A lil all over the place ..

Written a few days ago ..and haven't had the time and brain power to finish:

I have been back to work part time for a month now. I am working on E's days off. It's money. I haven't felt emotional about leaving MT with E while I work at all really. I mean, MT is just with his Father and E really enjoys spending time with MT. I am not pleased that I leave them for as long as I do. I feel like 2 hours every day that I work are wasted due to travel time/commute.


Things that I have realized:

• I don't mind leaving MT as long as I know and trust the care giver.


• I actually do not worry about E or MT


• I do think alot about the laundry, dishes, groceries, etc. errands that need to be done.


• I get overwhelmed thinking about the chores of every day life that need to be done and when am I going to have time to do them.


• I loathe the commute. I hate that it takes me 45mins-1 hour to get home. It feels like so much wasted unnecessary time


• I have not done one thing since being back at work. NOTHING. My supervisor has not given me anything to do. She is not ever available. She is in meetings or not at her office, out to lunch, dealing with the latest fire that needs to be put out. Blah blah blah. This only makes me hate work more. I feel like I am wasting more of this precious thing called time. She was supposed to get with me Dec 16 and let me know how long I could work P/T. It's Jan 9. I asked her before I left today if she had time to discuss how long I could work p/t. She had not actually discussed it w/ her boss or HR .... SO I continue to wait. Which IS good news. I am getting paid to actually just sit there. (too bad lots of sites are blocked)
  
• I do like to get the paycheck. It makes my anxiety easier to deal with.


• I do not want to work full time at this salary with this job.


• I do not find it all necessary to interact with adults professionally.
  

What I have learned from this little exercise as working p/t:

• I don't hate being away from MT.


• I find myself able to get more things accomplished when I am home with MT. (but you could equate that with getting older and learning more independent play/nap times- or just finding our groove)


• I miss being off and spending time with E and MT together. Doing this schedule, We can only see each other after 7pm on the days that E works and after 5pm for the days I work along with every other weekend. I am grateful that he does have off every other weekend. I feel like something is off though. I feel like something isn't right. I don't know how to describe it other than, I am not in balance.. Or I am not in the right space. I went through a few weeks of depression. I wasn't able to explain it. I just kept telling E that I simply am depressed. It was the first time that I can remembering feeling plagued with melancholy and simple sadness since before I found out I was pregnant. I absolutely hate that I am admitting that I as depressed about my work situation right now. I feel like I should be ashamed for admitting it.
  
• I find myself scouring the want ads, job boards, websites the night before I have to go back to work.


• I am looking for a new job. I do not know what that job is that I am looking for. It is so hard to look for something but not know exactly what you are looking for. It makes it challenging to find. I know that may not makes sense to anyone. This is the constant state I am in - Or so it feels. E keeps assuring me that the perfect job that feels right for our family is out there. And that I am doing what I can until that comes along. He is so sickly sweet supportive sometimes, it would make your teeth rot and fall out.

** I did apply for a job recently that does sound like something that would be great for our situation. It is P/T and around the corner from my cousin's house who has offered to watch MT. She has a 3 yr old and I would easily leave MT with her and feel very confident that she would take great care for him. And it would be a great opportunity for her as well.

Written Jan 12th

The post above is choppy and unfinished. It is actually how I still feel about the topic. So choppy and unfinished it will stay.

Saturday, my parents stole MT from us again. They asked if they could come and get him. I obliged. E and I had a few hours to ourselves. What was the first thing we did you ask ..... I picked everything off the floor and vacuumed while He cleaned the kitchen and took out all the trash. Romantic Huh!?! We did go out to lunch though and ran a few errands. Then we drove to pick up MT at the grandparents. Here is what we found:

They bought him a car! Oh, I mean a walker. It's actually pretty cool and sturdy. It is made like our exersaucer so it won't tip over and we don't have stairs. He has mastered rolling himself backwards and thinks he is a hot shot.

Sunday I decided that I could not take the length and heaviness of my hair anymore. So, I chopped it off. I need to fix it before I can post a pic. Trust me ..It's Short ..It's a classic bop to the bottom of the ears.

Today I was invited to go geoc.aching with a friend and her friends and their kids. We met in the morning. It was actually a pretty cool day here (relatively speaking around 64 degrees). I had a blast. I enjoyed being out in the cool air hunting treasures. I highly suggest this for something to do on a walk in your area.

My parents have talked me (and MT) into riding with them to NC this weekend. It is going to be freaking cold. It's a 10+ hour drive. I do want my relatives to meet him ...but WOW 10+ hours in a car ..... I hope it will be a smooth trip. We are leaving Thursday night and coming home Monday. Boy do I have alot of cleaning and packing to do. I am hoping to get back to my regular ability to comment and read but lately, I have seem to lost my groove, I will get it back ...Wishing everyone Well and BFP's if you are seeking one