Brain Dump

We have been trying for weeks to catch a smile on camera .. DO you have any idea how hard that is?!?!!? ... Well tonight He just was sooo happy and coo-ing and being all giddy. I thought for sure my husband could get at least one on camera (since i was holding him and I am the main photographer for the family) .. We got the tail end of plenty of them but never the big huge gummy grin that makes my heart sail into utopia. I cannot even begin to describe the feeling I get when I see him smile. It just makes my heart melt. Wanna see?


Here are some other pictures - I have had a few free moments today to play with my software.


MT is his ever loved boppy:


I realized tonight - (well I realized a while ago I just admitted it tonight) there are things that I could have NEVER in a million years imagined that I would be doing as far as my parenting style. We both are very comfortable with having MT in our bed. He does not sleep there alot of hours, He does have a crib and a packnplay but his first morning feeding (5/6 am) He likes to just fall asleep on my chest - and I absolutely love it. Before MT was here, I had big plans ..Huge plans ... Plans that involved Him sleeping IN HIS CRIB, IN his room from the very first night when we got home ... Yah he has napped a few naps in there but Not many ...

Breastfeeding/Pumping - I love it. It works for us. It is hard work but now that I am working on getting more comfortable with breastfeeding - I really do love it. It was painfree until my first period (which my dr says was not a period because it was in the post partum window) I got very sore/senstive ni.pple.s. The residual pain is still there but lessening each day. We only actually breast feed about 3 times a day. I can not tell you HOW AGAINST bF-ing i was. No really .. I was NOT A FAN . It grossed me out, freaked me out, made me jealous, brought up alot of negative, bad, weird feelings. I am now admitting I like it. I know it is not for everyone and I am very ok with that.

There are so many things that I hear myself pre-baby in my house, pre-situation saying and I am still continuing to eat my words hourly/daily.
I have wrote about this before (quite a few times actually) .. I will probably write about it again.

I ordered this new sling , so far,hands down, easiest/best to use. Thanks to Becoming Mom for showing me the site! LOVE IT, MT loves it. It is super convenient and very do-able.



Ok - we are taking MT up to Wis. to see E's Dad's side of the family in a month. To say I am nervous is beyond unstated. I need to find out the airline rules for babies, carseats, liquids, what is considered a liquid, etc all that stuff that is so new to me. Boy I couldn't make a lil road trip for 5 hours ... and now I am putting myself and my child on a plane .. WHy am i So freaked out by all of this? It will/does get easier right? I really need to find some local people that just had a child the same time I did. I think It will do us some good. This is my goal this week!



Tech Support- I want to switch from blo.glines to google r.eader - Is there an import function? Or do I have to start over?? Can anyone help?



So there is my brain dump ... Such I apologize now?

No Go

YEAH! Keep the opinions coming about birth control and the mi.nip.ill. I appreciate all opinions. It was so nice to some delurk (as requested)! I am also pretty worried about blood clots - just coming off lo.venox - I need to call and ask about that - it could help me make our decision. I also have this - We could use that as a guide also....

We did not make the road trip today - instead we made a visit to MT's dr. Last night we had a fussy night to the point of unconsolable for 4 hours. We have never had to deal with that - my absolute sympathy to those nodding their head whom have dealt with an unconsoled baby more often than we have ... we tried it ALL nothing worked! I have been noticing boogies and more snorts than normal so last night i figured he was just upset because we actually used the sucky bulb to try and get some snots out. He finally wore himself out and slept most of the night.

When he woke up, I fed him and noticed he was having alot of trouble breathing and thus trouble eating. I was concerned because he was so frustrated he did not want to finish eating. He managed to go back to sleep and when he woke up for his next feeding - same thing ... trouble breathing, and not wanting to eat. So I called the ped, she wanted to see him, SO i showered, he napped, i tried to feed him again - and he was very happy to eat = he ate it all -no trouble eating ore breathing .. but we went to the visit anyways.

He weighed in at 10lb 11oz! What a lil butterball!!! His ears, nose and throat were all clear - no sign of congestion at all - so apparently - I am just neurotic. BUT I did learn that you are supposed to use saline drops when you try the sucky bulb up the nose .... so we went and bought these. (suggested by the dr) and a cool mist humidifier. I haven't bought the humidifier yet - we also have not had any more breathing/feeding problems.

Thank you so much for the kind words, prayers, thoughts for my mom - Basically, the Dr's believe it to be a hormonal disturbance or imbalance and are trying to figure out what is best for her - (which is what I have been saying it was all along to my dad since it all started around the same time as menopause) - She has been under care for a week and should be coming home very soon. Thank you for all being so kind ... I guess I better go make dinner before E gets home so we can enjoy spending time with each other.

now what

Whirlwind ..... that describes my life recently. Caught in a whirlwind. Last Thursday, My father ad mother decided it would be best to try a treatment facility that my sister found where she lives. We really have had no luck with her care providers here. It was like beating a dead horse with some of these dr's. No one seemed to want to try to help us figure out the problem - they just wanted to over medicate her more and Everyone involved was getting frustrated. The diagnosed her with something that I just disagree with. And they almost convinced my father that she was bi.pol.ar. I have dealt with many of these patient's and I just did not see it in my mother and I was not/am not floating down Denial ... Really

SO long story short - they took her to be evaluated to see what that facility could do for her. I received a call from my dad letting me know that they were going to keep her - i LOST IT. I knew this was a possibility and I knew this was what my dad was hoping would happen - But i just cried and cried and cried over it. She is in a different state and I have a newborn. I wanted desperately to be there - but knew I needed to keep my head on straight and care for my child. Visiting hours were only for 1 hour a day and it's a 5 hour drive. I knew that I could not make that drive on my own and E had to work. So i just cried some more. We had the absolute worst day that Thursday. I was tense, upset and just tearful - Which only made MT tense, upset and tearful. I sat on my bed, feeding the poor boy and tears just streaming down my face. I blame some tears on hormones and some on a crappy situation. E came home - we discussed the possibility going for a weekend visit. After talking it through, we decided that I just needed to stay home and try to relax, unwind and have some fun. So we spent the weekend doing just that. Hanging out and enjoying being a family of 3. We went out to dinner, a walk in the park, the mall and watched some mindnumbing TV. (should I mention that we had some relations? or not)

Today I had my last OB check up. I was told all things looked great, healed fine, etc... and i can stop shooting up! I mean, discontinue my Lo.ven.ox .. WOW - No more Shots! That is something to have a party for. So tonight will be my first night w/o any injections of any kind since October. I am so glad to be done with them. My ob would like me to continue to take an aspirin, a prenatal (until I stop nursing), and a folic acid every day. I was so excited that I get to stop the lo.ve.nox, I forgot to ask for my Met back.

We did discuss the inevitable ... Birth Control. I am having such a hard time with this topic. I do not want another child right now, My dr's would probably go into cardiac arrest if I showed up in their office pregnant in the next yr. I think I might actually go into cardiac arrest if I show up pregnant in the next year... Yah Right Me pregnant w/o assistance in the next yr ?!? ... then there is this little part of me that says "what if" ... I always liked the What If Game. I am completely satisfied with 1 .. MT is my miracle. I am absolutely perfectly satisfied .... But what IF .....
Since I am breastfeeding/pumping - I can only take what is called the Mi.niPi.ll .. Mini refrence .... Ironic Huh ... I have the prescription ... Am i going to fill it? I don't know. PLEASE weigh in your opinions I want to hear from everyone that reads this post .. Delurk to Comment PLEASE. I am really floundering and seeking all kinds of opinions.

Lastly, my father is trying to get me to ride with him tomorrow to visit my mother. It will be our first road trip if i end up going. I want to go visit her, my sister wants to see the baby but I am waiting for E to decide if he can go a few days w/o us being home.

As always, my life seems to be alil abnormal - please know I am reading (if i don't comment- my arms are tied up)

I did have something to do with it

As much as MT looks like his father - Check these out:
(notice the safe 1970 carseats)








This one even resembles him - It's My dad


Needless to Say - MT is a great Mix

Unusuals

*MT stands for Monkey Toes

Yesterday was an unusual day for me

First - I woke up and was re-visited by an old acquaintance. AF .... Yes HER ... Yesterday was exactly 6 weeks from delivery. I am still pumping and BF-ing. I panicked. All research denotes that supply drops off after the first cycle. I have to say chalk one more weirdness up to my body .. My supply has improved over the past 3 days. Let's hope that continues to be the trend. It is a VERY weird feeling to have a period and not need to call a dr about it to plan for upcoming treatments. For the last 2 yrs, the routine has been CD1- call Dr. and notify it's CD1 .... Now, It's CD1, I wasn't expecting it ... I thought it would stay away longer and most likely need to be medically induced. I am unsure if I can use tampons yet. My next re-check is Monday. I guess I could call and ask. This is just something I was not expecting at all. I am interested to see how this is going to affect my PCOS and cycles.

Second - My husband and I had a very good conversation about my next dr.'s appointment, our future and our relationship. My very lovely, patient husband reminded me of what he has had to endure over the past year. He has been neglected in certain ways over the past 12 months. He was not complaining, we were sharing our feelings about where we are now mentally and where we needed help, love, support and what we needed to keep our relationship growing and moving in the same direction. I appreciate him so much, I appreciate his faithfulness, his character, his companionship, his love, his patience ...i could go on and on! It was a great talk, one highly needed and done with such openness and a compassionate heart and temperament.

During this talk- We discussed my upcoming Dr appointment. I told him that the Dr is going to want to talk birth control. We both are of the same mindset - no pill. I have been pumping my body with hormones for yrs - to induce a period, try to induce ovulation, and conceive....I am still bfing - therefore my options are limited - and we are ok forgoing the whole pill option and use other less medical options .. It's a risk we are willing to take

Lastly - We went to a pediatric urologist to discuss a body part I have little knowledge and experience with. Overall, it was a great appointment - the dr thinks that most of his situations will correct themselves in his first yr. He was glad his pediatrician was so attentive and wants us to come back in 6 months for another look/see. He has a few very minor ad.hes.ion's and a hydr.ocele - all are very common and tend to correct themselves.

Things with our daily routines are back to normal - less crying, more happy times, lots more smiles and alert behavior, and eating about every 3-3.5 hours. I am hoping to decide on a place to take MT to get professional pictures soon - He is changing daily.

6 Weeks

We are making progress in our BF-ing attempts. The mom group on Friday was such a great, informative, re-assuring experience. I found out that 6 weeks is a transition/growing stage. I was not alone, It will pass ... all music to my ears. I needed to hear that it is normal and expected - I also was given some Ideas and comfort. (thank you for all of you who made suggestions! I did read hap.piest baby on the blo.ck)
We went on a "roadtrip"trip. My Aunt, Uncle and Grandmother flew down to meet MT. We all drove 2.5 hours away yesterday for my sister to see MT. I was beyond nervous - But It went miraculously well and gave me more confidence in the whole leaving the house anxiety. We went and got a gadget that allowed me to power my breastpump in the car. I pumped a few times yesterday in the car - which also gave me more confidence "on the go". It seems like this "all" becoming very managable.

Of Course, I leave you pictures:

Cake and Cuddles

Thank you for The Birthday Wishes. We had a really good day and that night MT gave me a birthday present of sleeping 9 hours. I was actually very grateful for 7 of them and then spent 2 hours pacing - finally I decided to wake him up and make sure he was ok. *which he was but I apparently am overly paranoid with certain things*

We are going to our first bf mom's infant support groups at the hospital I delivered at in the morning at 10. I am excited to go and see how I do amongst others that are moms and have children MT's age. It will be my first meet/greet mom style. It's a weird territory for me. I called a friend to make sure I was supposed to bring MT with me. I didn't want to show up kid in tow and find out that childs are not supposed to be in tow ... *i know i know ... I am learning.. E says it's a B.Y.O.B Party (he can't decide if the last B is bo.ob or baby) Yes yes I know he is not RIGHT .. MT and I have been working on our bf'ing. I say we have about 2 good latches a day. We are trying and not giving up he is gettin the hang of it. We actually nursed from both sides today. He is a one side only kind of bf-er - But it's progress.

Ok calling all seasoned/newly/wise/experienced/nonexperienced/etc. Mom's/or women with ideas - The past 2 days we have had some really clingy/crying hours. From about 10am-2pm he has decided to only nap if I am holding him, and if i put him down he does this cry like he is being squeezed in a vice and twisted. It's awful. Before 2 days ago .. he would go from a whine to a whimper and if not fast enough to meet his "needs" then a cry like you are squeezing the ever loving breathe out of him ... Now we skip all whine/fus/whimper and go straight to the death cry .... I have found that the paci works WONDERS .. (until it falls out or he pulls it out) ..shhsing also works .. I absolutely have to keep the paci in his mouth or else .... We are now repeating this lil "exercise" as we speak ....... he is in the swing, i just have to make sure the paci stays in .... he is fed, changed, burped, clean, no fever ...... any ideas? this a familiar phase to anyone?

this cute lil face is who I'm referring about:


ME WANT CAKE:

Happy

Birthday to me! MT turns 5 weeks today and is happy and healthy. I think this may be the best birthday so far.

Working the Planner out of Me

Welp E has been back to work for a week and we are all still alive albeit in survival model. I went from having lots of help to - having to help lots .... E works 12 hour shifts - This means that for a span of 3 days - It's all me. 24 hours a day .... just me, E has to get some sleep to function on the job. I am sure that this will get easier, I was used to having a few extra hands for a month -- It's only been a week - we have learned to adjust. It will only get better

I went to a funeral for a close friend's father on Thurs., WOW add that to a list of things Not to do after having a baby so soon. The tears started flowing and flowing and before I know it, I could not. Thursday/early Friday morning was rough, It seemed like my mind was overwhelmed with trying to process too many things that I didn't have time to process while suffering from sleep deprivation. I had a long talk with myself in the shower Friday morning -I am having a hard time with this weird no rhythm or reason phase.
I am still pretty much doing on demand feedings. Sometimes he will go 6 hours -if he was sleeping (allowed by our pediatrician)- sometimes he will only make it 2.75 hours. He is trying to be more awake and alert during the day, I notice that I have to feed him sooner.

I find that parenting books/site frustrate me. They cause me anxiety. E keeps having to remind me that MT is ONLY 4 weeks old. I want a practical book/info site that gives realistic expectations/timelines. I was trying to push a schedule on a 4 week old... I was forgetting that he is doing AMAZING. He only cries when hungry or needs changing. He is really happy. It's ok if he doesn't eat at the exact same time every day. Uhm, can you tell I'm a structured planner?!?! This not being able to plan/predict part is the hardest for me.

Help - I have developed leaving the house anxiety! Because I cannot predict/plan. My parents are trying to help me figure out how to adjust - and I appreciate their efforts. I give them a time that I plan on leaving the house to go to theirs - so far every attempt has resulted in not going as planned. It seems that I say i want to leave at 12 because MT is do to eat at 1 -1:30 ... MT will want to eat at 12. or need a diaper change THEN want to eat .. I am told the older MT gets, the easier this all becomes. I am unsure - I think it may get easier because I get more trained ;) I say all of this with a smile on my face- having the time of my life. It is definitely a work in progress and although some days are more guesswork than others - we are all alive, fed, changed, showered, and dressed every day. It really is a weird, overwhelming, chaotic, exciting, amazing and chaotic time and I am still enjoying every minute of it.

stolen from Allison (it's her birthday!): my wordle



It's Sara's birthday tomorrow!

A Favorite Picture

1 Month Appointment

We went to MT's 1 month appointment today. He weighs 8lbs 13oz. He is 22 inches long. He is in the 70th percentile in height and 25th percentile in weight. He is a good eater and the Dr encouraged us to try and get him to be interested in a 5oz bottle once a day - she suggested to try at night to see if he will make it through the night (6 ish hours). I told her that he has managed to do a few 6 hr nights already. She was impressed.

He does has an Umbilical Granuloma. She treated it with silver nitrate and we go back July 15th (my birthday) for his 2nd Hep B vaccination and to re-check the belly button and maybe re-treat the belly button with more silver nitrate.

He also has some extra skin around his lil boy part from the skin trying to re-attach itself from his circumsion. So his dr is sending us to a pedicatric urologist to assess the situation and mostlikely be re-circumsized. All in All - it was a great appointment. The Dr's are so accomedating, patient and educational for new parents. He goes back for his 2 month appointment Aug 15th.

I am a lil worried but seem to be much calmer about all these new things than when I was pregnant. If I was told this stuff big pre-delivery, I would have had to have a cry over it. But the Dr is just so good at re-assuring us things happen, and there are ways to improve the situation.

Thank you for the support on my last post. I am of the mindset that it does not have to be all or nothing - and I do know that not everything works for everyone. That is a hard lesson I learned dealing with IF. There is still no one equation that works for all - there are alot of choices and situations out there and it takes all kinds to make the world go round.

Pump it up w/ A Tangent

My experience w/ Pu.mping -



I started using the hospital grade pump in the hospital the day that MT was born. It took about 3-4 days before I realized that there was actual milk being pumped. We (a lactation consult and I) tried a few times to get MT to latch on, he was highly irritated and unhappy about the process. He also had a very hard time figuring out how to eat/suck. I could not handle the cry of a hungry and frustrated baby - we supplemented with formula. At first I put the col.ost.rum/pumped milk in with the formula at the hospital. Then when the supply increased, we alternated 1 - breast milk bottle at a feeding then the next feeding would be formula... we did this for week 2. Week 3 we went back to mixing the formula and breast milk in one bottle so he would get breast milk and formula in the same feeding. I noticed this was easier on his stomach and bm's. I am still going his now. It seems to work best for us and I plan on doing this for as long as I possibly can.



In honesty, I was not comfortable with breastfeeding for me. It did not feel natural and made me highly uncomfortable (mentally) - The nurses and LC's had rave reviews over my ni.pples. Apparently, they are "perfect and accommodating for a great latch" MT thought otherwise. So I was fine with pumping. Plus I knew that E and others would want a chance to feed him.. and I knew that I would want others to be able to feed him.



The first week went well, I was pumping every 1-1.5 hours. This is something that w/o E being home and helping I absolutely know I could not have done. Sometimes my pumping coincided with MT's feeding time, schedule and would have been hard to accomplish if I didn't have E to help take care of MT.



Week 2, I began pumping every 2-4 hours. (the 4 hours is because I was having to go over to my parents to help my dad deal with my mother and because my parents wanted to see the baby - so I tried to make it ever 2 hours but sometimes it would be 2.5 other times it would be 4))



Week 3- I thought my supply was low but didn't realize that MT had upped his intake by 1.5 oz each feeding in a 2 day span. I was trying to go longer than 2 hours in between pumps. Since I am not traditionally bf-ing my body did not compensate for the more milk production, I had to tell it we needed more milk by pumping more often to get it regulated. Once I realized what happened, we got it under control quickly.



Week 4 - is starting now .. most days the pumping goes well. It is something that I chose to do, it is very demanding and time consuming. It helps me stay on a pretty tight schedule in order to maintain the oz's that MT requires.



Overall experience: Simple Economics equation Supply = Demand. The more times you pump, the more breast milk you should have. (I say should because some women, no matter what they do just can not produce and I do not want to seem misleading or insensitive) They say the amount of water you intake helps also. I could not imagine attempting this w/o an extra person to help out in the beginning when I was pumping every hourish. Some days, it just works well for me, Other days it is a struggle.



As I want to venture out more and having E going back to work, It tends to be cumbersome. These are the choices and conversations I have with myself: Do you take the pump with you, schedule to be home in time to pump, wait til right after you pump to leave, choose to skip the next pump and lose that session and deal, Feed MT get him settled then pump, try to entertain MT while pumping, etc

Today E went back to work at 6 am- His car would not start so he had to take mine. Bad thing is that we had not installed a car seat base in his car therefore If I needed to go somewhere today, I would need to find someone to help me get his battery charged and install a car seat base. But such is life - this was all before the sun was up ... Then my mom was standing at my door at 9am to see the baby. My dad sent her over because he needed a break (she is still not well and we are having to accommodate her until we can get her leveled back out - she is at a dr's appointment as we speak in hopes of finding out more of what to do and what can be done etc.. they are leaning to think she is suffering from b.i-po.lar di.sord.er. We are slowing finding out more and more and trying to understand more and get her to the right kind of help. This all started because, during menopause, she was suffering from insane hot flashes - a dr prescribed p.axi.l for hot flashes (never heard of such but ok) she was taking the pa.xi.l for a month or more (she can't remember and my dad never knew she was taking it), still having hot flashes, got pissed off and decided to stop the p.axi.l cold turkey. Not knowing that it was going to jack her ALL UP... and here we are yrs later and She is just so frustrated .. and I(and she) have seen just about every Dr in a 40 mile radius - I was at a loss before the baby was born - so now I am just plain ole exhausted by it ...Ok tangent .. this was about my pumping schedule - gah ... SO back to the point - My dad came over around lunch time - got E's car running, installed the car seat base and told me to drive it around for 20/30 mins. So my mother, MT, and I drove around. Came home MT was sleeping, we put together the bouncy seat, my mom decided she wanted to go back to her house, I went to pump, my cellphone/house phone started ringing a few times, there was a knock on the door ( the u.ps. man), MT decided to wake up screaming with a dirty diaper (also tired of being in his car seat) and it was feeding time ... and no E to help. So my pumping session got cut very short - but the next session went much better - MT was sleeping and the universe regained balance.



Like anything, it has it's challenges. It's been very overwhelming but it also has had moments of being relaxing and therapeutic. I just keep reminding myself that this was a choice I made, and I can decide differently at any time I want to. I try to put no extra pressure projected upon myself - but at times I feel I do.



I will admit that a few times a day I have tried to get MT to latch on to breast feed and we have managed to get a great latch every now and then. (it was suggested by my OB and Lact. Consult in order to up my supply - and it really does encourage an upped supply) I do see how if you have a child that is a champ latcher/sucker and a decent milk supply-Bfing is major convenient but time consuming (feedings every 1-1.5 hours in the beginning) and I do applaud all the bf-ing moms out there - Just because it is convenient does not mean it is easy. It is time consuming and a sacrifice also.

Bottle feeding also has it's challenges: Making sure there are clean bottles to use, what are you putting in the bottles? Is your baby cooperative? Keeping them warm/cold while out and about ... Everyone has a different comfort level and I believe That being comfortable and confident in your decisions is the best thing for the child - regardless of what it is you are comfortable and confident about. I am working on my comfort/confidence. It is good for me to write out and be asked questions, It gives me more reason to think through what I am doing, It gives me a chance to gain confidence because I am scared to death of posting what I am, am not doing in fear of others accusing me of wrong doings. But the more I post about it- the more confident I feel about our decisions we have made thus far and That helps me so much. Tomorrow MT has his one month appointment - I can not believe that he has been here for 1 month already!

More Adjustments

• We are still supplementing feeds with this formula suggested by our pediatrician. 2 days ago we ran out of the ready to eat form and decided to try the powder form. So far so good, except I have decided that it would be best to pre-mix before putting it in his bottles. Since I am using these bottles, trying to find a b*P*A free container to mix the powder formula in has been difficult and involved some creative thinking. I emailed that company in hopes for future customers to not have a hard time finding a b*p*a free formula mixing pitcher. My creativity has not paid off yet but I remembered this product, and tomorrow, I am going to the sporting goods store to purchase one. (this is not product endorsement, I just want to help those that may be in a similar dilemma
• MT had his first boat ride to see fireworks on the 4th. He was so good while we were on the boat. I just put him in my sling and he just hung out. (
  
  click on view all images)
• E is going back to work tomorrow! I am feeling pretty sad about that. He calms me, reassures me and helps out so much. We will figure it out on our own. I will build my confidence level. I will learn to go with my instincts.
• I ran out of size o diapers so I thought I would use the size 1's. They look so huge on him even though we used a size 1 diaper from the hospital. I love the diapers we used in the hospital. They have a yellow indicator line that turns blue when the baby has peed. In the beginning, when it is hard to tell, I loved that feature. I asked the nurse what kind they were and she told me she believed that they were only sold to hospitals.. I finally found the diapers the hospital used.
• We have discovered that MT has super sensitive skin and developed an aversion to his wipes and a chaffed bottom. We have been using wet tp and this diaper cream suggested by my pediatrician. I LOVE it. It has helped clear it up pretty well. It is expensive and I am going to ask on Wednesday about others to use on a day to day basis, or if we even need to do it on a day to day basis.
• His blocked tear duct seems to be doing much better, but now I am worried that his belly button is infected and not healing right.
• We had the best bf'ing latch tonight - YEAH!! He even wanted to bf. He still only wants to suck on one side. (it was the side he usually hates) I switched sides and he cried and cried. BUT he did latch and it was nice!
• Ever since delivery, I have had an involuntary twitch in my left leg. It just does a quick spasm or involuntary twitch once in a while. I am going to ask the dr's about this
• I have found a weird line of lumps where I was alternating sides of injecting the lo.veno.x. E thinks I have an internal bruise, I have stoped using these sides and have gone to different areas until I can get a Dr to look at it.

I am so sure there are other things - I just simply can't remember. I swear I am not product endorsing. I know everyone has different stuff that works for them and their children - this is just what is working for us for now.

Thank you so much for the encouraging emails and comments and prayers/thoughts for my mother. We will get through it, we have gotten through it before - It just takes time and medication until we can get a dr to help us and vice versa.

Adjustments

Well it's Been 27 days (almost 1 month) since MT's arrival. I am listing out things I have learned, still learning, haven't mastered, and fear thus far.

• He has been out in public and I am starting to feel comfortable taking him places.
• I have packed him up and left the house by myself a total of 2 times. (I guess I do rely on E too much)
• I still have not figured out the best approach in leaving the house to run errands is. I am bottle feeding, I have ice packs to keep my milk cold and such We have a somewhat routine down. MT wakes up, change diaper, feed, play or talk to him or swing or floor gym time, sleep ... this cycle repeats itself about every 2.5-4 hours during the day. The rhetorical question is - When will I feel comfortable to feed him and change him in public. Right now we will change his diaper, feed him, make sure I have pumped, then head out, do our thing and rush back before the cycle has to start all over again.
• He has not had any crying fits longer than 10 minutes if that. He is genuinely a very happy and content baby.
• E and I have only had 2 yelling matches. They both were hormonal induced. I was at fault and quickly apologized. I had expectations that had not been verbalized and E is no mind reader. He told me that he expected more abuse from me - maybe I should do more ;)
• I meant to add moisturizing antibacterial soap to the most have list. It seems all I do is wash my hands these days.

It's all a work in progress - so much more to write but now i have to go wash laundry and make dinner .. back when I get more time. Of Course, Ill leave a picture (he is still wearing newborn outfits - but i swear he is changing and growing. I put him in 0-3 months, he drowns

(o-3 months)

God Bless America - Wishing all the American Readers a Happy and Safe 4th!

Today

Today's post is going to be a weird post .. I am in a really funny/weird place right now:

Here is what i started writing a few days ago before thins went alil off:
"Um ... I can't really even facilitate a coherent sentence.
MT is here - he is the dreamiest. He makes me heart melt and heal. We are trucking along learning this new journey together and unless it's feeding time and you don't get the bottle in his mouth fast enough- we are all pretty mellow and patient. Not working is fantastic, I cannot even describe this carefree, joyous feelings that runs through my mind/body. I have felt the best I have in years and years and years. Other people notice, I just feel ................... Calm. I'm down to a weight now that I probably haven't been in 7 yrs. I am pulling out old clothes I wore in college. I really do hope that I am able to keep some of this weight under control. I want to start walking again or some kind of exercise soon. "

Here is where my mind is today:
Blood Lines posted - "Why is it that our families, who we love so deeply -- are also the ones who make us the most crazy?"

I have written minor details about my mom in the past. A few years ago, she had some type of mind altering experience. I am not even sure what to call it. We have sent her to numerous dr's of all trades. I thought it was a mental breakdown at first. (more in this is a minute)

My mother was the prime June Cleaver. She was labeled ad the Kool-Aid mom when we were all kids growing up. She cooked, cleaned, played with us, drove us everywhere .. all while teaching. She did it all and was happy to do it. Life went on, we got older, went to college, called her about boy/school problems, etc. Our relationship grew up also. My mother is a very private person, always has been. She doesn't talk about herself much, doesn't require much, just is very content in the simple things in life - (which does include an expensive purse every now and then with a great pedicure)

A few yrs ago, One day (jan.16th to be exact)She called my cellphone and was Not the woman that I just described in the above paragraph. She was spouting words she does not use, accusing so many people of so many wrongful things and just plain ol distraught on many levels and was refusing to go home. I left work and told my supervisor that I had to go tend to some family emergency. I had no idea that I would not return to work for almost 2 months after I left that day. I called my father (who is still married to my mother for 36 yrs come august) and asked him if he had talked to my mother that day. He let me in on some stuff that had gone on over Christmas break - they go to NC, I hadn't seen her - So i was unaware. What he described was horrifying. I was in shock. I asked him some of the things she was accusing him off - things you should NEVER have to ask your parents about - things I didn't think my father was capable of doing but I HAD to ask. I am no fool to think that just because someone doesn't look capable of doing crimes and other related activities doesn't mean they aren't capable of doing them. I work in law enforcement and Know - things happen! After hearing my father's explanation and going to see my mother - I thought she just snapped and could not take life anymore. She was disoriented, confused, rambling, irritated, frazzled, the outer shell of my mother but not the inside we knew and loved. It was bizarre. .. long story short ..loads of dr's appointments, test, treatments later - They prescribed her pills to help. It took a few tries to find a combination that worked but they managed to find a balance. They were never able to diagnose her with anything in particular and it frustrated my family beyond measures to not know what the cause was/is. ~2 yrs later - here we are again still w/o a diagnosis really. She had been doing well, Her dr, my father and her decided to try and ween her off some of the drugs, because in her defense - the drugs make her feel doped up and lifeless she says. I can see that, I agree with her statements. Well, the timing of coming off the drugs was the exact timing of MT's birth. It's been 3 week, she has been coming off meds... When She is not doing well .. she is not back at square 1 but pretty close. It's been a rough week for her and my dad. It's hard to witness and deal with. I haven't even processed all of it ... and I find it hard to talk about - It's just Hard ... that's all i can sum up into words.. I want to figure out how to help - but If it is a mental issue, I can't "Figure it out" ... I just have to learn to deal and so does my family.

If you could think of my mom, say a prayer or whatever you do - please - our family could use it - My father is going a wonderful job trying to get her some help and I am sure the med's will work in due time. I can't even finish this post .. I have no words or where to even go from here .. It's going to be left unfinished.

Here is another post that spoke to me today from Mel - Something I didn't realize until after my delivery - here is the comment I let her " ... I "waited" for the feeling "more pregnant" and only felt that When my water really broke at the dr's office. It was at THAT moment that I knew for sure I was going to have a baby. I know it may sound LAME LAME LAME - but it is VERY true."

I never realized that I had not shared that on my blog until today ...

So there is my mind ... Yes all over the place and still rejoicefully calm .. It's bizarre

Due

Today

Anyone know what today is ... Yes July 1 - My Due Date!! And Baby A (aka Monkey Toes' (or MT) - yes he know has a nickname) is 3 weeks old today.
(3 weeks ago)

The changes that have happened are amazing.

• He went from not sucking and having trouble eating to 3oz. He has gotten much fuller in the body. (do you know I haven't taken a picture of him w/o a outfit/blanket on, I am going to do that today) I cannot wait to weigh him. I may take him to a grocery store scale today and see if I stand on it and then stand on it with him, If i can see about how much he weighs now.
• His belly button fell off yesterday (took 20 days). He can now have his first real bath instead of the lil bird baths he was getting.
• He is sleeping great
• I have only called the pediatricians office 2 times.
• He does have an irritated lil booty. The dr's office told me to stop using wipes and switch to either toilet paper/wet paper clothes and wet wash clothes to wipe then apply something with zinc oxide on his lil red bum. It looks like after a day of this, it is getting better. If not I will be calling again before Friday. He does have his one month appointment the 9th
• He loves to suck on his tongue and fingers
• His hair is turning a shade of red, he has the most beautiful long red eyelashes.
• He was laying on his floor gym the other night and grabbed at the toys overhead to pull on them - I wish I had the video camera. That was so cool to see.

*I am oh so forgetful, there are so many more changes my lil brain sits down to blog and it goes blank. If there is anything else, I will be back to update or post another*

As for my pumping - it took a nose dive in supply about 3 days ago. I am now still pumping every 2 hours, using a hospital grade rented pump (this one) MT has latched on to breastfeed about 5 times now. He still is having a hard time understanding that he can get milk out of them - he latches on for about 2-5 mins then I have to get his re-latched (?) while he is alil fussy and seems to get alil frustrated. My OB gave me some pill to try also. This morning I had my best pump session in 4 days - So I am hoping the efforts are starting to work.

The OB appointment was very standard and routine. (except for discussing breast milk supply and her encouraging me to see a lactation consultant). I will be seeing her again in 4 weeks and I still hope all is going smoothly still.

(I am hoping to get a good picture of Me and baby today to post. I have to wait until E wakes up)