The one where I move on*

I think too much.  I over analyze, I plan it all out.  I go over the plan a bagillion and 11 times in my head.  I know all escape routes, I have contingency plans for my contingency plans.  I know where all the restrooms are.  Sipping Cups, Check.  Diapers, Check.  Bobby pins, Paper clips and duct tape, Check.  What I am saying is.  I Plan .. Well, actually what I should say is that I Over plan.  Ok, I confess.  It carries over in most of my aspects of living.

I am a thinker. Yes, An Over thinker.  I spend a lot of time in the present but not in the moment.  I say the wrong things, or I say/do nothing because I am mulling over what I should have said, could have said, or did I say the right thing? What or how will I react better next time.  Did that funny (to me) comment get delivered in the right contents. Did I offend, OH crap. Maybe they took it the wrong way.  Nervous and Annoying  much?!

Do I have to admit that I like to please and be helpful.  I want to make a difference. I want to have a purpose that matters.  I Dream big, I love big. But, I do not tend to live big. When I am stuck in this
I, I, I, Me, Me, Me. phase, It affects every part of me.  I have been stuck in that phase for months.
It pisses me off so much. When something is on my mind, it consumes me, Until It doesn't. I am not exactly sure why.  But then one day/moment, I feel like I have come to grips with it and am able to move on.  But not a moment before.  I will Beat the worry and subject to a pulp ..Over and over.  I will mull over it.  I will work it to death.

I was reading a book this week and the main character had this uncanny ability to compress things (or oppress things- depending on your perspective)She had many burdens but she did not have a want to discuss them.  She could keep a Secret.  I am pretty much the polar opposite.  I am a talker througher.  Even if the talking is in my head (yes, I talk to myself).  I can keep a secret.  But not a burden.  I must discuss it until it is lifeless and overplayed.

But,  this past week, I feel myself slowing snapping out of the funk.  It's weird to even say this, But I actually HATE that part of me. O hate that I allow it to bog me down obsessing over it all.  It's like a skipping record that you can not turn off.  Funniest part about this quality - I HATE it in others and have very few patience over it.  I have very few patience for myself (and others) when I am in this phase.

And when I finally start snapping out of it , I feel like I owe everyone in my life an apology. Somewhere between last post and this post, I just feel stronger. Well, In the since that I do not feel like I am going to break down and cry 23 hrs of a day.

Nothing has changed exponentially.  I do feel lighter, mentally speaking.  Today while preparing dinner,  I did realize that I felt as if I did lose some emotional baggage.   And, I am just ready to move on with life ... whenever that may be.

*did you get the Friend's reference? Did you?