Monday, September 8, 2008

12 weeks

I laid in bed last night filled with anxiety, worry, overwhelming joy, frustration, sadness and many more emotions I actually don't even know how to describe.

MT is 12 weeks old today.

In the early days just arriving home from the hospital, there was just mere exhaustion. I was functioning off adrenaline and bliss. The more sleep I got, the more I noticed my mind would wonder, then wonder turned to worry, worry turned to frustration .. "Am I doing this right", " I know the books say this", "I can't help but worry I am doing this wrong". I had conflicted advice/assvice from many real life influences. "You need to establish control and a schedule early on", "You can not spoil a newborn", "Embrace these days, they are numbered", "Do whatever to survive, this to shall pass", "Enjoy these precious moments now, you will want them back". "It will get easier", "You should read ..."

I was overwhelmed. I had my own ideas of "how things should go" and sometimes they went according to my idea/plan and other times they were variations and mostly they were not even close. I allowed myself to become extremely frustrated at the situation. The situation being, i did Not want to make any mistakes early on that would later hinder MT .. Trying to be the perfect balance of a parent. I felt like since it took me a while to achieve this Parenting Roll, I wanted nothing more than to be a perfect parent doing it all right, "I asked for this". I felt like I should have been prepared. I should be able to do it all just so and perfectly. I mean, we had been trying and preparing for this opportunity for years and years. I had been dreaming and planning for motherhood LONG before marriage. I have had plenty of time to prepare. I read books, researched material, items and thought I was going to be good to go, right out of the starting gate. I knew there would be a learning curve, but had NO IDEA how big of a curve that would entail.

Here we are, 3 months later, all surviving and most days thriving. Without much advice from a stupid book nonetheless. There are books with great ideas, there are books with really useless ideas. But, I have found something far greater than some advice in a book. Instinct, intuition and observations based experience with MT . I am unsure when/how it happened, but I just know, feel, can tell how/what MT needs most of the time. I assume or equate it to spending time, holding, touching, examining, caring for him the past 3 months. He still likes to keep me guessing on whether it's a bouncey seat day or a swing day or neither. There is no rhyme or reason. in the beginning, the swing, bouncey seat were commonly referred as the torture chairs, because if MT was placed in either, You thought we had begun a tar and feathering session. Now, his time in each are extending as each day passes. We are able to use our floor gym more and sometimes He is able to lay there w/o me standing over him or sitting next to him. He still is not a fan of tummy time on the floor. but enjoys being on his tummy on my chest (of course) and the boppy.

MT is getting so strong, he loves to stand up while being held. He makes great eye contact, trys to grab things. His latest discovery is trying to sit up if you are holding him at an angle. He always has been a very verbal gabberor. Oh and he LOVES to lick/suck on his hands/fists.

He has begun drooling and making bubbles. He still loves to be held alot. He enjoys being outside. and I enjoy him...All of him. I enjoy being able to meet his needs, I enjoy holding him, I enjoy cuddling with him. I enjoy our conversations. I swear he understands me sometimes.

I am still working on my confidence and attitude. I am learning I do not have to defend my choices on raising MT. I am trying to work on others words and how they are said not affect my ability to mother. It's ok if family/friends do not agree with me. It's ok for me to change my mind. I see my biggest problems thus far is confidence but I see how much I am improving daily. MT and I are still getting to know each other and we are still learning.

A big one, I breast fed in public on Friday. It was at the nursing moms group ..BUT I did it, and I was proud of myself.

Another controversial topic - Schedules. I have noticed that there is a pattern most days. It may not be on the hour/second mark. But there is a schedule forming slowly but surely. When I think about the word schedule, I can help but twitch.

I think WHY do I want to enforce something at such a young age. I feel we try and make children grow up so fast as it is. Why on earth would I want to subject my now 3 month old ( then barely 4 Weeks old) on a schedule. He will forever be adjusting his schedule as he grows up - why not let him just be now that I have the time to just let him be. This is how i truly deeply feel. Then I have a conflicting thought, what If can't get him on a schedule later on. What If I hinder his learning and cognitive skills .... .. Then I just get overwhelmed and frustrated. I understand that there are different schools of thoughts, different theories and many different options and choices.

over the past few weeks, i have observed that MT licks his lips and sticks it in/out like a lizard when he is hungry (about 2- 3hours after the start of a feed), He Sucks on his hands/fist when he is sleepy (about 30 min to 1.5 hours after a feeding). He used to wake up as soon as I would put him down, (yes that means i held him to sleep - or he fell asleep with me holding him). I am now able to put him down and he will take a 30 cat nap. I kept saying things like, we don't have a schedule and my husband keeps reassuring me, we do have a schedule because when he asks me when MT needs to eat again, or sleep, I have an answer and I am pretty close to being right. I just lacked the ability to see it as a schedule and I lacked the confidence to admit that I truly do know what and how to handle my child. It is coming. These past 3 months have really have changed me foundationally

Happy 12 weeks MT!


look how much you have grown




A New Beginning said...

I don't think I could have said it any better.

I love the outfit!

Leah said...

First and foremost, a giant congratulations for bf'ing in public. I have a huge smile on my face for you, I'm so proud!

Second, it's amazing how much our boys are alike. Liam is 16 weeks old today and nearly identical in the stuff he's doing -- from the wanting to stand all the time to the constant sucking on his fists to the 30 minute cat naps. I am enjoying every minute of it (although I wish he'd sleep a little better at night, but that will come).

You are doing a great job, keep up with your instincts as they seem to be right on the money for your little boy!

Jen said...

I can't believe it has been twelve weeks already!

You are clearly doing an awesome job!

Jill, Mommy of Tanner and Josie, our Clomid baby. :o) said...

You are a fabulous mom, Farah. Don't you ever forget that! You little boy loves his Momma and that is all that matters.

Snort to the shirt. :o) I saw it and had to get it for him. I LOVE the pirate they make it in pink?

Much Love!!!

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

Here's to mummy's intuition! I swear by it :)

KT Sowa said...

Happy 12 weeks!!!

Amanda said...

Right now I have so much pride in my heart and a few tears in my eyes. You are doing such a wonderful job!!!! Your confidence has definitely improved, and MT is just sailing along! Be proud of yourself, I know I am!

Happy 12 weeks little (big) man!

Jen said...

Fara, you have beautifully stated what most of us with newborns feel. Yes we feel like we are clueless, but then we do know what our baby needs. Instinct, intuition and trial and error are some of the best tools in my mommy bag. Way to go on bfing in public, continue to amaze myself at how much I don't care. I actually bf'd nolan at a restaurant with my mom, dad, and sister the other day. I do use my cover apron, but I just don't care what anyone thinks most days. I think you got this momma thing down, just know that as soon as you really get it down, there will be changes!

Amelia Sprout said...

Awesome about the bf in public. I always used a cover up and was nervous, so I know how hard that is.
A word about schedules, just my own view, but I guess it feel appropriate to share.

Sometimes a schedule is about them setting it, and you making sure it gets followed. At least that is what it was in our house. She definitely tended towards some regularity, but I learned if I didn't try to help her stay on it, I paid for it. I'd like to think of it as a team effort. By paying attention to what she did, I was able to make plans around it, and everyone won.
Eventually, when she needed a schedule, and we needed to set it, it wasn't so hard.

Diana said...

So very proud of you for feeding him in public!!! YAY!!!!! Great job!!!

Courtney said...

Farah, MT is so very cute! It seems so incredible to me all of the things he is accomplishing at 3 months. Now I know what fun I have to look forward to!!! Keep up the great work with your little man. :)

sara said...

Happy 12 weeks MT! Farah - I loved reading this post because you always present things so open and honestly it makes me smile and feel at ease. It makes me feel like I know a little bit of what to expect and to know that you've been there and I'll get through things too :-)

Christy said...

Wow . . . 12 weeks! And BF'ing in public . . . I'm so proud, I know that was hard for you. Thanks for sharing all of this . . . I'm feeling all of the same insecurities. Your words give me hope.

Kathy V said...

Farah, I think you are doing a great job with mt. He looks happy and is growing and healthy. who cares if he isn't on a strict regime. You are doing what works for you. And like you said, he is on a schedule, it just happens to be less strict than a military operation. you feed him, he naps, he plays, you feed him, etc. Don't feel bad that you haven't planned every moment of his life, just know he is growing and healthy and happy and that is all that matters in the end.

Mel said...

First, love that last onesie!
Second, you have done simply amazingly as a mother, Farah. I admire you so much and I pray that I can be as calm, cool and collected as you have been. I know you've probably had some hair ripping frustrating days, but your son is thriving and you guys are all so blessed to have one another. Happy 12 week birthday, little MT!!!!

Cibele said...

you said it all and very well. I have the same emotions that you described but everyday i grow more and more confident that parenting is not thought in books but we have to run with our intuitions, common sense, and love. Some days lyla sleeps on her own, some days she needs me to hold her, some days she eats every 4 hours, some days many every 2 hours... I have a main plain but I allow a lot of room for changes.. Like us, they have good days and not so good days. You are doing a great job my friend and I am glad that we are able to be honest about our feelings and have a platform to discuss our feeling and learn form each other. MT IS SO HANDSOME!

Dreamer4agift said...

Very cute pics, first of all:-) He's just growing so fast.

I think you're doing a great job at making your own decisions as to what's best for you and MT. While I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes, let me say that our own parents made mistakes (some obvious, some not-so-much) and we survived it all. You are an awesome mom already, and I'm sure you're gonna just get better from here.

Morrisa said...

Happy 12 weeks MT! Thanks for this post, I'm sure it will come in handy for many of us. :)

Amanda said...

It is so hard to know whether what you are doing is the "right way" to do it. I don't know. I have no answers, I stress about it all too. It sounds like you're doing great though.

Brooklyn has that "new in town" onesie. The pirate one is hilarious!!

Marcy "meg" said...

He certainly is adorable. We are at 5 weeks now and for sure have no schedule!