itching towards 4 months

DSC_0027, originally uploaded by FARAHBETH.

I will have a 4 month old here very soon.

This past couple days we have had some major breakthroughs. Naps still seem to be around the same time each day with some give and take. I have been able to put him down when I notice he is sleepy and get at least an hour out of the nap. (this pleases me so much) Sometimes, It is in the swing, sometimes it is in his bed, sometimes it is in his carseat ... BUT it is sleep and regardless of where it is. This is a large improvement from me having to hold him to get him to sleep and while he sleeps. (which We had to do for the first 3 months of his tiny lil life 95% of the time) I am able to recognize these sleepy cues and work with them.

I may hate myself for this later on, but I have found a pacifier that seems to help console him when he is sleepy. We tired paci's off and on and he was not a fan . . Not at all .. In fact the paci usually frustrated him more into a screaming fit. But this past week I have tried this and it seems to work. I use it when he is noticeably sleepy. He sucks on it and drifts off to dream world w/o a fight. I can get some me time, chores done, or whatever ... For me, this is a compromise because I need a break and he needs sleep. Plus if he is occupied by something other than myself, I can get some much better pumping time in.

I have surrendered some of my neuroses or trying to. I am going to do my best, but my best is only done when I am able to make rational and well thought out decisions. And let's face it, Hormones are all over the place. And It is hard enough for me to make a decision w/o having hormones effect the outcome.

I think that MT is getting much better at sitting and holding himself up. (still with some assistance) I can see improvements just from last week.

A few things I wish I could/should/would have done differently:
I wish that I was able to connect with some other women that have have a child MT's age. I have said this before but It is something that I wish I knew how to do. I guess I just do not know how to make friends anymore. and honestly, I don't think I try very hard at it either. Mentally, I will psych myself up before I get to a mommie group meeting - then I just find myself packing up and leaving aft erhte even is over w/o trying to attempt to make a connection.... It is hard because I ususally have to get home to either pump, feed, change, lay MT down for a nap ..etc you name it. But Now I am down to only 2 more months left before I have to make a decision If i am going back to work at my current job or make other arrangements. So more than 1/2 of my time is up, I am now getting the swing of things .. and I feel like it's all about to change so quickly.

I also wish that my father was not so much opposed to my choice to breastfeed. He is extremely verbal and condescending about it. I understand how he feels and I have respected his feelings and his household. It is making my choice very hard. I think he knows that. I think that is his goal/point. To make this choice to breastfeed very difficult to make me stop ... I know he has good intentions .. and I know that we will get through this. This whole situation just takes swings at my already low confindence level. It sometime validates my insecurities of shame or being indecent or dirty that sometimes comes along with breastfeeding... When it is SO NOT any of those things. I wish I could just grow a pair and let him know that he is offending me as much as my breastfeeding offends him. When we are over at his house ,It is clear that if MT needs feeding, I need to make sure to have enough food in bottles ..Which makes it very hard for me to sometimes want to go over and visit them and I hate that. ..I think I have harped on both of these subjects enough ..I just keep trying to get them out of my head and they keep returning...