Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Unpacking mentally and physically

It’s CD 10 (or CD9) not completely sure – my CBE Monitor requested me POAS this AM and I decided against it. Maybe tomorrow, but today I just didn’t feel like it.

We are going through adjustment phase at the new Fertilize Me household. I have decided that moving and unpacking has made me a little more nostalgic than I would have liked it to have been. (this is just some history about me - nothing cycle related - you can stop reading if you are looking for cycle related posts) We moved from Tallahassee a few years ago when I got a promotion and relocated (thanksgiving weekend 2003). We lived in a 2 bedroom apartment in Tallahassee and when we moved to Tampa, we moved into my parent’s house (back into my old bedroom where I grew up). TALK ABOUT WEIRD!! It was just temporary because we were looking for an apartment and/or something to buy. Real Estate was on the rise and the FL market was unstable (and continues to be). I just moved my husband w/o a job and no degree since I made him quit school to relocate to a new university. Yes, he obviously loves me – because I made him give up A LOT for my happiness. I was struggling a lot, missing my college friends, wrestling with personal demons, adjusting to being married, and I was devastated every period that came and went – we started trying to have children immediately (read- before we were actually married). We couldn’t afford much on just my salary and my husband didn’t complete his degree yet, so we needed to be financially responsible and try to make decisions based on that while he was out looking for a job. FINALLY a few weeks into December, I could not take the 1.5 hour commute to work anymore or the parental supervising that I had not had in my life since I was 17 – ( I moved out of my parents house the summer of my 18th birthday - So that is 10 yrs of being out of that house) I needed my own place no matter what we had to do to make it happen – and my husband had a job – it wasn’t a great one, but it was a paying one. So we moved out and boy was it time. We moved into a very small 1 bedroom/one bathroom apartment and paid way to much in rent but it was WELL worth my sanity. We left many boxes packed because there was just no room for all that we had and some of the stuff we didn’t need until we had a more permanent location. We stayed there (for 2 yrs) until the bathroom ceiling fell in and we had to move – I found another smaller, “more affordable” townhome (read dumpy ole shack). We were going to stay there long enough to save money to buy our own place. 2 yrs later, several recent unhelpful phone calls to my landlord, a mortgage company, realtor, and loan officer, we decided it was time to move again because our townhouse was getting “worse” and it was affecting me and my attitude. And buying a home right now was an even worse ideaso it was back to looking for a place to rent. So that’s where we are NOW. I am unpacking some boxes that were packed up from the original move in 2003. I found a BBT thermometer and old tempting charts (that didn’t help me get a baby), many books about getting pregnant the natural way, a saliva fertility predictor (that didn’t help me bring home a baby), the Nu.va ring timer that told me when to insert a new one to help regulate my hormones in order to be pregnant which the dr swore I would be pregnant after atleast 3 rounds, and many other stupid items I bought to help bring me a baby – which also didn’t help. As I unpacked these items, I was revisited with all kinds of emotions and the one that I remember the most is desperation. I remember how I desperately wanted a baby and that If someone back then would have told me 4 yrs later I still would be struggling the same way, I think I would have giving up on hope and ended it all (I have been in a very dark place). And now that it is 4 yrs later, as much as it sucks, I am so much more knowledgeable than “that girl”, I miss her naivety, passion, and hope but I have learned a lot about who I am and how strong I am and how strong my marriage is. I have learned that I can weather a storm and hold strong unto my faith and family. It's not been all bliss and joy or intense pain either – but It has just Been – and I have a (sometimes dark) past but I have hope for a brighter future because of this experience - bet you can't wait for me to go back to talkin about my Cycles !!

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10 comments:

Diana said...

WOW oh wow, that must have been weird seeing all that stuff. Did you throw it all away or put it back in the box?

chicklet said...

I went through my "baby box" I created years ago when we were so naive as to think we'd have one so easily - and yea, it really takes you to a weird place, remembering how you thought you'd never get through it, but yet, here you are, plugging along - miserably, but you're in it.

Courtney said...

I'm sorry that the unpacking process proved to be somewhat difficult. To put a positive spin on things, it sounds like you are sorting through both tangible and emotional items related to IF, and that could prove to be cathartic. Hoping for a brighter future with and for you. :)

SleepingBeautie said...

ha ha, i do the same thing on day 9 when the OPK tells me to POAS, i tell it to go jump in the lake!!!

~ SleepingBeautie
from Trying To Conceive on MySpace

KarenO said...

"I have learned that I can weather a storm and hold strong unto my faith and family." That is such an important lesson - I sometimes tend to forget that I am strong enough to weather bad storms, but it's like riding a bicycle: you never forget how to do it!

Hope the packing gets finished fast, it's therapeutic but VERY hard work! :)

Kami said...

Well said! It is good to recognize how far you have come emotionally. Do you think it is possible for someone to skip that really dark place while TTC? I suppose it is what you have to go through in order to develop those coping techniques - unless you are lucky enough to have a baby first.

Princess Peach said...

Sorry you had to go through that...I think its great that you recognize how much stronger you are today. Our experiences tend to provide us with growth and we should acknowledge that when we reflect.

My Reality said...

Sometimes, getting a fresh start is good for lots of things. I hope this proves true for you soon.

Pamela Jeanne said...

From your post this is what resonated most with me: "I miss her naivety, passion, and hope but I have learned a lot about who I am and how strong I am and how strong my marriage is. I have learned that I can weather a storm and hold strong unto my faith and family."

You are an incredibly strong woman and someone who has been supportive and a friend to so many...thanks for continuing to share yourself.

P.S. I may just have to buy the book shown in the picture!

tryingin2007 said...

oh, I agree. moving does indeed stir up a lot of emotions. I also recently unearthed my rather large collection of "how to get pregnant" books and articles. they brought me back to the days of when I had my tubes and getting knocked up seemed inevitable and was fun. those were the days.