Today's post is going to be a weird post .. I am in a really funny/weird place right now:
Here is what i started writing a few days ago before thins went alil off:
"Um ... I can't really even facilitate a coherent sentence.
MT is here - he is the dreamiest. He makes me heart melt and heal. We are trucking along learning this new journey together and unless it's feeding time and you don't get the bottle in his mouth fast enough- we are all pretty mellow and patient. Not working is fantastic, I cannot even describe this carefree, joyous feelings that runs through my mind/body. I have felt the best I have in years and years and years. Other people notice, I just feel ................... Calm. I'm down to a weight now that I probably haven't been in 7 yrs. I am pulling out old clothes I wore in college. I really do hope that I am able to keep some of this weight under control. I want to start walking again or some kind of exercise soon. "
Here is where my mind is today:
Blood Lines posted - "Why is it that our families, who we love so deeply -- are also the ones who make us the most crazy?"
I have written minor details about my mom in the past. A few years ago, she had some type of mind altering experience. I am not even sure what to call it. We have sent her to numerous dr's of all trades. I thought it was a mental breakdown at first. (more in this is a minute)
My mother was the prime June Cleaver. She was labeled ad the Kool-Aid mom when we were all kids growing up. She cooked, cleaned, played with us, drove us everywhere .. all while teaching. She did it all and was happy to do it. Life went on, we got older, went to college, called her about boy/school problems, etc. Our relationship grew up also. My mother is a very private person, always has been. She doesn't talk about herself much, doesn't require much, just is very content in the simple things in life - (which does include an expensive purse every now and then with a great pedicure)
A few yrs ago, One day (jan.16th to be exact)She called my cellphone and was Not the woman that I just described in the above paragraph. She was spouting words she does not use, accusing so many people of so many wrongful things and just plain ol distraught on many levels and was refusing to go home. I left work and told my supervisor that I had to go tend to some family emergency. I had no idea that I would not return to work for almost 2 months after I left that day. I called my father (who is still married to my mother for 36 yrs come august) and asked him if he had talked to my mother that day. He let me in on some stuff that had gone on over Christmas break - they go to NC, I hadn't seen her - So i was unaware. What he described was horrifying. I was in shock. I asked him some of the things she was accusing him off - things you should NEVER have to ask your parents about - things I didn't think my father was capable of doing but I HAD to ask. I am no fool to think that just because someone doesn't look capable of doing crimes and other related activities doesn't mean they aren't capable of doing them. I work in law enforcement and Know - things happen! After hearing my father's explanation and going to see my mother - I thought she just snapped and could not take life anymore. She was disoriented, confused, rambling, irritated, frazzled, the outer shell of my mother but not the inside we knew and loved. It was bizarre. .. long story short ..loads of dr's appointments, test, treatments later - They prescribed her pills to help. It took a few tries to find a combination that worked but they managed to find a balance. They were never able to diagnose her with anything in particular and it frustrated my family beyond measures to not know what the cause was/is. ~2 yrs later - here we are again still w/o a diagnosis really. She had been doing well, Her dr, my father and her decided to try and ween her off some of the drugs, because in her defense - the drugs make her feel doped up and lifeless she says. I can see that, I agree with her statements. Well, the timing of coming off the drugs was the exact timing of MT's birth. It's been 3 week, she has been coming off meds... When She is not doing well .. she is not back at square 1 but pretty close. It's been a rough week for her and my dad. It's hard to witness and deal with. I haven't even processed all of it ... and I find it hard to talk about - It's just Hard ... that's all i can sum up into words.. I want to figure out how to help - but If it is a mental issue, I can't "Figure it out" ... I just have to learn to deal and so does my family.
If you could think of my mom, say a prayer or whatever you do - please - our family could use it - My father is going a wonderful job trying to get her some help and I am sure the med's will work in due time. I can't even finish this post .. I have no words or where to even go from here .. It's going to be left unfinished.
Here is another post that spoke to me today from Mel - Something I didn't realize until after my delivery - here is the comment I let her " ... I "waited" for the feeling "more pregnant" and only felt that When my water really broke at the dr's office. It was at THAT moment that I knew for sure I was going to have a baby. I know it may sound LAME LAME LAME - but it is VERY true."
I never realized that I had not shared that on my blog until today ...
So there is my mind ... Yes all over the place and still rejoicefully calm .. It's bizarre