Saturday, January 3, 2009

laissez-faire

I haven't admitted this story to anyone yet: One night when I pregnant with MT, my mother called and told me that she and my dad had bought a pack n play to keep at their house for MT to use when we were over there. I lost it .. I was so pissed off that she had purchased something for the baby. It was before I had actually purchased anything myself. They got it because it was on sale at the baby super store and it matched the decor of my mom's house. I was Such a horrible daughter/person this night. I almost made them return it because it was not THE ONE that the books suggested were best .... Yes Me, the baby product snob, who had actually never owned any baby products. It was not the favored brand, therefore it was not acceptable for MT to use ..... I was crying hysterically on the phone because "they should have consulted me". I mean, I was the one reading all the books and studying all the reviews and filling my brain with all this "knowledge".

I can post about this now, because I am not pregnant anymore and I am actually not that person anymore. I have taken a few steps back into reality with a few less hormones. I have also realized that this baby is mine, but as much as I can complain, My parents are actually huge helpers. And More in love with this child than they are with me and my sister .... Don't believe me? Just Trust me.

I posted the picture yesterday, and I knew that plenty would think that I had lost my mind .... or something to the likes of that... When I first saw that email, i just shook my head. I mean, I wasn't necessary ecstatic about it obviously .. but What am I to do. Which is the real reason I am posting.

That picture represents the many different personalities and education that MT will soak up from being around my family, E and I. I am trying my best to allow my family to show MT love in their own way. I have learned that is it truly pure love and joy when you allow people to love you in the way that they are most comfortable and natural doing There are alot less feelings of angst, pressure to preform, and hopefully lessened anxiety. This has been a bit of a re-programming for me. This is not the old me at all. I like to tell people how things need to be done.

Pre-MT, I was a person who would fight a battle for what ever it cost, just because. I would do things certain ways, because they HAD to be done that way. I would instruct (ie strongly suggest) others to do them that way also ... Why, because I did it that way and it obviously is the more right way. High Strung, Wound Tight are words that I would use to describe myself at times . ..

What having MT has taught me was that there are no right ways to do things. There are preferences, guidelines, examples, suggestions, common sense, etc.

In the beginning of MT's life, I was exhausted. Dog Tired. There really wasn't much that wasn't exhausting. When I am exhausted, I really don't care a whole lot about details. So, When My parents or E would assist in helping care for MT, I didn't give much instruction. I mean the simple stuff: He ate at X time, he will most likely be hungry at Y time, feed him this when you thin he is hungry. He sounds like this or does this when he gets hungry/sleepy. We were extremely blessed, He didn't have any medical complications. Early on, Getting him to drink a bottle w/o falling asleep was challenging but other that than, he was a very easy newborn. So, I didn't feel the need to give detailed instructions. I mean these people have been around him just like I had been, we all started to recognize and pick up on his cues.

What I am saying is, I didn't/don't want to feel that ball of nerves that I feel when I am bothered by something some one is doing because they aren't doing it like I would do it - as long as there is not harm being caused. Basically, it's about controlling everything. I am learning that I am able to enjoy life more when I am not trying to control everything. I get to sit back and enjoy the ride and see the scenery. So I have been practicing letting that controlling part of me go. I get better and worse depending on the day of the week/month. I know that each of us have different things to offer MT and I do not want to inhibit his relationships because of my shortsightenedness. (as long as they are not harmful) Like a poster said, My parents did raise me and my sister and we are still alive and doing just fine. There are things that we have talked about at great length. I feel like they try to respect how we are choosing to raise MT. (most days) I feel like MT will benefit from them just as much as they benefit from Him. They receive such great and pure joy from him. Sometimes it is intense to experience. Many times has it brought tears to my eyes. I mean, I feel great joy from him, But it is incredible to see the bliss on their faces and the care and love they hold for him. I never actually thought about that much during my pregnancy. I just knew that we wanted MT so badly, I wasn't able to see how much my parents would love on him.

So, with all that said, 2009 is going to be about enjoying the scenery of this journey and not having to always be the tour guide or instructor. And just like the photo, It is Scary!

On a side note, my poor lil MT is drooling and whining so much because 3 top teeth coming in at one time. Who new that was possible. Poor lil guy
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20 comments:

Polka Dot said...

I, too, am a total control freak. I don't like to think I am, but it's true.

I don't have the baby yet, but so far I'm holding onto this 'idea' of how I think I'll be. I like to think I'll be fairly relaxed considering my baby-related history. My younger brother was born when I was 11 and, between my other siblings (steps included), I have more nieces & nephews than my Christmas budget can afford.

But I already know there are things we'll argue about - no overnight visits with my mom (she's an alchi & usually drunk by 9) and my dad absolutely loves to be the one to introduce soda to all new grandbabies (a sore point, really, for all of my siblings).

Although part of me is with you on the whole specific model / type thing when it comes to purchases. Only mine isn't really about specific models so much as (and this is fairly egotistical, I know) that I think after struggling for so long that our baby deserves (I'm embarrassed to admit this) new stuff instead of hand-me-downs. No used high chair, no used crib, etc ... New new new.

So I dunno. I think we all go into this whole baby thing with expectations that we (or anyone, really) could ever live up to.

Jen said...

I love your post! I am also a control freak about many things. I have, unconciously, been not controlling everything/everyone around me. I'm too tired, busy or just don't care about everything as much as I once did. I'm not saying I've let go of it all, but I am also learning to let people love the way they are most comfortable. Amazing thought, isn't it.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I'm so with. Here's hoping that we can both sit back, relax and enjoy. :) ((HUGS))

Kim said...

I need to be that way with the in-laws. But I don't think I'm there yet. Hopefully someday!!! Be a good influence on me, please!

My Reality said...

Learning to give up control is so hard. I admire your laissez faire attitude and hope it will rub off on me somehow!

Nic said...

I too am a control freak, I know I will be a great mum in so many ways but I will also be controling and worrying the whole time. I am bad enough with my dog who is my baby until I have a human one!! Maybe I should learn to relax a little as well!

alisa said...

My daughter cut 6 teeth while my husband was out of town for labor day weekend. It's definitely possible. Might as well get it over quickly.

Geohde said...

Oh- look at those teeth!

Such a design flaw of humanity that they have to come up through gums, eh?

J

hope548 said...

What a great post. I am so happy for you that you are able to let go a little bit. I am struggling with it right now. It annoys me how possessive my mom and MIL act sometimes about our son. We waited so long for him and love him so much, and they already got to raise their babies! He will probably be our only one. I know I have to let them love him the way they do. Honestly I wouldn't want them to step back and treat him differently because then he would be the one suffering and what would that help me? I am struggling to not be so controlling and reading your post made me feel better that others go through the same thing. I bet it's not even infertility related, just new mom issues.

Happy 2009!

Courtney said...

Good for you for being able to let go some when dealing with the family. I think I should re-read this post about 100 times and see if I can follow your lead. I am fairly relaxed with family, but there are times that I just want to snatch up the little one and run in fear that something will not be done the way I want it to.

Thanks for posting this and opening my eyes.

AJ's mommy said...

Good post. I can be a control freak when it comes to AJ too. I try not to be that way all the time, but sometimes I can't help it. But, great post!

Rebecca said...

The control thing is the most difficult! Love the pictures...teeth!!!

Photogrl said...

Isn't it amazing how a child changes you?

Good luck with the teeth, I hope they come in quickly.

Nurse Lochia said...

I admit I'm also a control freak, and I'm finally starting to relax a bit. I have to catch myself from "fixing" things and doing it my way with my kids, especially with the baby. Oh, and that picture was darling! A bit startling, but absolutely darling!

Amanda said...

It's a lot easier said than done to let it go. Especially when it comes to the in-laws. Ugh.

You've come a long way! I'm so proud of you. :-)

Heather said...

I so needed to read this today. Thank you!

And, if we judge based on how you turned out - your parents ROCK!! I'm sure they will be just as awesome with him.

Glenna Marshall said...

Look at those teeth!! My little guy will be 7 mo. next week and we have NARY a tooth in his whole head! He'll probably cut them all in one week. Ack!

I actually struggle with a lot of those things even now, this side of becoming a mom. I have to learn to let go a little.

Amanda said...

Good for you. I wish that I could relax and let go of more myself...

Barb said...

I totally thought I left a note on this post, but don't see it! Gah!

Sorry. I don't remember what I said, but I know it was supportive. :)

FattyPants said...

Having a baby does indeed change everything. Poor baby and his teeth. We just went though this with B and he is still acting like he's teething. Seriously what teeth could be next? Argh.

How is the carseat decision going?