When I saw this cake, I KNEW it was the One. ( i could have photo-shopped the names out but i was too lazy) I have shed many tears over the past 4 yrs 2 months and 4 days. Happy tears, Angry Tears, Perplexed Tears, Hopeful Tears, Joyful Tear,Sad Tears but all Tears nonetheless. I have shed tears for many of my bloggie buddies. Over the past 16 months, I have missed blogging, I have missed myself, I have missed the friends I made. I have missed the Community, I have missed many things but unsure how to jump in and trek on.
As a year ends, I do like to reflect try to wipe the slate clean. Take the experiences but leave the crippling parts in order to moving forward. So as I reflect, I admit that I was absent for the past 16 ish months and have a debt to pay. So I will give you the Cliffs Notes Version:
With Husbands new hours, We decided that it was best for me to quit my career, find a part time job to help bring in some income and be the Full time Caregiver to our 6 month old son. Our math skills indicated that whether I found a part time job and kept MT out of Daycare, or kept my same job and paid for daycare, the bottom line would be the same. There were many other variables that led us to our decision. SO, I quit my job and found a pt job in a nursing home cafeteria. A few months later, We discovered we were pregnant again ,, Insert Gasp here. I think it took 20 some weeks to REALLY accept it all. (I didn't know we were pregnant again til I was 8 weeks along So around 30 weeks pregnant, I finally started processing that we were going to have another baby boy) I was so full of emotions. I eventually had to quitting my part time job because of the dynamics of our new family life, conflicts with schedules and childcare, and being pregnant.
After Army arrived, E's brother lived with us for a while And I discovered couponing. So I started budgeting and doing all I could to save money. I also started cleaning a few houses here and there when I had family to watch my children . I still clean houses if asked and I can get my parents or E to watch the kids.
My parents are not all that reliable though. My mother was Dx with bip.olar disor.der a few yrs ago and she can not handle much. (more here) Over the yrs it has gotten worse (much much worse-hospitalization worse) instead of better. We just cannot seem to find her the right kind of help. We ARE looking, We ARE requesting she help us look.... And My dad Ugh, My Dad is working as many jobs as he can to keep all of their bills paid and keep a roof over their head.
So, I had hormones, overwhelming changes, 2 babies, a loss of income, a spouse that we only see every 3 days, Emotions that I did not know how to process or share with others, sleep deprivation (Army still does not sleep through the night* another post for another time), Major anxiety. It is just life, and I was frustrated with myself for not being able to cope. I was mad and frustrated with myself for not being able to just get over myself and just move on. I was Major overwhelmed and could not figure out and still struggle figuring out how to just be Whelmed. Not underwhelmed or Overwhelmed .... Just Whelmed.
Due to my mother's circumstance, I have refused all anxiety/anti depressants and am not sure if that was/is a sound decision. I was depressed. I was hanging on by a thread.. I was Dark. I did not have any thoughts of harm but I did not want to get out of my house, Did not want to see people. But I could not figure out how and to whom to ask for help from. I was trying to ask for help, I just am not good at it.
Looking back I see it now, I talked to a few drs and counselors and they think I have PPD and PTSD .. I thought it was "Oh Crap my Metal Capacity is Full and I just want Sleep or and extra arm/lap/body". I still may be in denial. I thought outside factors were just bombarding me and I was being a whiny baby ... I am still debating some anxiety meds, because that is where the majority of my problem lies right now. When things get familiarly uncomfortable, I feel the Anxiety creep up on me and That is what I need to deal with the most.
But then I look at these completely adorable, loving and innocent faces. They grow up more every day. They make me want to be the best person I can be. They help me experience life at different perspectives. I melt when they learn something new. I could not imagine life w/o them, in fact, I can't remember life w/o them much. I am completely immersed and dedicated to them with every fiber of my being. I never knew I could love this deep.
SO there is my yr/yr and a half. AND why I am back. I realize blogging IS therapy! I need this ..For me. So Happy Birthday, I am GLAD to be Back! Hope you enjoyed the cake