, too.

You are most emphatically Not Alone,

Much love,

J

bethkyle said...

i also feel like the baby moved in and my libido moved out...but before my pg was the DH who was indifferent about intimacy...so now it is still me bringing it up, and not because i will have that pleasurable of a time...mostly because I think it is important for our relationship...i tell him it is 'all about him'...and if that means it is very quick it usually makes him happy....still it is MUCH less frequent than before...

Hilary said...

Oh Honey!!! hang in there..wish I had an answer for you

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

You are DEFINITELY not alone! G and I have had this same conversation. The only thing I can suggest is just to dive in and try. It will be awkward, it might be uncomfortable, but with time it might become fun again. We are still working on it but I'm hopeful that with time this too will pass. ((HUGS))

Polka Dot said...

I went through this with my first husband. Back then, I was riding the tails of clomid. Sex was timed - these days but not those days, lay in bed for 30 mins afterwards and pray something happened. It got to the point where sex was a chore - I dreaded it and he dreaded it so much that there were times he had problems.

The only thing I can say is that when I finally accepted that clomid was not the drug for me (it failed horribly) and I jumped off that rollercoaster, I was finally able to separate sex from baby making. Sex once again became for fun only. No more timed anything.

Yes, I say first husband because we divorced shortly after I stopped all treatments - but that had nothing to do with the baby making stresses and everything to do with my realizing I married the wrong man.

I once had someone tell me that you have to act - at the slightest urge, grab him and go with it. Let the dishes sit, let the laundry stay where it is. Take 15 mins (or .. ya know ... whatever) and just do it. And that's what I had to start doing.

There are times during a busy day when a slight, teeny tiny spark ignites and we're oh so quick to squash it with other things. Don't. Fan it when it sparks.

That and maybe talk to your OB. I have no doubts that you're not the first person to experience this and your doctor should have some suggestions to help your libido.

Sugar and Ice said...

I think everyone must have bought that same onesie for their baby. We have the same one for the twins...well, one twin at least.

Unfortunately, this is something a lot of couples go through, even ones that didn't go through IF. Breastfeeding can sometimes cause women to lose their sex drive. Of course, there's not much you can do about that until you're finished, and it's still not a reason to never be intimate with your hubby. I watched an episode of Oprah once (if you knew me better you'd know this is out of the ordinary since I can't stand Oprah), but anyway, I watched an episode of Oprah where the couples had kind of lost the romance in their relationship and were not doing the deed much if at all. The counselor they worked with before the show recommended scheduling sex. They set aside a time each week that they would come together, even if they weren't in the mood, and spend some romantic time together and just do it. She said your sex drive is a "use it or lose it" kind of thing. She said that after a while of using it again, even when you really don't want to, you'll eventually get it back. I think there's a TON of truth in that. I wish you guys all the luck!!

Amanda said...

I'm sorry that you two are going through this. You're definitely not alone. (((hugs)))

Jen said...

Farah, again I say, I wish I was your neighbore! You and I could sit outside in the middle of night (when our work is finally done). I am also in the same boat, I actually have scheduled 3 appointments with my ob to talk about this, and all 3 got cancelled because of something... insurance guy coming, carpet installation, dh not home in time, etc.. Anyway, I know how you feel. I have the same ptsd. I can tell you that when the twins were about a year old, things improved in that department. I felt spontaneous and actually enjoyed myself. Since last years cycle and pg though, I'm right back to nothing. I don't wanna, don't think about it, only think about the ways I can get out of it. I am also very uncomfortable "downthere". I think because of bf, but I don't know. Anyway, although every tv, movie, book I see has everyone wanting to do it. I am trying to find the urge and time to get back on the "horse". I think it just takes a lot, a lot of patience and sometimes just doing it even though you don't wanna!

oh, and what a wonderfully cute pumpkin!!!!!!!!

AJ's mommy said...

girl...how come everytime I read your posts it is like myself writing it??? Wow... you are always on top of it. I just don't have the guts to write it on my own blog :) Well not really the guts, but too MANY of my family members read my blog :) I don't have much advice, but like others have said you are NOT alone. I think we all go through phases though and with IF everything got tough and it is just going to take some time to get back there!

Oh and that picture of MT is so adorable! Looks like a professional pic!

ChateauKaufman.com said...

How freaking cute is that picture?!

Photogrl said...

MT is TOO cute! I love the picture.

{{HUGS}} to you...you are not alone with this problem. It is hard, talking to your OB is a good start.

Life will get easier. I promise.

Cibele said...

YOU ARE NOT ALONE... in my case it had an effect on my husband, and we are suffering big time. I am glad you guys could talk about it. It will get better

OMG, MT is sitting up alone??? he is too cute for words

HUGS MY FRIEND

Jill, Mommy of Tanner and Josie, our Clomid baby. :o) said...

Four words: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! :o)

As for MT, Good Lord, could that child be any cuter????

Glenna Marshall said...

What a CUTIE PIE! He's precious! Wow--he's sitting up so great! My son (same age) is not nearly that close to sitting up so well.

Jen said...

Oh, that picture is so great!

If it were me (and it might be soon), I think as long as it was just lack of interest and not actual bad feelings, I'd just do it, kind of a fake it until you make it type thing. (And lord knows I've done that in the past.) But if you have actual negative feelings, then I'd go for the counseling. This is just based on my experiences, of course, I can't say what is right for you guys.

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

Oh man Oh man this all sounds soooo familiar. We are going through the exact same thing right now, I wish I had some wise words for you but we are struggling too. Ug.

BUT... THAT IS THE CUTEST LITTLE PUMPKIN EVER!!!

Anns said...

Ok first of all - HOW ADORABLE is MT!!!!!!! Love him!

Secondly, you are not alone. "Dad" and I used to have what one could have called an active sex life. Even post-Payton's birth. But now, within the past 2 months or so, I have zero intimacy interest.

The thing is that I know that the more we do it the more I want it, I just can't find the energy or desire to do it.

Basically I'm saying I don't know what the cure is other than perhaps to force yourself to do it and hope that over time your libido will return.

Now if only I could find the energy to listen to my own advice.

Courtney said...

That is one adorable picture (we had to do some propping ourselves)! MT looks so big!

Hang in there with the intimacy issue. All I know is that it definitely is not easy to find time to get everything done, and then fit in something that should be so important to our marriages. I can relate to this for sure. Thank you for posting about this topic.

PIECES OF ME said...

WOW... Did I write that? Sounds like myself and most of my friends!
~M~

Adriane said...

MT is gorgeous. He's so big!!

Thank you for posting about this. We're having a similar problem. You are not alone. I don't have advice on this, either. It's so hard. I think it's common after baby to have this issue, but especially because of the infertility. Sex becomes a job. I think we'll have to work hard at getting the intimacy back. Counseling is probably a good idea. Thanks for being brave enough to post about this, Farah.

HUGS to you.

Barb said...

OMG!!! He is ADORABLE!