Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Not a Consolation Prize

*there has been some changes on my sidebar - moving bloggers around because we have had a outpouring of BFP's lately -and that is super fantastic. I also changed my name to fertilize me - since that is what i am ultimately seeking and added a picture - when i chose inconceivable I didn't realize that it was going to show everytime i posted - all new to this a such and i had just finished reading inconceivable by Julia Indichova and was feeling inspired*

Believe it or not, Below is the post I originally starting writing yesterday that ended up on a totally different topic than it was supposed to.
My husband and I did something last night (now Monday night) that we have discussed at great lengths even before we were married. I have always wanted to look into this more, just didn’t know that I would be doing so under these circumstances. We went to a Foster/Adoption Orientation for the state. I signed us up for one a few days after
this Dr.’s appointment. (PLEASE, PLEASE , PLEASE, do not think that this is going to be a “just adopt” info-mercial, its quite the contrary)* i hope not to offend anyone

My husband was very reluctant to go because he was worried that I was feeling that this was my consolation prize. After we discussed this topic at great lengths the past few weeks, I think we both have a better understanding on where each of us stand on the issue and where our concerns lie. I re-assured Him that this not fulfilling a void completely, I do not think adopting and or fostering can fill the longing to be pregnant (I admit that I could be naïve about that?!?!) I also do not think that Infertility will inhibit my ability to love, care, provide for a child(s) in need that is biologically not mine. I do not think it will clout my basic ability to be a parent. (I also admit that this statement may also be naïve but I place pregnancy and parenting in 2 different categories in my head – more on this topic at a MUCH later time). I told Eric that I look at it as a win-win situation. If we go this route, I get to provide shelter and protection for a child(s) in need, and I learn about the child(s) and their needs and my ability to parent and the child(s) gets to be sheltered and protected and have needs met.

Just like fertility treatments, this is not an instantaneous gratification kind of event. It has pros and and it has cons. It has a possibility of being something great and a possibility of failing miserably. It takes alot of time, patience and mounds/forests of paperwork. We will be filling out paperwork upon paperwork, go to classes, trainings, seminars, have a home study, and questioned beyond belief. *funny part is I had to fill out paperwork in order to get the paperwork to fill out to request my interest in the program - HOW inefficient is that??*

After all of the requirements are met, we may decide that this is not the avenue in which we wish to pursue. We may decide that we want to adopt from elsewhere or not at all. We may decide that we want to foster and not worry with adoption at this time. We found out yesterday, to my sadness, that there is no more foster to adopt program (which is what we went into the oreintation wanting). You either foster, or adopt and the plan that you chose determines your training and paperwork, there isn't (as of now) a crossover from either program. This means if we chose foster, it will (most likely - 95%) be very temporary. If we chose adoption, it means that while we are going through training and paperwork, someone else will be fostering and growing a bond with the child(s) that will be placed in our home for adoption. The child(s) with not have any real contact or overnight contact in our house until after the adoption is finalized. That just seems incredible wrong to me. I will be taking the child(s) out of that home from a person who has been caring for them for however long it takes us to finalize the adoption. (like 10-12 monthish after training and lots of paperwork and court dates). So right now, neither choices are ideal to me. I preferred the foster to adopt program they had, but now this is not even offered. This has tarnished my feelings on the issue a little but not as much as making me wish to stop pursuing information and training. This investigation feels good to me. We are still in the early exploration days but I do know that my motives are pure and I just want the best for everyone in this situation. I have also committed to Eric that I am willing to try at least 2 IuI’s and depending on how my shitty ovaries respond, MAYBE a 3rd. But I will not attempt to commit to #3 until after the first one. On that note, I told Eric that in the possibility that an IuI actually result in a pregnancy that last for ~9 months and results in a real live baby that I get to take home from the hospital, I still would like to pursue the foster/adoption training regardless of the outcome. (*as all my posts, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time I need- for I am a woman and I am best at being Fickle - For I am just trying to sort out all these weird scenarios and situations that are rustling in my IF Brain that "normal" people never have to actually think about or answer on a questionaire form - and this post is not ment to offend anyone - if I do so, Please let me know so that I can apologize and be more senstive to others)

17 comments:

topcat said...

I opened the local paper this week and there was a MASSIVE full page ad on being foster carers. It's something I've always thought of doing .. so we shall see!

I think it's great to be informed about everything that's out there, so good on you. :)

Jayleigh said...

**great big hugs**

You are amazing, dear one.

Courtney said...

That is absolutely wonderful that you are looking into all options. I feel like I can't mentally get there yet, but your post gives me hope that I can.

:)

chicklet said...

I think it's really cool that you did this - I've been afraid to take that step but just investigating, maybe that would be a good thing. Good for you.

LJ said...

I'm going through the same stuff, as you know, and I agree, just from my naive perspective, that if we adopt, we want the child in our home as close to birth as possible - from a bonding standpoint.

SaraS-P said...

It is not a perfect system, but it is what is available. I wish you luck in all your pursuits, and there are no consolation prizes, only success.

Cibele said...

You are so sweet, Thanks for offering to send me "your hope" so I can have a double dose of it. Good luck with everything (Foster, adoption, IUI)... Hugs

Pamela Jeanne said...

No need to apologize. You're smart to explore all avenues available to you. The only way to know what's right for you is to learn as much as you can.

Thanks for continuing to be so supportive. I appreciate all of the encouragement your generously dispense.

Diana said...

offend? how could this possibly offend? you want to help a child and give them love? I don't get what offends, i think it is a beautiful thing to want to do and makes you and DH angels on earth.

Changing Expectations said...

Awesome! I am fostering my cousin here before long. I agree, not sure why they would have gone away from the foster to adopt program.

Heather said...

I think that's great you are looking into adoption! I would love to adopt someday. I also can't believe they don't have the foster to adopt program. It does seem wrong.

And don't discount your ovaries as not being able to respond to injects just yet! You have PCOS, you may respond very well like I did :) Although that can be nerve wracking as well because you don't want too *many* follies. Good luck with everything!

TeamWinks said...

Hmmm...where have I read a post like this one before? (Smiling) Feel free to email me about this subject any time. I'm emailing you the passwords to my foster/adoption posts. Read them at your leisure, and hopefully you can get something out of them. I broke down each and every class we went to, vented, cried, laughed, and so much more.

Email me any time.

KarenO said...

You handled this topic very sensitively, and besides, it's YOUR feelings and views and no-one can wag a finger at you for thinking your decisions through carefully and discussing all possible options. Whatever you decide in the end is the best, and yes, you're allowed to change your mind as often as you want ;)

tracey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tracey said...

Good for you for exploring all your options. You are very brave and you handled the subject with great sensitivity.

I agree -I don't think adoption and pregnancy are interchangeable or of adoption a "consolation prize". The love and the longing come from two different places.

I haven't experienced infertility personally, only second hand through two precious friends.
I do however have 3 adopted brothers and an adopted sister. We are as close as my "biological" siblings. We got to "foster to adopt" - one brother joined our family at just a few days old, the others at 3, 6 & 9 years old. The timeline for "bonding" was different for each one, but there's no difference today.

However your family develops, I'll be praying for you.

T-girl said...

There is nothing wrong with looking into different options. Actually I believe there is always something to learn even if at the end you decide that those weren't options for you.
A big hug!

Reproductive Jeans said...

We are tossing the idea around....so many choices to make on this journey.
You are a true inspiration in our community=)