Brain Ache

I feel like I am in the middle of a lobotomy. I have posts that I have written but just cannot bring myself to publish. I never do that. I have always hit publish right after I type a post (yes with many grammatical errors, typos and misspelled words) because Mostly, It frees me. It’s my space, my thoughts and they are allowed to be messy and imperfect. But right now, I am just bone tired and scared. I have had a migraine for 3 days. Of course, Af showed up, and is honestly the worst one thus far. Timing huh. Normally, I like to talk, vent, or discuss my way through my problems, dilemmas, and situations. But right now, I am finding comfort in hiding, withdrawing and contemplating just by myself.

Thank you so much for the input on what I should be looking for in a daycare and questions to ask. I just wanted other feedback to make sure that I do not miss anything that is obvious to others but blank to me. I am numb and recognize that I need assistance. We have scheduled to meet with 2 at home daycares. One is tonight and one is Thursday night. I feel like, right now that we are going to go with a home daycare because the big fancy places charge too much for my economic status. If we feel that the home daycares do not suit our needs, we will re-evaluate Thursday night.

My problem, I am very much a literal person. I think and understand in a very black and white manner. This = this. I am a Cause and Effect type of person. If I could change one thing about me, this would be it. I wish so badly that I could be the Dharma. It’s very much like the Dharma from this show. I want so badly to have her personality traits. My sister, She is Dharma.

The tangent meaning that I know that I have to work. I just cannot not have a job. It doesn’t have to be my current job. But, I have been unable to find a new job that is conducive to our family’s needs so far. We have bills, We could get by for a few months w/o me working. Maybe even the rest of the year. There would be compromises, there are already compromises. Things are tight, Things would get more tight. I have a job now. It pays our bills. It could help us secure our future a bit more. Regardless of my current job, the next job I find, I may still need some type of daycare for that one too. The Dharma part of my brain just wants to quit and walk away now because I don’t plan on staying, but the literal part of my brain tells me to collect a paycheck for a month, Give daycare a try, look for a new job while making money. Look for a new job while making money! Is the big thing that keeps playing over and over in my head. I have been told that it is easier to get a job when you have a job. That thought has been ingrained into my mind. I don’t know if that is true or not, but these are the thoughts that play on repeat over and over in my brain. It could be more myths of life that as I get older I realize do not hold water. One that stands true is, Money is necessary.

There are my thoughts, messy, all over the place, but open and willing to try new to make life better for us as a family. I do not know how it will all pan out. We may find that it just does not work for us, and at that time, We will revisit and re-group. But it will not hurt (that much) to try. Thursday night, I may have different thoughts on the whole topic! I won’t know, If I don’t try.