Thursday, April 7, 2011

4yrs, 2 months, 4 days

I missed my Real Blogoversary by 2 months and 4 days. It was Feb 3rd if you were doing the math. But, It is never too late to Celebrate and Eat Cake, Right?! Rhetorical Question AND If you would answer is Yes .. You probably want to Move on. For those of us who are always up for Cake, Here ya go - Take a Piece, Please, There is plenty. Oh, I should also mention, It has NO calories. Eat as much as you like (picture borrowed from here)

When I saw this cake, I KNEW it was the One. ( i could have photo-shopped the names out but i was too lazy) I have shed many tears over the past 4 yrs 2 months and 4 days. Happy tears, Angry Tears, Perplexed Tears, Hopeful Tears, Joyful Tear,Sad Tears but all Tears nonetheless. I have shed tears for many of my bloggie buddies. Over the past 16 months, I have missed blogging, I have missed myself, I have missed the friends I made. I have missed the Community, I have missed many things but unsure how to jump in and trek on.

As a year ends, I do like to reflect try to wipe the slate clean. Take the experiences but leave the crippling parts in order to moving forward. So as I reflect, I admit that I was absent for the past 16 ish months and have a debt to pay. So I will give you the Cliffs Notes Version:

With Husbands new hours, We decided that it was best for me to quit my career, find a part time job to help bring in some income and be the Full time Caregiver to our 6 month old son. Our math skills indicated that whether I found a part time job and kept MT out of Daycare, or kept my same job and paid for daycare, the bottom line would be the same. There were many other variables that led us to our decision. SO, I quit my job and found a pt job in a nursing home cafeteria. A few months later, We discovered we were pregnant again ,, Insert Gasp here. I think it took 20 some weeks to REALLY accept it all. (I didn't know we were pregnant again til I was 8 weeks along So around 30 weeks pregnant, I finally started processing that we were going to have another baby boy) I was so full of emotions. I eventually had to quitting my part time job because of the dynamics of our new family life, conflicts with schedules and childcare, and being pregnant.

After Army arrived, E's brother lived with us for a while And I discovered couponing. So I started budgeting and doing all I could to save money. I also started cleaning a few houses here and there when I had family to watch my children . I still clean houses if asked and I can get my parents or E to watch the kids.

My parents are not all that reliable though. My mother was Dx with bip.olar disor.der a few yrs ago and she can not handle much. (more here) Over the yrs it has gotten worse (much much worse-hospitalization worse) instead of better. We just cannot seem to find her the right kind of help. We ARE looking, We ARE requesting she help us look.... And My dad Ugh, My Dad is working as many jobs as he can to keep all of their bills paid and keep a roof over their head.

So, I had hormones, overwhelming changes, 2 babies, a loss of income, a spouse that we only see every 3 days, Emotions that I did not know how to process or share with others, sleep deprivation (Army still does not sleep through the night* another post for another time), Major anxiety. It is just life, and I was frustrated with myself for not being able to cope. I was mad and frustrated with myself for not being able to just get over myself and just move on. I was Major overwhelmed and could not figure out and still struggle figuring out how to just be Whelmed. Not underwhelmed or Overwhelmed .... Just Whelmed.

Due to my mother's circumstance, I have refused all anxiety/anti depressants and am not sure if that was/is a sound decision. I was depressed. I was hanging on by a thread.. I was Dark. I did not have any thoughts of harm but I did not want to get out of my house, Did not want to see people. But I could not figure out how and to whom to ask for help from. I was trying to ask for help, I just am not good at it.

Looking back I see it now, I talked to a few drs and counselors and they think I have PPD and PTSD .. I thought it was "Oh Crap my Metal Capacity is Full and I just want Sleep or and extra arm/lap/body". I still may be in denial. I thought outside factors were just bombarding me and I was being a whiny baby ... I am still debating some anxiety meds, because that is where the majority of my problem lies right now. When things get familiarly uncomfortable, I feel the Anxiety creep up on me and That is what I need to deal with the most.

But then I look at these completely adorable, loving and innocent faces. They grow up more every day. They make me want to be the best person I can be. They help me experience life at different perspectives. I melt when they learn something new. I could not imagine life w/o them, in fact, I can't remember life w/o them much. I am completely immersed and dedicated to them with every fiber of my being. I never knew I could love this deep.

SO there is my yr/yr and a half. AND why I am back. I realize blogging IS therapy! I need this ..For me. So Happy Birthday, I am GLAD to be Back! Hope you enjoyed the cake


HereWeGoAJen said...

Happy blog birthday!

You had a lot going on to be overwhelmed with. I hope that a balance finds you soon.

Anonymous said...

That is a holy hell of a lot going on! Glad you can find some solace in your little internet space. We are hear to listen!

BigP's Heather said...

Glad to hear what is going on with you! Glad you are back!!!

Happy Blogoversary!

Suzy, Not a Fertile Myrtle said...

Happy blogger birthday! No wonder we didn't hear from you.

It is so wonderful to have you back again!

Sending you loads of love!!!

JJ said...

Happy Blog Birthday--still remember you being one of the first bloggers I connected with.

So glad you are back to writing and hopefully this space will be helpful again for you to vent and just BE.

Caro said...

Welcome back, love the cake.

Scrappin with the bug said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Thankful Terri said...

*** Sorry I was logged under my other blog which I use for scrpabooking*** Happy blog birthday... Welcome back you have been missed.
Your little men are so adorable. Glad you doing ok. I can only imagine how overwhelming you have felt - hang in there.

Christy said...

Happy bloggy birthday! I, for one, am glad you are back, even though we keep up on FB. I totally get you on the anxiety front. I had to finally do something about it, and a little over a year ago, started taking a little something-something. Let me tell you, life isn't perfect now, however, the big plus is that I don't have anxiety attacks to deal with on top of life's stresses.

Anonymous said...

You are awesome! Love that cake! Sooooo much on your plate - wow. Glad to have you back, and I hope that even writing that one post was helpful for you.

Barb said...

It is so hard to see when you are in the midst of it. My Sis has anxiety meds that help her much. I would have gone there had I not improved with therapy etc. I won't lie. I was just getting more normal at 6 mos pp. Had I got pg then, I think my brain would have exploded. It would have been bad. Please take care of you and do what feels right

Kathy said...

A Belated and Very Happy 4th Blogoversary Farah! :)

I am so glad you are back to blogging more often. I totally appreciate the many reasons for your absence and similarly took some time off from blogging regularly after Abby was born.

I agree that it feels good to be getting back in the swing of things and reconnecting with old bloggy friends and making some new ones.

Also, I can appreciate the situation you are in with your mom. I have a few family members and close friends that have been diagnosed and dealt with bipolar/manic depression over the years and I know how hard it is for them and their loved ones. You may know that there are some great books and support groups for family members out there.

I hope that you get to that "whelmed" place soon. Hang in there. Sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way.