Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Brain Ache

I feel like I am in the middle of a lobotomy. I have posts that I have written but just cannot bring myself to publish. I never do that. I have always hit publish right after I type a post (yes with many grammatical errors, typos and misspelled words) because Mostly, It frees me. It’s my space, my thoughts and they are allowed to be messy and imperfect. But right now, I am just bone tired and scared. I have had a migraine for 3 days. Of course, Af showed up, and is honestly the worst one thus far. Timing huh. Normally, I like to talk, vent, or discuss my way through my problems, dilemmas, and situations. But right now, I am finding comfort in hiding, withdrawing and contemplating just by myself.

Thank you so much for the input on what I should be looking for in a daycare and questions to ask. I just wanted other feedback to make sure that I do not miss anything that is obvious to others but blank to me. I am numb and recognize that I need assistance. We have scheduled to meet with 2 at home daycares. One is tonight and one is Thursday night. I feel like, right now that we are going to go with a home daycare because the big fancy places charge too much for my economic status. If we feel that the home daycares do not suit our needs, we will re-evaluate Thursday night.

My problem, I am very much a literal person. I think and understand in a very black and white manner. This = this. I am a Cause and Effect type of person. If I could change one thing about me, this would be it. I wish so badly that I could be the Dharma. It’s very much like the Dharma from this show. I want so badly to have her personality traits. My sister, She is Dharma.

The tangent meaning that I know that I have to work. I just cannot not have a job. It doesn’t have to be my current job. But, I have been unable to find a new job that is conducive to our family’s needs so far. We have bills, We could get by for a few months w/o me working. Maybe even the rest of the year. There would be compromises, there are already compromises. Things are tight, Things would get more tight. I have a job now. It pays our bills. It could help us secure our future a bit more. Regardless of my current job, the next job I find, I may still need some type of daycare for that one too. The Dharma part of my brain just wants to quit and walk away now because I don’t plan on staying, but the literal part of my brain tells me to collect a paycheck for a month, Give daycare a try, look for a new job while making money. Look for a new job while making money! Is the big thing that keeps playing over and over in my head. I have been told that it is easier to get a job when you have a job. That thought has been ingrained into my mind. I don’t know if that is true or not, but these are the thoughts that play on repeat over and over in my brain. It could be more myths of life that as I get older I realize do not hold water. One that stands true is, Money is necessary.

There are my thoughts, messy, all over the place, but open and willing to try new to make life better for us as a family. I do not know how it will all pan out. We may find that it just does not work for us, and at that time, We will revisit and re-group. But it will not hurt (that much) to try. Thursday night, I may have different thoughts on the whole topic! I won’t know, If I don’t try.

15 comments:

Jen said...

I bet that you will be able to find an in home daycare that works. And take notes for me, I have considered maybe taking in another child or two for in home daycare. Maybe. Eventually.

And I hope the migraine goes away and you feel better.

Mel said...

I am so sorry you are feeling bad and the migraine/period combination is the absolute worst. It really is... I can say with surety that I haven't missed that scrit AT ALL these past 9 months.

I am so with you on the job/finances/childcare drama. I really am. My heart breaks for you. I just wake up some days SO BITTER that I don't even have the option to consider staying at home full time for at least a year or so. Not bitter at my husband or anyone else, just bitter in general that life is so f'ing unfair. And my OB's office will say something like "Oh, you're STILL working full time in this part of your pregnancy? You POOR thing." I just want to throw something at someone.

Anyways, I hope things get better and I'll have you in my prayers for sure. Keep breathing, right?
*hugs*

Dreamer4agift said...

((hugs)) for everything to work out soon

Jen said...

I think it takes a lot out of you to even think about childcare, job and life in general. I remember when I was signing the boys up for preschool having headaches a lot. It's just a lot to think about. Hopefully you can get some non think time in soon. Home childcare has it's advantages and disadvantages, just remember that even though one may work or not work right now doesn't mean it can't change if you feel it's wrong later. (This was a huge lesson for me).

Amanda said...

I'm sorry about the nasty migraine. I hope that you're able to get some of your questions answered and are able to let go of some of this stress. (((hugs)))

Adriane said...

I missed your Monday post, but looks like you got some great feedback. The daycare thing is so tough. The fancy ones are EXPENSIVE! Plus, the infant to caretaker ration (for the state of IL) is 4 to 1. I like the at home option for sure. Hope your meetings with them go well!!! This is such a tough decision - I will be thiking about you!

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I'm so sorry you are in this place. If its any help, every time I've wanted a new job, I have stayed at the one I was in until I found and accepted the new job--even when we moved cross-country twice. This has worked well for me. G hasn't done this, and well, its not worked out so great for him (as in he quits and tries to find something later).

You need to do what is best for you in your heart. Your mind will figure out what to do with the rest. Hang in there, sweetie.

I'm thinking of you and praying for the best. ((HUGS))

My Reality said...

You are right, you won't know if you don't try. And if you try and don't like, you can try something else.

Photogrl said...

Sorry that you're not feeling well, it makes everything else in life harder!

I don't have a lot of advice for the job, as I'm still in one that I thought I'd leave a year ago ;)

((HUGS))

sara said...

This sounds like such a tough situation! I'm hoping that the job and daycare situation finds a really good solution. It is such a stressful topic and I'm keeping you in my thoughts. You are such a good mom and you are going to do what is best for your family...I just know it.

Elizabeth said...

:-( ((((((((((hugs))))))))

AJ's mommy said...

Migraines are icky. I am so sorry. I hope you are feeling better.

I like our home daycare situation and I am sure one of yours will work out nicely.

Katie said...

Oh, sweetheart. I also feel as if I am swimming in decision. And you know that we are swimming in the same sea of despair, knowing what is right in our heads does not necessarily translate to what is right in our hearts.

Thinking of you and hoping we both reach dry land soon.

Morrisa said...

So sorry you have to go through this. I totally understand, I have to work also, it is not an option for me to stay home. I wish I had some wonderful advice...

Barb said...

We love your messy thoughts Farah. Actually.. it's one of the things I love best about you and your blog.
hugs.