Saturday, July 12, 2008

Working the Planner out of Me

Welp E has been back to work for a week and we are all still alive albeit in survival model. I went from having lots of help to - having to help lots .... E works 12 hour shifts - This means that for a span of 3 days - It's all me. 24 hours a day .... just me, E has to get some sleep to function on the job. I am sure that this will get easier, I was used to having a few extra hands for a month -- It's only been a week - we have learned to adjust. It will only get better

I went to a funeral for a close friend's father on Thurs., WOW add that to a list of things Not to do after having a baby so soon. The tears started flowing and flowing and before I know it, I could not. Thursday/early Friday morning was rough, It seemed like my mind was overwhelmed with trying to process too many things that I didn't have time to process while suffering from sleep deprivation. I had a long talk with myself in the shower Friday morning -I am having a hard time with this weird no rhythm or reason phase.
I am still pretty much doing on demand feedings. Sometimes he will go 6 hours -if he was sleeping (allowed by our pediatrician)- sometimes he will only make it 2.75 hours. He is trying to be more awake and alert during the day, I notice that I have to feed him sooner.

I find that parenting books/site frustrate me. They cause me anxiety. E keeps having to remind me that MT is ONLY 4 weeks old. I want a practical book/info site that gives realistic expectations/timelines. I was trying to push a schedule on a 4 week old... I was forgetting that he is doing AMAZING. He only cries when hungry or needs changing. He is really happy. It's ok if he doesn't eat at the exact same time every day. Uhm, can you tell I'm a structured planner?!?! This not being able to plan/predict part is the hardest for me.

Help - I have developed leaving the house anxiety! Because I cannot predict/plan. My parents are trying to help me figure out how to adjust - and I appreciate their efforts. I give them a time that I plan on leaving the house to go to theirs - so far every attempt has resulted in not going as planned. It seems that I say i want to leave at 12 because MT is do to eat at 1 -1:30 ... MT will want to eat at 12. or need a diaper change THEN want to eat .. I am told the older MT gets, the easier this all becomes. I am unsure - I think it may get easier because I get more trained ;) I say all of this with a smile on my face- having the time of my life. It is definitely a work in progress and although some days are more guesswork than others - we are all alive, fed, changed, showered, and dressed every day. It really is a weird, overwhelming, chaotic, exciting, amazing and chaotic time and I am still enjoying every minute of it.

13 comments:

Cibele said...

My dear friend. After my mom left and dh went back to work and it was the 2 of us, I felt the same way. I will tell one thing, give it some time , just a few days and you will feel much much better. The anxiety will get better and you will trust more your instincts. I gave up on the parenting books for a while. I came to a realization that my baby does not have to be "text book perfect". She has her own pace, her own personality. You are wonderful mother. You will be much more comfortable soon, your baby will give you clues and reassurance that you are doing a great job. Enjoy this time just the 2 of you., take this time to transition into some kind of routine, try different things, just live in the moment. Trust me, you are doing a great job! Hugs

Jen said...

I'm sure you'll have him on a schedule in no time. I mean, it took me a couple of months to get my daycare class on a schedule properly and they were almost three years old. :)

Elizabeth said...

I feel exactly the same way about venturing out, although it is getting easier (we're at 8 weeks now) - but the unpredictability of everything does cause a lot of anxiety!

Adriane said...

I hope you are doing well with E back at work. I would be panicky for sure, but it sounds like you've got it all under control. I would also be anxious about leaving the house. Especially since you are a planner, I bet it is tough!! He will soon be on a schedule and it will be easier.

Just saw pics from previous posts. He is getting more gorgeous by the day!!!! Hope you are well.

sara said...

Farah you are doing such a great job. This must be a huge adjustment time, and I know that I will be feeling the same way in a few months. You only worry like this because you are such a great mom, and are doing such a good job for your little one. hugs...and thanks for the birthday good wishes!

Kathy V said...

I am sorry to hear about your anxiety and stress but I am glad that A is doing well. I have been told it is an adjustment period for all involved. So you are doing well with it.

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

Hang in there Farah! You are everyone's hero - especially mine!!

Jill, Mommy of Tanner & soon to be Josie said...

In the words of Scott, my hubby, "THROW THOSE BOOKS OUT!" I would FREAK OUT every month when Tanner wasn't doing EXACTLY what the books said, and you know what? He is a happy, healthy, smart 3½ year old despite always being a month behind. :o)

You are doing great, trust your instincts. :o)

Jen said...

Fara, I know the anxiety and unknown's you are experiencing. I am right there with you. The one thing I can tell you from having some previous experience is that it doesn't last forever and it does get easier. That being said, you are going to miss these days, believe it or not. I am feeling like I'm kinda getting a handle of things, some days. Other days are totally not according to plan. I'm also just doing what I can and (trying) to not feel guilty. The guilt continues forever, no matter how old the children get, I'm sure even in 20 years I'll feel guilty about something. We all know that venting is just that, we love, love, love our families, but sometimes it's just hard.

Marcy "meg" said...

I am a planner too and I am sure I will run into very similar things! I know you are doing a wonderful job and that MT will be on more of a schedule as the weeks go by. Hang in there, you are doing wonderful!

seussgirl said...

Not related to this post, but girl, you amaze me! I find you on almost every blog I read! You're such an amazing, supportive blogger friend!
And to address your comment from another post, I know that our NICU at least takes clothing donations with glee! They were ecstatic to receive the preemie clothes we dropped off. So that was a kind, generous, idea! Spread it to anyone who has a baby, especially preemies!

Kate said...

I really think you are doing a great job. Luke didn't have a schedule until he was at least 3 months.

The Broken Man said...

It sounds like you are doing fantastically - I can say that because our post-infertility baby isn't due for another 4 months and I have absolutely no experience!

If we do half as well as you seem to have been doing we will be happy!

The Broken Man

http://theblogofabrokenman.blogspot.com/