Friday, April 18, 2008

More self absorption brought to you by the Letter P

warning - rant/vent session from a tired, frustrated, fearful, hormonal pregnant lady let down by her dr's office and body again:

P for pissed off -

I know that I am so self absorbed about my 3 hr gtt test- I hear myself saying things in my head like "OH My G-D get over yourself", "stop being such a whiny kid", "just take the damn test"

I keep repeating myself like a broken record : "I know this is ,by no means, the end of the world". I do also know that there are actual, real, terrible things going on right now. Things that are beyond comprehending. And I am sitting here wallowing in my own lil world, worrying about my self absorbed bruised lil arms. (insert eye roll) Yes, I am tired of myself!

I am just ultra pissed off- My Ob's office did work very hard to try and make the pic line happen. Right after I posted the blog about how I am so grateful they helped me out - I hit the publish button, called the number she gave me to schedule the appointment with. Found out I needed to call My OB coordinator back because there was a "miscommunication". Called my OB coordinator back, left a message for her to return my call ..... she never called me back- and at 2:45pm today I called her back - I debated not calling her back and just saying "a few four letter words here"- but against my better judgement or my concern for my baby, I called again - I am gluten for punishment. I received news that no one will(or wants to) do the pic line, So I just need to go get stuck by the lab 4 times on Tuesday morning. I mean what do they care- It's not their arm that hurts and bruises for weeks, nor are they the ones that have to stick me over and over.

The lesson here for me - One day I will learn not to fight the system. One day I will go with the flow. I just try to look out for me (and now my baby in utero) - but the world is not operated that way. We have set standard ways of doing everything- a one size fits most and if you aren't the "most"- suck it up. I should be used to not being that "most" in the one size fits most world ... You would think that I would have lowered my expectations by now ..Silly Me. I am just mad that I think PCOS is coming back to haunt me, even now. I thought I could stop thinking about insulin resistance for at last 9 months ... but Looks like that's a negative. I think the frustration comes from feelings of disappointment in my body resurfacing and having fear set in awfully too close to home again. I know that is is quite normal for many to fail the 1 hr and pass the 3 hour. I am afraid that My body is going to start failing me now- Now that we have come this far, and that is a scary place to let your mind go to.

Thank God it is Friday - I need the break. I was planning on working tomorrow to make up time for all my upcoming dr's/lab appointments Monday and Tuesday, but I think I just need a break.

I do apologize know for this ungrateful, fearful post .. It's just fear and it needs to get out of my head -- I am hoping that hitting post - Makes it less haunting and less controlling over me

19 comments:

Morrisa said...

I don't think your post is ungreatful at all. We all have fears and worries and you have every right to have your own. Plus, I know all too well what it is like to not be the "norm" as well as to have to deal with PCOS for the rest of my damn life and you know what, it sucks! So feel free to complain, I know I will.

Leah said...

It's not ungrateful at all. You will suffer consequences from the 4 sticks and if there is any way to avoid them, you should try. Which you did. Then got bitch-slapped by a reversal. I'm so sorry.

Luckily the sticking will all be done at the end of the day. The bruising and pain will eventually go away too. Just try to look at it as practice for the pain and sacrifice you'll make for Mini in the decades to come...

For what it's worth, I flunked the 1 hr test and passed the 3 hr test with Megan. It's pretty common, so I will pray that's how it turns out for you.

Baby Deux! said...

Six words: I am sooooooo there with you! :o)

Hang in there!

waitinginline said...

I am so sorry that you're having to go through this. It sucks that they can't make it work for you in a way that isn't so painful and frustrating.

(((hugs)))

lub said...

I love the video of the baby moving! I love that you can see it so clearly! I don't think you are ungrateful! You are just griping about your situation and you are more than entitled. Hard to believe we are at 30 weeks now. Not much longer at all!!! I hope you get some well-deserved rest this weekend for your tests and appointments next week. :)

My Reality said...

It sounds like they are going to have to stick you anyway. Some tips from a fellow hard to stick gal:

- warm compresses over the veins
- drink lots of fluids after the first draw, it will help your veins pop up more
- have them try a butterfly needle

I almost hate to say this, but sometimes it is easier for me if they just take blood out of the tops of my hands. It hurts more, but it is easier in the long run.

I hope that it goes as well as can be expected.

jayleigh said...

Farah dear. You don't have to apologize for being real.

**hugs** and blessings to you, sweet friend.

Lara said...

Hi Farah! I too have trouble having bloodwork done, but I have discovered a few tricks that I will share with you. Before your bloodtest, drink a lot of water it'll help the veins to swell a little and be easier to find the vein. Also, and this is the BEST trick I can offer, just before going in there, run your hands or arms (I have my bloodwork drawn from my hands they have an easier time getting a vein that way) anyhow, run your hands/arms under very warm water. For some reason this really helps when people try to draw my blood! The veins just pop out (and believe me they dont normally). Good luck on Tuesday!!!

Topcat said...

Sweetheart. Sending you SO much love from down here, beautiful Farah. You are allowed to feel and express anything you damn well need too .... I truly hope you feel better soon.

xoxoxoxxoxo

Meghan said...

Please don't apologize for saying what you feel...this is your place to get it all out.

I'm sorry you weren't able to avoid the blood draw and good luck with the 3 hour test, I'll be thinking of you

Hilary said...

Hang in there Mommy!! Not much longer and baby boy will be here:)

Marcy "meg" said...

I don't think your post is ungreatful either. You have a right to speak your mind and get your thoughts out! I am so sorry the dr's office isn't working with you like they said.

I hope you have a relaxing weekend.

WISHING...HOPING...and PRAYING said...

hey girl...it's okay and perfectly normal to feel the way you do. one piece of "assvice" that may make you feel better. i had a pic line put in for dehydration during my last pregnancy and it was no picnic. (no pun intended!) it was a minor surgery to have it inserted but there were risks. for one, the anesthesia. for two, they couldn't use the xray to determine where to insert it due to me being pregnant so they had to guess! and finally, it hurt badly. you will get through this!!!

Katie said...

I am so sorry that you are worried right now and have this stress. You have every right to be fearful, especially after all you've been through to get to this place.

I am hoping that Tuesday's test goes as well as it can - and that you pass with flying colors.

A New Beginning said...

You should post whatever you feel you need to get off your chest. We will be here for you no matter what. 99% of us will not judge you for anything you say or do, because it could be anyone of us in your shoes.

I hope hitting that post button made you feel better. Take a break, you deserve it!

Geohde said...

Sorry you're having a rough time.

I've never heard of anyone considering putting in a picc line for a few hours draw before- normally they go in for long term antibiotics (like months of) and such. Because they go to a central vein, there is a small amount of risk with them too, and they are also quite expensive (at least in this country). Perhaps that is why the reversal.

I hope your 3hr GTT isn't too upsetting for you,

J

sara said...

I am so sorry the pic line didn't work out, that seems so unfair!

JJ said...

Im sorry you having to deal with these fears in the first place-I dont have any assvice for you--I just wanted you to know that you are NOT ungrateful-just vent and let it out=) Thinking of you, Farah...

vamplita said...

It's not fun, that's for sure, but at least it'll be over very soon! It is better to know, so that you can take the best care of both yourself, and your little one! Be well, and try not to worry.