Subconscious or Not

I have a case of writer's block and where do we go from here-itis. So, This is my attempt to get over the hump.

I was watching the New version of the Hottest Zip Code in Cal. and it occurred to me that I have never shared our accidental naming connection to the Old version of the hottest Zip Code in Cal.

MT - the Almost 3 yr old (HOLY COW, WHAT?!) Has a name in Common with This Actor: (this actor and I also have the same birth day but different years - he is a few yrs older) MT's name is part of This Actors Real name and not part of his name on the Show

Army ( the 17 month old) Has a name in common with This Actor: Army's name is part of this actors name on the show.

It was not intentional to name my children after this show BUT I will admit to being a huge fan of this series Back in the day And may have watched it back to back a few times. When I was pregnant w/ MT, I did record it on the soap channel and watch it in order every night during my whole pregnancy. I may or may not even own a Do.nna Ma.rtin Gra.dua.tes Tshirt

We discovered this one night a few months after Army was born. It made for a good chuckle. I have actually only shared this nugget with one other person.

Cute Baby Saturday

Yes, I am well aware that it is Sunday but, ya' know how the rest goes: So as usual I'm late. BUT just by 1 day.

Yesterday, I went to my parents to see if they could assist me in getting a decent picture of the kids in their new easter outfits. Here is the outtakes: I'll l et you guess how it went.

There are so many more w/ my parents arms in them holding the kids down, Snarls, blurs, shots of no heads, no bodies, etc. This was the cutest of the failed attempts. So, after ~ 200 snaps, unhappy children and stressed out adults, We decided to cut our losses and try again at a later time. Then as I was going through the picture on the computer yesterday during Naptime. I found and tried my best to Salvage this one:

Stroller Option Help

I am debating over a dble jogging stroller or a bike/trailer combo so I am going to ask the www. Here is the info: l could use as much help as possible. If you have opinions or thoughts please leave them or pass this along to anyone that can help We live in an area of town that allows us to walk to produce stands, grocery and drugs stores, restaurants, parks and events. I can load a stroller and get 1/2 way to our destination quicker than loading 2 kids in car seats and waiting for traffic, parking and unloading 2 kids out of car seats. If I got a bike/trailer combo, I could go to the beaches and other areas/events of town that are a bit farther to walk to but not too far to bike to. (i am afraid that walking could take more time than the kids would tolerate)

• I estimate that either choice will equally be about the same monetary commitment.


• How hard is it to pull the kids around in a trailer (my kids only weigh 46 lbs together)


• If I get a bike trailer I want one that can be used as a stroller once I get someplace some times - Is this practical?


• What are downfalls or drawbacks I should know about if you have either.


• What brands to you suggest/not suggest

What else to Do need to consider?

Ink and Bling

Thank you for all the Bloggie Birthday Wishes, I appreciate them. I already have started to feel that foggy stuffy, heavy feeling of anguish lift off me.

Last night I was watching the new season of that house wife show that is based in NY.C. They introduced a new castmate for the season. (not that it completely matters -but she did do IVM to become pregnant with her twins who are now 16 months old and just watching the first episode I could write about 4 blogs on idiotic misnomers ) The twins happen to be the same age as my youngest. Another fun fact - she posted that she weighed 200 lbs when she was pregnant w/ the twins and HOLY COW , Look at her now ?!. Motivation for me! I can do this ;) ok None of that is actually the topic is which really intrigued me.

She owns a salon. This Salon. Which brings me to what I can't stop thinking of and the marketing possibilities I can help her with. Her salons perform Va.jazz.les AND Pe.nazzle.s!

(oh the unwanted googling traffic I may get) And if that wasn't enough for you, She has now is adding Va.tooing .. I am totally serious! If you don't believe me, Look Here.. Watching these Videos got me thinking - She is Missing a whole different level of clientele ... AND Therapy for her Business.

I mean think of this - Fertility treatments and procedures are ALL ABOUT down there .. You know where ..Ok so,Yes, I am totally going to Go there:

Imagine: Here I am going to the RE/Gyn/OB for Di.ldocam U/S #4 ...... I could go in a get a Va.too or Va'b.ling (yes, I just made up that word) "#4" FOR FUN And pampering And to lighten the Mood. Make it Playful. You know, give me that Extra " I've got a va.too/Va.bling and you will never know" feeling as you pass people in the parking lot or sit in the waiting room ...

Or Get a lil Jazzle for IVF #2, or IUI#1, on and on ..... Put a lil Perk in your step and get a lil bling. Yes? No? Or maybe I have completely lost my mind.

I think it would be hilarious, fun, and pampering to make a few of these appointments before heading to the Frt Clinics. I mean, let's start embracing our bodies. I know it may Seem a lil out there. But I think it sounds slightly Fun and Flirty.

I just think that the IF procedures or so violating and impersonal, Why not.. Have some fun with it. Anything to help get us through it. AND who knows, Maybe it helps put some Pizazz and Spunk back in your relationship ... I know I could have used some spunk and pizazz in that department. Just sayin'

What do you think?

4yrs, 2 months, 4 days

I missed my Real Blogoversary by 2 months and 4 days. It was Feb 3rd if you were doing the math. But, It is never too late to Celebrate and Eat Cake, Right?! Rhetorical Question AND If you would answer is Yes .. You probably want to Move on. For those of us who are always up for Cake, Here ya go - Take a Piece, Please, There is plenty. Oh, I should also mention, It has NO calories. Eat as much as you like (picture borrowed from here)

When I saw this cake, I KNEW it was the One. ( i could have photo-shopped the names out but i was too lazy) I have shed many tears over the past 4 yrs 2 months and 4 days. Happy tears, Angry Tears, Perplexed Tears, Hopeful Tears, Joyful Tear,Sad Tears but all Tears nonetheless. I have shed tears for many of my bloggie buddies. Over the past 16 months, I have missed blogging, I have missed myself, I have missed the friends I made. I have missed the Community, I have missed many things but unsure how to jump in and trek on.

As a year ends, I do like to reflect try to wipe the slate clean. Take the experiences but leave the crippling parts in order to moving forward. So as I reflect, I admit that I was absent for the past 16 ish months and have a debt to pay. So I will give you the Cliffs Notes Version:

With Husbands new hours, We decided that it was best for me to quit my career, find a part time job to help bring in some income and be the Full time Caregiver to our 6 month old son. Our math skills indicated that whether I found a part time job and kept MT out of Daycare, or kept my same job and paid for daycare, the bottom line would be the same. There were many other variables that led us to our decision. SO, I quit my job and found a pt job in a nursing home cafeteria. A few months later, We discovered we were pregnant again ,, Insert Gasp here. I think it took 20 some weeks to REALLY accept it all. (I didn't know we were pregnant again til I was 8 weeks along So around 30 weeks pregnant, I finally started processing that we were going to have another baby boy) I was so full of emotions. I eventually had to quitting my part time job because of the dynamics of our new family life, conflicts with schedules and childcare, and being pregnant.

After Army arrived, E's brother lived with us for a while And I discovered couponing. So I started budgeting and doing all I could to save money. I also started cleaning a few houses here and there when I had family to watch my children . I still clean houses if asked and I can get my parents or E to watch the kids.

My parents are not all that reliable though. My mother was Dx with bip.olar disor.der a few yrs ago and she can not handle much. (more here) Over the yrs it has gotten worse (much much worse-hospitalization worse) instead of better. We just cannot seem to find her the right kind of help. We ARE looking, We ARE requesting she help us look.... And My dad Ugh, My Dad is working as many jobs as he can to keep all of their bills paid and keep a roof over their head.

So, I had hormones, overwhelming changes, 2 babies, a loss of income, a spouse that we only see every 3 days, Emotions that I did not know how to process or share with others, sleep deprivation (Army still does not sleep through the night* another post for another time), Major anxiety. It is just life, and I was frustrated with myself for not being able to cope. I was mad and frustrated with myself for not being able to just get over myself and just move on. I was Major overwhelmed and could not figure out and still struggle figuring out how to just be Whelmed. Not underwhelmed or Overwhelmed .... Just Whelmed.

Due to my mother's circumstance, I have refused all anxiety/anti depressants and am not sure if that was/is a sound decision. I was depressed. I was hanging on by a thread.. I was Dark. I did not have any thoughts of harm but I did not want to get out of my house, Did not want to see people. But I could not figure out how and to whom to ask for help from. I was trying to ask for help, I just am not good at it.

Looking back I see it now, I talked to a few drs and counselors and they think I have PPD and PTSD .. I thought it was "Oh Crap my Metal Capacity is Full and I just want Sleep or and extra arm/lap/body". I still may be in denial. I thought outside factors were just bombarding me and I was being a whiny baby ... I am still debating some anxiety meds, because that is where the majority of my problem lies right now. When things get familiarly uncomfortable, I feel the Anxiety creep up on me and That is what I need to deal with the most.

But then I look at these completely adorable, loving and innocent faces. They grow up more every day. They make me want to be the best person I can be. They help me experience life at different perspectives. I melt when they learn something new. I could not imagine life w/o them, in fact, I can't remember life w/o them much. I am completely immersed and dedicated to them with every fiber of my being. I never knew I could love this deep.

SO there is my yr/yr and a half. AND why I am back. I realize blogging IS therapy! I need this ..For me. So Happy Birthday, I am GLAD to be Back! Hope you enjoyed the cake

Dress Rehersal

After all is said and done - I may write a potty training memoir:

Yesterday my dad had MT and I had Army for the morning. Army and I went to P.anera for breakfast and next door is a TJma.x. We were really just out of the house just to be out. I was perusing the racks and came across the perfect pair of shorts for our Easter Ensemble (this is close to shorts what I bought to be worn w/ pink polos). I have this need to match my children as much as possible.* Of course, they did not have 2 pair. So I spent the majority of the morning tracking down another pair. I am so excited about their outfits, I hope they all work out. The other pair was found out of state so they are mailing them to us.

Another reason I am so excited about Easter is that E is off work ON Easter. He will not be brown bagging it this yr. He will be able to celebrate w/ us for the first time in 7 yrs. . Hooray!

So with the thought of ,all of us, as a family, being together for Easter, I decided, we all needed coordinating outfits for a Kodak moment. Yes I am totally a southern girl at heart...

So last night, I was checking out the department store websites and found a few cute dresses that I liked ..then I some how got looking at bathing suits .. and found options I liked at the same store ..

This morning, after breakfast, I was either feeling overly confident or extremely delusional from sleep deprivation (we will eventually get around to discussing this) and decided to pack up the kids and go to the mall.

As soon as we pulled into a parking spot, MT (who has been potty trained for a few months but has Sporadic hours/days of accidents after accidents) announced that he has to go pee pee NOW. Army was asleep in his carseat. After I verified he just had to pee. I requested him to pee in between the car doors (i can't believe I typed that or even did it-file that under things you do in a pinch, while learning to potty) Then I unloaded the stroller and wasted some time to let Army get a decent quick nap. A few moments later, we were off. I found 3 dresses I liked. So we went in the dressing room to try them on .. I was armed with toys, books and snacks. In the midst of trying on the 2nd dress, I hear, "I have to go pee pee more" .... as I am pulling the dress over my head ..I hurriedly scurried to get My clothes on, books picked up, Kids in the stroller, I knew the bathroom was only next door, 30 yrds away - Off we went racing time and a 2 yr old bladder. I begged of him to not pee pee in his big boy pants .... Knowing this was most likely going to end poorly. And it did. And my nerves fried and my confidence level took another hit, My tag team nemesis, Anxiety and Defeated, plowed over me on their horses

These are the situations that hold the most anxiety for me. No escape routes .. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Outnumbered is the name of the game. These scenarios make for loads of anxiety AND creativity. It is what happens when there is 2 toddlers and 1 mommy. Practice makes better practice, That is what I have to keep reminding myself so that I do not run and recluse back into my shell. These situations are what give me PTSD about leaving my house some days.

Then someday, all things just work out in our favor and I feel like I have the bull by the horns. Those days boost my confidence, I like those days A lot.

*reason 1- it is super cute, reason 2- you do not have to keep track of 2 outfits if one gets lost, and if 2 kids are in same outfit most assume they belong together, therefore I have to use less brain power and that is ALWAYS a good thing

It's not you, It's me

So I have been trying to figure out how to keep the blog topics going. I saw a blog the other day that really spoke to me. I thought this idea was fantastic But I have something weighing my heart down that I can't wait until Wednesday. So I am dumping it now. In fact, It is one of the reasons I Am back to blogging.

Things I have learned about myself over the years: (not in any particular order)

• I am an honest person, Honest to a fault. (the good, bad, ugly)
• I get nervous around certain types of people and say stupid stuff
• I am a deep thinker.
• that it is best to control my tongue
• Common Sense is not at all Common
• know your audience
• it is a small world (people know people, six degrees of KB)
• never say/write anything you are not comfortable having to defend or back up
• Perspective is Relative and most-likely will be used against you out of context
• I am a loyal, passionate person.

I have a very direct moral compass for myself. I feel it is just who I am. It is a part of me. My moral compass is Mine. It is not used as a judging/measuring system for anyone other than myself, it is Just Mine. It is meant to just guide me. I am well aware that everyone has their own compass that leads them. Our compasses are not all set going the same directions. And I am at peace with this. (well the more accurate statement would be that I am at peace with this as much as possible and learning to become more at peace with this every day)

What I am trying to admit/say/type out loud (or is it outblog) is that I have a hard time keeping close friends. I can make friends, I can hang out with people. I enjoy a good conversation, I can keep a conversation going and building. I love people, I am friendly, But I do not want to be close friends with everyone I meet. Just because I know you does not mean that I think you have to be a close friend of mine. I am ok with the word, Acquaintances. (don't get caught up on semantics and labels) Maybe it is the FB Movement that has me thinking of these such terms.

I am an oxymoron. I say I am honest, And that is the truth and in that same sentence, I am about to admit that I keep people at arms reach. Is that being honest?! I have a hard time letting people in. Unless I feel that soothing comfort that some people just ooze. You know what I am talking about. Some people just have that sweet sweet aura about them. They are just welcoming and genuine. I adore these people. You could possibly say that I strive to be like those people - but we all know that it is not something you can achieve - It is one of those things that Just IS. Either you have it or you don't.

It takes a very long time for me to develop a very personal friendship. I am an onion. With all of that said, Over the past yr, I made a friend and she had friends for my children. It was superb. And then like a lot of my friendships - something happened**, and it drifted away.

Just like that, the friendships fade. I go into this self preservation mode where I just hang out w/ myself and my husband and a very few amount of friends, lick my wounds and try to get back on the horse and carry on for my children s sake. But this is the first time it actually involves children. My children and their play-pals. And my children deserve opportunities and play pals. I have tried to keep up our normal play pals and just press on - but Like my blog title states Awkward Moments lingered and cause me unnecessary anxiety. and If i am uncomfortable, I just become awkward and awkward only makes more awkward. And I am sure that this is not news to many, there are some women that truly just enjoy a good gossip session - whether it be true or false - it is never fun to find out there is misinformation directed towards you and whether you speak up or let it continue, things have already been said and only actions and time will tell the truth.

So, Here I am. Feeling like I did when I was 10. I couldn't figure out why we had to pick sides and play mind games back then and I am still at a loss.

**the something involves a lot of nonsense that could have been avoided and contains petty drama that left an extremely terrible taste in my mouth. Of course there are 3 sides to every story ( the truth, your perspective, and mine) and I am trying to be delicate to the situation since it is still personal and involves other people that cannot defend/retract themselves) no one particular thing is completely at fault

But wanna see something Cute: