Thursday, July 3, 2008

Today

Today's post is going to be a weird post .. I am in a really funny/weird place right now:

Here is what i started writing a few days ago before thins went alil off:
"Um ... I can't really even facilitate a coherent sentence.
MT is here - he is the dreamiest. He makes me heart melt and heal. We are trucking along learning this new journey together and unless it's feeding time and you don't get the bottle in his mouth fast enough- we are all pretty mellow and patient. Not working is fantastic, I cannot even describe this carefree, joyous feelings that runs through my mind/body. I have felt the best I have in years and years and years. Other people notice, I just feel ................... Calm. I'm down to a weight now that I probably haven't been in 7 yrs. I am pulling out old clothes I wore in college. I really do hope that I am able to keep some of this weight under control. I want to start walking again or some kind of exercise soon. "


Here is where my mind is today:
Blood Lines posted - "Why is it that our families, who we love so deeply -- are also the ones who make us the most crazy?"

I have written minor details about my mom in the past. A few years ago, she had some type of mind altering experience. I am not even sure what to call it. We have sent her to numerous dr's of all trades. I thought it was a mental breakdown at first. (more in this is a minute)

My mother was the prime June Cleaver. She was labeled ad the Kool-Aid mom when we were all kids growing up. She cooked, cleaned, played with us, drove us everywhere .. all while teaching. She did it all and was happy to do it. Life went on, we got older, went to college, called her about boy/school problems, etc. Our relationship grew up also. My mother is a very private person, always has been. She doesn't talk about herself much, doesn't require much, just is very content in the simple things in life - (which does include an expensive purse every now and then with a great pedicure)

A few yrs ago, One day (jan.16th to be exact)She called my cellphone and was Not the woman that I just described in the above paragraph. She was spouting words she does not use, accusing so many people of so many wrongful things and just plain ol distraught on many levels and was refusing to go home. I left work and told my supervisor that I had to go tend to some family emergency. I had no idea that I would not return to work for almost 2 months after I left that day. I called my father (who is still married to my mother for 36 yrs come august) and asked him if he had talked to my mother that day. He let me in on some stuff that had gone on over Christmas break - they go to NC, I hadn't seen her - So i was unaware. What he described was horrifying. I was in shock. I asked him some of the things she was accusing him off - things you should NEVER have to ask your parents about - things I didn't think my father was capable of doing but I HAD to ask. I am no fool to think that just because someone doesn't look capable of doing crimes and other related activities doesn't mean they aren't capable of doing them. I work in law enforcement and Know - things happen! After hearing my father's explanation and going to see my mother - I thought she just snapped and could not take life anymore. She was disoriented, confused, rambling, irritated, frazzled, the outer shell of my mother but not the inside we knew and loved. It was bizarre. .. long story short ..loads of dr's appointments, test, treatments later - They prescribed her pills to help. It took a few tries to find a combination that worked but they managed to find a balance. They were never able to diagnose her with anything in particular and it frustrated my family beyond measures to not know what the cause was/is. ~2 yrs later - here we are again still w/o a diagnosis really. She had been doing well, Her dr, my father and her decided to try and ween her off some of the drugs, because in her defense - the drugs make her feel doped up and lifeless she says. I can see that, I agree with her statements. Well, the timing of coming off the drugs was the exact timing of MT's birth. It's been 3 week, she has been coming off meds... When She is not doing well .. she is not back at square 1 but pretty close. It's been a rough week for her and my dad. It's hard to witness and deal with. I haven't even processed all of it ... and I find it hard to talk about - It's just Hard ... that's all i can sum up into words.. I want to figure out how to help - but If it is a mental issue, I can't "Figure it out" ... I just have to learn to deal and so does my family.

If you could think of my mom, say a prayer or whatever you do - please - our family could use it - My father is going a wonderful job trying to get her some help and I am sure the med's will work in due time. I can't even finish this post .. I have no words or where to even go from here .. It's going to be left unfinished.

Here is another post that spoke to me today from Mel - Something I didn't realize until after my delivery - here is the comment I let her " ... I "waited" for the feeling "more pregnant" and only felt that When my water really broke at the dr's office. It was at THAT moment that I knew for sure I was going to have a baby. I know it may sound LAME LAME LAME - but it is VERY true."

I never realized that I had not shared that on my blog until today ...

So there is my mind ... Yes all over the place and still rejoicefully calm .. It's bizarre

23 comments:

alison said...

I will pray for your mom. You have so much going on right now, I can't even imagine.

My (maternal) grandpa did a similar thing a few years ago, though not to the extent of your mom, from what it sounds like. My grandma passed away in 1985, suddenly, from colon cancer, when I was 2. My grandpa was stoic, but eventually went on anti-depressants to help him cope. He remarried 2 times after my grandma, each one ending shortly after in divorce. This added to the depression, and he went on more medication. Finally he met the most wonderful lady who would eventually become his current wife. In the fall of '06, the medications were making him, well weird is the only way to descibe it. He was 69 at the time, but was talking like he was 99. He loved to play cards, but he would start shuffling the deck, and forget what he was doing. He couldn't do crosswords anymore, a favorite hobby. And P, his wife, was baffled and hurt by his actions. Finally, finally, my mom, aunt, and P got him to a new psychiatrist and they took him off all of his meds and decided to start over. It was a huge shock to his system coming off of them, and then going back on a lower dosage. My point in telling you this rambling story, is that they eventually were able to get him just the right combination of meds to make him the most "normal" he's been in 15 years. He's younger than his 70 years now, and spry, and fun! There is hope, my dear, and your family will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers. Give the A-man some squeezes from Aunt Alison. ;) *hugs*!

waitinginline said...

You're always in my prayers and I'll make sure and add the rest of your family. I know you've been through so much with your Mom already, and can't even begin to imagine how hard this has been. To see the woman that raised you, Mrs. June Cleaver, change so drastically and so suddenly. My heart goes out to you.

As far as where you are...I am still so unbelievably happy for you!

Morrisa said...

Your Mom is in my prayers. What a horrible thing to have to deal with so close after such a joyous occasion. ((hugs))

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Hey, sweetie, I am so sorry about your mum. And of course I'll think good thoughts for her. What a scary experience to go into such a deep change.

My Reality said...

I hope things will ease up with your mom. It is hard to deal with someone you care about and watch them go through this knowing that there isn't an easy fix.

Marcy "meg" said...

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Sounds like your Dad is doing a real good job of trying to keep it all together. You and your family are for sure in my prayers... I know this isn't easy.

PS - Thanks for the compliment on my blog! :)

Martha said...

Sending a prayer to your mom and dad. Thank you for sharing your photos, you and your son are absolutely radiant.

Sugar&Ice said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I have said a prayer for her and hope it works quickly!

My dad had a nervous breakdown about two and a half years ago, while I was pregnant with Lila. It was such a turning point in his life, which in turn made it sort of a turning point in all of his family's lives as well. It has gotten better though, and I hope that whatever is causing your mom to have these odd symptoms is figured out really soon.

A New Beginning said...

We will certainly be thinking of all of you.

Congrats on your weight loss as well.

Photogrl said...

This has to be so hard...I hope they get the medication working again soon. {{HUGS}} to you!

bethkyle said...

i will say prayers for your mother...and to your continued calm

Jennifer ~ www.chateaukaufman.com said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. I will keep her and your family in my prayers!

Amanda said...

This is so sad. I hope that things get better for your mom and that she is able to truly enjoy all these new experiences along with you.

BellaMama said...

This is a classic B-Vitamin deficiency. I've heard many, many women who were normal and then suddenly "bipolar" were cured/healed by having B-12 shots and then just in general eating better, getting lots of sun and exercise as well as supplimenting with the other B vitamins (B3-Niacin, B-6, Biotin, Choline Inisotol (I think I spelled it wrong). Anyway...I hope you are able to have help from someone that knows these things (nutritionist, natural medicine, etc.) I think that if you really want your mom back that you'll do this for her. Since the doctors haven't found anything wrong with her then it's probably not a lack of drugs that she is suffering from. I'm sorry...I'm just really passionate about this. I've lost a loved one that went through alot unnecessarily when all they had to do was this. I will be praying for you and you family and I know that God answers prayers!! Another relative of mine recently had cancer...expected to live only a few months more...God heal him...one day it was there, the next GONE!! The docs are amazed, but I KNOW that God answered our prayers!!
Many blessings to you and yours!!
Mrs.C.
*Your baby is sooooo cute, Congrats!

Geohde said...

I'm sorry about the situation with your mother, it sounds really difficult.

Hoping things get better soon,

J

Joanna said...

Horomones, my dear. Horomones. They do so pretty freaky things to you.

I am sorry about your mom. I can imagine that is very difficult to deal with. The fact that there is no diagnosis is even more difficult. I will say a prayer for her and your family.

Katie said...

Praying for your whole family - and glad that you at least have some feelings of peace despite the turmoil!

My_Herstory said...

I wish the very best for your mother. I can relate to the worry and not knowing when it comes to parents with those types of changes, really I can. She's in my heart.

I'm glad to know that you are calm and happy to be in the place you're in. You should definatley take the time to recognize your own happiness, relesh in it, you deserve it after such a long road of fertility treatments. Your miracle is with you and you are enjoying every minute, that's good.

I can believe the reality of being pregnant didn't hit until your water broke hehe. Cause for me, I get little tastes of that reality, but then life goes back to 'normal'and it doesn't really clue in lol. I'm pretty sure it'll be unreal for a little while even after the baby is here... finally when I realize the baby is actually mine and I'm not babysitting is when it'll hit me lol. (at least that's what I think now hehe)
Congrats on your weightloss as well!

gracechild said...

I'll remember your family in my prayers. My MIL has been through a similar thing so I know how hard it is to wonder what happened to the person you knew. God will give you all the strength of His grace to manage the situation wisely. Amen

sara said...

Oh Farah, I will definitely be saying some prayers for you mom - but the rest of your family as well to help get through this difficult time as well as the days ahead. My uncle had a very similar thing happen and my dad still is helping him through things today. It is not an easy thing to watch happen to loved ones, and the fact that this coincided with your son's birth must be so much more difficult that I can't even imagine. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers sweetie...

Caro said...

Thinking of you and your family.

Jen said...

That is a hard thing to deal with. Particularly with the timing this time. You will all be in my thoughts.

Adriane said...

I was so sad to read this about your Mom. I will be praying for her and your family for sure. I can't imagine how difficult it is to go through, especially considering the person you described her once to be. I hope you are doing well.