Trick or Treat

We took MT to my parents for Halloween. Actually we, Left MT at my parents for a few hours tonight while E and I went out to dinner. It was a pretty weird feeling. Eating a meal that was hot and with 2 hands. It felt nice but foreign. and he has only been here with us for 4.5 months ...

My Halloween pumpkin:


OK ..this is a warning, I have (over)shared lots on this blog, but I am about to go into intimacy with some emotional detail .. If you know me in real life and don't care to know this much info about me, you should take my warning. (although, I don't see a problem with you reading on)

E and I had a HUGE discussion,/fight/conversation last night. To say that our intimacy needs improving is probably an understatement. As so many know, intimacy somewhere along the way got lost. (and for those that didn't lost it - send me your secret) It was all about timing, dr's appointments, cycle schedules. I would not use the words spontaneous, fun or exciting to describe that part of our life for probably 5 yrs. Was it hurting our relationship then? Yes.. Did E mention it to me numerous times then? Yes, But I would just either get defensive or cry. So, Here we are sitting on the "other side" and we are STILL having this discussion. I have a 4.5 month old and I can count on 1 hand the number of times we have been intimate since I received a positive over a yr ago now. Does it bother me, Nope... Does it bother E, YES. In fact, It bothers him so much that he stated that he feels like I do not feel attracted to him and that he some how feels rejected, like a failure, and failed all at the same time. He said "like your cheesy romantic movies/song, I want you to want me". I cried. I had nothing to say to that. I am unsure what I can do to reverse this situation. I am unsure if this is related to my hormone levels, some form of PTSD, lack of interest for far too long, denial, exhaustion, etc. I hate that I am causing this situation in our relationship. I am sorry that I am uninterested in this area of intimacy, I am sorry and frustrated that he is feeling neglected, I am sorry he is tired of my excuses, I am sorry that I am tired ... I am trying to figure out what to do .. Mutually we suggested counseling ..maybe I(we) need it. It was a rough night. I laid in bed til 3-4 am trying to figure out what to do.. How can I be there for him in this way when I just don't feel it, when my house honestly looks like a tornado came through and I have no time/energy to clean it (for Christmas I asked my relatives to help me deep clean and re-organize my entire home) There is laundry in the washer, dryer and a load in the basket waiting to be folded, dishes in the sink, in the dishwasher, the stove is dirty from dinner, the floor needs to be vacuumed/moped, did I have a shower today? when is the last time I shaved is my outfit clean, .... AH make it stop ...... While he lays next to be snoring away, sleeping peacefully and soundly ....

I am told, I will adjust

Aboriginals, Alternative Pants and Monkeys

Ahhhh this weather is fantastic ... I love the chill in the air. It is So very rare to experience it this time of year. I am going to enjoy it while it lasts because..it will not last.

As soon as I hit post on those low self confidence posts ..I do regret it .. I regret it because It could sound as though I am complaining, And I assure you even if it sounds that way ... it is not meant to seem like a negative aspect of my life... I just get stuck on these in my life and they grip me or I grip them so hard it is hard to let go and move on ... ... This is not one of my finer qualities.

Moving on - I figured I would post what I have experienced w/MT the past few days (maybe a week)

• From now on, if asked if I have a schedule, I will say Yes and keep it at that ....
• MT is really into this jabbering thing. He talks so much. Along with Talking and making sounds, his new favorite thing to do to get my attention is this fake cough/hacking sound. It is his newest hunger cue. We like to think that he is studying one of the many aboriginal languages. He has this mmmmmhmmmmmm sound he makes when he starts to get sleepy
• He has stopped his crying spell for car rides..thank god. That was no fun to deal with.
• Baby clothes are worse than woman's sizes .. I hate trying to figure out what size to buy. It always depends on the store I am in .. and even then it seems to vary.
• I thought these were the most stupid thing I had ever seen when I was pregnant .... I am now about to go searching for a pair because it is cold and MT HATES pants ... No matter what size pants he has one, they tend to squeeze that fat lil belly and he tends to get very miserable ( i know ... he is only a wee tot and already giving me grief about clothes) How do I know this, you ask... Take the pants off and he is a whole new boy Plus when changing a diaper, you can see they are leaving pretty red, raw indentions. So We put on alot of those one pieces on him.
• I need some of these for my sister's wedding next weekend. I am leaving to go up there on Sunday. This will be my first trip by myself anywhere. It's a 5/6 hour drive. I am still debating what will be the best time to travel, what I am taking with me (swing, bouncy, etc..) I will be there for a week. E and my parents are coming up Wednesday. I am going up early to help my sister get a few things done and hang out with her and friends before the big day. I am excited for her but nervous about how I am going to handle MT up there away from E and my parents all by myself. E and Myself are also in the wedding, So I am nervous about who will watch MT while we are in the ceremony. Things I should have thought of ... but, It will all work itself out.
• E has off Friday, MT has a monkey costume .. I am not sure where we are going, but we are going somewhere to show this costume off. Here is a sneak peak.

Why do I always feel I have to get on my soap box about this...

It has been relatively cool here lately. I am loving it. I just love the fall season. I think because it starts to cool off and we can enjoy being outside without sweating to death.

So, we tried cereal for 4 consecutive days. He seemed to enjoy it the first day because it was new, slurped it all down … the second day showed very little interest … third day no interest at all … fourth day, would not eat any of it. I was trying to make it alittle thicker the other days because the first day it was like liquidy and super messy. He liked that best ..but by adding cereal in our day, we managed to have some really off/abnormal days. He was pretty miserable. It seemed to be causing him some stomach discomfort, definitely constipated, Did not have a bowel movement until Sunday night - which seemed alleviate the fussiness/discomfort ... but that was 3 days w/o a bowel movement. He has been so regular until then ..every day around 10 am ish until introducing solids .....So we will put the cereal away and maybe try again at 5 months. I am just not sure his little stomach was ready for it ... or maybe this is normal..maybe there needs to be a built up tolerance that happens as you introduce it and it just gets better with time .. .. I am unsure. All I know is taking cereal out of our day yesterday gave us a MUCH better day.



I carved a pumpkin yesterday from the pumpkin patch we visited in GA. I haven't done that in years. The last time I think I did that was in college and my then boyfriend, now husband and I got into the biggest, nastiest pumpkin fight. He started it .. (i think) .. All I know is that it is extremely hard to get pumpkin guts out of your hair .... We made MT pose by my pumkpin
Frightened:


Now Happy:


On another note - It has been almost 18 weeks and my swing batteries are just now starting to die. Classical music on its last leg ... brings out a whole new sound

Speaking of classical music on its' last leg (from our swing) .. MT naps in his swing now .. He went back and forth on liking and disliking the swing. We are in a phase of liking it at the moment. It may change but for now, I get a good 1.5 - 2 hour nap/down time out of him in the swing. I know and have been told by MANY unapproving parents,grandparents, naysayers, anon commenter's, etc .. and I just don't really care or understand their concerns. I have received many unapproving looks by many things that I am choosing to do and some days it beats me down, other days, I don't get a crap .... Speaking of things that beat me down, I hate the word Schedule with a passion now for sure. I use the word pattern, and We adhere to that pattern most days but I like flexibility ... I have found myself becoming too neurotic and anxiety driven if I watch the clock too closely. I can have a full fledged silent panic attack along with other frustrations when clock watching and demanding expectations from MT. I find it be peaceful and relaxing for me to just go with the flow, watch for cues instead of "telling the 4 month old who is in control" ... Yes, I have been told that . I need to tell him who is boss, set the record straight now. I am unsure how much of a record I can set straight since only one of us speaks/understands the english language. I am trying to enforce cause/effect relationships right now. I do not wish to wrestle or torture someone who is just trying to understand the new surroundings .. Maybe that makes me a bit lax in my parenting style... maybe that makes me not a great structuralist for now .. Maybe we will both just figure it out as we go ...I am sure there will be mistakes, and I am sure there will be "i told you so's".. I wish there would not be i told you so's, but it seems that people are really competitive and determined to be "right" when raising children/grandchildren/students

Can you tell I am frustrating with the "right" way to parent ..... Why would you think there is only one Right way to parent .. aren't all people different? I know at many points in my life, I did not embrace differences. It seems that the general population have decided that all babies are the same and should all be raised the same ...I get so frustrated, beat down, discouraged and upset over this .. This bothers me so, because some days I am just coasting along and other days I am just surviving. I still do not have the confidence I need apparently .. but Blogging as really allowed me to embrace the different spices that life has to offer .... Embrace differences, judge less, gossip not

What do we have here

My precious little pumpkin has learned a brand new trick (and it's not a cute one) ... He has learned to Scream his little lungs out during car rides. Yes, the entire car ride. No matter where you are going or how long it takes to get there. This started a week ago. Friday, on my way to our halloween group party, he screamed the whole way there. I thought it was because his morning nap was cut short. We had a great time at the party. We was in a happy mood and things we chill. We left alittle early so we could pick up E and drive to my sister's (5.5 hours away). I put the lil stink-pot in the stroller and headed towards the elevator ..... at this moment again, my sweet precious lil boy was replaced with a screaming banshee. I was in public .. and a public hospital on the L&D floor. I HAD to do something .. So I picked him up, and put the diaper bag in the stroller and wheeled it to the car He stopped as soon as I picked him up (ahh he just wanted me, Isn't that sweet) ... I got to the car, Changed his diaper. (thinking it was the root of the problem) .... he screamed the whole process. Picked him up, He stopped crying .... I felt loved but really?..... Tried putting him in the car seat again, the screaming banshee returned .. In a parking garage (oh the echo .not so sweet) ..... I seriously thought he was just overstimulated and tired, so I just buckled him in and drove ..25 mins later there was STILL a screaming banshee in my back seat ..I was trying to get home as fast as humanly possibly. I got home, LUCKILY E was home ... I handed MT off as i cried and explained I thought he was just tired ...

Saturday and Sunday were different days for us because someone was in the back seat with him while we were at my sisters.

Monday -Thurs he has done the same exact thing ... scream in the car seat all the way to our destination ..... There is a mirror there so I can see him and he can see himself. It has been there since we installed the car seat. He used to talk to himself in the mirror ... I can no longer use the overstimulated and tired excuse because it has be realized that if One touches him, He stops crying...... like Immediately... .... Problem: I cannot safely drive and touch him at the same time. I cannot pull a britney and drive with him in my lap ... He needs to be safe and I need to be safe ... I am losing my mind over this ..... any help, tricks, ideas, earplugs, suggestions, etc.. ANYTHING ..PLEASE help, I am desperate ....

2 days into cereal - things are going ok. Our schedule seems to be a tad off now. I am not sure what to blame.... He usually goes to bed at 8 - both days now it's more like 9:30. I may have to try doing the cereal earlier. I have been doing it at 10am. It does make that next nap VERY long .. Which is why it's 9:00 and he is not tired yet. Or maybe I just let it be ... not sure what I feel about this yet

All in All, I think he liked it. We shall attempt again tomorrow. I will not follow the box instructions ..they make it too runny.

rambles and requesting comment participation

• Fa.ceboo.k is addicting ... Don't start it ... you can spend hours you do not have on it. OOhhhhhh but it is very fun. I just signed up last night.
• I have about 4 unpublished posts in my que. They aren't published because I just can not figure out the right words for them. This is the first time I have ever not just wrote and hit publish ... Something is holding me back and I don't know what it is.
• MT is growing and changing by the second. Yesterday, he took a 3 hour nap in the swing. I managed to get so much accomplished. I was not rushed at all. It felt nice.
• We should be giving him cereal tomorrow. I have been holding out because I wanted to make sure we were all ready for this change. I have paid more attention to the signs and he really does move his mouth, tongue and lips when someone is holding him and they are eating. I do believe he is ready now.

Now here is a participation question. Everyone, please chime in... Hypothetically speaking - ahem.... clears throat ..

Your spouse only works ~3 days of the week. You work 5 days of the week in a different county that takes about 35-50 mins to get to (each way) in loads of traffic. You cannot find a public daycare facility that will allow part time daycare. You will have to pay full time day care in the county in which you live in even though you do not need full time daycare. Paying daycare will be alittle more than 70% of your take home pay for the next 6 months. After those first 6 months it will go down to alittle over 50% of your take home salary (unless they raise prices which will likely happen). You will only see your child for maybe 3/4 waking hours a day during the week. Which will include breakfast (while you are getting ready for work), bath, dinner, bedtime. You have thought about private daycare but have hesitations about having a stranger from a at home daycare provide their services. And do not personally know anyone offering private care. All this for doing a job that you do not love. A job that you think you may leave in the next 2 years. A job that you are afraid to give up only because of the fear of the economic state the US is in right now because you should feel grateful you even have a job when others do not. You realize that you can make ends meet with a part time job, see your child more for quality time and never need daycare. Yes there will be sacrifices, you will not have the financial comforts that you once had but there are always sacrifices to make. You do not have the financial comforts that you had a few years ago either because of this despressing economy. Discuss. If you were in this hypothetical situation, what would your questions be, how would you handle this, Be fair and honest .... Comment

Pumkpin Patch

So it's that time for that token picture.

We went to visit my sister this weekend and saw a pumpkin vendor and tried to take MT's picture in the pumpkins ... We had to come back after a nap and some tylenol ..Did I mention he is teething and screams like a banshee

First attempt:


Second attempt:

This and That

*has anyone else had trouble with reader and leaving comments on b.logger? It seems that for 2 days now, My comments were being eaten and reader would not display new blog entries ...

We had MT's 4th month appoint. today. He is weighing in at 15lbs 14oz. (70th percentile) and measuring almost 26 inches tall. (70th percentile). He has chaffing underneath his neck crease (fatroll) that we are applying diaper rash cream on in hopes that will clear it up and that it is not fungal. Our Dr also suggested that we start him on baby cereal after she evaluated him. I have been very unsure about how i feel about this for a while now. But after a good discussion with her, I feel that it will be a good learning experience for MT. So in the next week, we will be adding, most likely, cereal to his diet. I am excited to see how he likes it and how much we are able to keep in his mouth. She told me to try and give him cereal once a day for a week. She first suggested at night to help him sleep better- but he is a good sleeper at night so I think I may try mid morning. If all goes well after the first week, we will add in veggies for dinner the next week. After veggies go well, then we will add fruit next. I think this is going to get messy, fun and adventurous. E is insistent that I invest in a spill mat to put underneath the high chair since we can't put the high chair in the kitchen. Tomorrow will be rounding up all the necessities: spoons, bowls, spill mat, cereal, a good food processor. AND a video camera. I want to be able to have someone video tape it for entertainment purposes. She did tell me that I could expect MT's liquid intake to possibly decrease a bit as we begin to experiment. We will see. While we are on this topic, Anyone have a good food processor? I would like to be able to grind/mash/puree my own steamed veggies and fruits for him. (i am not sure how practical this is but it doesn't seem too challenging in my mom's group) I am, curious to see how this new additive of food will change our loose schedule that we do have going on. (MT still takes naps relatively at the same time every day give or take 45 - 60 mins)

Did I mentioned that MT rolled over? I believe it was on the 8th. He rolled from tummy to back. I was soo very proud of him. E was home to see it. Of course, we made him do it a few more times to make sure it wasn’t a fluke. He did it at my parent’s house this weekend. He definitely has that locked down. He also has started to notice food, my food, his bottle and seems to understand what it's function is. He gets extremely excited when he sees us coming with his bottle. Recognition has been a fun thing for me. I just adore watching him discover things. He definitely knows that I am the lady that provides for him. His eyes will follow or find me and the sound of my voice if some one else has him. He has also found out that he can squeal very loudly.

I am not sure I blogged about this - If I have just disregard my scattered brain. I left the house the other weekend going to grab lunch with some friends. My hair felt like I had overgeled (so a word) it. I do not use gel. I could not figure out what I had done ..... Uhm it was conditioner. I put conditioner in my hair in the shower and did not rinse it out .... See I have it "all together".....

This past week my brain has been so unbelievably foggy. I realized this a few days ago (after the blogger meeting actually). It has been MONTHS ( 4 to be exact) since I was able to sit at a table and have a conversation that was not about poopy diapers and stained clothes or feeding/nap schedules. I felt alittle lost. It was so weird. I realize now that I sat there acting a little weird and silent. I don't know what it is. Exhaustion maybe ... probably. We had an extremely jam packed weekend and E worked.

Speaking of exhaustion, E works 12 hour days. He works a pretty weird schedule 3 on 2 off, 2 on 3 off. What this means is that he leaves the house before the sun is up and returns home after the sun has set. So for about 13-14 ish hours on the days he works, It's all me. I am by no means complaining. We knew this was how it was going to be. The execution of this has been a little (ok, alot) more draining than the notion was. On the days where he works, he has been walking in the door and helping with the last feeding (or bath then the last feeding depending on when he arrives) and bedtime. We have really tried to stick to a bedtime ritual and have maintained this for about 2 months now. I have found that I need this more than MT does. 12-14 hours being the sole provider and still doing the middle of the night pumping was really starting to take a toll on me. I was breaking the when baby naps, you nap rule. I was trying to get a few things accomplished when MT was down. Sometimes, things just have to be done. The last few nights, I have given up that 2am pump. I think, this contributed to me feeling and acting like a zombie.

*so I apologize to the girls this week. If I seem a touch out of it .. I was and am. but I enjoyed it with all my heart. It was so nice to be able to do something like that. I wish we lived closer to do it more often. I really soaked up the atmosphere. I think I realized that I do need more adult interaction.

Check this out ....

On a different topic:

I had lunch with a few bloggers yesterday. It was so much fun and everyone is so enjoyable. Jen has pictures. We sat at Olive Garden for hours just talking and enjoying each others conversations and company. We must do this again! Everyone is just as I expected them to be. Friendly, Bubbly, Intelligent and Super Sweet!

It was the first time out of the house for me w/o MT in 4 months. I really felt naked or like I was forgetting something all the time. I did get to enjoy a meal with both hands though. It's the simple things that are just easily forgotten but huge blessings nonetheless.

My husband was off so he offered to keep MT while I went. He said that he had an enjoyable day with him but he could not get anything done.. I just laughed. Now he knows what I mean when I say those very same things and he gives me those "eyes".

Photo down memory lane

I was tagged by Elle Charlie to write about a random photo.




Funny thing is that I have been contemplating posting this picture for quite some time now. This tag gave me the courage I needed. This photo was taken 3 yrs ago today actually. It was at my cousin's little girls 1 yr old birthday party. She tagged me in it on m.yspa.ce a few months ago. When I saw that photo and nearly croaked. I was in the last few weeks of this pregnancy. That is NEVER a good time to find an absolutely horrible picture of yourself. I was so ashamed of this picture that I for the longest time refused to accept the tag. I mean seriously, I am not sure there could be a more unflattering picture of myself hot, sweaty, and hugely LARGE at the park in Florida in Sept. (it's still smoldering hot in fl)

When this photo was taken. I was in a BAD BAD BAD place. This was the year that my mother's health became a family affair. Jan - March of that year, I had taken off of work to stay home with my mother to help out my dad so he could work. This was just the beginning of a long road we were not prepared for, or had any idea how far this road would be .. It was starting to take a toll on allof us. I had been TTC for 4 years. My husband was in a not-so-great job .. We were living in a not-so-great apartment. What I am saying is, I was majorly depressed and comfort eating like no bodies business. I am not trying to make excuses, I am trying to make a point. It was a very dark time in my life, and I was trying to hide it most days ....

Following with the trip down memory lane and perspectives (and timing), I (once again) went to my cousin's little girls 3rd birthday today.

This time last year, a few days before her 2nd birthday party, I was informed that I had failed my second IUI. The RE office's had comfirmed that I had not ovulated. I was so upset over this. Two months of a high amount of injectibles to help make me ovulate and no results of ovulations even. I was sicker than a dog the day of her 2nd birthday party. I thought I had the flu and a tooth ache. A week later I found out that I was not sick with the flu ..It was something else .. It was a positive pregnancy test.

Today I took My 4 month old baby boy to her 3rd birthday. I know this may seem cheesy and dumb - but in my little world, this meant the world to me. Progress was made. A since of acheivement was reached and I was loving every minute of it sweating out in the FL Sun

Getting Rough .

loads of tmi questions about BF

Recently we have run into a reoccurring situation. My son has taken up chewing, biting, gumming anything that he can get in his mouth. Yes, this includes ME ... I has gotten used to the drool, gumming, biting for the most part. The kicker is this behavior does not stop when he nurses. He has bitten my nipple more times than I'd like to remember. It hurts like a mother ... He just chomps, bites and pulls on them. Sometimes he treats them like a dog w/a chew toy, shaking his head back and forth, side to side. (*yes there is plenty of milk) Instinct is to pull him off quickly and throw him .. .... BUT ......It actually hurts MUCH worse if i pull him off. I have tried the pushing his head towards me over and over and over. This seems to agitate the beast more and he bites harder .... On days like this, I am so very thankful there is a bottle that I can feed him from because he usually leaves my nipples so sore and tender for a good day after he decides to bite down on them.

I know he is not doing this out of spite ...but I can't help but get upset at him over it. I know he doesn't know he is hurting me but it hurts none the less. I am actually afraid he has damaged one of them pretty badly. When I pump, I notice that it is no longer pumping like it used to. It dribbles the milk out instead of a stream/squirts. His biting is making me more susceptible for yeast infections I think. I try to apply a hot/cold compress on them when I have time ... but Time is not something I have alot of most days.

On top of the yeast and hurting issues, It is making me dread feedings. i find myself being very apprehensive about breastfeeding him. (on top of the already timidity and lack of family support) I am so gun shy about being bitten again. I assume this is because he is teething .... Anyone else experiencing this, experienced this? Any tricks to help or will I get used to it so I can learn to grin and bear it?

I was bf-ing 3/4 times a day ... It seems like now as soon as he bites me, I stop and go get a bottle because it just hurts way too bad to get bite again

itching towards 4 months

DSC_0027, originally uploaded by FARAHBETH.

I will have a 4 month old here very soon.

This past couple days we have had some major breakthroughs. Naps still seem to be around the same time each day with some give and take. I have been able to put him down when I notice he is sleepy and get at least an hour out of the nap. (this pleases me so much) Sometimes, It is in the swing, sometimes it is in his bed, sometimes it is in his carseat ... BUT it is sleep and regardless of where it is. This is a large improvement from me having to hold him to get him to sleep and while he sleeps. (which We had to do for the first 3 months of his tiny lil life 95% of the time) I am able to recognize these sleepy cues and work with them.

I may hate myself for this later on, but I have found a pacifier that seems to help console him when he is sleepy. We tired paci's off and on and he was not a fan . . Not at all .. In fact the paci usually frustrated him more into a screaming fit. But this past week I have tried this and it seems to work. I use it when he is noticeably sleepy. He sucks on it and drifts off to dream world w/o a fight. I can get some me time, chores done, or whatever ... For me, this is a compromise because I need a break and he needs sleep. Plus if he is occupied by something other than myself, I can get some much better pumping time in.

I have surrendered some of my neuroses or trying to. I am going to do my best, but my best is only done when I am able to make rational and well thought out decisions. And let's face it, Hormones are all over the place. And It is hard enough for me to make a decision w/o having hormones effect the outcome.

I think that MT is getting much better at sitting and holding himself up. (still with some assistance) I can see improvements just from last week.

A few things I wish I could/should/would have done differently:
I wish that I was able to connect with some other women that have have a child MT's age. I have said this before but It is something that I wish I knew how to do. I guess I just do not know how to make friends anymore. and honestly, I don't think I try very hard at it either. Mentally, I will psych myself up before I get to a mommie group meeting - then I just find myself packing up and leaving aft erhte even is over w/o trying to attempt to make a connection.... It is hard because I ususally have to get home to either pump, feed, change, lay MT down for a nap ..etc you name it. But Now I am down to only 2 more months left before I have to make a decision If i am going back to work at my current job or make other arrangements. So more than 1/2 of my time is up, I am now getting the swing of things .. and I feel like it's all about to change so quickly.

I also wish that my father was not so much opposed to my choice to breastfeed. He is extremely verbal and condescending about it. I understand how he feels and I have respected his feelings and his household. It is making my choice very hard. I think he knows that. I think that is his goal/point. To make this choice to breastfeed very difficult to make me stop ... I know he has good intentions .. and I know that we will get through this. This whole situation just takes swings at my already low confindence level. It sometime validates my insecurities of shame or being indecent or dirty that sometimes comes along with breastfeeding... When it is SO NOT any of those things. I wish I could just grow a pair and let him know that he is offending me as much as my breastfeeding offends him. When we are over at his house ,It is clear that if MT needs feeding, I need to make sure to have enough food in bottles ..Which makes it very hard for me to sometimes want to go over and visit them and I hate that. ..I think I have harped on both of these subjects enough ..I just keep trying to get them out of my head and they keep returning...

I cannot figure out how to embed a google video here .. So you will have to follow the link.
(hopefully this will show you that we are having fun here even if I get a lil too neurotic)

I have to give a product a shoutout! I have been using a lanolin for almost 4 months now that is quite thick and goopy. I bought this ... Oh, It is fantastic .. If you are in search of lanolin ... Hands down the best thing .. It goes on soo much easier.

Kryptonite

I have been stewing on this post for quite some time now. (and like always, it will not come out in the best words or thoughts) These past few months have been a big giant blur mostly. I am enjoying my new title and responsibility. But I will not lie..It is Daunting. I laugh That I thought I was "prepared" (mentally and physically) to care for a newborn. But as they say, there is nothing like hands on training .... 24/7 for the rest of your life. Oops tangent .. back to the point:

Research
I must have researched, researched and researched the research obsessively towards the end of my pregnancy. I was not going to do this, we will not allow this type of product/material, We will do this .... I had my mental list of how to do things and what not to do all prepared and discussed with my husband. I studied up on all these new allergies, vaccines, products, recalls, unsafe items, foods, materials, toxins, germs, chemicals.. the list goes on and on. I swear to you .. I still am going mental over all of "this". I am also quite frustrated and angry about this topic.

I live in the US. You know the land of the free and home of the brave. ... What is free here? Heck Air costs money these days. ..grr tangent .. I need to stick to my point .. My point is that this baby raising has gotten so complicated. Or have we complicated this baby raising? Why am I worried that if I miss a pump (that are using bpa free plastics) I may not have enough milk to provide to my child and he have to ingest that tainted baby formula .... Why should I be thinking about tainted baby formula ... Why am I worried about what type of plastic he puts in his mouth? Why am I worried about the chemicals in his diaper/clothes/blankets/toys? Why am I worried about exposing him to something harmful on a daily basis? Why am i worried that if/when MT gets a fever, I will not be about to find a safe OTC medicine for him w/o having other reactions? Why does it seem that everything on the planet contains some sort of ingredient that is going to harm humans? Why is it financially expensive to be concerned and buy products that are "less harmful" than others .. What does less harmful mean? Why is it mentally expensive to be concerned when I cannot afford to purchase the "less harmful" items because the other items are more economically affordable to the general public? Is there a hierarchy of life based on how deep your pocket is?

I am not an alarmist .. I am not trying to be an alarmist .. I am not trying to cause others to panic and retreat. I am just trying to figure out what in the world we are doing that causes so much harm to everyone. No, I was not born yesterday nor did I fall off a turnip truck. There is no event in my life up to now that has been as life changing as caring for a newborn. It has made me question every part of my being. It re-examines the who, what , where , when , and how's of life to the nth degree and back again. (yes, even though I thought I was prepared)

There is this protective gene that has come out of no where in me .. This protective gene is obsessively googling all types of words and situations. Some days I just throw my hands up in the air and concede. Other days I stand on my soap box and proclaim my distaste for the product makers that create harmful products and vow to not support them but try to never project my convictions or opposition on others ... Other days I turn a blind eye ... It's like having product amnesia some days. What I am saying is, it is freaking exhausting enough doing the daily routines of this new life, why does the world go and muddy it up with all sorts of craptasticly harmful products and write them off as acceptable.. Why are the people who are placed in positions to protect us, not doing their job but still collecting a salary and profit? Are others concerned about this too, what are you/they doing about it? What can i do about it? Am I overly concerned and anxious? If I am not overly concerned, why are the friends and family whispering subtle remarks to each other about my want to use cloth diapers, bpa free bottles, plates, spoons, cups etc? Why do I feel like this is an uphill losing battle at times? Isn't it ok if you aren't concerned about it, why does that make me seem like a 6 eyed alien because I am concerned about it?

As you can see, I have contemplated this for a very long time. I know that most of these are rhetorical questions. I know that many research is years behind and it has taken this long to figure out some of what is and isn't harmful products, behaviors, theories and so on.. .. I know that there will always be something that is harmful and a "less harmful" alternative. I just have to do the best I can with what I have been given. I need to use my over abundance of common sense, creativity and intelligence to do the best job that I can. Until then, you can find me eating my organic, recycled, cardboard circling the block with my recycled tire shoes ..which we will later find out that the wood to make the cardboard was grown in some random location that contains some now detected foreign object that causes us to sprout horns like a unicorn ....

Passing it Along

The one about all kinds of randomness

• I am pretty sure that I am going to start the actual first real period soon. This should explain the roller coaster ride of emotions that I have been experiencing this past week. I say real period because I think this one may last alot longer than 1 day of spotting/flow like the others have been. I have pretty much the cramping and moodiness that are related to the ol' hag. (i haven't missed her It's been a full year w/o her presence) I also seem to have a supply issue again. I was told that once my period does decide to come, the breast milk supply slows down for a few days but eventually should come back .. we'll see. It all has to do with hormones ... evil evil hormones
• MT has been trying to roll over the past couple days. He rocks back and forth on his tummy until he gets frustrated or stuck. He is getting close
• Check it out She is having a Girl and She is having a Boy!
• MT is somewhat still following the same pattern with some give and take. We still have "Hold me ALOT" days. Today was one of them. In his defense, I have had him out dress shopping for my sister's wedding for the past 3 days and he (and I) are just over it. I do have a matron of honor dress now, so no more of that nonsense. This is not what you want to do ever .. especially after just having a baby. dressmakers are evil and do things that make your trigger those evil hormones ... ... .. SO add this up: dress shopping, dress shopping by yourself with newborn, dress shopping in a nursing bra, dress shopping while having first period in a yr, dress shopping while not working ..... It is enough to send anyone over the edge
• I am starting back on my met. The rx was called in, I will pick it up tomorrow.
• I know there is more I wanted to add but my brain is turning to mush ...
• Why Can't I ever think of titles for my posts anymore
• This time last year I was recovering from IUI#1 and gearing up for IUI#2 (more on this later)..
• Here are 2 more pictures - He is growing and changing so very fast. I swear, He changes right in front of your eyes: I cannot keep his hands or anything he picks up out of his mouth. I am constantly washing the drool, spit, saliva, hand germs off of his face. It tends to leave lil red bumps. I also cannot ever cut his nails short enough. He manages to scratch his face regardless of how short/filed those nails are.