Monday, November 10, 2008

So Much to Say

Where do I begin ...... 120 post all marked as read .. I hated to do it but had to. I love google reader that allows you to just read all items. I skimmed and didn't comment much at all. Congrats to those that had babies while I was away. So very exciting.

Well, It's been a week since I really had full computer use. Last Sunday, MT and I drove to my sister's. He slept the entire trip. I left late hoping he would sleep the whole way. (5 hours) He was not aware that there was a time change so that gave me an extra hour of daylight to drive. *He still is not aware of the time change. He wants to go to bed about an hour before we want him to go to bed thus waking up earlier. We have been gradually stretching this out. Seems like today, we finally have it worked out.

My sister and I took care of all the final details and managed to get most everything done before E and My parents arrived Wednesday night. Thursday, My dad and I made food for the reception that my sister requested and managed to do it in record time. Everything just went really smooth. (of course there were some not so pleasant times, but we seems to work through them to give the whole weekend a peaceful feeling)

This weekend, "making babies" was a huge topic. You know, When you get married, You are supposed to automatically discuss this topic (insert sarcastic overtone).. .. Discuss Grand babies, Children, How many you want to have, when you are thinking about having them ...... etc.. "We aren't getting younger: .....I have decided that we totally rush things and spend mental/verbal/imaginary time in conversations/daydreams/thoughts and we totally should not. This is when I believe anxiety and mental anguish begins. And this is unfair to do to ourselves .... It's romanticised up .. I think it can be an an injustice to some. My sister is a very unique individual, This is going to be a HUGE change for her life. (marriage) I respect her for the way she has chosen to live her life.. I do... It is a life of Integrity. It is her life and not mine .. She is able to live it the way she wants to ... My sister and I had a REALLY good talk Tuesday night. I discovered some very deep, dark feeling on a topic that we had discussed before. Birth Control. My sister is terrified that she may have to have an experience with IF. She has her own views on BC. She has also stated that she is not ready to be a parent yet. *Since blogging, I have found an understanding for differences. Her views of this topic are somewhat different from mine and I try my very best to accept that. But, Let me tell you that it is MUCH easier to accept a difference of opinion from someone other than your younger sibling. ..sigh, I wish I were a better person, I wish I knew my feelings and emotions better so I could explain them more clearly.. After having a conversation about family planning (read: a yelling match until I figured out why I was yelling)... I realized how much emotional baggage I am still holding onto from my own IF journey. Yes, I said it... It still bothers me deeply. I have a baby and I still have not let go of all my hurt, anger and despair. I have now changed my thoughts on that subject now. Pre Baby Me - somehow didn't think about how I would cope/deal with alot of the baby topics. And it is not going as I expected. My sister even said that Since I had MT she assumed that all those negative hurtful feelings just disappear or go away .. I shared with her how deep those feelings go ... She was blown away that I was so candid and raw. Just a blubbering mess really ... I cried and cried and sobbed for what seemed like forever .. I actually cried myself to sleep. I have been running on adrenaline and exhaustion for quite some time that I just had never had time to think about these topics much. but faced with the discussions .. I crumpled .. I still have miles to go with digging up these feelings and dealing with them, but I hope one day I am truly able to embrace all pregnancies w/out envy or jealousy. I want to be able to genuinely be happy for whomever ... I do not want to feel the hair on the back of my neck draw up and my mind want to retreat and run or spit venom...

Ok on another note. I am reading this book ..I am just thoroughly enjoying this book. It is knocking my socks off .. I am in awe of this story .. A few more chapters and I will be done ..I may re-read it again

MT had his follow up appointment with the pediatric urologist today. Luckily, his minor ad.hes.ion's and a hydr.ocele have mostly corrected itself. The h.ydrocele did not turn out to be a her.nia and that part will not require surgery. The adhesion's ,on the other hand, have become very loose (which is partly a good thing - but partly a bad thing) but will require surgery. So, On Dec 22, MT will have the surgery to correct the issue. I am just nervous about this .... I just wish this didn't have to turn out this way for him ... He will never remember is what I am hoping

You know you just wanted to see pictures and I prolonged it:
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15 comments:

Jen said...

I love that dress on you! Lovely.

I am sure that MT will not remember this surgery. My littlest brother in law had to have major eye surgery when he was tiny and he doesn't remember it at all. He turned out pretty good too.

Amanda said...

You look so great! I'm jealous sinceI'm bigger than I was pre-pregnancy. Blah. But still happy for you :)

Those dresses are my absolute favorie shade of green, by the way.

Geohde said...

The pain never does go away, but it changes. At least for me. Who knows how I'll feel when I try for another baby. I don't have the strength to do all THAT again....

J

Rachel Inbar said...

Amazing pictures :-)

I too have had to mark a gazillion posts read without reading them. I just don't have the time anymore.

I didn't quite understand what you were saying about your sister - where her views differ from yours - I hope you'll find ways to understand her.

Jen said...

You look beautiful! Welcome home! Your sister's pictures are awesome! The sting with IF never leaves. As I shared before I am done having children, by my own choice, but somehow everytime someone tells me they are pg, I get a knot in my stomach. I have to work myself back and remind myself that I can let this go. Easier said than done. It probably will never go away, but hopefully hurt less in the future. Also, my sisters also were worried about IF an both of them got pg the first month they tried.... sigh

Christy said...

You look absolutely wonderful and all the girls together are absolutely adorable.

Yup, you are right, the hurt doesn't go away, it just lies dormant while we care for the baby we so longed for. Maybe one day it will get easier . . .

I read that book too, absolutely LOVED it, and I'm looking forward to having time to read it again . . .

Oh, and welcome back, I missed you!

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I'm fairly certain that as long as I live I will never truly be over my IF issues, though I definitely feel like I've come to a place of acceptance. I hope and pray that with time the pain will ease for you.

As for the surgery, I'm certain MT will not remember. I'll be thinking of you guys!!! ((HUGS))

Amanda said...

Even at 33 weeks pregnant I feel a sting when another cousin (or husbands co-worker) announces their pregnancy. Although I wouldn't wish IF on anyone, I do often feel that everyone should have to have at least a little struggle to get pregnant.

As far as your sister...well...you know how I feel about it. And just the fact that you are able to realize where you're feeling about it are coming from, that's a huge step!

MT will come through his surgery wonderfully! And he'll never remember it.

The pictures look wonderful. What a beautiful bridal party!!

JJ said...

Oo such a pretty color--you look fab!
Definitely keeping you and MT in my thoughts as the surgery approaches!

AJ's mommy said...

the wedding pictures are gorgeous!

MT will be fine.. I know it is scary... but he will be just fine!

T-Mommy said...

WOOOOOW, you look awesome! The dress is beautiful!

I also believe that the IF pain doesn't go away, it just evolves.

I hope the surgery goes smooth and you are in my thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery!subs

Photogrl said...

The pictures are beautiful...YOU looked beautiful!

You know that I struggle with my little sis and her feelings on starting a family, so I'm not much help there. Just know that how you feel is how you feel, don't feel bad or feel the need to apologize about it.

I'll be keeping you and MT in my thoughts as the surgery gets closer.

Kristen said...

I love the pictures! Especially the one of all of you jumping - so cute! You looked fab.

I'm glad MT doesn't have a hernia but I can completely understand your anxiety about his surgery. You all will be in my prayers as that date arrives. XOXO

Sugar and Ice said...

That bridesmaid dress is gorgeous! LOVE IT!!

I felt the same way after having LG. I thought my jealousy and insecure feelings about IF would all go away once I was a part of the mommy club, but It didn't happen that way. It's taken some serious time and prayer to get away from all that.

Elle Charlie said...

What a lovely dress - you look beautiful.

I can understand that the pain never goes away. I wish you peace in the future, and hope that time and love and MT can help.