Tuesday, August 7, 2007

a Whoops post - my subconscious took over

The day I found out that my Dr. wants to move to IUI’s, I went into this weird emotional state. I lost hope that it would work naturally (as if cl.omid is natural, so I dunno what my problem is – and I dunno why “natural” seems so important to me and after 4 years +, you think any way that has a chance of getting me pregnant would be very exciting to me) Along with the emotional aspects, I am struggling with the financial aspects. My husband and I do not have an excessive amount of money. We try to live w/in our means and live some what comfortable. We actually do not even own credit cards. I got in some credit card debt out of college (as do a lot of people) and my grandmother offered to pay them off and I pay her back instead of having all that interest accrue and I took her up on that offer a few yrs ago. But in the agreement, I had to stop using credit cards. I am still paying her back and we currently still do not have any credit cards. We have decent jobs, and a decent condo, and decent income, but we also still have a decent amount of car loans and student loans, and etc misc. living expenses each month. I know that I am not in the poor house at all, and I am grateful for where I am. But at the same time, I am having such an internal struggle with spending money on “attempts to make a baby”. I feel like it’s a gamble and quite possibly use of my money based on feelings and irrationality instead of logic and reasonings. As much as I may be irrational with my feelings, I am usually never irrational with my funds. As you can tell from my personality test (or if you know me), I am very literal and tend to make big life decisions based on logic, reasoning and facts. (my internal fight is between logic and feelings) I have had a job since I was 13, and I totally understand the value of the almighty dollar. With the IuI, it’s about $2000 that I may literally piss down a drain. I know that is not EVEN REMOTELY healthy to say before I even attempt to order the meds (which are about $800). I mean why would I go into this feeling ½ part doom and gloom right out of the gate …… What is wrong with me?? Is this even normal to feel just doing IuI’s?? On the Feelings side of me, I should include that in some very weird way, I am extremely excited to be moving to IuI’s!! Yes I know, I am a complete whack job, but doing something like this feels like we are moving in the right direction in order to compensate for my shitty ovaries that refuse to cooperate because they insist on suffering from PCOS. I told Eric that this process is actually very exciting for the science nerd in me. Mixing drugs, learning how all the processes are needed to help each other – that part fascinates me to the nth degree. This post was supposed to be about something TOTALLy unrelated ..i guess now that will be tomorrow’s post – sorry to keep revisiting the same topic OVER and OVER ad nausea

12 comments:

SaraS-P said...

I had the same concerns about IUI, especially the part where you don't get all that money back if it doesn't work!

I am impressed that you don't have credit cards. I have far less than in my college days, but I still have one that currently pays for all services at the clinic that aren't covered by my crappy insurance, which was everything before I got pregnant. Now I just have to pay for some things, but it still adds up!

Why is this stuff so expensive?

T-girl said...

It is just so unfair that fertility treatments are not covered by insurance!!!!...


But don't worry, once you are sure and make the decision that you want to get treatment, you will be surprised of how many ways you can do the fundraising, it is just amazing how we deal with things to find solutions!

Imogen and David said...

Yes it is a gamble and it is a lot of money. I really hope IUI works for you and you kick PCOS butt!

Kami said...

I am going to second t-girl. You will find a way to pay for it. I think I bit like you when it comes to finances. It had to make sense logically - but I don't know that the desire to have a child is all that logical. In the end, I had to let it go and just trust that we will find a way to survive. And we keep surviving despite over $60,000 we have spent in the last three years for fertility treatments. Yeah, we may never move out of our "starter" home, but I wouldn't trade a baby for a nice home.

Good luck with IUI. I enjoy the geeky side of it too - mixing drugs, learning about ICSI, etc. It is an adventure!

butterflyanla said...

I understand where you are coming from. We unfortunately don't have the celebrity wallets. J and I have a nice house, but not our dream home. We chose this house because it was a great "starter" house for a family. We live comfortably. Have no credit cards either. We are still paying student loans and I am back in school. I went to Lane B. last month because I needed clothes that fit.( I hate being smaller than current clothes but not small enough to wear the clothes from last fall.)The whole time I am trying on things I kept thinking "the money that I will spend on these jeans/shirts/etc could be used towards IF treatment" The fact is though that I just don't have any old sheets that I can fashion a "moo-moo" out of. I don't think either of us are in crisis zone where we need to cut off the WOW and home internet and cable tv. My dear friend, I have to believe that some how you and I will have babies in 2008. This week I have enough hope for both of us. Next week you might have to be the one with the hope. :) That's what friends are for to help carry you through the bad patches. Hang in there.

lisalou said...

Good luck! I feel the same way as you do about IUI...I haven't hit that bridge yet but when I do I'll be coming to your site for advice.

Princess Peach said...

Three things that really, really suck:

1. Cost of infertility treatments
2. Lack of insurance coverage for infertility treatments
3. The very fact that some folks have to struggle to pay out of pocket to have a child...and in some cases folks can't find the funds...argh

Sucks, sucks, sucks.

Wishing you the best!

Gabby said...

I completely understand your struggle. It is hard to live with the fact you may not get pregnant by simply having sex like it is mean to be. This is a struggle for me everyday in the chance it dosen't happen to me. I wish you the best of the luck with the decision to do an IUI. I know there is that chance you may be throwing money away if it doesn;t work. But if it does work...it would be so worth it for that BFP. :]

Courtney said...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! Your thoughts reflect just another of the frustrations related to IF. It is great to feel that treatment wise, you are moving full steam ahead. It isn't great to know that to move the train along, you have to pay a hefty price tag.

There is no 'right' or truly logical way to feel about this stuff. The fact that you are feeling is significant. You are emotionally connected to your journey, and that is truly important (in my opinion).

Diana said...

I am so sorry that finances have to be a part of making a baby. IF really sucks.

Nearlydawn said...

I have been on the PCOS train... It is a long hard ride.

I think hubby and I got through it by making a plan, both financial and strategy-wise. We said, "We are willing to go X dollars in debt to try IUIs and then we will reassess our plans." This really helped us get a grip on what we would and would not consent to with the RE's office.

The money adds up fast, and we could easily answer the "what if" questions that came at us by looking at our plan.

Try writing it out, and figuring out some strategies to pay for some of it. You might find a cycle or two is within your reach.

Hope that helps!

KarenO said...

It's sooooo difficult to cross over from being very careful with your finances, training yourself into strict self-discipline and analyze the necessity of every need/want, and then doing something totally opposite from what you've been training so vigorously for - spending money on a want that might not even realize.

But the end result is something money can't buy - so it's very much worth this "gamble" - you know that already, so let that financial manager in your head take a short holiday ;)