Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The one where I move on*

I think too much.  I over analyze, I plan it all out.  I go over the plan a bagillion and 11 times in my head.  I know all escape routes, I have contingency plans for my contingency plans.  I know where all the restrooms are.  Sipping Cups, Check.  Diapers, Check.  Bobby pins, Paper clips and duct tape, Check.  What I am saying is.  I Plan .. Well, actually what I should say is that I Over plan.  Ok, I confess.  It carries over in most of my aspects of living.

I am a thinker. Yes, An Over thinker.  I spend a lot of time in the present but not in the moment.  I say the wrong things, or I say/do nothing because I am mulling over what I should have said, could have said, or did I say the right thing? What or how will I react better next time.  Did that funny (to me) comment get delivered in the right contents. Did I offend, OH crap. Maybe they took it the wrong way.  Nervous and Annoying  much?!

Do I have to admit that I like to please and be helpful.  I want to make a difference. I want to have a purpose that matters.  I Dream big, I love big. But, I do not tend to live big. When I am stuck in this
I, I, I, Me, Me, Me. phase, It affects every part of me.  I have been stuck in that phase for months.
It pisses me off so much. When something is on my mind, it consumes me, Until It doesn't. I am not exactly sure why.  But then one day/moment, I feel like I have come to grips with it and am able to move on.  But not a moment before.  I will Beat the worry and subject to a pulp ..Over and over.  I will mull over it.  I will work it to death.

I was reading a book this week and the main character had this uncanny ability to compress things (or oppress things- depending on your perspective)She had many burdens but she did not have a want to discuss them.  She could keep a Secret.  I am pretty much the polar opposite.  I am a talker througher.  Even if the talking is in my head (yes, I talk to myself).  I can keep a secret.  But not a burden.  I must discuss it until it is lifeless and overplayed.

But,  this past week, I feel myself slowing snapping out of the funk.  It's weird to even say this, But I actually HATE that part of me. O hate that I allow it to bog me down obsessing over it all.  It's like a skipping record that you can not turn off.  Funniest part about this quality - I HATE it in others and have very few patience over it.  I have very few patience for myself (and others) when I am in this phase.

And when I finally start snapping out of it , I feel like I owe everyone in my life an apology. Somewhere between last post and this post, I just feel stronger. Well, In the since that I do not feel like I am going to break down and cry 23 hrs of a day.

Nothing has changed exponentially.  I do feel lighter, mentally speaking.  Today while preparing dinner,  I did realize that I felt as if I did lose some emotional baggage.   And, I am just ready to move on with life ... whenever that may be.

*did you get the Friend's reference? Did you?


Beth Bell Kyle, Providence Associate/SMWC '00 said...

Did I write this? Hmmm...it sure sounds like what I do. Take care, and I am glad you have less baggage...How is your eye?

hope548 said...

I am sorry to say I know EXACTLY what you mean. I do it too and it's exhausting. I am currently in that phase and tired of it!

Adriane said...

Totally got the Friends reference! The one where....

OK, I am going to tell you something that may liberate you. I had the pleasure of working for a fabulous boss for many years, starting in my mid-20s. I went to a meeting one day, where I said something totally stupid. And I festered on it for DAYS. I finally confessed to him what was bothering me and you know what he said to me?


Um, what? Seriously. We had a very lengthy discussion about the whole thing. He didn't even recall the comment I had been stressing over. His words liberated me. not only does nobody care, but most of the time, nobody is listening. Isn't that horrible and helpful all at the same time?

Honestly, 10 years have passed, and I truly believe he was right. I really don't stress about the dumb stuff I say in meetings or to other moms/friends, because chances are, they'll never think about it again.

Anyway, I know not the entire breadth of what you're struggling with, but it made a big difference in my life.

Glad you're moving on! I also struggle with being in the moment. I am an over planner for sure! :-)

HereWeGoAJen said...

I get the Friends reference. :)

I am glad you are feeling lighter. It's hard to carry that much.

Anonymous said...

Good for you, friend! ((hugs))

andrea said...

so so glad to read this!

Morrisa said...

Gosh, I swear I could have written this post!

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