I left work feeling rejuvenated, accomplished, strong, nervous, excited, fulfilled, brave, scared. Just plain overwhelmed
I went to the grocery store, bought loads of fresh veggies/fruits and food for the week. Came home, made/ate dinner. Made a batch of baby food. Cleaned the kitchen. I mean deep cleaning. Scrubbed the floor. On.My.Hands.and.Knees. Toothbrush in hand. Vacuumed, Dusted, etc.
I'm thinking nervous energy, relief, anticipation, wanting everything organized, Straightened, Clean, calm, Controlled? I have had the need to clean for months now, but I lacked the want/ability. Today, the need/want/ability took hold. I haven't felt that in the longest time. I am not sure I remember ever working a full day and coming home to take on a task as I did tonight. Weird ...Good... Odd
What about you?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Honest Scrap
Artblog tagged me for this award. I am very flattered to have received it. thank you :)
The rules for this award:
Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
Show the winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” There’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
The rules for this award:
Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
Show the winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” There’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
List at least 10 honest things about yourself.
The list:
- My last day of work for a company that I have been at over ten yrs is tomorrow and I am as much excited as I am nervous.
- I think I allow myself to be too vulnerable and exposed. I think this gets used against me alot and creates some uncomfortability in my relationships
- I wish I could communicate better with friends, family, etc.
- Having a baby was about 75% of how/what I expected it would be. I didn't know that all these insecurities would flood my already hormonal system. It just seems so unfair
- We are in the process of re-arranging our entire house to make it possible for MT to sleep in his own room in his crib and us to sleep in our own room and still be near enough to calm my fears.*
- My husband makes references about there being #2, and no I am not talking about a pencil. These references are not welcomed yet.
- I absolutely can not wait for E and I to see each other again and spend some real quality time together.
- I wish there was a magic button I could Push to get my Mom back to her old Self.
- I absolutely enjoy taking photos. Of Any and everything.
- I want to move to another state. I took this test . The top 10 cities for me were in Louisiana, Arkansas, Virginia, and North Carolina. No city in Florida was even on there for me or E. The top 10 for my husband were in Wisconsin, Minnesota, Alaska, and The Dakotas. So, yah, we are very different in what we want out of a community.
If you are reading, You are Tagged. Leave me a comment and let me know you accept the challenge. Also, If you take the test, come back and tell me how you fared. Any city from your state on your top 10?
*MT is still in our room in a pnp by the door - There are some logistics in our living situation that I am not comfortable with him being in his room yet. There are some things that I didn't think about when we were setting up the nursery that I discovered after we brought him home from the hospital. We haven't been home at the same time to work on the room swapping together. I am hoping to have it done soon. I do not foresee this being a problem. He goes to sleep just fine without having bodies in the room with him now.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Indulgence
I just watched Gre.y's A.natomy - I bawled like a baby when Callie said something about God Knows who you are, you Save Babies" to Addison. Talk about waterworks, I have to pause the D.VR to collect myself
I have driven passed this church for a while now. It is only 5 minutes from where we live. Last night, I looked up the times of the services and decided that MT and I would go since E was working this weekend and the service started at a time I thought would work out best for us. I woke up this morning later than I would have liked. I thought about not attempting church since we would be crunched for time. But I pressed through and we made in on time. Actually with a few minutes to spare. I was greeted by a lovely woman before We even made it to the door. She asked me if it was my first time there. I was shocked that someone is so attentive and friendly at 9am. She directed me where to go and informed me about the cry room in the back. MT and I started out in a pew. Many members sitting around us spoke to me and MT and commented on how it was nice to have us this week. (this is a rather large church - I was in shock about how many people spoke to us and knew that we were new visitors. It was refreshing) After the singing was over, MT needed a diaper change before we ran everyone off. So we slipped back to the cry room. This room is fantastic! It is still in the main church but has a bathroom with a changing station, nursing area, couches, rocking chairs, benches a plexi-glass and loud speaker. After I changed MT diaper, I just decided to stay back there. I could put him on the floor and let him crawl around while I listened to the service. The woman that greeted me must have saw us sneak back into the room, because she came to check on us and make sure we had everything we needed. She brought me a visitor info packet and invited me to join her for a Wed. Night Service. Seriously. Another mother came in with her 13 month old and the kids played for a while, while greeted each other and listened to the service together w/o fearing that the kids would disrupt anyone. It was just want I have been looking for. It was a breathe of fresh air. I have visited tons of churches for a while where no one speaks to you. I have been to churches where there is too much speaking to you. This was the perfect blend.
I spoke with the woman again before we left and told her that they really should advertise that they are equipped in this way. If I would have known about it months ago, I would have gone so much sooner. Being that it takes a while to feed him a bottle, I was always afraid to attempt it. But with an option like this, it just takes the anxiety away. It's unreal the things you look for in life when you looking through the eyes as a parent.
On a totally different topic. It's been well over 3 weeks since I even pumped. I still have a let down and am leaking (at night). It is not every night but about 2 or 3 nights a week. I was on a decongestant last week to help dry up my sinuses. That didn't help my milk dry up apparently. Anyone know how long it may take?
For Valentine's Day (well it just happened to coincide) MT got a new toy. I went to a consignment shop to look for something to assist him with standing and walking. Here is what I found. He LOVES it:
(more pictures here, if you want to see)
He can ride on it, push it, sit on the floor with it and push all the buttons to make the lights and music play. It has been a big success. He is still alittle to wobbly to push it w/o help because the rolling tends to get ahead of him. But he was pushing it while being on his knees this morning which worked out great. I liked it because the seat opens and acts like side rails to assist with balance. We all need alil help with balance at our house these days.
I have driven passed this church for a while now. It is only 5 minutes from where we live. Last night, I looked up the times of the services and decided that MT and I would go since E was working this weekend and the service started at a time I thought would work out best for us. I woke up this morning later than I would have liked. I thought about not attempting church since we would be crunched for time. But I pressed through and we made in on time. Actually with a few minutes to spare. I was greeted by a lovely woman before We even made it to the door. She asked me if it was my first time there. I was shocked that someone is so attentive and friendly at 9am. She directed me where to go and informed me about the cry room in the back. MT and I started out in a pew. Many members sitting around us spoke to me and MT and commented on how it was nice to have us this week. (this is a rather large church - I was in shock about how many people spoke to us and knew that we were new visitors. It was refreshing) After the singing was over, MT needed a diaper change before we ran everyone off. So we slipped back to the cry room. This room is fantastic! It is still in the main church but has a bathroom with a changing station, nursing area, couches, rocking chairs, benches a plexi-glass and loud speaker. After I changed MT diaper, I just decided to stay back there. I could put him on the floor and let him crawl around while I listened to the service. The woman that greeted me must have saw us sneak back into the room, because she came to check on us and make sure we had everything we needed. She brought me a visitor info packet and invited me to join her for a Wed. Night Service. Seriously. Another mother came in with her 13 month old and the kids played for a while, while greeted each other and listened to the service together w/o fearing that the kids would disrupt anyone. It was just want I have been looking for. It was a breathe of fresh air. I have visited tons of churches for a while where no one speaks to you. I have been to churches where there is too much speaking to you. This was the perfect blend.
I spoke with the woman again before we left and told her that they really should advertise that they are equipped in this way. If I would have known about it months ago, I would have gone so much sooner. Being that it takes a while to feed him a bottle, I was always afraid to attempt it. But with an option like this, it just takes the anxiety away. It's unreal the things you look for in life when you looking through the eyes as a parent.
On a totally different topic. It's been well over 3 weeks since I even pumped. I still have a let down and am leaking (at night). It is not every night but about 2 or 3 nights a week. I was on a decongestant last week to help dry up my sinuses. That didn't help my milk dry up apparently. Anyone know how long it may take?
For Valentine's Day (well it just happened to coincide) MT got a new toy. I went to a consignment shop to look for something to assist him with standing and walking. Here is what I found. He LOVES it:
(more pictures here, if you want to see)
He can ride on it, push it, sit on the floor with it and push all the buttons to make the lights and music play. It has been a big success. He is still alittle to wobbly to push it w/o help because the rolling tends to get ahead of him. But he was pushing it while being on his knees this morning which worked out great. I liked it because the seat opens and acts like side rails to assist with balance. We all need alil help with balance at our house these days.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
On the Move
Work has blocked practically every website so I am very behind on updating and checking blogs. Speaking of work, Only 2 more days to go until I am done there. On Friday, I saw a part time job annoucement and went to go apply. They actually interviewed me at the same time. On Monday, I receieved the job offer. I am waiting for the paperwork to clear - so am still not official hired, just saying prayers that is all goes well and I have a p/t job soon.
E and I have been working on our relationship in regards to MT. Do you ever re-read your posts and think, “Man, I was really one sided”. The past few posts have been one sided for me. I get in this funk/runt/obsession over something and it just tears my self esteem/confidence to shreds. That only invited all the self doubt and fears to show up in the corners of my mind. Then they start taking up residency in my entire mind and before long, I am paralyzed and unable to concentrate on anything but the negative. If I am not confident about a situation, I feel all kinds of things that others may or may not really be thinking or feeling. I am my own worst enemy ..truly I am. I really dislike this trait about myself. I hate that I allow this type of behavior to paralyze my ability to function. It annoys me. I can only imagine that it makes those around me want to slap me out of it. Because I want to do that to myself. I need to loosen up, stop over thinking too much, and learn to be more confident. It’s exhausting. I am hoping that as I continue to parent, I will become more natural.
Speaking of parenting, I have been one for 8 months now. I have an 8 month old. I feel like Life is stuck in slow motion and on fast forward all at the same time. Remembering how small MT was as we watch him finagle his way out of his bouncy seat and inchworm over to a toy on the floor. Or watching him pull himself up onto the couch and bite the cushion. He has figured out that he can move. Change his diaper and watch him squirm, flop and roll. He still prefers to hold onto fingers and walk around. His balance is slowly getting better. He is getting braver to explore on his own. What once was known as torture time (tummy time) is now becoming a fun past time. He is able to entertain himself on the floor with toys for so much longer than ever before. (which has been a HUGE blessing). I thought I was going to have him strapped to my body forever in the beginning. He has figured out that he can flip himself over on all fours and crawl/inchworm over to the rails of his bed and pull himself up. (Dangerous territory).
I was putting away many of his clothes that he has out grown. He is in the 9-12 month range. And we are started to run out of clothes options. I had tons of nb-6 months. The grandparents supplied a few new outfits in the 9-12 month range for Christmas, but once I started putting away clothes that he has outgrown, I started realizing that I need to get ready for the next few sizes. I got a little emotional putting all the little clothes in boxes. I am still unsure of what to do with them. I keep getting told to just keep them for the “next one”. Ugh. A thought I cannot even process.
My hormones are seriously all over the place. And I am not just referring to mood swings. I am referring to feeling the effects of PCOS back in my body. I need to stop and eat better. I am hoping this will help. My cycles have gotten so off and miserable and I can just feel a huge shift in my body and I need to take care of myself and keep the carbs to a minimum. I think this will help me mentally also.
On a totally unrelated topic, Did anyone watch the Gr.amm.y’s? My cousin is a designer and did a few outfits for the show. How cool is that
E and I have been working on our relationship in regards to MT. Do you ever re-read your posts and think, “Man, I was really one sided”. The past few posts have been one sided for me. I get in this funk/runt/obsession over something and it just tears my self esteem/confidence to shreds. That only invited all the self doubt and fears to show up in the corners of my mind. Then they start taking up residency in my entire mind and before long, I am paralyzed and unable to concentrate on anything but the negative. If I am not confident about a situation, I feel all kinds of things that others may or may not really be thinking or feeling. I am my own worst enemy ..truly I am. I really dislike this trait about myself. I hate that I allow this type of behavior to paralyze my ability to function. It annoys me. I can only imagine that it makes those around me want to slap me out of it. Because I want to do that to myself. I need to loosen up, stop over thinking too much, and learn to be more confident. It’s exhausting. I am hoping that as I continue to parent, I will become more natural.
Speaking of parenting, I have been one for 8 months now. I have an 8 month old. I feel like Life is stuck in slow motion and on fast forward all at the same time. Remembering how small MT was as we watch him finagle his way out of his bouncy seat and inchworm over to a toy on the floor. Or watching him pull himself up onto the couch and bite the cushion. He has figured out that he can move. Change his diaper and watch him squirm, flop and roll. He still prefers to hold onto fingers and walk around. His balance is slowly getting better. He is getting braver to explore on his own. What once was known as torture time (tummy time) is now becoming a fun past time. He is able to entertain himself on the floor with toys for so much longer than ever before. (which has been a HUGE blessing). I thought I was going to have him strapped to my body forever in the beginning. He has figured out that he can flip himself over on all fours and crawl/inchworm over to the rails of his bed and pull himself up. (Dangerous territory).
I was putting away many of his clothes that he has out grown. He is in the 9-12 month range. And we are started to run out of clothes options. I had tons of nb-6 months. The grandparents supplied a few new outfits in the 9-12 month range for Christmas, but once I started putting away clothes that he has outgrown, I started realizing that I need to get ready for the next few sizes. I got a little emotional putting all the little clothes in boxes. I am still unsure of what to do with them. I keep getting told to just keep them for the “next one”. Ugh. A thought I cannot even process.
My hormones are seriously all over the place. And I am not just referring to mood swings. I am referring to feeling the effects of PCOS back in my body. I need to stop and eat better. I am hoping this will help. My cycles have gotten so off and miserable and I can just feel a huge shift in my body and I need to take care of myself and keep the carbs to a minimum. I think this will help me mentally also.
On a totally unrelated topic, Did anyone watch the Gr.amm.y’s? My cousin is a designer and did a few outfits for the show. How cool is that
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Miss Communication
Boy do I have alot on my mind lately. Before I go blabbering on an on, I have a wonderful supportive Husband. But ... We may kill each other soon. Well, E and I haven't really been home at the same time to tend to MT together. And you can tell because we have is a huge communication issue
Let's take it back a bit:
We were going along with life on cruise control. Then I started back to work part time. We kept MT on eachothers work days. Did the daily cleaning tasks, and kept MT fed, clothed, dry and rested. For me, this schedule was rapidly feeling more chaotic as the days went by. Everything felt disjointed and misshaped. So, on my days off, I started writing down what our day looked like. I was trying to keep record of MT's feeding issues to document so when I went to the Dr we had a basis to go off of. Plus E always would ask me things and I would not remember on the spot. And, we were trying to figure out how to incorporate solids 3 times a day. Also, I figured if we were going to use daycare, they are going to want to know what a typical day looks like.
This weekend, E went a few hours out of town to his friends birthday party on Friday afternoon. He called me a few weeks back and we discussed this. Then, Thursday night, he reminded me about it and told me that it was just an overnight thing he thought. Saturday, around lunchtime I called to see what time he would be home. He asked the guys what time everyone was leaving and replied back to me that he would be leaving Sunday morning. I tried to remain calm on the phone because these guys only get together one time a yr. I wanted to not let that bother me and I wanted him to have a good time. He works hard, everyone deserves to have a break every now and then. It just happened to be on a weekend that I developed a sinus infection and MT was miserable. The thing I was upset about was that he didn't think to solidify plans before he left. I asked several times about details and such and he didn't know. I tried to give him some slack. let the boys be boys etc....... He isn't the most detail orientated guy. And his friend suck at planning.
Well Sunday at like 11 I sent him a text asking him when he thought we would be coming home. He called me at 11:45 and told me that he was loading up the car, he had just woken up. (add insult to injury) He walks in the door (with a food bag) a few hours later to a screaming,miserable child and a unshowered hungry, tired wife. I was so excited to see food to only find out that he didn't get me anything. But he did let me have some of the fries. I ate the fries and told him that I was going to take a shower. Before I got in the shower, I decided to clean the bathroom.
I was then loading the dishes in the dishwasher and getting ready to find something to eat But E says that he needs to take a shower also. So, he does that. After he gets out, I ask him to please watch MT while I just detox and veg and take a nap. It was a rough night last night and I was up and exhausted. I told him that I wrote what we had done on the paper so he would know when MT may start to get hungry. Well, I hear MT giving E a hard time and E tells him they are going for a walk. About 10 mins later, It dawns on me that I bet E didn't check the sheet of paper and doesn't realize that MT is giving him a hard time because he is hungry. I went running outside to ask and of course, he had not checked that. So We went inside and fed him. Skip to later, E said that he would bath MT. SO i sat in the computer room which looks into the bathroom so I could play on the computer and talk with them. After the bath, I see E going to grab for a towel that I think is dirty. I asked him not to use that towel, I think it was dirty and smelled. He said no, It was fine. Not 3 seconds later, he turns and looks at me and says "Does this towel smell sour". I flipping lost it. He said he didn't hear me ask the first time. (same excuse he used about not reading the sheet) I explained to him that he responded to me. SO if he didn't understand me, he should ask me to repeat myself or clarify or SOMETHING because I was about 4 seconds from offing him. He doesn't listen to me anymore, He just responds to me ...... We had several more of these lil episodes before bedtime.
The problem is, we aren't used to being parents together at the same time. And after we werew that frustrated, we just both shut down. I know this may sound stupid, but we both haven't been home together at the same time in about 2 months. And apparently, today since we were home together E expected me to do it all and I expect him to help out with out me having to ask every stinking thing. (ya know read my mind) And neither really know what to do about it. SO more growing pains... It's all a learning curve. Tonight after MT went to bed, We had a good talk. Not much was accomplished because We were both frustrated and exhausted. But we did talk and will continue to talk tomorrow. I want to be one of those people that have it all figured out. You know the ones I'm talking about. Until then, I will be the one over here keeping in real
Let's take it back a bit:
We were going along with life on cruise control. Then I started back to work part time. We kept MT on eachothers work days. Did the daily cleaning tasks, and kept MT fed, clothed, dry and rested. For me, this schedule was rapidly feeling more chaotic as the days went by. Everything felt disjointed and misshaped. So, on my days off, I started writing down what our day looked like. I was trying to keep record of MT's feeding issues to document so when I went to the Dr we had a basis to go off of. Plus E always would ask me things and I would not remember on the spot. And, we were trying to figure out how to incorporate solids 3 times a day. Also, I figured if we were going to use daycare, they are going to want to know what a typical day looks like.
This weekend, E went a few hours out of town to his friends birthday party on Friday afternoon. He called me a few weeks back and we discussed this. Then, Thursday night, he reminded me about it and told me that it was just an overnight thing he thought. Saturday, around lunchtime I called to see what time he would be home. He asked the guys what time everyone was leaving and replied back to me that he would be leaving Sunday morning. I tried to remain calm on the phone because these guys only get together one time a yr. I wanted to not let that bother me and I wanted him to have a good time. He works hard, everyone deserves to have a break every now and then. It just happened to be on a weekend that I developed a sinus infection and MT was miserable. The thing I was upset about was that he didn't think to solidify plans before he left. I asked several times about details and such and he didn't know. I tried to give him some slack. let the boys be boys etc....... He isn't the most detail orientated guy. And his friend suck at planning.
Well Sunday at like 11 I sent him a text asking him when he thought we would be coming home. He called me at 11:45 and told me that he was loading up the car, he had just woken up. (add insult to injury) He walks in the door (with a food bag) a few hours later to a screaming,miserable child and a unshowered hungry, tired wife. I was so excited to see food to only find out that he didn't get me anything. But he did let me have some of the fries. I ate the fries and told him that I was going to take a shower. Before I got in the shower, I decided to clean the bathroom.
I was then loading the dishes in the dishwasher and getting ready to find something to eat But E says that he needs to take a shower also. So, he does that. After he gets out, I ask him to please watch MT while I just detox and veg and take a nap. It was a rough night last night and I was up and exhausted. I told him that I wrote what we had done on the paper so he would know when MT may start to get hungry. Well, I hear MT giving E a hard time and E tells him they are going for a walk. About 10 mins later, It dawns on me that I bet E didn't check the sheet of paper and doesn't realize that MT is giving him a hard time because he is hungry. I went running outside to ask and of course, he had not checked that. So We went inside and fed him. Skip to later, E said that he would bath MT. SO i sat in the computer room which looks into the bathroom so I could play on the computer and talk with them. After the bath, I see E going to grab for a towel that I think is dirty. I asked him not to use that towel, I think it was dirty and smelled. He said no, It was fine. Not 3 seconds later, he turns and looks at me and says "Does this towel smell sour". I flipping lost it. He said he didn't hear me ask the first time. (same excuse he used about not reading the sheet) I explained to him that he responded to me. SO if he didn't understand me, he should ask me to repeat myself or clarify or SOMETHING because I was about 4 seconds from offing him. He doesn't listen to me anymore, He just responds to me ...... We had several more of these lil episodes before bedtime.
The problem is, we aren't used to being parents together at the same time. And after we werew that frustrated, we just both shut down. I know this may sound stupid, but we both haven't been home together at the same time in about 2 months. And apparently, today since we were home together E expected me to do it all and I expect him to help out with out me having to ask every stinking thing. (ya know read my mind) And neither really know what to do about it. SO more growing pains... It's all a learning curve. Tonight after MT went to bed, We had a good talk. Not much was accomplished because We were both frustrated and exhausted. But we did talk and will continue to talk tomorrow. I want to be one of those people that have it all figured out. You know the ones I'm talking about. Until then, I will be the one over here keeping in real
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