The Ruler ...

This is me being honest as a parent - Please do not judge me.

The past 12 days have been very trying. MT isn't sleeping well, Back to teething and drooling buckets. Middle of the night wake ups, etc the whole shebang. It's been miserable. And now We have added tantrums during the day. I know that he is an independent spirit and is not a fan of the word No when he is determined. He gets this VERY honestly. This is manufactured by My DNA. I know this very much. I also saw this coming. I am still trying to figure out What/How to handle it. He wants to do things ..He MUST be the one to do it. As an example, For months now, I have had to move to only finger foods, Because He does not tolerate being fed anymore by anyone but himself. I have tried very hard to allow him to explore his abilities. It is quite a challenge. If i put a bite in his mouth, He will take it out, and put it back in himself. Same with picking up toys, paic, etc. We have been working on comprehending the word No. I think he gets it now. Because He does listen to it mostly or I am able to redirect. But then, He gets that Wild hair and evil look and Laughs when I say no.... Oh My gosh 40 trillion apologizes to my parents .... Really ....!!! Oh It's uncanny. It is so unbelievably frustrating. I have been doing just the "no" and redirect thing for about two month now. This week, I started saying No and If that didn't work, smacking his hand. It was suggested to me that he was old enough to understand and I needed to start some type of discipline. Can I tell you how much I HATE THIS. I can't stand myself. He is unfazed anyway. It doesn't even seem to help. I am going to stop. I don't know what I am going to do, but this is not working. Maybe I didn't give it a good long go, but it Just feels wrong and really I hate how unnatural it feels. And in the same sentence about how unnatural it feels, I can see this being a horrible habit to get into. And I do not want to be a hitter or have a hitter. Hitting is not the answer in my book. I don't know What to do. It's just a phase. We will get through it, But I just can't do it by smacking his hand. Maybe when he is older, we will try again, Or maybe not. I know that I can not let him control me or the household but I think this is just a phase and when he gets alittle older, and We can communicate better this will work itself out. Like maybe when he is 32 yrs old.. I know that kids search for their boundaries. I just was/am not prepared for the 10.5 month old to start.

The "Only dad" phase ended a few weeks ago, and we are in an only mommy phase now. So , It just goes back and forth for us. I just had to get this off my chest and out of my head because it was making me so ill. I want to make sure I teach MT respect, right/wrong, but I am not sure what/how or what great lengths I am willing to go to do that. This is just so more more complicated than I ever imagined.

You are what you Eat

Ok, So I know that I am not the only that knows what their body type is. Here is my body Type:


The Cone! Yes, It's true. I can't make this stuff up. Now, I am in need of some fashion help. I know there are talented, well dressed individuals out there. At one time, I used to be. Now, I have just given up. I want some cute dresses for the summer. It's going to be Hot and I want to be able to have some type of sundress to wear. That is going to help me stay cool and comfortable, I hope. I know that my waistline is going to be expanding but that doesn't mean I can't look decent right? I am already expanding, so I figured dresses would help. I only have 2 pair of mat. shorts and loads of 3/4 length sleeves shirts/jeans since I was pregnant during the "cool" months and only worried about work clothes.

So basically, I am in need of help... What type of dresses would you suggest for a plus size ice cream cone shaped girl? What are your secrets?

Balloon

Back from the Dr - They fit me in at 1pm for an U/S. Ah Hello Friend, The tra.nsvag cam. How I have not missed you.

I am measuring 7 weeks 5 days, strong heartbeat (168) visible fetal pole. All seems A-OK. They decided to put me back on progesterone again just to be on the safe said (until 13 weeks). Next appointment May 26th. We will do the 1st screen u/s at that time also. *and to check the due date again since it's a range. Dec 3-10th.

They also just went ahead and fit me in early for the pap and all that jazz so I didn't have to come back. Then sent me on my way. The U/S allowed me to see/hear and I am now starting to believe the things my body is feeling. The balloon seems to definitely be blowing up faster this time around.


Just curious. For those that have been to Disney recently (past yr) - What Park did you go to.. would you recommend it?

Say it Out Loud!

I was reminded: It is Infertility Awareness Week. Speak out loud. So There is no more suffering in Silence.




This is a great time to get a copy of This book. A gift that will keep on giving for sure. Written by a compassionate guru, herself. What a wonderful gift to this community.

from the bottom of my heart

Thank you to everyone that read/commenting on my last post. Since posting, I am feeling a bit more confident. It was so great to see so many de-lurkers lurking around. That was so neat. Awesome... Thank you!

So glad you asked:

Emotionally , I am alil all over the place. My Parents have told pretty much everyone in the very small town. I was NOT prepared for that. I thought they understood to keep it under wraps ... But Not so much. I was congratulated quite a few times Saturday at an event my parents we throwing.

That has added more pressure. Before then, I was feeling very calm and at peace about everything. Now, I am hoping for a great u/s because I am not sure I am at all prepared to have my parents Untell Everyone they know.

I think I am more emotional (as in actually having emotions) than the last time. I was so guarded last time. Now,I am just very go with the flow. I mean, I waited 4 days for the Dr. Office to call me back with my hcg, progesterone results. I did have to call to get them. But I waited. And was able to wait.

I do have overwhelming visions of juggling 2 at very different stages. One of them being Very mobile and full of energy. But Women do it ... I will figure it out, If we are so blessed to get that far.

I am really just looking for an u/s at this point. To see what we see and go from there. Or a Doppler ... A Heartbeat

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. I am truly thankful that there was so much love and support. I was/am extremely worried about having to tell this tale.

Dr's Appointment tomorrow afternoon. They never did call me back to let me know if they were able to schedule the U/s. I am debating calling them tomorrow morning to see Or just waiting til we get there ....

Riddle Me This -Part 2

The answer is two under two.

Short Answer:
It seems that I have found the cause of my exhaustion and other non pleasant symptoms. Yes, I am pregnant. Bit of a shock is an understatement. Mr dr's office is trying to get me scheduled for an U/S on Monday as my HCG levels come back over 20k. Progesterone came back at 12.4. They are guessing I am anywhere between 7-9 weeks pregnant.

I am having a huge dose of survivor's guilt and have been having a hard time being ready to blog about it. So I had to break into the news slowly.

Long Explanation:
I took an HPT back in March and it was my last one I had. I figured, I would take it and like pretty much most of my life, My period would start the next day or w/in an hour. It was what I considered negative. Looking back, I thought I waited too long to check the results and got evap lines. I moved on, complaining and waiting for my period. Went to my GP and explained everything to her and she ran labs. Thyroid, Anemia, Glucose, Cholesterol, Etc. She said that it sounded like I was having cysts and that I needed to see my Gyn and get an u/s to check on my ovaries. So After I received the labs back from her, I called to make an gyn appointment. Made for April 27th. I was talked into taking one more test on Friday night. And it was positive. Really positive. So, On Monday I called the Gyn to inform them of the new developments and they rushed me in and sent me to the lab. I did have to wait until Yesterday to get the results back - but all things seem to be ok so far. I was called in a script for Lo.ven.ox and did my first shot, in a long time, last night.

As mush as I am excited/overwhelmed for our family, I am terrified/horrified knowing that this news is going to anger/hurt some and I hurt/ache knowing that. I am just trying to keep it real ... Because I am Real. And I understand

Riddle me this

Orange you Praying for Stellan

First and foremost. Our Orange for Stellan:

Saying our prayers for you Little Boy.

Today MT has hit some new milestones. I was informed by my parents that he started doing "itsy bitsy spider" and clapping for the "If you're happy and you know it" songs. SO I tried it and he did it. How cool is that. I tried to get him to do it a few more times and he was very much over it.

MT also deliberately took 3 steps today. He has been slowly letting go of a hand while walking but today, He was walking by holding onto the wall for balance and let go and took 3 steps towards me. I am floored. So excited. We may have this walking thing down .... I need to get hte video camera out. But I have a question: Um, Shoes? What kind? We never put him in shoes ..It's so warm here, I thought no shoes helps them walk faster ... But if he is going to be getting down and trying to walk, Don't I need shoes?

I leave you with This Face:

A Bunny and a Mouse

Sounds like the start of a bad joke right?



Our first Easter was not quite as I expected it would be. My sister, her husband and my grandmother all came to visit and celebrate MT's first Easter. On Thursday, My grandmother started having diarrhea/vomiting.. Saturday morning, my Sister and Mom took her to a walk in clinic, She was in a bad way. They came home and by the time they got home, My mother got it. Then they started dropping like flys. By Sunday Everyone had it. Since I worked all week, We had not seen them since Tuesday. And there was No way we were going to see them if it was that contagious. My head spun thinking about me sick trying to care for an infant or an infant sick or worse case scenario both sick ... So, We just stayed far away. I was sad that they came to hang out with us and all got in pretty bad shape.



So, we did Easter w/o them. We were invited over to a family friend's house and had a blast. Ate lots of good food and got to spend time with some great friends.



They had a puppy just his size and speed. They loved on each other.



Then Monday was an adventurous Day in Orlando. We got to hang out with Jen and Elizabeth and Barb. So MUCH FUN! I believe that Elizabeth is going to tell the story of our day. Here is a picture after we got home and had a bath. Very Tired MT.



I had my follow up dr appointment to check on my thyroid. I also asked them to run the whole panel for anemia, diabetes, cholesterol, etc.. Like a work up when you get a physical. *if you don't do this - I highly suggest it.



Good news - Everything was very normal. All results were in the normal range.... Thyroid, Glucose, Liver Function, Cholesterol ..



Bad News - Thyroid, Glucose are normal .... Explains nothing on why I am having weird symptoms. The Dr wants me to make an appointment with my gyn and figure out where my period has gone and why the weight gain is all of a sudden, She strongly suggested a u/s of my ovaries. She also suggested that the weight gain could be my adjusting to not nursing anymore. It's been about 2.5-3 months since I have pumped/nursed. Seems, I am just an overweight, headachey, sluggish, brainfogged person. And that's my norm.



I have an appointment on the 27th for a pap and to discuss what is going.

Wordles and Weight

I can't seem to find the right words I am looking for lately. I write posts, I read them over, and then I just save (or delete) them .. I cannot bring myself to publish them. I think it just has to do with alot of pressure lately. I am feeling pressure of things all around me. Some , I have chosen to ignore, Some I am trying to ignore and some I am trying to find a solution to.


This time last yr, I was being diagnosed with Gestati.onal Dia.betes. This yr, I am chasing around a 10 month old. ..a WHAT ... how old?! On April 10th, I have a 10 month old.. Pretty Nifty ;)



I enjoy blogging. It keeps me level. It gives me perspective. It exposes me to so much information and kindhearted people. It provides for a trip down memory lane. It reveals my strengths and weaknesses. It's my life as I experience it. A Snapshot of words.



What is your wordle? If you do it, Leave me a message so I can check it out



On the follow up - I did make it to the dr. They are testing my thyroid and all other labs that you do for a physical. I have an appointment to get hte results on tuesday. It was their first available appointment. Hoping for something. I don't actually know what I am hoping for. Alli know is I am the most active I have been in years. and I have gained 15-20 lbs in 3 weeks. Out of nowhere. Not over eating, Changing nothing .. and I am most frustrated with my body again. It has all piled up in my midsection, Just taughting me. Wishing I had ate brownies and cakes to explain the weight gain ... but I.Got.Nothing ....



The Fertilized household wishes everyone a very Blessed and Happy Easter.

I caved

I have been experiencing so very awful fatigue, headaches, brainfoggies, uncontrollable weight gain, etc on top of some other lovely issues that just seem to be getting worse with time. I finally made an appointment for tomorrow to get my thyroid tested. I also am going to start back on Met Monday. I cannot continue to ignore this. I hope the fix is simple, cost effective and easy. I just would like to not be exhausted with a headache every day.

Growing Boy

The past few weeks have seriously been trying. My baby is teetering on the infant/toddler line. As I have mentioned (way too many times) the past few weeks have presented challenges I was not at all prepared for. Mobility, Language, Comprehension, Independence and more surprising changes.


Mobility - Whoa can this boy move when he wants to. He is crawling and pulling up on everything like he has been but he has added using furniture/stationary objects or people to move around the room. He stood w/o holding onto something a few times. But just a split second. Today, He tried to take steps while letting go of my hands to run/lunge at his granddaddy. He was leaning too far over and toppled. If it wasn't for his leaning too far over while attempting to walk, he would master this quicker. I am not rushing this, though.


Language - MT is not really saying words. He is still very vocal through sounds, raspberries, and laughter. Every now and again, we hear Da da da. Mu mmum uumm is in his cries now. We think he is trying to say Kitty. He makes a certain word sound that sort of sounds like Kitty when he sees one of ours. We also told him the Easter Bunny was a Big Kitty. I am pretty sure that is what made him not afraid! He was petting the Easter Bunny's arm like he tries to do to our cats. His favorite noise is still Boooh boooob, booop, booouuugh. Anything Bah related. He makes this very deep noises too. We think he said "Hi" again to my Mother tonight.


Comprehension - The boy has finally learned NO. This.Is. a very big deal. He actually stops whatever he is doing at the time I say no. Mostly. Not 100%. I don't think it's ever 100% so I will take what I can get for now. Atleast, I know he understands. He also understands the words Go, Bye bye, hungry, and bottle. He has been waving for weeks now, just never at the appropriate time. This weekend's development, When someone says bye bye to him or we ask him to wave bye bye, He waves. Makes my heart swoon. Yesterday - He just got the sippy cup. It's like a light bulb went off and it just clicked. He downed a whole sippy of water with lunch today. Que the Hallelujah praise chorus. I will admit, I was stressing over this. I know it's petty, but It's liquid intake. I am beaming! Needless to say - this weekend has been THE weekend for huge developments.


Independence - MT has decided that he is all grown up and no longer requires assistance while eating. He has decided it's time for him to hold his own bottle. YAH! Sometimes, he does like if I lift on the bottom. Other times, He wants my hand no where near the bottle. Another thing that we are going through, He is wanting to feed himself. With.His.Fingers. This makes mealtimes somewhat stressful and extremely messy. Stressful because if you do not have enough finger foods for him to do it by himself, he will not eat. He locks his jaws tighter than Fort Knox if he doesn't get to do it. If you put the food in his mouth, he will spit it out, pick it up and do it himself! So we have added new foods. I made black beans from dried beans the other day, peeled Chick peas, butter beans, blueberries, cheese, banana, apples, grapes, crackers. Anything he can pick up and cram in. Needless to say, his aim isn't perfected. He also likes to use his hair/head has a napkin . Fantastic ...... What other finger foods are you feeding lil ones?


Surprising Changes - He is rearranging his nap/sleep schedule again. Which means we are changing bottle times also. This started a week ago. He did this around 6 months too. While this happens, It takes a few weeks to get things flowing smoothly again. Because not every day resembles a pattern until we figure out what works best. Some days he now wants to continue with his current sleeping routine of taking 2-3 20-30 min naps, mid morning, mid afternoon, and mid evening nap. (on a good day) But Now, He seems to be trying to move towards wanting to stay awake longer in the morning and having his first nap after lunch. Somewhere in the ball park of 12:30- 1:30ish. This nap has been running about 40 mins -1 hr (more so 45 mins). Then an afternoon nap around 5 ish. Bedtime has moved up to 7:30-8:00pm. Waking up anywhere after 7:30-8:30 am. The only thing that seems to be consistent lately is being ready for bed around 7:30-8pm. We are working through this new nap development to determine what works best for everyone.

C'est La Vie

Today is one of those day that everything just feels Right. I don't know if I ever express the amount of love and appreciation that I feel for being able to work part time and take care of MT.

Today, My parents came over to MY home! This is HUGE. They always make us go over there. In the 3 yrs we have lived here, I can count on 1 hand how many times they have come over here for a visit and not just a quick pick up/drop off/ drive by. I invite, they decline or have an excuse. My father, always has a weekend project. Fixin' things, piddling, planting a garden, repairing motors, oil changing, tire rotating, guilt giving, etc.... Always Do, DO, Do. He can do it ALL. And he does. He likes to be home or on the boat. He is also trying to keep good care of my mom. Which is not an easy task as of late. Requires bucket loads of patiences. But packing up to go to my parents just about every day is frustrating. It's only 7-9 mile drive but traffic is pretty bad here.7-9 miles is 15-25 mins. And sometimes that is time I just do not have but sacrifice to keep peace. My dad has a over-abundance of OCD. I think it is more age related than actual O.C.D itself. He demands High standards - always has. There are certain requirements/items that need to be met for MT.

• He can't stand it if MT is only in a diaper(or diaper/shirt combo) - There needs to be an Outfit.
• It needs be fully buttoned/snapped, non drooled on/soiled, matching and weather appropriate complete with shoes.
• sunglasses, hats, sunscreen and shoes
• An extra change of clothes for when he gets dirty because he is going to get dirty.
• A Sleep Outfit because they love giving him baths
• The latest Fav toy, foods, Etc.
• It needs to come back home with us to not "clutter" up his house or get washed in order to bring it back ...

You Get the idea .... Some days it adds an extra pressure to perform. Most days, I don't have time to give a crap and MT shows up w/o shoes in a diaper or poorly dressed and alil soggy. This brings on passive aggressive comments and jabs. C'est la vie. I am not a passive aggressive kind of girl - So I give it back in a non-passive aggressive way. I hold my own pretty well. They did put up with me for 18 yrs in their house. They know me. They also do alot for E, MT and I. So, It's a trade off. We deal. Whoa Tangent ....

So, Having them come to my house just made things flow so nicely and I was able to get so much more accomplished throughout my day. Because I WAS HOME! And not driving back and forth or go to work. Of course, they only stayed 1.5 hours. But we swam, hung out with friends, ate lunch and had a great time by the pool. Then we were able to put MT down for a Nap in his crib and I was able to do laundry, vacuum, Play on the computer, etc. It wasn't done in a hurry, while exhausted, after work or in the wee hours of the morning. It.was.Nice. I think I am going to request that they come over here more. (even though, my house is "cramped and cluttered")

Another first- We had people come over and hang out with us. We live in a condo. It's not that big, but it's not that small. I do have indoor cats (that are hidy, scaredy cats). We do not have our own yard. There is a pretty big area right out side our door where the neighborhood kids play kickball, tag and other games. I am always somewhat afraid the ball is going to come flying through our windows. BUT, we are super close to the activity center and pool. That's the part I do love. We have a few picnic tables with grills out by in the pool area. It is also a good combination of shady and sunny. Everyone had a blast. I hope do do this more often.*

*I was always intimidated by where we live. It's an old condo with very little storage/closets/cabinets/counter space/seating that requires thrifty thinking and creativity. And, Yes in my father's defense, sometimes just fancies the Cluttered look. I want desperately to de-clutter! I am trying. Seating is limited to a couch and a love seat. A dining room table that sits 6 and a micro bathroom/kitchen. BUT today and from now on, I am embracing this home. It has allowed us to pursue treatments, provide shelter for my son, have a part time job, stay home and take care of MT. I want to savor this. I want to write this down to have this remind me when I lose focus.

My Take

My take ,so far, on Parenting After going through Fertility Treatments* -
I have been asked a few times about this this week. By blog comments, emails, real life friends and a girl I ran into at a playgroup.

The Magic Moment of holding that precious body that you have yearned for is indescribable. I do not think there are words in the English language for this feeling. I know that for me - It affected all of my senses.

What I recognize most from myself is that I do tend to think very much of "in the moment" experiences. I am very aware that I am not going to get that moment back. I do savor it. Even the rough days. I find myself stating the obvious. "He's going to be older in a minute".

Early on, I stressed about being the Perfect parent. Doing everything the right way. Because I was sure there was a right way. All the books, Dr's, therapists, parents say there is. I mean, I have been an armchair parent before. ( you know - watching others parent and swearing to never make THAT mistake if given the chance to parent. I mean GEEZ it's Obvious) Never taking into consideration that Not all children are the same. Not all families are the same. Not all situations are the same ... There are choices for a reason.

Do I think infertility had a part in my decision to quit my job and mostly staying at home. Yes and No. Yes, I would be lying if I didn't admit to thinking and saying "What If this is my only chance at motherhood?" It weighed in equally with "What type of Mother do I want to be?". I allowed myself to think long term for once. Going through treatments, I never thought long term. I thought in cycles, periods, seasons. How would my job, long term, help our family. Provide for us. How does daycare play into the equation? .. I am sure that many of these thoughts are shared with the fertiles of the world also.

Learning to go with the Flow. Learning the temperament of MT. We are still learning to live with each other, Learning to speak each other's languages. Learning Patience's from each other. Learning how to be a family of 3. Learning how to be a Wife and a Mother and a part time employee. Learning to share him with my parents/relatives. There are growing pains. So far, the only thing that remains constant in my life is that fact that things are going to change. I wasn't that great with change to begin with. Change and I are learning to co-exist and adapt.

Socializing. This is very hard for me. I am still awkward in my role. I am getting more comfortable but still have a hard time figuring out how to balance. So far I have found it difficult to have a meaningful conversation with another mom on certain topics. The sleeping, napping, eating, milestone topics. Uhm which basically sum up all New moms like to discuss. I haven't watched a full episode of anything lately - SO I am behind on my all celebrity/reality show junk. Plus, at playgroups, I am making sure my child only eats a few bugs, very little leaves and received minor bruising from all his attempts/determination to balance on 2 legs. With his super human speed and strength, I need a Hawk Eye and about 4 more arms. I have very little brain power to listen AND respond properly while trying to predict my 9.5 month olds next move. Thank God for my dose of Ellen every day to help keep me in touch with the outside world. And the Soup.

It also seems that every person I meet wants to know when the next one is coming. "oh don't you just want another?" I have no idea how to answer this question. It's such a loaded question. I overheard a discussion the other day at the park. This woman and her husband want a baby by March 2010. She was carrying a 4-6 month old, chasing after a 2 ish yr old. I looked at my husband and quietly said, Wouldn't you love to open your datebook and declare such things? To me, to be able to actually have sex with my husband, on purpose, with a sole intention of having another baby in 9 months sounds fictional. You know, Pick the month*ish that you wanted to deliver. Sounds like Super powers to me. But, there are people out there that PLAN this. and Achieve this. It was said to me, Well that's just what Stay at home Mom's do. That is kind of like their job. I guess there is a point. That just seems so foreign. Cannot.Compute. Therefore, I tend to get a lil awkward with this topic.

I went to a new playgroup for the first time this week and ran into a Girl that I met a few times at our local resolve chapter. I also ran into her at my RE's office while I was undergoing IUI#2 . (the one that resulted in my pregnancy with MT). Basically, she outed me. I was very uncomfortable/embarrassed for a good few minutes. There was silence in the group. We were in a pretty large group of moms that I have never met before. I mean, I don't like labels. But labeling/stereotyping exists and I am hoping that no one will remember .. Or maybe they will ...

So parenting after ferti. It is a contact sport. It is what you make of it. It's not what I thought it would be. It's better and worse. It's the grey area. It's awesome and overwhelming. It's not the same for everyone, yet there can be similarities. We all do not want the same thing. Tolerance is a good balancing act. And In a perfect world I would get to experience it with another child or two.

*I say after fertility treatments, Because Technically I still feel infertile.

Rear Facing

*copied and pasted hte article about rear facing car seats. What is your opinion.

Keep your toddler in a rear-facing car seat until age 2 (not 1) Lori O’Keefe Correspondent

New research indicates that toddlers are more than five times safer riding rear-facing in a car safety seat up to their second birthday. Following are some safety tips for car seat use:
All infants should ride rear-facing in either an infant car seat or convertible seat.

If an infant car seat is used, the infant should be switched to a rear-facing convertible car seat once the maximum height (when the infant’s head is within 1 inch of the top of the seat) and weight (usually 22 pounds to 32 pounds) have been reached for that infant seat as suggested by the car seat manufacturer.

Toddlers should remain rear-facing in a convertible car seat until they have reached the maximum height and weight recommended for the model, or at least the age of 2.

To see if your car seat is installed properly and to find a certified passenger safety technician in your area, visit www.seatcheck.org or www.nhtsa.dot.gov/cps/cpsfitting/index.cfm. You also can call 866-SEATCHECK (866-732-8243) or 888-327-4236.