12 weeks

I laid in bed last night filled with anxiety, worry, overwhelming joy, frustration, sadness and many more emotions I actually don't even know how to describe.



MT is 12 weeks old today.



In the early days just arriving home from the hospital, there was just mere exhaustion. I was functioning off adrenaline and bliss. The more sleep I got, the more I noticed my mind would wonder, then wonder turned to worry, worry turned to frustration .. "Am I doing this right", " I know the books say this", "I can't help but worry I am doing this wrong". I had conflicted advice/assvice from many real life influences. "You need to establish control and a schedule early on", "You can not spoil a newborn", "Embrace these days, they are numbered", "Do whatever to survive, this to shall pass", "Enjoy these precious moments now, you will want them back". "It will get easier", "You should read ..."



I was overwhelmed. I had my own ideas of "how things should go" and sometimes they went according to my idea/plan and other times they were variations and mostly they were not even close. I allowed myself to become extremely frustrated at the situation. The situation being, i did Not want to make any mistakes early on that would later hinder MT .. Trying to be the perfect balance of a parent. I felt like since it took me a while to achieve this Parenting Roll, I wanted nothing more than to be a perfect parent doing it all right, "I asked for this". I felt like I should have been prepared. I should be able to do it all just so and perfectly. I mean, we had been trying and preparing for this opportunity for years and years. I had been dreaming and planning for motherhood LONG before marriage. I have had plenty of time to prepare. I read books, researched material, items and thought I was going to be good to go, right out of the starting gate. I knew there would be a learning curve, but had NO IDEA how big of a curve that would entail.



Here we are, 3 months later, all surviving and most days thriving. Without much advice from a stupid book nonetheless. There are books with great ideas, there are books with really useless ideas. But, I have found something far greater than some advice in a book. Instinct, intuition and observations based experience with MT . I am unsure when/how it happened, but I just know, feel, can tell how/what MT needs most of the time. I assume or equate it to spending time, holding, touching, examining, caring for him the past 3 months. He still likes to keep me guessing on whether it's a bouncey seat day or a swing day or neither. There is no rhyme or reason. in the beginning, the swing, bouncey seat were commonly referred as the torture chairs, because if MT was placed in either, You thought we had begun a tar and feathering session. Now, his time in each are extending as each day passes. We are able to use our floor gym more and sometimes He is able to lay there w/o me standing over him or sitting next to him. He still is not a fan of tummy time on the floor. but enjoys being on his tummy on my chest (of course) and the boppy.



MT is getting so strong, he loves to stand up while being held. He makes great eye contact, trys to grab things. His latest discovery is trying to sit up if you are holding him at an angle. He always has been a very verbal gabberor. Oh and he LOVES to lick/suck on his hands/fists.

He has begun drooling and making bubbles. He still loves to be held alot. He enjoys being outside. and I enjoy him...All of him. I enjoy being able to meet his needs, I enjoy holding him, I enjoy cuddling with him. I enjoy our conversations. I swear he understands me sometimes.



I am still working on my confidence and attitude. I am learning I do not have to defend my choices on raising MT. I am trying to work on others words and how they are said not affect my ability to mother. It's ok if family/friends do not agree with me. It's ok for me to change my mind. I see my biggest problems thus far is confidence but I see how much I am improving daily. MT and I are still getting to know each other and we are still learning.



A big one, I breast fed in public on Friday. It was at the nursing moms group ..BUT I did it, and I was proud of myself.



Another controversial topic - Schedules. I have noticed that there is a pattern most days. It may not be on the hour/second mark. But there is a schedule forming slowly but surely. When I think about the word schedule, I can help but twitch.



I think WHY do I want to enforce something at such a young age. I feel we try and make children grow up so fast as it is. Why on earth would I want to subject my now 3 month old ( then barely 4 Weeks old) on a schedule. He will forever be adjusting his schedule as he grows up - why not let him just be now that I have the time to just let him be. This is how i truly deeply feel. Then I have a conflicting thought, what If can't get him on a schedule later on. What If I hinder his learning and cognitive skills .... .. Then I just get overwhelmed and frustrated. I understand that there are different schools of thoughts, different theories and many different options and choices.



over the past few weeks, i have observed that MT licks his lips and sticks it in/out like a lizard when he is hungry (about 2- 3hours after the start of a feed), He Sucks on his hands/fist when he is sleepy (about 30 min to 1.5 hours after a feeding). He used to wake up as soon as I would put him down, (yes that means i held him to sleep - or he fell asleep with me holding him). I am now able to put him down and he will take a 30 cat nap. I kept saying things like, we don't have a schedule and my husband keeps reassuring me, we do have a schedule because when he asks me when MT needs to eat again, or sleep, I have an answer and I am pretty close to being right. I just lacked the ability to see it as a schedule and I lacked the confidence to admit that I truly do know what and how to handle my child. It is coming. These past 3 months have really have changed me foundationally



Happy 12 weeks MT!

look how much you have grown