140 days to go! w/ Dr Appointment Updates

I cannot express the gratitude that I have for all of the comments yesterday and this morning - Thank you I needed that !



The appointment went well considering. It was nothing that we haven't already done. It was me, E and a genetic counselor. We had to re-hash all the problems in our ttc journey and families medical history. She noted that nothing thus far has raised any concern or red flag from all of my testing She was pleased to see that we were pro-active in our situation and did all our preliminary testings. She explained that and ASD can not always be seen on their level 2 u/s's but she would request the dr to take a good look. She also explained that my fused vertebrates _( klippel-feil syndrome) is just an abnormality that has no genetic pattern. She says she has to tell me that there is a 50/50 chance that it will be passed down - but thinks that it is actuallu much lower due to my nt scan, afp results. Same with the ASD. She has suggested that the dr ( when i see a dr) refers me to a cardiologist regarding my 2 strains for the MTHFR disorder. I found out that the mthfr is a folic acid deficiancy. She suggested that I take atleast 1 mg if not 2 of folic acid for the rest of my life. (that was good to know) The cardiologist will do an echo-cardiogram for myself to just "make sure" all things are peachy.

I expressed my concern about every appointment that I go to adds a new demand on me and it makes me over anxious. (through tears) Like someone stated in a comment - I told her that I am trying to manage my fears but these appointments and the appointments that cause more/different appointments make it hard for me to control my anxiety and I was very unhappy about the way that things have unfolded. I made the counselor tear up - she felt bad that this was doing the opposite as to what it was supposed to do for me and she hoped that I could understand that I am still beng treated for a normal pregnancy until/if they find something wrong. I explained that I was tired of looking for something to be wrong. And that I was tired of "pre-cautions". She expressed that the next appointment with the U/s and the Dr on the 19th will give us more concrete answers and that I shouldn't worry and That hopefully all my fears will be able to go away after this next appointment. (she didn't work for the perinatals office - so i felt bad that i cried on her)-All things considered - uninformative appointment but I decided to take the rest of the day off and spend it with my husband for now.

On more happier news - I am 20 weeks today. 140 days in 140 days to go! Half way there and regardless of the crying - I feel great and I am going to enjoy this regardless of my anxiety!

Again, I cannot thank you enough for your encouraging comments and emails that let me know others "get me". Thank you thank you - I need that reminder sometimes

These Aren't the Days to Remember..this too shall pass

(spell check isn't working- again)
well i got my MFM appointment - i have a consult tomorrow at 9:30am. I was called at noon to "inform me". Then My lvl 2 u/s will be the 19th at 1:30pm

The above is the drama free version. Below is the crazy, emotional, hormonal pregnant lady who would just like to see her baby and all Mini's organs version:

The poor lady that schedules appointments got more than she would have liked this afternoon but was really a gem in dealing with me - ok here we go:

She called to explain that I would need genetic counseling - I informed her that I underwent all the testing we would like until further looks at the baby stated other wise. All my NT scans, AFP results came back with no concern therefore I was under the impression that I was high risk due to a few m/c's and my blood/immune disorder. Well apparently my OB's told them that they are worried about my ASD repair and my fused vertebrates. Which is News to me because Thursday - she assured me I was high risk because of the blood/immune lo.ve.nox combo (the others are no elephant in a room-I am aware of them but all my life have been told it was just a fluke/mutation and all my pre-fertility treatment testings/chromosomal testings revealed nothing to be concerned about- according to my OB and RE). SO when she told me that I had to have more testing, I lost it. I cried and tried to explain to her that I was not requiring or requesting any more genetic tests. I was happy with all my results thus far until we see something to be concerned with. (see being the most important word in the sentence) I am 20 weeks, it won't change a thing. She told me she was going to call my OB and RE to confirm that I had done tests and see if they thought i needed more ..... so i had an emotional break down for 2 hours because obviously, they did not have my file nor read my file before making the appointment. Why would they require me to do stuff that I have already done and do not care to do more of? I am just starting to enjoy this thought of pregnancy and need no more opportunity for concern or worry or anxiety- I do plenty of that w/o dr's orders. I just wanted to have a dr LOOK at my baby and THEN IF they see a problem, discuss it. Not vice versa

Well, she called my OB and my RE and apparently the testing that they did is "different" OF COURSE IT IS!!! and If I do not go tomorrow for the genetic couseling, when I have my scan on the 19th, This appointment will not be with a dr. She explained to me that if I refuse the appointment tomorrow, then at my scan on the 19th which is in a diiferent location, will not be done by a dr and my results will not be discussed with me. They will mail my results back to the OB's office and let the OB's office deliver the results to me. If something was/is wrong, I would have to get in line for an appointment and hopes I get seen.

So after a few phone calls were made(and tears were cried), we have taken the appointments reluctantly and pissed off about the whole scenario. I am just tired of being poked and prodded over and over again. I am tired of worrying, and having anxiety attacks, I just want to be able to enjoy this at some point.

Good thing my co-workers are not here today because i have just cried and cried. I think it's tacky and ballsy that a dr's office can call on a 20 hour notice and demand that you come in on that day (my husband is supposed to work on the day of the scan and can not get off- so he will have to do the unthinkable and call in sick and hope he doesn't get in trouble). I tried explaining to the appointment scheduler that my husband could not come that day and she told me to come by myself or bring a friend. ON THE DAY WE MAY FIND OUT THE SEX AND determine if all things Mini are ok. I THINK NOT YOU &*()^&@! I gave 7 other days that were better for us and she told me, I don't know what to tell you.?!?. WHAT really ??!?! .... i think that may be what I am upset about also. That and discussing things that w/o looking we will not know for sure. Basically, I know it may seem peddly to some - but i could use some good thoughts, prayers, or what ever you do to take the anxiety away. Hopefully I will come back with a great experience tomorrow - but I am not counting on it. I just would like a look at my baby!

( i won't even go over the fact that the office that she "picked" for our scan is over 2 hours from my house, but the office I am going to tomorrow is 5 miles from my house)

I went to a get together at my parent's house last night. Everyone was fascinated that I had not found out the sex yet and that we have not thought of names yet. During dinner, it quickly became "name the unborn baby" game. I have to say, I was not a bit intimidated. This is a plus for me. Usually, i just like to blend in and not have much conversation about this baby, how far along I am, blah blah etc. I am beginining to enjoy this. (weird I know) I was reading Katie's post about women who undergo treatments have this "AH-HA" moment of their pregnancy. I feel mine creeping in. I feel the Ah-Ha moment building. Here is a great website that I found this morning about generating random names. I played with this for about 1 hour this morning. That website is pretty cool. I felt excited to be able to think about picking names. I also think that my husband and I both agree that we will see what the name will be after we deliver. I do have the "I need to see what the baby looks like" before I designate a name.

With that said, I am worried about visiting the MFM dr's. My co-worker who did not have a difficulty getting pregnant had to go to their office and they scared the crap out of her - she cried for hours and will still tear up when talking about it. I know they have to do their job and theor job is to give all the risks and such. But as much as I want to see the organs and get their opinion - I am unsure I am ready for the doom and gloom that my friend has described the office to be. I am hoping and praying that they will not do that for me -but she says that since I have had heart surgery and have a few fused vertebrates she is sure that my appointment will upset me - I am hoping the later!! I do not need any more reason to set off my anxiety that I finally have somewhat under control. So as much as I am looking forward to the appointment, I also think that is one of the main reasons, i am been just "going with the flow" and not pushing for an appointment.

I have a friend that is blogging after she received a bfp after a round of IVF. Her website is here. She has been recently diagnosised with a subchrionic hemorrhage in her 12th (or 13th) week. She was told that there is still a risk of miscarriage. If anyone has any info about this please offer her some support - or just offer her support because.

I want to congratulate Flotsam on the birth of her twins. This is bittersweet - go wish her some love and support if you haven't already.

I need to write a post about the friend that got away. I am one of those people that have a few really. I dunno why, but I have this scenario happen to me often. So I have quite a few stories that I can share. My husband tells me it's because I share my opinion (when or not asked) and I share the honest opinion and most peope do not really want the honest one - they want the opinion that is the popular things to say and because I am quite an independantly hippy like soul. More on this later. .... I hope everyone had a relaxing, enjoyable weekend. I have to run to my parents. I left my purse last night.

Found THIS on Meg's website and wanted to share .....

I cannot explain how I think that these new studies, products and "new found information" are uneducating our next generation.

I do have no doubt that they can be helpful - but these beads are assuming ALOT. Why can't we discuss cervical mucus, cervical positions, cycle lengths that vary.

I am just get so passionate about education and facts - I know that there are still people that actually beleive they ovulate on or around the CD14 mark - and it just makes me mad that this is the kind of education our "scientific" community is passes as facts.

The thing about coffee, cell phones, acupuncture ..etc. Us in the "internet age" have known this for quite some time - It's not New news!

Ok I need to stop before i really getting going .. can you tell i am passionate about proper education on this topic!!!

Bets are on

P-word appointment mentioned

I just got back from my monthly appointment and all is well. Everything sounds great and this nurse had no problem finding the baby's heartbeat on the doppler and let us listen to it for a about 3 minutes. The nurse did have to chase around Mini for a second or two- Mini is not a fan of these Dopplers I think. The heart rate was up in the 160's still and sounded very strong and wonderful. It honestly is my favorite sound in the whole world now. The nurse and Dr said they had their bets on a girl if the "old wives tails are true"

Someone asked recently what happens at these monthly appointments and I thought that was a very good question - so I am going to share/list what happens at mine. ( i assume they are all about the same): Typically
the appointments go like this:
you sign in - go pee in a cup (they are checking for proteins and sugars or other abnormalities, you weigh yourself, wait to be called, then you go back to a room - the nurse brings in the scary doppler that I HATE (but after todays appointment I think it was the operator that made me hate it), then take your blood pressure ask if you had any symptoms bleeding, faiting, dizzyness, shortness of breathe, vomiting, headaches, etc.... and so on, they lay you down on the table and feel around and measure your fundal height (anyone know why they measure this??), Then my Dr comes in for a minute to answer questions, look over results from that day. Then they tell you what you should expect at next visit because you will be x amount of weeks and they need to have this lab or that test done if you want yadda yadda - send you out to make next months appointment and you are on your way! uneventful really!

My dr was concerned on why I hadn't seen the MFM (peri) yet. She steppd out to ask the OB nurse if she could get me an appointment or contact the office in hopes they schedule an appointment for me soon. Before I left I was told that I should have a call and appointment by sometime next week. I am to call her back if by sometime next week I have not heard from the peri's office. Hopefully they call and make it on a day that E is off work so he doesn't have to make other arrangements. My dr patted me on the back and told me 1/2 way there! That was good to hear. I am so glad to hear about all of the good appointments in the blogosphere this week as well. Let's keep it up!

No touchie the Mango

This post is going to be all over the place:

Happy 1st blogoversary to me – I forgot to post this but Feb. 3rd (superbowl Sunday) was my 1st Blogoversary. I have met so many wonderfully bloggers/commenter’s and I don’t know where I would be emotionally if it wasn’t for this community. I have been allowed to explore my deepest fears, thoughts and ideas here for the past year and it has made a huge difference in my friendships, work and my marriage. You guys really do Rock! This past month, I have been faced with decisions that I thought I would never get to make or have to make – and this bloggin process has helped so much. I am going to link you to a few posts that have been made over the last couple days that have really had an impact on my heart and soul recently.

A SomeDay Mom – I totally could have written this but instead of plagiarizing, I will link you to her – but her thoughts are exactly mine – just better written

Blood Signs – this post is just powerful and brave. I am in awe of her writing ability. She really is a fantastic woman. The part that left me thinking is at the very end of her post about the book “The Prophet”. Before that quote, as I was reading, I kept trying to imagine myself in her situation. Would I have been strong and graceful enough to handle that situation the way she did? Pam, I am really inspired by that post – Not many could have done such a beautiful balance as you did!

Mel’s post yesterday about the community in which we write from and about – Really I just wish I could express my thoughts and feelings the way some of you are capable of doing.

P-word mentioned:
Not only did I have my 1 yr blogoversary – but I am 19 weeks. (45% of the way there) I am still feeling movements. They are still somewhat sporadic but still feeling them none the less. Saturday morning, I woke up feeling like I had done 1000000 sit-ups. Anyone ever feel this way while pregnant? I assumed it was because of Mini- kicks and Mini-growing. (Mini- my love, I am plenty big and there is plenty of room in there already- you already want more space and more room?) I am still holding at the same 5-6 lbs that I was up at my last appointment. I am changing shapes, furniture is moving and you can see the protruding roundness of my belly for sure now. Here is a pic what 19 weeks of lo.ven.ox injections look like:

Say Cheese – This week my baby is getting that yucky stuff you see some newborns born with. A protective substance called vernix caseosa (vernix is the Latin word for varnish; caseosa is cheese) Mini is also approx. Six inches long and about eight ounces in weight. Mini is the size of a large mango. (reminds me of a SNL skit – no touchie the Mango) Which is the way I feel about strangers rubbing/touching my belly!

DREAMS: My dreams are back and in full swing – here are the less creepy/more recent ones

I had my very first dream about My baby, This baby on Friday night/Saturday Morning. This dream was much much different than any other dream I have had in the past. Somehow I knew it was a dream about this current baby on the way. I got to see a face of the baby and was told the sex. All other dreams (until this dream) have been very vague in the past. I never usually see a face it always hazy or blurred and they are always gender neutral and wrapped in green or yellow swaddling. My baby was very distinct and clearly wrapped in a pink/flowered blanket that I bought to give to my MIL almost 4 yrs ago (that is currently lying on the guest bed) and never ended up giving it to her. In the dream, My mom went to the hospital to "pick up" my baby and bring it back to me because I wanted to be “surprised”, while I stayed at home and waited! WEIRD, yes ya think?!??!, She the pink wrapped baby to me and told me she was a girl and that we needed to give her a name. (Think I have lost it yet? – there is one more)
The second dream, Sunday Night/Monday Morning – This dream was about feeding what looked like the same exact baby girl from the first dream, a bottle. They (not really sure who “they” were) were trying to feed her bad formula that had set out for over 2 hours because they didn't want to waste it.(at my parents house but with different furniture). I was not there, they were babysitting and I walked in and found them talking about how “she” needed a bottle and to just grab the last one on the counter because she didn’t finish it. I was all frustrated trying to figure out why they made an 8 oz bottle for a 2 month old.


Speaking of things I never thought I would get/have to do – make a list of whom I wanted to attend MY baby shower. I did that this week. WHOA was that ever interesting. I realized that it was quite a different list than I would have thought about pre- pregnancy. Being a shower thrower of many years- I thought I would want the whole wide world there – Now that I was asked to compile a list – It is about1/4 of the list. I have decided that I feel more secure and comfortable with just a few friends/family that are aware of my situation. I advised my sister to tell my parents that if they wanted to have a heavier guest list after the baby was born for “Mini has Arrived” Party. I am all gun-ho for that, but would like to keep the shower guest list down as much as humanly possible. We’ll see how that goes.

Rattlings in my Head

There are some really horrible things going on in the blog community - Please send your thoughts and comments if you'd like to: Me and Steve and Alexa. I wish there was more I could do to make things like this never ever happen or to heal the hurting hearts. But I am not in control all I can do is think of them and send them warm thoughts. I really feel a bond that is unique between this community - Please know you all are in my thoughts



p-word talks - skip to the red font if you want:
(spell check is broken)
To answer a few questions:

I was told at my last OB's appointment that I would have an anatomy scan (with an MFM) before my next OB appointment which would be Feb 7th (thursday at 11). It's Feb 4th- and the MFM's office still has not called and my OB nurse keeps ensuring me they will call .... At first this was very frustrating to me - now I have calmed down and it doesn't even bother me - except that I was told someting that hasn't happened (pet peeve).

E and I have gone back and fort on whether we wanted to find out the sex of the baby. I wasn't sure at first and he said he doesn't care. This waiting time has given me some time to process my thoughts and understand what I want for me. As of today since my opinion changes hourly, I want to know. I do not think that I could handle the Dr's knowing and not me. I like to know things. Plus it does seem easier with the way baby showers/baby products/clothes/American Traditions are all done these days. (on the record - I would feel much more comfortable with a "the baby is here party" but that is not the way things are done and I am trying to go with the flow). I am excited don't get me wrong, But it just seems like that whole "counting chickens before they hatch" thing. (Or Maybe it's more evidence that I need therapy.)

I am going to express my interest in knowing the sex at my thurdays appointment and see if they can help me out with this. Either an U/S or a call to the MFM dr's office and see if I can have an appointment soon ..something. I will admit that I am more concern with seeing all organs that will be developing nicely (crossed fingers) than the sex. The sex scan is just a bonus. Although I also think that knowing the sex will help me (in a few areas of things I am dealing with). It does not matter either way what the sex results are. But I am looking forward in decorating and picking out items. The baby world has made it quite difficult to plan if you do not know. Maybe I am once again, overthinking (or un-american). There is part of me that still does not want to know - but there is part of me that likes to "plan". This is why I really haven't pushed the issue at all. See I am still really conflicted by this ... sorry if it seems tedious to some since i know there are alot of really horrible things going on in our blog community.

On another note: I was tagged by a few people- here we go:
The Rules:

1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

1) My H.igh Sc.hool mascot is a Sp.ong.er (sp.ong.e div.er yes ..really.. I know it's weird) and yes we did get made fun of alot
2) I absolutely can not sing - but I can turn it up in the car and try really hard!
3) I am not a big fan of Soup - Maybe because it never gets real cool long enough here - But I just don't care for it that much
4) I married one of the kindest, gentlest souls on the planet. There truly needs to be more like him. His generousity, heart, and wisdom amaze me. (and shame me often). He is just genuinely one of the nicest people you will ever meet. Despite his upbringing, and lack of support/good role models, He is a true Gentleman.
5) I adore the ocean. I get lost in it's power and beauty. The sound of waves and chirping seabirds help heal my soul.
6) I think that the blogs I read are people that I wish I lived closer to. I have gotten an opportunity to read many of your stories and they bless me and encourage me and keep me going more than you may ever know.

If you want - consider yourself tagged