Thursday, March 29, 2007

It's that Time

Day 22 on Metformin, CD 31 (period........ are you kidding me ......seriously, .....where are you ??)

Here is the history of my last couple of cycles: (and 1/2 of the reason I'm extremely frustrated):
Sept was 25 days
Oct was 25 days
Nov was 25 days
Dec was 42 days
Jan was 32 days
Feb was 36 days
Consistant - the only thing consist ant about these numbers is that they are inconsistent :(

I had a laproscopy and the HSG done sept 12. They ruled out endometriosis, blocked tubes, and that I did have ovaries .. Just 2.75 of them. Yes i had .75 of another ovary that was stuck inside my Fallopian tube. At the time, of the lap/hsg,I remember the Dr saying "I swear that is an extra ovary but we are going to biopsy this just in case." Sure enough, came back and it was part of an ovary. I wish I could remember what side it was in, but I can't. WEIRD! Yes I know. Just add it to the rest of the other features I can come up with on why I'm a freak of nature. I am assuming that I had all kinds of "extra" hormones running through my body - no freakin wonder I haven't yet delivered a child.

My regular gyn made me wait until November to start my clomid treatments with monitoring to see if I ovulated. (which take a quick look at sept/oct - both cycles were 25, my cycles were always about 25-28 days the first month then every now and then, I'd get a 30-36 days cycle to get my hopes up)

I started out with a 50mg dosage days 3-9 - I did not ovulate - but started my period on time, she increased the dosage to 150mg days 3-9, I did not ovulate - and my period had to be medically induced with progesterone. Then she "gave up" on me and told me I needed more help than she could prescribe.

Then I found out that I have PCOS - and that won't help me get pregnant - It's more drugs to ingest on a daily basis .... and more statistics against the odds ....
What I'm feeling right now is the more I seek treatment and help getting pregnant, the more my cycles are getting messed up. (oooooooor...... my body is adjusting to losing .75 of an ovary that may have very well been producing hormones and now I am getting a true indication of what my periods were/are supposed to be like.)

Either way - it has not helped me get pregnant, and I am getting very frustrated. I know all the: "just relax", "it will happen", "next month", "not your time", "God knows what he is doing", "it's not the end of the world", "look on the bright side", "stay positive", etc and many other justifications and consoling words that are offered at times like these. And none of them comfort me or make me feel better. and I'm thinking they should ...

I'm not depressed or anything, I'm just human and rational and real. This week 2 additional people I know called or wrote to tell me that they are pregnant, One additional person made my other already pregnant friends tell me that she was pregnant, my closest friend is 18 weeks pregnant with her first (and her sister and I are planning her shower), my other closest friend is 28 weeks pregnant with her second - I am having to plan both showers for them - ( 2 showers each - 1 at work and 1 outside of work). I am not really complaining - it just is a bit overwhelming. I hate weeks like this ... the stress is on at work and then the stress heats up my "inability to ovulate". I WISH I KNOW HOW TO STOP THESE NEGATIVE FEELINGS. I wish that I could just believe that it will happen when it happens and it will be the greatest thing in my life thus far .... Why can't I believe that?? Why is that so intangible for my mind? I can believe alot of things.... but I have trouble with this one ... next week will come, I will go back to being happy for pregnant people and planning showers and laughing about how stupid I was to feel overwhelmed about this topic. ..... bring on next week


My_Herstory said...

Hey Lady! Dropping by, sending HuGs. Next week will get here fast... and the cycle will start again. Oh the things to look forward too! lol
Can I ask ya something? Do you believe you'll have a baby one day? Deep down inside, what does your 'inside voice' tell you?
My inside voice has always said that yes I will have a baby. When I'm feeling down or get lost in my thoughts I remind myself that there is a part of me deep inside that knows that one day I will be pregnant.
I know its not much, but thought I'de share what helps me.
I work at a call centre, and I tell ya... you can definately tell spring is here because I can count about 7 ppl I know pregnant at work alone. Always around me with their growing bellies, I get so jealous sometimes, but then I remember that voice and its helps, even just a little.

Hope next week goes good.

Baby Blues said...

Fellow PCOSer here. Just came across your blog. I know your frustrations. Hang in there.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I truly think it is impossible not to get angry sometimes - a blinding anger even. And I don't blame you one bit for getting really pissed off about what is going on with your body. My periods are becoming more irregular (have no idea why, the HSG and Lap are next on my agenda) and it is making me crazy. Let youself feel angry. Unfortunately, working through your feelings is the only way to make them pass.

Are you feeling any better today?